my fantasies scare me

I’ve been watching porn since i was a preteen and over the past few years it’s been constant. at least once a day, sometimes three times or more, it comes in the way of all my activities, takes up all my time, i’ve been late to work or school, it’s gone from a coping mechanism to an addiction. over time, though, it’s taken more and more to interest me. vanilla used to be just fine, and gradually it got stranger. the first of the weird “kinks” i developed was a p*ss kink. i was and am disgusted and ashamed of it and i hated myself. but it got so much worse. i somehow found a video of beastiality on the internet and was obviously repulsed at first, but later i went back to it and it turned into a fetish that i am also ashamed of. i’d rather die than anyone find out. finally my last straw was when i became obsessed with daddy/daughter. the taboo concept is exciting to me and the worst part is that my favorite place to go was the comment section. there, people would talk about sexual relationships they had with their daughters or fathers. i want to believe that none of them were being serious, but the thought that they were made me so horny in the moment.

all of these i take a step back from after the fact and want to vomit. i can’t believe that i’m turned on by things this horrible and disgusting. that’s why i need to stop before it gets worse.

i have a partner, and i’ve never once came while we’ve had sex. i’ve faked it every single time and they have no clue, but it is so upsetting to me that i can’t do something as simple as orgasm with my own partner. i need porn that much to get me off. i’ve even gone into adult chat rooms to role play with strangers of my fantasies. my partner doesn’t know and would be heartbroken if they found out, and they also don’t know about my weird fetishes or porn addiction. this last time having sex i finally orgasmed, but it was only after like 20 minutes and me envisioning play for play porn videos of my disgusting fetishes. i just want to have a healthy and PRESENT sexual life with the person i love.

please tell me that the only reason i’m attracted to the things i am is because of addition escalation and that it isn’t permanent. i’m one week off masturbating and trying to move on but it’s so so hard. i don’t want to be the person i am. i want my life back.