Hey all, Im 33 married with 3 kids and i have been addicted to porn since i was 12-14. In 2015-2016 i had several affairs. I was discovered at the end of 2016. My wife and i have been in recovery for 2ish years and we are learning a ton about what it means to be in healthy relationship. We have been through therapeutic separation, Un-theraputic separation, disclosure, relapses, multiple counselors and conflicted over and over and over in just about every way you can. During my last relapse we sat down and wrote relationship protocols for boundaries, communicaion, relapse and restoration. I have a journal for my reboot, but there are so many things that are happening in my relationship with my wife that seem to fit better in this forum. So here goes. Married with children in recovery from PMO and my codependant patterns in relationship. Today my wife and i did a FANOS checkin that got messy. It was going smooth until i got to my own, which was "i own that i dont communicate very well when i am feeling overwhelmed" to which my wife innocently asked "what do you want when in that state?" I then told her that i wanted her to be curious, and to not tell me how she feels about my emotions. Basicakly if you are trying to help me don't make it about you. (I was picturing some day in the future if im just having a bad time and feeling overwhelmed and she is in a good place. That is not what she was thinking. She was imagining what happend earlier today, where we were talking about my clairification letter that i am working on. So we both had energy.) not talking about her feelings sounded totally unrealistic to her because of the situation she was picturing. So she got triggered and it got messy and we ended up yelling at eachother. This is such a hard situation in our relationship. We both work really hard in our individual recovery we are both commited to the relationship. We both want to heal, but there are limits to our capacity. We ended up in this difficult silence. I was feeling like she didnt hear anything i said and she was feeling defeated and hopeless. The next thing that we did was intentionally say 3 good things. I said, "i am thankful for being in our room, in our house, in our marriage." That changed the conversation. How many times have we questioned those three things in the last year? Countless. Today was a win, a hard fought win, but a win just the same.