my girl rarely wants sex

First sex can be complicated in any relationship, but when PMO enters, sex becomes a battlefield at times.
How long were you able to stop PMO the first time round? Also, does your gf know about your PMO and have you lied to her over and over? If you have, then maybe she hasn't been in the mood because she senses a disconnection. I know my husband lied and lied and it broke trust, and in turn made me want nothing to do with him until I knew he could be faithful. (btw we are both 23 y/o)

I know that my husband is the PMO addict, but I am the one with a high sex drive. Originally I thought we had similar drives because while he was in his addiction he and I had sex all the time. Once he was 3 months out of PMO his natural sex drive returned and I realized his drive was about 2 times per week instead of every day... it was a big shocker. But what we have done is discuss our differences in sex drive. We talk often about it, come to compromises, and discuss other ways to connect.

Have you developed any other coping skills to deal with the addiction? It sounds like your sexual frustration (or withdrawal) is affecting you quite negatively. One thing that helped my husband was getting back into old hobbies when he gave up PMO. He is back to working on cars, playing his guitar, drawing, etc. Those things are things he always enjoyed, but due to PMO never had the energy or motivation for.

On this forum, also you will see that if someone is not in the mood for sex, there is never an excuse to look elsewhere if in a monogamous committed relationship. Does your gf know you started looking elsewhere? If not, then you need to be honest. six years is a long time to be committed. My husband and I have been together for only 2.4 years and we got married this past summer (yes I married him knowing he is an addict, but he was over a year clean). The one thing that made me feel the relationship had hope was 100% honesty.

So I don't know your personal journey, but I would say honesty is number one, number two if you haven't, try getting an accountability partner and adding filtering blocking software on all your devices (it really helps in the beginning when trying to initially quit), and also think about therapy. Addictions stem from something, whether it be trauma, attachment, or just because you started at a young age and were vulnerable to addiction. Until you figure out the underlying issues to addiction you most likely will continue to relapse.

I wish you the best of luck in recovery! I am going to link my husbands thread and a resources thread that can be helpful!

Husbands thread: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-still-recovering-in-the-relationship.107395/

Resources: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/resources-that-are-helpful-to-both-pa-and-so.108414/

 

Been there; felt that.

Could be helpful to take a closer look at your statement. While you feel like you could O twice a day, is that really something that will help you out in the rest of your life? Could it be part of the reason you've found your way to this site and forum? Why do you MO? Is it because that's how much your body demands or does it serve other purposes? Is MO an escape for you? Do you MO to feel better about life, distract yourself from pending issues and problems in your life?

If you spend time reflecting and really thinking about these things, I expect you'll realize that while it would be fun to O twice a day, everyday, its really not necessary. In fact, its destructive towards your ability to live an energetic, happy life.

Keep going down the path you are on and you'll see your urges and needs for sex, or O in general, start becoming less and less. This change is felt in many aspects of your life, but especially in your relationship. Vocal or not, your resentment for your SO's sex drive is palpable in your relationship. By reigning in your "needs", you'll be putting less conscious/subconscious pressure on your SO to fulfill your desires.

Work on yourself and the rest will fall in place. After all, it is the only thing you can work on anyway.

and smile; you can do it!

 

national average is 55x per year. make what you want of that...

 

Does that statistic represent individuals or couples?

 

It's given as the avg number of times married couples have sex per year in the US. Read it over a year ago, so it's a bit dated. I think the recent British survey was in the same ball park though

 

This is going to be harsh, but it's my opinion based on your post.

You are blaming her for YOUR ISSUES.
You're also using recovery as an excuse to be 'not in control of your emotions'.

This is not your girls problem. She is a victim of your addiction.

Your hornyness is not going to kill you, make you sick, or torture you. LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT.

Take a step back, remove your girl from the list of blame. The only item on that list should be you. If not, then you haven't accepted responsibility for YOUR actions.

Horniness happens. It's all about how YOU deal with it. How YOU react to it.Be saying that YOUR horniness forces you to look to other girls is comparable to a junky checking out of recovery early because they get to many urges to use.

I recommend doing a full reboot. No orgasm, no porn or p-subs, and no masturbation. If your girl wants to initiate sex, by all means do it, but try not to O, yourself. Take time, enjoy the experience. Take note of the feelings, keep your thought on her, try to mentally pour all your emotions from your eyes to hers. Tell her you're enjoying it. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her you love (or really like) her.

Definitely read up more about SA because I feel you do not have a full understanding.

 

Part of a lot of SA (sex addict) and PA (porn addict) recoveries includes getting rid of social media since most social media has porn on it. My husband deleted his instagram and any other social media accounts, goes on fb only in the presence of me. Instagram was a huge issue for him, so he learned that it wasn't healthy for him to have in his life.

 

Yep, I agree, get rid of instagram. My husband also deleted any social media and doesn't even use the internet anymore 99% of the time.

 

Hope you overcome this.

 

Thanks for the positive response to my harsh feedback.

It's great you didn't take it personally as an attack.
Annaxo answered the SA definition wonderfully.

I got rid of my social media and stick only to Google Hangouts and noFap related sites. You will find a lot more time on your hands so getting into hobbies or self improvement activities should be a must. A top priority may be identifying your triggers and plan your coping techniques.

 

Try transmuting your energy into something positive and healthy. It could be any of your old hobbies or something entirely new like learning a new language or meditating. If your mind is busy in that hobby/activity, you won't feel horny all the time. This will work when she is not around or at work.
Also, instead of sex, try hugging her, kissing her and cuddling with her. Express your feelings of love to her. It will produce the feel-good hormones and will make you feel connected to her and also you would feel better and be less horny afterwards.

 

I see this as you just attempting to transfer your addictive behavior from pmo to her. So since normally you would be PMOing more frequently than you are having sex you want to have sex more to replace that. I have had sex with a man who does that and it’s not fun. The whole sex experience becomes about them and their need to ejaculate. You saying that you want the ejaculate more leads me to that conclusion. It gets even worse when some PMO addicts in recovery literally masturbate relationship their partner. Meaning they will have sex for a bit and then use their own hand to O while totally forgetting you are even in the room and replaying porn scenes or using the partner like she’s a girl on the screen. If you do this you are imo still acting in your addiction. And if you use your Hand on yourself at all you are setting yourself up for the chaser effect. Sex Is about a mutually pleasurable experience and for many addicts it’s always been a solitary experience. So your SO is in the room but there is no connection.

A few things. Don’t make sex about your orgasm. Focus on connecting with your partner. Move away from this belief that many men have that you must ejaculate a certain amount of times to be healthy. If your body needs to ejaculate you will have a wet dream. You may be uncomfortable but your health is fine. When you have the urge to pmo or ejaculate ask yourself in that moment what are you feeling that makes you want to do that? Is your body physically stimulated? Or are you tired bored sad depressed? It’s worth mentioning that when most men decide to look at porn they are not physically stimulated at all. It’s the porn that stimulates them. Try to focus physically on what your body is saying and I think more often than not you will find you are not stimulated.

As far as how often people have sex sure maybe that information is a point of interest but you can’t let it define what happens in your bedroom. One or the biggest things I observed with pmo addicts is they often reason they have to use porn because their partners don’t have sex with them enough and it allows them to continue to use and not feel bad. It’s almost as if the man feels he’s entitled to a certain amount of sex from his partner and does not take into consideration her as a human being. Porn is sex on demand and it only focuses on your needs. It wraps a mans mind into thinking he’s entitled to something he’s not. Women in general don’t enjoy having sex with no intimacy where they feel used as an MO tool and believe me we can tell. So often men who are having sex less often then they would like fail to realize the reason she does not want to. I know it’s hard because depending when you started pmo you may not know what real intimacy feels like. But trust me it’s much better than where you are now.

I do think part of being married is that you should consider your partners sexual needs. So without reason I don’t think the women or men who just stop having sex with their spouses or have it once a year are in the right. But two times a week when I presume you don’t live together is pretty good. In most relationships pmo or not people have to compromise as they rarely have the same exact drive.

 

Don't let people shame you for being horny and wanting sex. Or even just feeling like you need to ejaculate. That's how men are when they're young.

If your girlfriend's sex drive has diminished significantly, then that is something that can be addressed. Typically, it's from one of three reasons:

1. She is not feeling good, either due to stress, health problems, or body-image concerns;
2. Medication side-effects;
   
3. She is less attracted to you.

You have to work out which of these it is and then do what you can to address it.

If her sex drive has always been low and this is frustrating you, then this is a serious incompatibility that is unlikely to improve with time.

 

I have to disagree with the statements that OppForBetter posted. Forgive me for being preachy...

No one has shame this person. They've all been positive & constructive.

Stating "that's how young men are" sounds like there is an implied 'and can't help their reactions to it'. ALL PEOPLE (male, female, young, old) feel like this. This is not a problem for normal people. this IS a problem for addicts because of their response to it. A good part of recovery is establishing healthy reactions to situations and stimuli.

He, or anyone, cannot address another person's issue UNLESS they want them to. Stating that he can address it implied he can control or fix it.

You can't control or fix what's in another person's head unless you manipulate them and that should not be on the table.

Another thing, one of the most common conflicts in relationships are their SO's try to fix the others problems when they should really just listen and be empathetic to their problems.

So instead of fixing it, talk and listen. Share feelings.

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Sorry, lots of meanings and words added to your post based on my interpretation.

MY own opinion on how to better the situation is to include self improvement to enhance the relationship. Workout, dress nice, write love notes, learn gardening, cooking dinner. Woo her like you still crave her Smiles. Make her feel like you're still dating. Be positive in everything.

I've said too much, this has turned into a rant long ago...