My first 30 days (Success Story)

Hello everyone! I'm not entirely new to NoFap, I've been lurking around this forum for a long time and I only decided to get an account now. A brief introduction about myself, I am 28 years old. I have looked into NoFap for a couple of years and I've been on it on and off. My memory is a little vague, but I think my longest streak is around 14 days. This was going on and off since 2016.


Fast forward to 2021, I have found myself lost in life, particularly in terms of finances and mental health with no direction to head to, moved back with my parents, not knowing what I'm going to do for the rest of my life and the inability to have any sort of proper visualization of my future. On September 1st, I printed out a calendar on an A4 sized paper and stuck it to my whiteboard. Lo and behold, I failed. Dammit lol. I jacked off on the 4th and then had a long drive around town having a serious discussion with myself while driving. I live in a small town, so I think I made far too many rounds around the same place and not even realizing it until I had a warning beep that fuel was running low. Haha

During the drive, I told myself that from the 5th of September 2021 onwards, I would try my very best to retain from ejaculating. As of today, it is the 9th of October 2021 and according to my app (which I don't even bother looking at, it states that I'm 1 month & 4 days into my NoFap Journey.

I'd like to share a few of my personal issues first, followed by some benefits that I have noticed. Feel free to read them, I'm very very happy to share them with all of you and I will be updating in the future when I have the time.


Problems.
1) Easily triggered. (Even the slightest thing can piss me off. I'm a quiet person and my mother is very talkative. When she speaks and says something that I don't like, I'd just lose it.)

2) Impatience. (I can't seem to wait and I always want things immediately)

3) Ejaculating too quickly. (Gosh, this is a problem that I am very very embarrassed to even say out loud but I have the balls to do it now so it's fine. The last time I had sex with a girl, it was my ex-gf in mid 2016. She was a virgin and inexperienced so I don't think she noticed it, or maybe she did but didn't say anything but we always did it a few times a day. But it is a serious problem that made me feel very insecure about myself.)

4) Pornography. (My pornography issues started back when I was 13/14. It started from watching images which slowly transpired into videos. At first, I was watching normal categories, and as I grew older and had sex with multiple women, this changed. I found myself to liking pornography that is slightly rougher on the woman. I have not had many sexual partners, only 3 but the only time consciously mimicked what I saw from porn onto my last girlfriend (the 3rd), which was ejaculating into her mouth without her consent, Jesus Christ man! She was pissed! I apologized profusely and never did it again although at the back of my mind, that particular act was something that I wanted. After I broke up with her which was around the 3rd quarter of 2016, I masturbated on and off. Often times multiple times daily, sometimes once a day and sometimes once a week. I could never make a decision and would quickly spiral back into pornography. Up to this year, my pornography issues escalated quickly, watching unbearable things that I'd just stop jacking off and start wondering what the hell is wrong with these women, and then wondering what the hell is wrong with me for watching this rubbish. Until the 5th of September, when it all changed)

5) Always feeling sad and unmotivated. (When I used to fap a lot, I did not notice at all that I'm a sad person, not to mention needy. I'd always get drunk and smoke marijuana and then release my tension to the people around me. One incident that got me really embarrassed was when I went for a holiday trip with my friends. 4 friends and one of their girlfriend. I got wasted and got angry for no reason, started cussing around and telling my personal problems out loud. To this day, when I see her, I'd apologize and she will always tell me the same thing, "You don't have to apologize, I know the real you and I know you're a good person". To me, it is very different when I talk about my problems to my guy friends but not to women, especially my housemate's girlfriend. At some point, I called the suicide hotline telling them I was feeling suicidal but I was speaking to some indian woman from a call center trying to rectify my mobile network issue. No it's not racist, I'm indian too. lol, so yeah, the suicide did not happen but I was indeed feeling terrible that night. I called my mum and spoke to her instead. Turns out, my biggest problem was that I was heavily in debt and did not earn a stable income to repay my debts.)



Now, to the benefits after only ONE MONTH! I will also speak about the current issues I face.

Benefits.
1) I am very very happy. (Even on bad days, I feel very happy. Like a radiating feeling. I feel very satisfied with my life and constantly motivated to do something. Sometimes, I do things that aren't very beneficial like driving around aimlessly but I love driving very much so I don't see this as a problem, it's therapeutic. Out of 7 days in a week, I usually get up early around 6am except sometimes when I work late, then I'll sleep in until 9am. Sometimes I sleep until 12pm but it's very rare and only because I'm so motivated to finish my work and sleep at 6am) Oh, I gave up hot showers. I don't have a heater installed in my bathroom at my parent's place anyways so it's so much easier. I don't use the shower, I got a big bucket and will fill it up with water to the brim and I'd leave the bathroom door open. Overnight, when my room is really cold, the bucket of water gets very cold too. So when I take a shower in the morning, It's freezing. During the day, the water is cool and if I want it colder, I'll put a bunch of ice cubes in it. This has helped me multiple times when I get an unwanted erection)

2) Women Attraction. (I had absolutely no interest in this because I made up my mind that the next girl I want to have sex with will be the girl that I know I want to marry in the future. I believed others when they say during nofap, women attraction will be higher and it is true, I do personally feel more confident now. Last time,I used to hunch a lot and look down most of the time. Nowadays, I stand straight and look up confidently and if a girl looks at me, I'd look back at her and smile. I’m a regular visitor to the local Starbucks café in my town. Every time I go there, I’d get a small note on my cup saying “you’re cute”, “keep smiling” etc. But this is not very important to me right now, my focus now is to get my finances and personal life sorted out. Everything else will come later in abundance! Even men would smile and greet me sometimes. I find this very weird because NOBODY had done that before in 28 years of my life, NOBODY!!!! Heck, even kids are so much nicer and their high pitched laughter doesn't piss me off.)

3) Relationship with parents. (Trust me when I say this guys. My mother can talk and talk for hours at a time and I can’t even get angry even If I wanted to. Maybe some of you have similar experiences, older people are a bit slow when it comes to learning technology. Before, I’d get pissed when they don’t know how to use the laptop or the phone but I realise I’m so much more patient nowadays and teach them. I’d always ask myself, “how would I teach a 5-year-old? With patience and it has to be easy to understand”. I’d do just that and everything just flows smoothly. My relationship with my parents has became so much better now. My mother often tells me how proud she is of me now and my dad… well, he’s a quiet person just like me. He says it sometimes, but indirectly and strictly. He used to be in the military so I guess that’s how he just is. Nevertheless, I’m very happy.)

4) Personal Life. (Let’s see, here are the changes I made. I completely quit alcohol. Last beer I had was on the 3rd of August. This is purely for spiritual reasons and I just hate the person I am when I’m drunk. I also quit smoking marijuana, last joint smoked was on the 3rd week of June, prior to getting my covid vaccination. I quit weed because I wasn’t really getting high and I’m spending a lot on it. Just wasn’t worth it. I still smoke a vape pen now but have drastically reduced the nicotine percentage from over 15% to 3%. I will quit sometime in the near future when I’m mentally stable and grounded. I meditate 2-3 times daily and follow a specific ritual on my meditation process which helped me a lot. I can also get into meditation faster and have a deeper experience every time, clear thoughts all the way. I also do a scripting letter (Check out: Life By Lucie & Master Sri Akarshana on Youtube). I only follow some of their guides especially scripting. The meditation I do is Sahaja Yoga. Other than that, I work out although not very consistently, around 2-4 times a week. What I consistently do is push ups and lifting weights in my room. I am also slowly transitioning into a vegetarian and I feel that doing nofap increases my motivation and increases my discipline to not reach out for non-vegetarian food.)

5) Massive Energy Boost & Faster Learning. (I am able to sustain high energy levels throughout the day which previously was close to non-existent. I used to be tired all the time and feeling lazy. Now, when I think of doing something, I just count, 5,4,3,2,1 and start doing it. Faster learning is also something that I realized just recently. Whatever book I read, I'm able to quickly grasp it's meaning where previously, I had to read the same sentence a few times to even understand something.)



So, now let's get to the current issues I face.

What I feel is very hard for me right now is resisting temptation to look at porn. It’s not that I have thoughts of pornography, NEVER but I do always have the imagination of me having sex with my ex constantly popping up and this escalates into porn. Over the 30 days that I practised nofap, the first incident was watching travelling videos on YouTube which portrayed women in bikinis and it slowly transpired into me looking for more of the same videos. I realized what I was doing and unsubscribed to that channel. Took a cold shower after. Today, however, is different. I was resting on my bed, and I let my thoughts wander. The entire imagination consisted of my ex giving me blowjobs. And it escalated into me searching for porn. I think I watched it for a solid 10 minutes and found myself to be disgusted at the things that I used to watch. I’d say 50-50, like I don’t like it but some parts of it do turn me on. After 10 minutes and not even touching myself, I asked myself if it’s worth it. 30 days already completed and it would suck to restart it again, all the gain, although small to others, it is a very big accomplishment for me. So I closed it, installed a porn blocker on my browser, went downstairs, got a load of ice cubes and took a freezing cold shower at 1am. Just freaked my balls immediately and my thoughts quickly shifted from imagining my naked ex into “I’m so fricking cold right now, I need to find a heat source”. I feel this is just a beginning and there’s so much more to go through!

Maybe some would consider consciously watching porn is a relapse but it all depends on the personal rules you set for yourself. Ask yourself a couple of questions instead asking others in the forum if you've relapsed. What are your personal standards? For me, I don't consider watching porn a relapse especially when my mindset is improving but then again, I want to completely stop and since it's only 30 days, I think it is a little hard. Over time, these thoughts will pass and I will no longer have the intention to search for pornography. I also don't edge. Because as I stated earlier, I have issues with ejaculating too quickly. When I meet my future spouse, I will tell her honestly about the issue I'm facing and since there are condoms laced with substances that can help from ejaculating quickly, it's not a very big problem and I am 100% confident with my meditation practice, a better workout regiment and eating healthily can improve/ heal my condition.

Thank you for reading my very long story. I will update in the future with more updates. Below is a screenshot of my NoFap app.




EDIT: A fellow member commented this, "Still isn't watching porn considered a relapse especially if you are doing it intentionally.
Since even if you don't consider it a relapse the dopamine is still being released."

Viewing it from a different perspective has made me re-evaluate. Retention alone isn't enough since I am trying to clear my brain off porn as well. So, I'm resetting my counter back to 0. Though, all is not lost. I still have 30+ days of progress, just a minor setback.

 

Nandri Nanba

 

Thanks for your comment buddy. Well, yes, I do have to agree with you although I tell myself otherwise. I think at the end of the day, it all comes down to what your personal end goals are. Mine is trying to cure PE and have a real relationship. But still, you're right. Resetting my counter.

 

That is very true man. Peeking is the biggest culprit. Thank you brother.