My GF found out about my twisted porn addiction. Starting PM, how can I make things easier on her?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Struggling-Otter, Oct 5, 2020.

  1. Struggling-Otter

    Struggling-Otter Fapstronaut

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    I feel really ashamed. She feels betrayed, I shattered her trust, and although I never straight out lied to her, I did keep my sexual deviance hidden from her.

    She's being supportive, although I know she doesn't have to stick around and I'm incredibly thankful. I know I can be better. I'm 24yo so I grew up surrounded by the internet and I've been masturbating daily for close to 11 or 12 years now. I never saw anything wrong with it and I did it before, during, and after every relationship I've had.

    I've talked to her, I've been honest and I told her there's nothing that can justify my actions. I stressed this point, if I'm talking about it, it's not because I condone it. It's because I admit and agree wholeheartedly that it's a problem, it's my responsibility and she's right to feel everything she's feeling.

    I haven't told her about nofap or my decision to stop altogether. I think I will after I reach a meaningful milestone, at least a week. What else can I do to help her ease her mind, to have her trust heal?
     
    syefox likes this.
  2. eric9000k

    eric9000k Fapstronaut

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    give space and let her come to you this is the single most important thing you can do in your situation now and don't even think about her feelings any more once you have processed the guilt and start with forgiving yourself if she is a good person and you give her the space everything will be fine, otherwise you will learn more truths about the world.
     
  3. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    If you can, practice rigorous authenticity. Surrender the outcome. Do the uncomfortable work. If she can't handle your honesty, like you have to say things like "I'm really wanting to watch porn right now" then you need to find a sponsor or a friend you trust enough to practice that rigorous authenticity. I don't think that's necessarily a good burden for her to bear so if you can find one other guy on this planet who you can have that kind of relationship with then do it. You have to do this uncomfortable work. From what I've noticed women hate the lying more. The lying means she can't trust you. So really do your best to not lie. And the only way to do that is to surrender the outcome. You don't care what happens, you just don't lie. You have to believe that deep down.

    I say this while I still lie a lot and I can't surrender the outcome. However, I am living this way more and my life is much more authentic and real. And because of it my relationships are actually better.
     
    eagle rising likes this.
  4. Struggling-Otter

    Struggling-Otter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Danda, I have reached out to multiple local sex addicts associations, in hopes of finding additional support. I feel truly determined and I have never wanted to change something so bad in my life. But I know wanting something is just the first step of the process, hard work and commitment is what makes change truly possible. I hope this community and those sex addicts associations can give me a space to speak openly about my addiction. I'm also starting to keep a log here, to keep myself accountable. Thank you again for your support and for taking the time to read.
     
    dandausa likes this.
  5. Alilcloudy

    Alilcloudy Fapstronaut

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    Listen when she wants to talk about it. we are seeking to understand this because we usually can’t and we think it’s our fault.
    Don’t be defensive - it makes it worse
    Hold her if she cries
    Give her time alone to process when she needs to
    Never stop trying to overcome this addiction!
    Be open and transparent
    Know that she may now have trust issues not just with you but others
    Regaining her trust will take time.
    Hold her some more
    Be available to talk or listen or just be present
    I know you said you hid it from her: to many women we view this as deception and lying. Please please don’t lie. Women hate lies and it chips away at our faith in you when we find out you’re lying. once we’re aware you’ve Been lying, we’re hyper aware of everything and we will always seek the truth. Continued Lying will probably cause us to give up or at a minimum hurt us even more deeply if that’s possible.

    Also remember If she loved you before, she can still love you now. I personally didn’t stop loving upon discovery. I do not want him to feel shame and beat himself up especially to the point that he feels worthless. He is not worthless. YOU are not worthless. I want him to regret this mistake and be the Man I know he can be. I want him to grow stronger and live a transparent life with me. Be the man she needs you to be! That’s how you can help her! Get up and fight this that’s what she needs. A fighter. Best of luck!!
     
  6. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    Very awesome responses!

    I might add one thing. Try and put yourself in her shoes. What if she was telling you all of this stuff? How would you feel? Picture this, whenever you two would connect she would, on that same day, go and watch something to MO to, without you. Without even thinking about telling you. What if that happened day after day after day? I would suspect that you wouldn't feel too good about that.

    Taking other people's perspective into account is in general a very good practice.

    I wish you two all the best!
     
  7. Struggling-Otter

    Struggling-Otter Fapstronaut

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    I understand, thank you all for being so understanding and for having such awesome feedback. I'll give her the space she needs, and I never want to hide anything from her ever again. I get that I can't expect her to trust me just like that, it'll take time and effort on my part. I feel so sucky about how I damaged her sense of trust, I feel like I'm hurting her so incredibly much... I really love her, the things I did, they were never with the mindset of wanting to hurt her. But my actions did hurt her regardless of what I was thinking and feeling. I really don't want to lose the opportunity to be as happy as we once were and know we can be. I know I can be better and more importantly, I really honestly want to be better. I know there's a ton of good things I can offer. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart T_T
     
    Agustín159 likes this.
  8. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    Just remember it's going to be hard to quit. Your body is going to go through withdrawal. It expects porn or masturbation every day. You'll have to learn to experience emotions instead of numbing them out with porn/masturbation/orgasm. There are times you are going to feel like dying. If you don't watch porn or masturbate you will feel like you're going to die. But that'll pass. Your body and brain have to detox. Just remember there's hope. I went through a brutal week a few weeks ago at 70+ days pmo free and it was horrible but it was good to get through it. I'm just warning you. Your brain will lie to you. But you'll be okay! Keep reaching out. We love you!
     
  9. Struggling-Otter

    Struggling-Otter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much Danda. I really want to commend you, I admire your strength. I hope I can reach the point you're at, you have tremendous willpower. I will keep frequenting this forum everyday, keeping track and keeping myself accountable. I feel really compelled to stop cold turkey and go 90 days, and hopefully I can keep going forever after I reach that milestone. Something that helps me is to stop thinking about what I'm giving up, and focus on the things I'm going to gain and achieve. Tysm for your support and advice, and congratulations on your journey.
     
  10. bRj

    bRj Fapstronaut

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    My take on this.

    Guys need space, girls not that much. When we are beaten we go to our cave, they seek attention and love; they want to feel wanted. Which is the main problem with she finding out about your porn addiction; she might be asking herself (Am I good enough? Do I turn him on? Is he gonna leave me if she finds a girl that does all those things that he is watching...?)

    She is probably shocked, because she didn't expect that. So you need to explain all of this from a psychological point of view.

    1) Porn is like a drug, the more you abuse it the more quantity you are gonna need to get that high. The first time you smoke weed you might need just a couple of hits to get you high but if you have ever kept smoking or know someone who smokes weed regularly you know that he needs much more than that to get himself high.

    Porn is the same, that is why we start with watching boobies and a few years later we find ourselves watching bukakes, bdsm, hard-core compilation, mouthfucks, etc. Is not that we have gone mad, or that we see women as objects; certainly it kinda pushes our thoughts into that direction, but setting our reality as such it takes more than porn. So don't punish yourself. The thing is that because is not real pur brain needs more and more stimulation to get that high, to get the dopamine rolling in our system.

    2) The truth has to be more powerful than your guilt. Truth is born within love guilt within fear; I'm sure you've heard of the analogy that we all have two wolves living inside of us, the difference is which one you feed the most. Well now is onw of those times. Be as honest as you can be. And bro as V said "Words will always retain their power" telling her that your love for her is inspiring you to become better, to go through an addiction that has been with you for over 12 years, that there are many benefits from quitting porn; if you thank her for that, if you thank her to help you become better. There is no reason to give her much space.

    3) The space is for you. Take your time to get your shit together, to really commit to this journey because of you, not because of her. She might be the trigger, she might be the one, but remember that you are doing this for you.
     
  11. Struggling-Otter

    Struggling-Otter Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this, although I obviously would love to be with her more than anything, I understand she's going through a lot too and she could decide to deal with everything on her own. I don't want to bank on her staying for my success. I try to make this about myself, even if I recognize I hurt her in more ways I can imagine. If she leaves, I wouldn't want her to see me in a couple of years or whatever and feel disgusted. If she leaves and I ever find someone to love again, I want to be the best I can offer, something she'd truly deserve.
     
  12. errevi96

    errevi96 Fapstronaut

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    I am in the same situation, suffering everyday for shame and sense of guilt, and because I hurt my girlfriend telling her my problem. I was not able to stop this bad behaviour and i continued for months after we begin our relationship. Then I begun to learn to control my impulsion. Now i am currently on a month streak and the anxiety and depression hit very hard
     
  13. bRj

    bRj Fapstronaut

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    Why do you think was the cause of that anxiety????
     
  14. ihatepornsomuch

    ihatepornsomuch Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Wife of a porn addict here... my advice would be to make sure to listen to her. My husband would sometimes get frustrated when I would repeat a question I’ve already asked trying to understand it all, and that made it even worse on my end. So listen and be patient.

    Be very empathetic to her in this situation. I know that modern day society has really desensitized the world to pornography and sex in general, but for most women, this is a huge betrayal and being unfaithful to the relationship. It makes us so insecure... bc how could we ever compete with that. So make sure to give her compliments, remind her how pretty she is or what she means to you. Don’t be degrading by any means, but in the right moment, let her know you like her ass or whatever haha! For me, personally, I needed to hear those types of things. Just overall, say what’s on your mind. We need you to be open with us, even if it hurts in the moment. That’s how you build your trust back up.

    Please check in with her when you are doing well... don’t make her ask or always wonder how you’re doing. Even it sucks and is embarrassing to tell her you’ve messed up again, we’d rather you be honest and be in the know than be in the dark about it all. My husband has finally made the steps to fix this problem and today was able to tell me he’s made it 19 days! That may not seem like a lot but we’ve been struggling for nearly 2 years with this issue (he has a very similar story to your own - been doing it for about 8 years now, always been internet easy access and every day use).

    If she really loves you, she will want to help you through this. The best thing you can do is just keep progressing. Do everything it takes to quit. Take all the steps necessary. I am extremely sad for my husband in his situation, as this addiction has him chained to it. It’s been a huge struggle to see and it’s hurt our relationship immensely. But what makes me even more sad - how wide spread of an issue this is for (I would say) a majority of men. Pornography is poison, I wish there was a way to rid the world of it all.
     
    bama_lost likes this.
  15. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    There is only so much you can do.

    1. Take responsibility
    2. Take ownership of recovery/sobriety (different things)
    3. DONT be defensive
    4. Be honest
    5. Give it time
    6. Try some reading on betrayal trauma
     
    bama_lost and Peter.Parker10 like this.
  16. Exoffender

    Exoffender Fapstronaut

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    Your husband is so lucky to have you. i admire your wise words.
     
    ihatepornsomuch likes this.

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