My fetish, my self destruction.

arthurr

arthurr

Fapstronaut
I'm in a horrible phase of my life, hit rock buttom.

I have been using porn since childhood and this has negatively influenced me, I was sexually abused and had some experience with cousins in childhood - this contributed to my isolation, shame and shyness as a teenager. All this took away my innocence early.

I am 22 years old, virgin, and since my 13 years involved with trans porn, crossdressing practices and lastly, sissy porn. This is really self destruction.

Because of this, seeing me dressing in women's clothes, I've fantasized about being fucked by men like a girl, anal stimulation, listened to binaural beats of estrogen boosters, femininity, sissy hypnosis in general, etc etc - all that nonsense.

I've asked myself several times to be transsexual or gay and "accept myself".
Every time after masturbation I feel regretted and embarrassed, I throw in the trash
all the female clothes off and promise never to do it again - moments after the desire comes back.

My mind is confused but I am sure that even while consuming this material I am heteressexual - and with it a toxic shameful vision, a duality and a fate punishing me because of gender and my masculinity.

It's a conflict of masculinity for this consuming this shit.
How to deal with it? I want to forgive myself for what I did because of cursed vice, I feel very ashamed for all this. Time is passing very fast, no longer living this life.

This genre of pornography is boosting one doing horrible things.
I realize that this genre is growing and this is dangerous.

Even with this time, is it possible to recover and heal my brain?
I just want to live a happy life and healthy sexuality.

Please friends, help me.
 
It's never too late to start over, think of the time you've spent watching porn as if you were consuming poison, and slowly the toxic elements have infected your mind. The only way to rid yourself of such poison is to stop watching any pornographic material, stop masturbating and seeking an orgasm. In time your mind will detox from all the perverted things you poison yourself with, and you will stop wanting these things for good. But the change starts with you, right now. Make a promise to yourself, and don't break it, we're here for you.
 
I was abused as a child also,
Started porn very young
Discovered fapping young,
Also had sexual experiments with cousins as a kid.
When i was 20 i started to buy leggings and girl clothes, i watched those sissy trainer videos, and up til recent watching a girl give a bj turns me on seldomly my feminine side
Never been on a date
Never banged
Now that im older i got over that short sissy phase, getting sick with depression and anxiety no room for bullshit in my life.

However that life is who some people are, but i knew it was the effect from porn and not who i am.

How serious are u about turning ur life around thats the question
 
You will heal, you will recover, you have to realize that this is just a disease an illness. The escalation is the same for everyone i started off with normal vanila porn and escalated to hentai then transwoman then sissy and i decided to stop. Leave all of this behind and forget it for good. Since you have really escalated i recommend that you do hard mode where even typing anything porn related in google counts as a relapse you have to be honest with yourself i did 13 days i edged and watched porn on day 14 without O and i thought this won't break my streak but i realized that was a lie and i had relapsed. Just stay away from that do not even look at it. Start a workout program something simple you can even do at home like push ups, dips, pull ups, squats. Do that every single day after a couple of weeks combined with nofap you will feel amazing.
 
I think it's worth exploring the power you experience in these facets of sexuality. There is nothing inherently wrong in cross-dressing or anal sex. The trouble is when one shames oneself at having any inclination at all, which is different from the kind of destruction addiction can wreak. I suspect that some folks think they have an addiction, when in fact they're just terrified by their natural orientation.

It's worth working with a therapist who is supportive in exploring one's sexual identity. It could be that what feels like an obsession is more about self-acceptance.
 
@Latinboy32
It's a lot of time lost in pornography and bullshit, but I'm still willing to renew myself and heal myself.
Thank you so much.

@Aot4ever117
I really want you to recover as well, that's a very dangerous thing.
I will pray for you and all the people involved with porn.

@YetAnotherInternetUser
Exactly, I remember when I started with vanilla too and what genre that attracted me most was transwoman porn in general.
I have already done a basic exercise plan, healthy eating and meditation.

@bearishDGS
Okay, I disagree. I do not think anal sex is healthy - all its structure was not prepared for friction.
I consider it a sexual desire influenced by porn that has already become very "normal". That is, many people get anal sex but that does not mean it is natural and healthy.
I attended a talk where a researched explained, scientifically based and medical anal sex is not healthy. There are many articles on this.
I have no sexual experience but I still have my opinion.

Regarding Cross-Dressing in my life it's directly related to pornography - and I do not feel good dressing up as a woman, it's just momentary excitement.
My mind is confused I believe that the best option is actually to complete the Reboot and everything will be clear later - my natural desires.
If this is natural, there really is no problem at all, but if it was I would not feel too bad, embarrassed after cum.
 
arthurr said:
This genre of pornography is boosting one doing horrible things.
I realize that this genre is growing and this is dangerous.

Even with this time, is it possible to recover and heal my brain?
I just want to live a happy life and healthy sexuality.
Click to expand...

Yes it is terrible. It is about degradation. All porn is degrading, to both the user and the performers. But as you continue in porn you may, I think likely will, seek more and more degrading forms of porn.

If you are looking at degrading porn you are most likely degrading yourself in other areas of your life. That is not just in sexual things. For instance I tend to overeat. When I overeat a lot I tend to look at more porn. When I look at porn I feel bad about myself and tend to overeat to make myself feel better. So it isn't just porn that is the issue but a more fundamental question of what is driving you to degrade yourself? Why are you hurting yourself? The answer is probably a complex, as is the solution. But trying to get to the core of it will allow you to find healing.
 
@arthurr
We have evolved very complex sexual bodies. The prostate is a powerful sex center, and all of our nerves in that area are cross-wired to build on each other, top to bottom, front to back, inside and out. We were built for anal sex. And oral sex. And nipple sex. They're all intricately and intimately connected by millions of nerves.

Just touch and you'll see how much of your beautifully constructed body you're excluding from your experience.
 
bearishDGS said:
@arthurr
We have evolved very complex sexual bodies. The prostate is a powerful sex center, and all of our nerves in that area are cross-wired to build on each other, top to bottom, front to back, inside and out. We were built for anal sex. And oral sex. And nipple sex. They're all intricately and intimately connected by millions of nerves.

Just touch and you'll see how much of your beautifully constructed body you're excluding from your experience.
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I don't disagree that certain sex acts are pleasurable. But that doesn't mean we should engage in them. All of us here find masturbation pleasurable but we don't want to do it. We think we shouldn't do it, for one reason or another.

Also you can't say we were 'built for' if you are saying we evolved. 'For' indicates purpose but evolution has no room for purpose. It is just random mutations without any end in sight as it is not directed. Personally I believe we were built with a purpose and it isn't to engage in certain sex acts even if they are pleasurable.
 
Well, yes, differing theology is a muddying factor, and you can criticize my mixing of terms to distract from substance, if you need to. I can as easily say that a fish is built for breathing under water--that's a description of how its blood is oxygenated through its gills.

Let's not conflate taboo with biology, though. Should and shouldn't are norms, which vary by culture, but don't change biology. Our biology hasn't changed in 50 thousand years. How we're wired is how we're wired.

And by the way, I'm a devout Christian, and I believe that this special, complex wiring is a gift from God, in order that I might be more intimately joined with my husband, and that together we contribute through this unimaginable complexity to the perfection and reconciliation of all things to God. Else I would not be built as I am, as indeed all human beings are. That is its purpose.

I'll only say, finally, that homophobia and heterosexism manifest in many forms. This is but one.
 
bearishDGS said:
Well, yes, differing theology is a muddying factor, and you can criticize my mixing of terms to distract from substance, if you need to. I can as easily say that a fish is built for breathing under water--that's a description of how its blood is oxygenated through its gills.

Let's not conflate taboo with biology, though. Should and shouldn't are norms, which vary by culture, but don't change biology. Our biology hasn't changed in 50 thousand years. How we're wired is how we're wired.

And by the way, I'm a devout Christian, and I believe that this special, complex wiring is a gift from God, in order that I might be more intimately joined with my husband, and that together we contribute through this unimaginable complexity to the perfection and reconciliation of all things to God. Else I would not be built as I am, as indeed all human beings are. That is its purpose.

I'll only say, finally, that homophobia and heterosexism manifest in many forms. This is but one.
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I disagree with you Bearish. IF someone comes here and is saying that their desire is a problem for them, then that means that they are not happy with it and want to change. They should change, if that is what they want. You seem to be saying that the behavior is not the problem but rather "shame" is the problem. But who are you to say what is Arthur's problem? He came here and said that the cross-dressing/anal stuff is a problem for him. it is not who he wants to be. He should pursue his own true path, which for him means a more wholesome sexual lifestyle. It is possible that cross-dressing is OK for some people, but that does not mean that it is OK for everyone. Even people who do it or have temptations to do it may not be right for it.
 
No, I absolutely agree with you on that. But the act itself is not inherently wrong, just as the act of eating something that tastes good (every now and then) isn't inherently wrong. Culture shapes how we view things, and I think that it's helpful to recovery if the one who struggles with addiction can let go of as much shame and guilt as possible, to leave more strength to beat the destructive cycle. As long as one thinks that M is "dirty" or "naughty," it gathers more power and becomes harder to fight.

If, on the other hand, one can look at a sexual addiction and say, "Here is something that may be ok for others, but which is too much for me," it becomes easier to face because the taboo aspect is reduced.
 
But just to be clear, P is somehing else entirely. It is created and refined, just like processed sugar, tobacco, or cocaine to BE addictive, so that its consumers are intentionally drawn into self-destructive cycles, thereby enriching its creators.
 
bearishDGS said:
No, I absolutely agree with you on that. But the act itself is not inherently wrong, just as the act of eating something that tastes good (every now and then) isn't inherently wrong. Culture shapes how we view things, and I think that it's helpful to recovery if the one who struggles with addiction can let go of as much shame and guilt as possible, to leave more strength to beat the destructive cycle. As long as one thinks that M is "dirty" or "naughty," it gathers more power and becomes harder to fight.

If, on the other hand, one can look at a sexual addiction and say, "Here is something that may be ok for others, but which is too much for me," it becomes easier to face because the taboo aspect is reduced.
Click to expand...

I don't think masturbation is right. You disagree. Let's ignore that and address the second issue. You suggest that people working on addictions should let go of the shame and guilt. I agree. But that doesn't warrant rewriting morality. And quite frankly trying to ignore morality won't help you in a broader sense.

Regarding the letting go of shame and guilt we should. But That doesn't mean ignoring the harm your habit caused. It doesn't mean not having sorrow for what you did. The classic twelve step program has an element of addressing the harm you caused. Why? Because the harm is real and to move forward you have to repair as much as you can. There is finesse in the process of recovery. Yes we can't just beat ourselves up endlessly for what we've done. We need to let go. But it doesn't mean inventing an imaginary world of no rules. That is a fake world and we'll fall in that world too.

M is dirty and naughty. We are attracted to the dirty and naughty. Part of growing and healing is addressing the truth of who we each are and why we do what we do.

Consider another problem I have. I overeat. Eating itself is not wrong but overeating is. It is something I do for comfort. Now I could convince myself there is nothing wrong with what I do. I'm not that heavy but heavier than I could and should be. I could try to overcome the problem by ignoring the wrongness of my overeating. I've tried to do that. And I improve for a while then fall. Why? Well I think I fail because I haven't addressed the underlying issue. It isn't just eating but eating to seek comfort. Guess what else is comforting? PM. We need to be trying to heal our whole selves and that doesn't mean ignoring reality to make seemingly better progress in a particular area.
 
Saying that M is immoral goes on the same page with wanting women to cover their bodies because they are a temptation to (straight) men. I think that the professional psychologists would have a hard time finding sympathy with that point of view. It takes years of therapy to heal the damage that such talk does to a young mind, as one who has walked that path.

Otherwise, I agree: part of recovering from addiction--certainly in the 12-Step methodology--is telling yourself the truth about the harm you've done and to make amends. Guilt and shame are not helpful there, unless you need it to get turned around. Regret and sorrow help in making amends wherever possible, but fter that, forgiveness and mercy will do the most good. It still doesn't make the object of the addiction, whether alcohol or sex, evil in itself. It's how the addiction warps our relationship with the substance or behavior that is the wrongness.

Now, overeating. The problem is not with how much one eats, but with WHAT one eats. Eat broccoli as comfort food. You can stuff yourself, day in and day out, with no physical ill effect. Overeating--as referred to in the US, anyway--is a substance addiction like heroin. The food industry has engineered the food we eat to draw us into sugar, salt, and saturated fat addiction. If you can change your diet to be whole, plant based foods, your cravings will cease, your weight will drop to normal, your diabetes will disappear, and you will reestablish a normal relationship with food--just like P addiction in a lot of cases. Work to get the P out of your life, your body heals, and you restore a normal, healthy relationship with sex, even sex alone, for some. But you can never go back because falling back into the pattern is too easy.

I recommend the documentaries, "Forks Over Knives" and "That Sugar Film" to see how similar the food and pornography industries are. It changed our lives and our bodies. We lost hundreds of pounds just by changing what we put in our mouths.
 
bearishDGS said:
Saying that M is immoral goes on the same page with wanting women to cover their bodies because they are a temptation to (straight) men. I think that the professional psychologists would have a hard time finding sympathy with that point of view. It takes years of therapy to heal the damage that such talk does to a young mind, as one who has walked that path.

Otherwise, I agree: part of recovering from addiction--certainly in the 12-Step methodology--is telling yourself the truth about the harm you've done and to make amends. Guilt and shame are not helpful there, unless you need it to get turned around. Regret and sorrow help in making amends wherever possible, but fter that, forgiveness and mercy will do the most good. It still doesn't make the object of the addiction, whether alcohol or sex, evil in itself. It's how the addiction warps our relationship with the substance or behavior that is the wrongness.

Now, overeating. The problem is not with how much one eats, but with WHAT one eats. Eat broccoli as comfort food. You can stuff yourself, day in and day out, with no physical ill effect. Overeating--as referred to in the US, anyway--is a substance addiction like heroin. The food industry has engineered the food we eat to draw us into sugar, salt, and saturated fat addiction. If you can change your diet to be whole, plant based foods, your cravings will cease, your weight will drop to normal, your diabetes will disappear, and you will reestablish a normal relationship with food--just like P addiction in a lot of cases. Work to get the P out of your life, your body heals, and you restore a normal, healthy relationship with sex, even sex alone, for some. But you can never go back because falling back into the pattern is too easy.

I recommend the documentaries, "Forks Over Knives" and "That Sugar Film" to see how similar the food and pornography industries are. It changed our lives and our bodies. We lost hundreds of pounds just by changing what we put in our mouths.
Click to expand...

I wonder how ill think after my reboot, sure its not right to blame women for being temptation for how they dress, well then they better suck it up when they see me staring a hole through them and making them feel hella uncomfortable,

i want to be able to just take a glance without feeling like jerking off right away,

guys should start wearing yoga pants as well and walking around with bulges in everyones faces since we dont have tits or asses ( most of us )


in case u couldnt tell i know i need help thats why im here and struggling on day 4
 
I think it's important to distinguish aspects of our own unique sexuality and of the conditioned states we are taught by porn. Crossdressing to me, personally, does not have to be something unhealthy, particularly if it is seen as a way of exploring your own consciousness in a self-empowering kind of way. Of course, what you described is the opposite of feeling self-empowered. That is your sign that something is not right with what you are doing, but that doesn't mean that your exploration is all wasted. We are all learning.

Sissy porn is a type of fantasy that never becomes real because it is pretending to be something you are factually not. And you know that. Nobody really wants to be some slave forever, obviously. Yet using sexuality that is intentional in a way which actually works can be self-empowering. For example: "I am exploring cross-dressing in order to heal my wounded inner child that felt it couldn't express in sensual, colorful, or emotional ways because I was raised to be an asshole tough guy that suppresses those parts, I want to rekindle a relationship to myself and be whole again" would be more self-empowering then "[insert stereotypical sissy porn line here]". I hope that makes sense.

Be easy on yourself. This is a mad world we are all living in and the fact that we are meeting here shows that we are the ones who came here to confront and transform these things through basically our own experiences, our lessons learned the hard way. It's what being human is all about and we are not alone.
 
People who come to this site are generally here because their use of P or M has become an obstacle for them preventing them from becoming who they want to be. If someone was able to use P or M without it being a problem for him, then that person wouldn't be on Nofap trying to quit.
 
It's addictive that stuff and brainwashing man like literally if you like it then maybe you want to do complete the reboot I'm doing it to I'm on day 11 and flipping out maybe everything will turn out good
 
Jediblood said:
It's addictive that stuff and brainwashing man like literally if you like it then maybe you want to do complete the reboot I'm doing it to I'm on day 11 and flipping out maybe everything will turn out good
Click to expand...
You are doing great keep going with reboot.
 
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