My fractured but whole life ....

Keeping busy !! Doing real life
Yoga & meditation every morning .. Also drinking more water , I really did not notice until I was skipping water deliveries how little I was taking in .. That is about to change I will learn to love H2o On the other hand ....
Relationships are much more complex I wish it was that easy to fix ..
SO mentioned out of nowhere that an online media server a free OS that he uses someone posted wondering how to hide porn stars names off a search feature for that one server the family shares .. eg , if you search a name like Jennifer it will search all the Jennifers in your movie collection even your private collection and all the Jennifers Imdb photos & info would come up .. I found that weird he also mentioned all the guys telling this dude do better at hiding your porn in the comment section It totally pissed me off
I did not lead on that it bothered me .. I just was bitchy passive agressive though .. I hate this it is like I live with a teenage boy Other than that looking forward to the weekend

 

It is very sad that my self esteem is so low .. maybe non existant .. even staying in and watching tv , a movie with him makes me feel so ugly its like everywhere is a threat and woman are the enemy lol sad but true..

Sometimes he needs a bib , grow the fuck up .. and on another note he said he would vote for woman to have the choice to go topless in public .. it was just an awful weekend

 

Since he cannot give up his mobile phone we have problems ..

It is a matter of trust but not much is changing .. back to low libido .. tired and to be honest not very good company when we are together .. I am feeling that this is the begining to an end

 

Struggles and more struggles for both of us .. I thought that once I left my PA fiance I could handle my next relationship .. not so easy sadly and much more than not they are addicts out there just waiting to meet you .. You will never ever be enough for them .. The woman they bring with them everywhere are getting younger and more beautiful from all over the world .. They wake up and and go to bed gorgeous ..
You can lose the weight, wear make up, dress to the nines and these woman will have you beat with just one click !! Why does he say he loves me and then turns into such an asshole .. #pornkillslove

 

SO said that he feels so great watching insta of woman in other counties , sharing their days and vacations having fun! wearing a bikini then slipping into a nice dress to flatter each curve and supple bossom ..
These are his words best to my memory and I get it but the truth hurts ..

I am going to focus on aging as slowly as possible .. Save each $ for plastic surgeries .. this is the world we live in ..

I am feeling lower than dirt .. #plastic surgery

 

We are no longer together .. I am taking a break from the whole dating scene .. There are a lot of boys in a man's clothing ..

 

Thank you I think since I ended the relationship with him and this was my 2nd relationship with a PA I may find some comfort and support here and I will continue to keep my journal to touch base about all these feelings that I am overwhelmed with .. I have to give you a virtual hug @MountainInMyWay for sharing your kindness with me, it really feels like a weight has been lifted from me when someone gets what I am going through ** hugs **

 

Friday and Saturday were fun because I kept myself busy .. I had a BBQ with some old friends the fire pit at night felt cozy .. I enjoyed some wine , lots of chit chat about current politics Dark Brandon , abortions and espionage.. I listened and prayed for no drama and it was peaceful wow, I guess we were all in agreement with our hostess ..
The next day was a vegan feast with my bestie and her friends we played games ,
and karaoke !! Tonight I made a delish strawberry salad for dinner yum! I am about to relax with a movie and my doggy cuddling next to me .. I am still planning my trip to Seattle to check out what is left of the grunge scene .. I am a huge Nirvana fan so this vacay will make it bitter sweet nostalgia ..

 

Today is a beautiful rainy day .. and as I stayed in bed listening to the raindrops I was making a mental plan to lower my stress levels as well as my blood pressure .. I think I need to change the way I process my sadness .. I can't say that I am shocked that I am going through this again.. I will need to look at this loss as an oppurtunity to improve many things first my health .. This high blood pressure number is quite scary .. I am not taking meds , I always try to heal first naturally .. Going forward I hope I can find distractions to get through this again ....

 

I am not in therapy at the moment.. Although I have been .. She was right on when she said I had 3 choices with my former fiance' 1. Leave him 2. Stay and be miserable or 3. Accept it all and live knowing this will be the way it is and if your still miserable your choice was 2 not 3 .. I cannot live with choice 2 and 3 and I left .. I may look into therapy for the sake of venting out these hopeless feelings ..

 

Remember Never Forget 9/11 also Rest In Peace Queen Elizabeth ll . Her Majesty was so very beautiful in her youth and aged gracefully.. I always had a kindness for British Monarchy, not obsessed like some Americans lol
I have been indulging in unhealthy eating habits , and I am blaming my hormones for the chocolate , potato chips and dip till I bust .. I used to be so concerned but lately I am like why bother and who cares you will never match up to those woman on the internet lol they are perfect might as well enjoy those reeses .. I just can't anymore though , I feel sick and I am giving up sugar and try to break up with salt .. I feel so awful the morning after like a junk food hangover ugh.. and then .....
my former fiance still texts me and all his BS is the same and I just answer him when I get to it .. he always wants to meet up , for what? to prove" it "still works I am not interested in any of that he made his choice and I will never trust him .. Do people P/A change ? no not really , it will always be there and it will be forced to contain those urges .. underneath it all no matter how many times you paint over rust it is still paint over rust.. On a more positive note, I am thinking of getting my lil girl Lola ( my yorkie ) a sister after we return from Seattle .. I definitely want to feel better physically and mentally by then .. Perhaps a new fur baby to love ♡ will help too ..

 

Those people have no class .. I watched the funeral procession today and cried

 

I love Autumn and have been busy planning a fall picnic with friends at a beautiful overlook ..
Been redoing my garden for fall ,watching japanese movies and curling up with a good book .. I am excited that hockey season begins soon.. I am not positive about Seattle in November , I have a medical problem I need to address first that I have delayed for so long .. wishing it away will not do and I have to deal with it, so it is a maybe for now .. In other news I have been trying my best at learning the stock market to do some investments now that stocks are down .. To build a substantial portfolio for extra income ..
My former fiance felt the need to reach out to me and let me know he is dating a much younger woman .. I did not respond to him , he probably thinks I am sad. Knowing him, and honestly, I am not .. rather confused though by what would he expect me to say ?

 

The Autumn weather has been beautiful! A few friends and I had a small picnic gathering this past weekend and it was beautiful being surrounded by nature , the food was delish , some wine too ..
Today I spent a small fortune on Halloween decorations lol
I want to plan a small Halloween party a kinda get together dress to impress costumes and all .. I am keeping myself busy .. it gets lonely , especially at night