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My girlfriend doesn’t understand porn addiction.Please help!

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by NarutoYi, Dec 8, 2019.

  1. Dec 8, 2019 #1
    NarutoYi

    NarutoYi Fapstronaut

    13
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    I would really appreciate it if you could read my short story and help me.I really need help right now.Please.

    I started watching porn since I was a kid.You guys know, it starts as curiousity and it becomes an addiction.I really feel that the porn addiction wasn’t my fault since I didn’t know about the problems it would bring and I was just a child.

    Three years ago I started a relationship with a girl that I really fell in love with and she is amazing and I love her so much.I continued my relationship with porn not knowing that it was bad and it was cheating and even tho I didn’t want it I just couldn’t stop it.

    A year ago I found NoFap and I noticed what was the problem,I noticed it was an addiction and I commited to forever removing it from my life.Though the journey was hard and I had my relapses,but now I feel like I am stronger than ever and healed.Almost healed if not completely and I am very happy about that.

    The problem starts now.I told my girlfriend about my porn addiction and that I have been mastrubating to porn and staring at other women while in relationship with her.When she heared this she was devastated by that.She felt betrayed,cheated on,she felt like her love faded away,she felt depressed and upset and is calling me a cheater for what I did.She tells me that I never loved her and that I ruined our love.This hurt me so much.I love our relationship and the close bond that we have.I would never cheat her and I don’t wanna lose her.
    I admit that enjoying other girls while in a relationship is cheating.But the reasson that I don’t wanna call myself a cheater is because I never watched porn the same way I did before I started this relationship.I always felt kinda bad and I didn’t want to do it.She says “but still you did it”.
    Yeah i know I did it but I didn’t do it with my conscious will.I would always fight not to enjoy porn and I would always try not to stare at other women.I really fought against it all the time even though I wouldn’t succeed.I never wanted to bang the girl I watched on the porn videos I just enjoyed the sex and I didn’t always prefer beautiful girls.I would enjoy the porn and I was ok with that but I never wanted to enjoy the acctress or other girls even tho I feel like I enjoyed them subconsciously.Even when I stared other girls it would be because of the libido and my brain would just want to view them on a sexualized(porn) way.I wouldn’t look at them to enjoy their beauty like I do with my girl.I have even cought myself watching girls without being aware of it(while thinking about work or something else).It was like a subconscious reflex.Like a subconscious decision that I had no real control over it.It feels like it wasn’t me.I fought against it.It feels like I was made of two persons.Like another person within me with whom I was fighting.It really wasn’t me who enjoyed those girls.
    She tells me “It was you”.”I dont love you anymore after you cheated me”.”If you loved me you wouldn’t have done it.”.And she has decided to leave me.

    This was my story dear people.
    Now I am asking for advice on what to say to my girl.
    I want some words for her.
    Is it real that it wasn’t me who enjoyed those girls?
    Am I a traitor and should she leave me?
    I value every help that you can give and thank you for the time that you shared with me.I really appreciate it.

    I really don’t wanna lose her because I love her with all my heart.If I knew this would happen,I would’ve tied my self not to watch porn while in this relationship.I am in war against porn just like all of you and I send my best wishes to all the warriors out there.Peace.
     
    NarutoYi, Dec 8, 2019
    NarutoYi, Dec 8, 2019
    #1
  2. Dec 8, 2019 #2
    NarutoYi

    NarutoYi Fapstronaut

    13
    7
    3
    I would really appreciate it if you could read my short story and help me.I really need help right now.Please.

    I started watching porn since I was a kid.You guys know, it starts as curiousity and it becomes an addiction.I really feel that the porn addiction wasn’t my fault since I didn’t know about the problems it would bring and I was just a child.

    Three years ago I started a relationship with a girl that I really fell in love with and she is amazing and I love her so much.I continued my relationship with porn not knowing that it was bad and it was cheating and even tho I didn’t want it I just couldn’t stop it.

    A year ago I found NoFap and I noticed what was the problem,I noticed it was an addiction and I commited to forever removing it from my life.Though the journey was hard and I had my relapses,but now I feel like I am stronger than ever and healed.Almost healed if notcompletely and I am very happy about that.

    The problem starts now.I told my girlfriend about my porn addiction and that I have been mastrubating to porn and staring at other women while in relationship with her.When she heared this she was devastated by that.She felt betrayed,cheated on,she felt like her love faded away,she felt depressed and upset and is calling me a cheater for what I did.She tells me that I never loved her and that I ruined our love.This hurt me so much.I love our relationship and the close bond that we have.I would never cheat her and I don’t wanna lose her.
    I admit that enjoying other girls while in a relationship is cheating.But the reasson that I don’t wanna call myself a cheater is because I never watched porn the same way I did before I started this relationship.I always felt kinda bad and I didn’t want to do it.She says “but still you did it”.
    Yeah i know I did it but I didn’t do it with my conscious will.I would always fight not to enjoy porn and I would always try not to stare at other women.I really fought against it all the time even though I wouldn’t succeed.I never wanted to bang the girl I watched on the porn videos I just enjoyed the sex and I didn’t always prefer beautiful girls.I would enjoy the porn and I was ok with that but I never wanted to enjoy the acctress or other girls even tho I feel like I enjoyed them subconsciously.Even when I stared other girls it would be because of the libido and my brain would just want to view them on a sexualized(porn) way.I wouldn’t look at them to enjoy their beauty like I do with my girl.I have even cought myself watching girls without being aware of it(while thinking about work or something else).It was like a subconscious reflex.Like a subconscious decision that I had no real control over it.It feels like it wasn’t me.I fought against it.It feels like I was made of two persons.Like another person within me with whom I was fighting.It really wasn’t me who enjoyed those girls.
    She tells me “It was you”.”I dont love you anymore after you cheated me”.”If you loved me you wouldn’t have done it.”.And she has decided to leave me.

    This was my story dear people.
    Now I am asking for advice on what to say to my girl.
    I want some words for her.
    Is it real that it wasn’t me who enjoyed those girls?
    Am I a traitor and should she leave me?
    I value every help that you can give and thank you for the time that you shared with me.I really appreciate it.

    I really don’t wanna lose her because I love her with all my heart.If I knew this would happen,I would’ve tied my self not to watch porn while in this relationship.I am in war against porn just like all of you and I send my best wishes to all the warriors out there.Peace.
     
    NarutoYi, Dec 8, 2019
    NarutoYi, Dec 8, 2019
    #2
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Dec 8, 2019 #3
    fredisthebes

    fredisthebes Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear this. These are not words that any girl wants to hear, and she has every right to feel betrayed by you.
    I think that rather than try and justify what you did, you should focus on your absolute commitment to defeating your addiction.
     
    fredisthebes, Dec 8, 2019
    fredisthebes, Dec 8, 2019
    #3
    +TenPercent likes this.
  4. Dec 8, 2019 #4
    Fallacious D

    Fallacious D Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    Sounds like she doesn't consider herself to be your gf anymore. But you can try to get her back if you want. I'm not gonna tell you what to say - you need to find your own words. This is the hard lesson that PMO teaches us. Don't let your loss make you turn back to PMO, otherwise this will have all been for nothing.
    ​
    Also, do not try to go to war with porn. Porn will always exist and there will always be addicts. We will never stop it from affecting people the way it has affected us. The real war is with ourselves.​
     
    Fallacious D, Dec 8, 2019
    Fallacious D, Dec 8, 2019
    #4
    +TenPercent likes this.
  5. Dec 8, 2019 #5
    johnmicormick

    johnmicormick Fapstronaut

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    Chill out and give her some space, don’t force anything and don’t get super desperate. If she wants you, she’ll stay with you.
     
    johnmicormick, Dec 8, 2019
    johnmicormick, Dec 8, 2019
    #5
    Boost and mxmn like this.
  6. Dec 9, 2019 #6
    22April-24June

    22April-24June Fapstronaut

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    Don't tell her your sorry show her your sorry overcome your addiction and become a better man dont let this define you. You are better than this. Be patient with her it may take a long time for these wounds to heal but you need to work on yourself first that is and will always be the most important relationship you have. You have to accept that you may never be with her and she may end up with someone else. Be the happiest and best person you can be without her, you cant change what you did but you can change the way you feel on the inside. I would visualise what it would be like to have her back feel the love and gratitude you would feel if she forgave you and took you back, do this daily and dont think about the things you cant change. If you see it in your mind and feel it in your heart you will find that you no longer need her, you will fell like it has already happened and then in the most unexpected way she may take you back but by that point you'll be so happy you may end up wanting and attracting someone else.
    Hope this helps
     
    22April-24June, Dec 9, 2019
    22April-24June, Dec 9, 2019
    #6
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. Dec 29, 2019 #7
    Wolf1988

    Wolf1988 Fapstronaut

    14
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    Hola bro te recomiendo seguir fuerte en contra de PMO y conquistarla de nuevo como la primera cita ser más detallista con ella unas cartas, rosas, regalos y demas enamorarla nuevamente y con más intensidad que la primera vez creo que debe estar molesta por todo pero hablando y volviendo a vivir el amor creo que se pueden mejorar las cosas.

    Mucha suerte y a darle mi hermano.
     
    Wolf1988, Dec 29, 2019
    Wolf1988, Dec 29, 2019
    #7
    +TenPercent likes this.
  8. Dec 30, 2019 #8
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    and here is another proof thaat fapping is unrelated to sexual success. this guy had a gf without doing nofap yet i began fapping when i was 20 and i had gotten rejected plnety of times before. jfl at people thinking fapping is holding you back. its your looks, girls dont give a shit about anything else hahahaha
     
    Deleted Account, Dec 30, 2019
    Deleted Account, Dec 30, 2019
    #8
  9. Jan 1, 2020 #9
    Fallacious D

    Fallacious D Fapstronaut
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    What's your incels.co account name, if I may ask?

    Also, just because some people fap and still get women doesn't mean that fapping doesn't inhibit other people. Fapping basically forgives and rewards isolation.
     
    Fallacious D, Jan 1, 2020
    Fallacious D, Jan 1, 2020
    #9
  10. Jan 1, 2020 #10
    Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

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    Man, I'm sorry to hear this but you have to understand it takes a LOT of maturity and understanding to appreciate THIS addiction, ESPECIALLY on the part of a partner of an addict! While it isn't impossible it is just less likely when you are younger. I don't think there is anything you can magically say to make things okay, just like getting over it isn't done by some magic bullet without consistent work.

    As you pointed out there is the early influence in childhood, which means someone has to have some appreciation of the developmental aspect of our psychology to begin understanding how it can happen and not just frame it as a moral failure. And that's only in terms of a conceptual understanding. Even if someone in your GFs shoes took some psych classes where she was exposed to those concepts the actual life experience, which she will feel is happening to her is not going to be a dry academic understanding.

    I feel even with young romance there is way too much details not communicated for anyone to comprehensively advise you online, we just don't know you or your gf enough and the wrong advice or even the right advice given at the wrong time, or just not specific to the situation at hand can take a wrong turn.

    It may be more a matter of helping YOU not get too depressed and relapse right now, because there may be nothing to do as far as the relationship goes - right now. When I look back to when I was younger and really in it, if I was in a relationship and they found out, yeah I can't say that there's much good reason to get her to stay - UNLESS I am more solid in recovery, which means at that moment there's just the matter of progressing not just in recovery as we typically understand it but psychological maturation in general. So it kind of goes back to working on yourself.
     
    Awedouble, Jan 1, 2020
    Awedouble, Jan 1, 2020
    #10
    NarutoYi likes this.
  11. Jan 1, 2020 #11
    PhantomAssassin

    PhantomAssassin Fapstronaut

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    your story really touched me becouse I had a simillar experience...
    My take on that is really to work on your self and never ever try to convince her with words that you are no more watching P or staring at other girls. Its a struggle you never know when your next relapse is going to be. Just continue fighting for her, I believe that you adore her how she is and you dont need any other girl I belive the addicted side of you wants other girls and not you. Its a matter of time until she sees it. The only thing you may consider explaining to her is maybe that THIS IS A REAL ADDICTION and you need her help, she shouldnt feel betrayed she should support you. Compare P to like smoking ciggarates or drinking alchohol and being addicted to those two. She will probably get it deep inside her but probably wont admit that she gets it. Thats all the advice I can give you and I hope after enough time you two get together
     
    PhantomAssassin, Jan 1, 2020
    PhantomAssassin, Jan 1, 2020
    #11
    Deleted Account and NarutoYi like this.
  12. Jan 1, 2020 #12
    NarutoYi

    NarutoYi Fapstronaut

    13
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    Thank you brother.I really appreciate your answer it made me feel better since it felt like you understand every single thing about me,my addiction and what I really want. It really wasn’t me but it was my addicted part who forced me to do all that.
    We were having a lot of relationship problems and every day I would say I really can’t wait to fix our relationship so I can stop having these stupid things about other girls and porn. I was younger I had no control over them and didn’t know that they were some impulsive thoughts and actions caused by my addicted subconcsious.
    Thank you again brother,I really wish you all the best.
     
    NarutoYi, Jan 1, 2020
    NarutoYi, Jan 1, 2020
    #12
    Washwaverr likes this.
  13. Jan 1, 2020 #13
    100gex

    100gex New Fapstronaut

    3
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    In a VERY similar situation right now.
    Wish you the best!
     
    100gex, Jan 1, 2020
    100gex, Jan 1, 2020
    #13
    NarutoYi likes this.
  14. Jan 2, 2020 #14
    orlando24

    orlando24 New Fapstronaut

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    i wish you all the best.
     
    orlando24, Jan 2, 2020
    orlando24, Jan 2, 2020
    #14
    NarutoYi likes this.
  15. Jan 8, 2020 #15
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    Wait hold on there. Every Fapstronaut is at war with porn. For example, exercising is a way of being at war with porn because while you are trying to get distracted by something else (that is, in this case, exercising), porn is trying to find a way to distract us from exercising.

    I've been going to war with porn and I have been winning, all because of the fact that I am dang serious about beating the hell out of this addiction. If you don't go to war with porn, you will obviously lose. It's like saying that 2 countries go to war but one country immediately drops out or resigns and the other country wins. That's not how it works.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2020
    Deleted Account, Jan 8, 2020
    Deleted Account, Jan 8, 2020
    #15
  16. Jan 8, 2020 #16
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    sounds like she is making this about herself and only herself, and is not considering what you're going through, you explained and she stabbed you in the heart, to me imo she is the one at fault, instead of understanding how hard it was for you, she abandoned her maturity and laid into you like you were some sort of monster.

    when someone stabs you like that, you don't react, you don't take their words on to you, that's going to hurt you more. don't apologize you didn't want this to happen so you have nothing to be sorry for. be strong. you're getting better
     
    Deleted Account, Jan 8, 2020
    Deleted Account, Jan 8, 2020
    #16
    Washwaverr, NarutoYi and Deleted Account like this.
  17. Jan 9, 2020 #17
    Fallacious D

    Fallacious D Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    I think there is a semantic misunderstanding here. You can fight porn addiction and win, as many have done after coming to NoFap. But porn itself is a direct product of male biology, which will never change. As long as men are constantly horny, and as long as we can make money from sex videos, porn will always exist. But yes, I encourage everyone to fight their porn addiction, which is an individual thing. That can certainly be overcome.
     
    Fallacious D, Jan 9, 2020
    Fallacious D, Jan 9, 2020
    #17
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. Jan 9, 2020 #18
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    It's the way you worded it the first time that I didn't completely agree with.
    But now, I do agree with this. Sorry for the misunderstanding as well.
     
    Deleted Account, Jan 9, 2020
    Deleted Account, Jan 9, 2020
    #18

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