My first post here, but it might be to late for advice

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vicioussycle, May 17, 2018.

  1. Vicioussycle

    Vicioussycle New Fapstronaut

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    Slowly my relationship with my husband of five years started to die over the past year. There was barely any sex at all, he blamed stress, had testosterone checked, but I had a gut feeling, so I had asked him if he PMO, he got very defensive, and said this just isn't working out, I'm not "in love" with you anymore. This might sound weak but, I apologized for asking him that, and asked for another chance.... Then months later I found a way to check the router, and could see the browsing history, I showed him what I found, he flat out denied it, got defensive, and angry. He had me thinking it was all in my head, I was being paranoid and that every thing was fine... Then months later I coun't take it anymore, I had to know if I was just loosing my mind and being paranoid, or was he really PMO'ing in the bathroom. So I did something I'm not proud of admitting here, I put a hidden camera in the bathroom, and I left it in there for two days, before I checked it... OMG I was sick to my stomach, all I could think about was all the lies, all those times he'd reject me for one excuse or another, how he made me think I was loosing my mind, how he would make me go weeks without sex, but he was having sex everyday. How he had to use ED Rx with me, but didn't have those problems for PMO, how he even went to get his testosterone checked, how did he not understand why his libido was gone ... But I couldn't tell him what I did, because that was a violation of trust he would not forgive. I got rid of the camera, because I didn't want to get caught with it plus I figured I found out what I needed to know. I hit the internet searching for answers, and I found them. Then for some reason I thought if he only knew what I just found out, he would be like oh, wow, I didn't know, and stop. Then we could go back to our happy marriage... But instead he left, hasn't answered my calls or text in 3 days. What I don't understand is how can he be angry with me? I know what he's been doing, yet he's angry at me?? Then he finally text me tonight, and said that I was delusional, and he hasn't PMO in over a year but because of my constant accusations he has lost all the attraction he ever felt for me. Then he said he was filing for divorce, and the only communication he would have with me is over the terms of the divorce, which really sucks because he controls all the money, I don't have access to the accounts, the house and cars are in his name, he makes like 6x's what I do.. I even work for him, he hired me to be an admin on one of his job sites, so now I loose my husband, my home, my car, my job... that's what I meant by a little to late to ask for advise. I probable should of just given up and learned to live with it.
     
  2. Healingwings

    Healingwings Fapstronaut

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    No kids?

    If no kids, you are very lucky to be able to start over.

    No problem. You can survive without him. Start with renting a room.
     
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  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Ok... I'm jjust skimming here.. But home security laws say that you can put cameras anywhere in your home.
    As long as a sign is posted warning people before entering.
    Privacy is something people want, sure... But it doesn't exist.
    If she doesn't have a home security system previously, yeah... This is a problem.
    Otherwise, it's a debate issue.
     
  4. roonilwaslib

    roonilwaslib Fapstronaut

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    @Vicioussycle Regardless of how you decide to proceed, are you considering any kind of personal therapy for yourself? While it's true that the things he's said to you are coming in one way or another from his addiction, that doesn't minimize the psychological damage such extreme manipulation does to a person. Are you familiar with the term 'gaslighting'? If not, I've included a link for you. Being made to feel crazy for so long can actually lead to you questioning your own sanity for years after the fact.

    I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...verywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting
     
  5. Nate1879

    Nate1879 Fapstronaut

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    You did the right thing. His reaction is completely defensive, and trying to blame you for what you know is his fault. You must understand clearly that his reactions and accusations are his fault, not yours. And they signify his unwillingness to be challenged.
     
  6. usernamenaive

    usernamenaive Fapstronaut

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    this sounds like gas lighting indeed. it's really damaging to the abused partner.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  7. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    I don't understand how he denied the router history.... Or how that necessitated camera use. You already knew. He knows you knew and yet he lied. If he can't admit that's what he was doing even with very clear evidence...... I don't think he is going to open up at all. Or try to change. I'm so sorry.
     
  8. Wow this is a motivation for me. Thanks for sharing. Reading through all the posts it's clear that people can take many paths to recovery and just as many towards avoiding the core problems affecting their lives. My only counsel is to first talk to a lawer and prepare for any and all legal fall out. Second, take some time for deep introspection like @GhostWriter talked about. Everything else for healing the relationship will require cooperation and communication, which could be very difficult considering his current stance. I wish you the best and hope he sees the light.
     
  9. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    I don't mean that he will never be able to heal... I'm sorry if it came off that way. I'm saying he does not currently seem to be in the position to heal the relationship nor does he want to help it. Of course EVERYONE can change. But the ball is not in her court.
     

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