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My F'd up relationship

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by 1dayattatime, Mar 30, 2019.

  1. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thank you @SOofanaddict and @Mourde you two are a great example of entering into the messiness of relationship rebuilding. I will continue to try. Like many other times in my life I want to talk to someone who has made it through. I think for the first time in recovery I am beginning to understand the gravity of what it will take to heal my relationship with my wife and sobriety is just the beginning. At this point I don't have an exit plan. We are going to figure this out, but how other people see her is a big deal to my SO. She often worries that I degrade/disrepect her to others and tells me she wants her dignity back.

    Part of me wishes that I couldve been in the place I am now when I was discovered because now it seems like most of her pain is coming from things I did after discovery. I don't know how I am going to make up for them, but I will try. There is so much to be thankful for. What a roller coaster.
     
    hope4healing and Mourde like this.
  2. Your story helps us too, thank you. Because it helps me to help you guys :) and to help myself.

    You said this:

    In my situation I knew what Mourde was doing. Not the extent. Finding that out in one major admission then these smaller ones is killer to my self esteem. Also I worry what others think of me. I have to realize that the people who judge me or think poorly of me....that's their problem. Not mine.

    I also get super butthurt when Mourde slips or does something I feel is wrong. I feel like he KNOWS now his addiction. And when he screws up even the tiniest bit I make a huge deal about it and feel degraded all over again. I stop in that moment and rehash ALL the past. And I throw that in his face.

    You, Mourde, or any addict for that matter, cannot make up the past so stop thinking that way. Right now, tomorrow, next week, next year...that's what you all have to focus on. Change. Consistent. Immediately acknowledge mess ups. We all screw up...it's human.

    Stay focused on the present and future.

    Only she can get her dignity back. You can help with your sobriety to prove she IS THE ONE. Her confidence comes with her own healing and seeing her number one guy treat her like his number one gal.

    You helped me tonight too. This was a big reality check for me as an SO to remember to be strong too and to stop looking at this recovery as something that I think should but cannot happen overnight. Thank you so much!
     
    hope4healing and 1dayattatime like this.
  3. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Roller coaster ride just about sums it up in a nut shell! It seems sometime I cause her more pain in recovery then in discovery or I'm only just more aware of the pain I caused! I hope in the end of me staying on track and doing what I need to,things will improve and we can move on and not look back.

    Sobriety is just healing for yourself,it helps her to see you are staying on track but just sobriety alone won't heal the relationship. Being open and honest no matter how painful it is and always keep up good communications is a great start. We cant heal the past we can only set ourself up for the today and the future, enjoy the good days and learn from the off days and I think everything should work out! Stay strong an always know you are not alone in this! There is always support!
     
  4. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I would like to focus on the present. I am not bringing up all of the pain I have caused. There is a tension in recovery between making amends and focusing on today. For my wife to heal I have been told and read in many books that I must be willing to go back there with her emotionally to those moments of great pain and trauma. And through that there can be great healing. It is something that I would try and avoid in the past, but now it seems like I need to enter in to help her heal.
     
    need4realchg and hope4healing like this.
  5. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks brother, I do have hope. Just uncertain about what the next phase looks like. For a while it seemed like my wife and I were traveling separate paths to the same destination, now our paths are running together and we are stepping on each others toes. I'm sure we will find a way..
     
    Mourde and vxlccm like this.
  6. Oh I see what you're saying. I do talk about some of those moments with Mourde and he seems to show some empathy but I dont think any addict can truly feel the pain their partner endured. I wish they could but...they cant.

    I do agree that by talking about it and feeling it as best you can and letting her mourn those moments, so to speak, and supporting her while she does helps a lot.

    I guess I'm the type of person who would rather keep those emotions to myself and go through them then expect Mourde to even begin to fathom that pain. He does some I guess?

    A good for instance is the realization he had when I brought up the social media and how devastating that was. Something he used to get excited over. A "pause" button to stare at psubs. He'd do that right in front of me. Painful to watch him stare at a phone rather than hear me say: please put that down. Painful to know he was up past bedtime scanning for a "hit" while I slept on the floor just to get away from him and his addiction. He was pretty somber about it and agreed it was part of his cycle and triggers. Did he feel my pain and agony reliving that? No. Will he? Probably not.

    If he did show remorse or empathy then yea...I guess it would have helped a whole lot in me feeling he came to reality the absolute hurt something like that caused.

    I'm glad you brought this up about going back to moments and trying to feel the emotions your wife did and still does. I know in some ways as much as it hurts it does bring closure to at least discuss them and how it makes us feel even years later.

    I wish there was a magic button to push to make it all go away.

    You're really doing great and I applaud you on your reading up on these things and sharing them. Hopefully others learn in their journey to do the same and be as committed as you are in changing and growing.
     
    1dayattatime likes this.
  7. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Stepping on each other toes seem to happen alot, I feel the pain with that one. Somedays it's great and when it's bad it's bad, those are the times I know I have to try my hardest and do my best and learn what I can from it! Uncertainties are most definitely the scariest part but I guess we have to see that as a great challenge to become better and do what we are intended to do and that is being a better person,husband and father! Stay strong and be positive, and have faith!
     
    vxlccm and 1dayattatime like this.
  8. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I can imagine how painful that is. It must feel so excruciating to have someone continually stab you and not even realize what they are doing. I have been there. It seems like I still am in different ways. You need to have so much patience to remain in a relationship after betrayal. For us it is like waking up from a bad dream at first.

    We (PAs) start this journey thinking that all we have to do is stop looking at porn and masturbating. Then we find out to do that we have to figure out these things called triggers and then we have to find what ours are and what the cycle looks like. Then once we get a little ways away from the problem all of these emotions start hitting us like we are waking up from anestesia and everything hurts. The real progress for me was when I realized the connection between my emotions and my urges. After that it was just a matter of communicating my emotions and my urges dropped to 1% of what they used to be.

    Thank you for saying all of those encouraging words. It means a lot. From what I see you and yours are fighting the good fight. Maybe we will all make it through this thing.
     
  9. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut


    I totally agree with this. I want what I get out of those bad days to be worth the pain. Thanks for your encouraging words. Keep working hard my friend.
     
    vxlccm, Mourde and Deleted Account like this.
  10. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    You are also doing great keep it up my friend!
     
    vxlccm and 1dayattatime like this.
  11. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Whew. It has been a long few days. I am going to vent a bit just to get out what is inside. I am feeling a bit angry right now. I got off work a couple hours early today to watch my daughters 3rd grade talent show. It was super cute. And then I had some extra time at home. My wife and I have not been able to have a real check in during our normal times for the last week and I have been working extra so we decided to take this afternoon and check in. So I thought we were going to do a fanos, but it ended up that my wife needed to get a lot off her chest. So we talked at length about our relationship and I was trying to express my understanding of the impact of my betrayal. I actually had a "new thought". I put that in quotes because she has said it many times, but I hit me today as we were talking. She made choices to rely on me and depend on my provision early on in our marriage even though she couldve had a career in physical therapy. She wanted to be a mom and we had a lot of discussions about other people raising our kids. Anyways I was realizing today how much her identity is wrapped up in our relationship and how much power I have to affect her. It just hit me that my identity is based on my relationship with her and being a dad in about equal parts as it is based on my job and my role there. So if she were the one to betray me it would not affect me nearly as much. Even though it would strike me to the core. I don't depend on her for my survival. I would find a way to make it work. But what does she have to fall back on? Something, but not nearly as strong of footing as I have. We talked about this a bit and she actually started crying. Kind of good tears in a way. Just letting it out. After that we needed to make dinner, but I hadn't really had a chance to share anything so we said lets take 10 minutes and finish up. It had been about an hour at that point. So I started sharing about my journey. My recovery and how I want to take it to the next level. I want to know how the guys with 10-20 years of sobriety are living. I want to get to that level and I am beginning to see changes in my thinking. I talked for a bit about the changes that I have seen in myself and what I am focusing on in my individual recovery. She tried to respond and at first said something like. It is good that you are doing good things for yourself, can I make an observation? Then she asked me over and over in different ways where she fit into that vision I have and what about her? And does our relationship fit in my life?

    It kind of upset me and I couldn't put my finger on why. Like I just spent an hour an a half talking about our relationship and she is trying to acuse me of not having room in my life for it? Writing that I can feel myself punching the keys harder. So we spent an hour on your feelings and our relationsihp and I talk about the good part of my journey for 10 minutes and she is feeling threatened to the point where I don't even know if she actually heard what I said. She asked me if I could hear her emotions and I said no. That I am not going to be able to hear and then we disengaged and I went and took a shower and played guitar a bit and now I'm journaling just trying to get it out.

    I guess the long and short of it is. We still have a long way to go. Maybe it feels threatening because she doesn't feel strong in her journey? IDK like I have said recently relaitonship rebuilding is much harder than sobriety right now.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  12. If I may...I can relate. I gave up a big salary and future to begin a business at home in my field to be here for the kids.

    And we rely on Mourde pretty much to support us.

    It's hard to say that for any partner especially when our lives are kind of turned upside down and things are so...chaotic and scary in the future.

    She was triggered in her BT with fear. And you triggered by anger. Why are you angry? (Lack of time lately to connect, not being heard, feeling like she was one-sided, she didnt see what you wanted her to see/hear in you doing so well).

    Miscommunication breakdown over emotions. Mourde and I do it alot yet but we are learning fast to contribute equal time to listen to one another. And some days he needs more talk time and some days I do.

    She's I'm sure proud of you. And I'm sure afraid as she sees you becoming more and more the real you and confident and able to express more. It's a huge change for us and all we can think of is: "holy shit I'm a trainwreck and he's doing great and he's gonna bail and I'm screwed."

    Naturally you don't intend that but...that was the very first thought that hit me reading your journal when you two started to talk.

    She doesn't mean to not hear you. She's afraid. Thus the question "can't you hear my emotions".

    You got this. Reapproach. Don't let this one moment grow and fester into more anger and pain for either of you. It's just a bump in the journey.

    And try to make time no matter what to spend time together more. :) even to fanos is great!
     
  13. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Glad you chose to vent and get things out, my biggest is I let those emotions get to me too! Sounds like she is scared and wants the person she relys on the most to make her feel protected and loved. I know we get caught up in our own recovery and we let the relationship slip a little, she just wants to be heard just like we want to be heard. I know we have to work on ourselves to get better but we also have to have a balance in our relationship too. Let her be heard too my friend it's part of the reason we are on this journey in a relationship. Keep up the great work and give your wife a hug seems like she needs it!
     
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  14. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I really appreciate you saying this and it helped me to reengage in a way that was more curious with her. Thank you.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the support brother. It is hard when i have a way i expect things to go. Have to let go of what i think it should be and ask what can it be.
     
    Mourde likes this.
  16. This post was eye opening for me. My wife gave up her clinic and thriving practice to marry me and I haven’t ever really said “thank you.”

    She also made more than I did at the time but I haven’t ever said thank you for your sacrifice.

    Now I’m reflective with homeschool and I haven’t told her thank you enough.

    I notice you mention crying a lot. Do you actually cry or are you saying that figuratively ? Also, were you always like that ?

    I have for the most part lost the ability to cry—- I feel that finding the ability to cry would mean some serious evidence in my brain healing its neuroplasticity.
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2019
    1dayattatime likes this.
  17. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    Couldn't agree more. Everyday we gotta learn so we can get better and be better. Keep up the great work my friend I'm right there with you.
     
    1dayattatime likes this.
  18. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    How can you lose the ability to cry?
     
  19. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    Yup literal wet tears crying. I didn't used to cry nearly as much as I do now. I have heard of others not being able to cry. It is pretty common. I discovered the power of crying to reduce sexual urges about a year ago and now I try and let it out when it is there. I recently read an article about how cortizol is released through tears and I want that shit out of my system. But yes actual tears from my and her eyes often. Sometimes there are no words to express the grief. What usually gets me there is writing music and playing it out by myself. There is something magical (for lack of a better term) about music for me.

    I think we underestimate the fear and power that we as providers and men wield in our relationships and the gravity of the sacrifices our SOs make. I know I have and it seems that she needs me to acknowledge that for healing to happen.
     
    Mourde, Susannah and need4realchg like this.
  20. Yes I have deduced (judging by how often my wife cries) she seems to be crying at the drop of a hat, but as a result she can bounce back much more balanced and it seems to me that she's let the emotions go. I tend to become embittered by my emotions because they reside and stay inside.

    As far as how I lost the ability--I actually think it's a large part due to extended porn use. Porn requires us to compartmentalize, and the left from right brain hemispheres is slowed/diminished after years of this activity. Plus, the gray matter (which is designed to aid in the connecting of emotions and rational) is also diminished when the brain has been studied. There's a really good thread that describes the amount of weeks it takes to get the amount of "normal"gray matter in the brain is close to 26 weeks or more. That is to say, numbing your mind through this activity literally makes it easier to do all kinds of otherwise unthinkable horrors.

    For me, church music (I'm a musician) is the only way I can still do it. Crying is an emotional erection for me, and I have PIED (porn induced emotional dysfunction). Conversely, I can O to emotions, and the emotional attachment a woman has to me is the best porn I could have perhaps.
     

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