My F'd up relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by 1dayattatime, Mar 30, 2019.

  1. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    My trip was awesome. My SO and I went through some conflicts, but were able to resolve them and not escalate. Now when we get home we struggle again. On the trip we saw a pod of grey whales feeding just off the shore at low tide. It was so cool. I always feel like the ocean puts my problems into perspective. I think I am part beach bum.

    My oldest daughter and I connected a lot during the trip. I took her out swimming in the ocean a couple times and we had so much fun. She couldn't stop smiling. I love that. Last night when I got home from work she was using some fabric my mom gave her to make a dress for her little sister. It was her first time making a dress and it turned out pretty good! I haven't seen that side of my daughter for a long time. With the constant conflict between my wife and me...it just takes a toll on the whole family.

    I went to SAA last night. It was my 3rd meeting. It was the frist time that I felt good about the connection. The first couple times just felt super weird. I need to get a sponser and start working the steps. I plan on calling a couple of the guys this week and seeing if there is a connection there.

    I better get to work. I feel like this post was all over the place. Today I am grateful, hopeful and determined. Taking the next step
     
  2. mrtumnus

    mrtumnus Fapstronaut

    That's awesome. Those are the little things that help us break out of codependency and really experience a fuller life outside of our addictions. Makes my heart happy :)
     
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  3. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the positive words brother.

    I have been trying to enjoy the little moments a lot more these days.
     
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  4. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thursday. "I never quite got the hang of thursdays"

    Name that quote without googles help and I will give you 1000 1dayattatime points haha.

    Today I messed up a lot of things at work. Just one of those days. It was weird though because I wasn't judging myself for it like I have in the past. I guess something is sinking in from recovery. I have SAA tonight. It was better last time I went. I felt more connection. Today will be my 4th group. I have been reading the green book and it seems like I can definitely use some of the program for my recovery.

    I had a dream about making out with my best friend's (from child hood) older sister. It was kind of weird. Every once in a while it will happen where I have a dream about a girl I had a crush on before this addiction. Like my emotional state is still 7 years old. But I am in a mans body. Maybe that is partially true. Maybe addiction stunts the emotional growth. I hope that I will be able to grow up faster than normal though.

    My wife and I went paddle boarding this week. It was awesome. I want to go again. Maybe we can make that part of our new relationship. I sure hope so.

    Thats all for now.
     
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  5. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I relapsed really bad this weekend. Binged, m'd like 10+ times. I got super drunk saturday night. I may have broken the marriage for real. Snatching defeat out of the jaws of victory. I felt possesed, like i was not the one driving my own behaviors.

    The truth is. I had a choice. That is truth. I stand by that truth and i am now going to have to accept the consequences of my choices.
     
  6. mrtumnus

    mrtumnus Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear, man. I'm glad you posted here about it - it would be easy to stay off and continue the binge/relapse. Is there anything you can identify from this that will bring you value and help prepare for next time? Triggers, emotions, attitudes, etc.? Can you identify how long ago you decided to binge? Usually (for me), it is on the order of days if not weeks. Get back up on the wagon if you can.
     
  7. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Really sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are right about the choices. I've been making a lot of bad choices lately too. @mrtumnus is giving some good advice although you might not be in a great place to hear it. You have to learn from your bad decisions. It would be a shame if you have put the final nail in the marriages coffin. But you have to think about doing the right thing from this point for you for your daughter's for your wife. I hope you can find your way back from this.
     
  8. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    My wife asked me to move out tonight. not a good day. She said she wants it to be like when we separated before. IDK if I can do that. I may go crazy. It felt like we were finally climbing out of that hole. I don't know if I can willingly go back into it the same way.
     
  9. Upperoom120

    Upperoom120 New Fapstronaut

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    Hang in there bro, 45, married, 2 boys. My wife and I are separated currently, and I am committed to changing myself. Not for her, not for kids, but for God, because the truth is, I failed the awesome husband and fatherhood gift I have been given. I have to be soooooo careful not to trigger my wife, since my cough could trigger her at this stage.
     
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  10. Link468

    Link468 Fapstronaut

    I’m so sorry, @1dayattatime. That sucks. I wish there was something I could say that would be encouraging in this situation. I know how important your family is to you. Just remember to be kind to yourself. You are a fighter. I have seen so much growth from your journey. I hate to see you in pain, my friend. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers, brother.
     
  11. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    That is good trying not to trigger her. I dont know if i am at a place to give advice, but i would say it is more important what you do when she is triggered. That is where i failed. If you can be a safe person during a trigger that could save your relationship. Because i cannot do that consistantly for my wife our relationship is getting worse.
     
  12. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks link, i wish my story was different. One thing is certain, i built this situation. I wont try and blame her. There is only one person here that caused this.
     
  13. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Nice job on 50 days bro. I would say that for me i had a freak trigger where a group of girls pulled up to me at a stop light and were flirting with me on my way to saa right after i got in a bit of a fight with my wife. Bad timing. For me, that situation was extremely triggering. I hadnt experienced a trigger that strong for over a year. I was at a moment of weakness after a high point last weekend we were right back to fighting this week. I lost hope.
     
  14. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    It kills me thinking about my daugters lives and my son who may not ever experience a loving relationship between his parents. It is terrible and worth a lot of fighting. I just dont see us getting any better yet.
     
  15. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Yes I definitely feel your situation. I think I need to be more independent instead of needing my wife and kids to make me feel normal. I have to find my way and do the right thing regardless. I think you are in a similar situation. Whatever happens you need to be there for your children. I know my relationship with my kids has improved since I gave up pmo and I know I don't want to backslide to that place ever again. I know I've made a lot of bad decisions that are really going to affect their lives. It's time to start making good decisions that are going to be helpful in the future. I hope you can make it through this, good luck.
     
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  16. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    You too man. Tough times
     
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  17. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    This is certainly a difficult time for both of you. I imagine that, right now, it's hard to see anything positive or even likeable in your future. But, as bad as it may feel and as dismal as it may appear, this misery won't stick around forever. I realize that doesn't make anything better in the moment, but let it be a light at the end of the tunnel. Even if it's a distant light that seems so far away, it's better than only seeing darkness.

    I know the pain of recent events is still intense, and it tends to overwhelm. As you begin to pick up the pieces, let all the emotions of the current situation have their part...no stuffing them inside or pushing them away. Ignoring any part of them will keep you stuck in the cycle. In your last post before the relapse, you mentioned...
    I believe this is a major factor for so many addicts though there's little to no awareness of it. And, without recognizing it and working hard to remedy it, recovery will be greatly affected. I think you might be able to relate to some things in this article...
    https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-...tional-maturity-is-key-to-addiction-recovery/

    You can do this. You're stronger than you think. If you can go for 8 months, you can go forever as long as you learn healthy ways to work through the tough emotions.
     
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  18. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    Yep men have feeling too. Just outting it out there. We know we should not relapse but sometimes when we get hurt by our so it makes it very very hard.
     
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  19. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

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