My girlfriend is really hurt, looking for advice especially from the women in here please?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by AT91, Apr 11, 2017.

  1. He says he has. He is on this forum too (@slb). When you read his posts (not many so far), you can probably tell he has a lot of issues really opening up. We have a long way of recovery ahead of us, as this journey is very new for both of us. I think his motivation at the moment is more fueled by a fear of losing me than by a desire to get healthy for himself, but I hope that will change... for his sake.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  2. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I hope that changes too I think to truly recover he needs to want it for himself and recognize how harmful it is to him. If they are doing it just for us some become resentful towards us because they feel as if we are the reason they are stopping. My partner starting acting out in other ways towards me because he felt that way. Or they start saying it's her not the PMO she's just being a prude or unreasonable some other partner will be okay with this but it's all the addiction talking. Oftentimes addicts particularly in early recovery are not very kind to those around them. You have taken their coping mechanism and now they have actual feelings. For some though the threat of losing a woman they love is enough for them to fully stop. Even if they initially do it just for you as time goes on they will see. My partner also was very closed off emotionally and he was raised in a culture where sex was very taboo .
     
  3. @GG2002 , I touched bottom. I was super depressed and my self esteem down under. I felt my life had no meaning, no value. My mind was completely taken over by addition to PMO and male escorts. I did very promiscuous and humilliating things which I am not proud of.
    I did not know that I was a PMO addict, believe it or not, until I saw a YouTube video about porn addiction. I recommend you to watch it, is a Ted Talk Glasgow by Gary Wilson
    He explains how our addicted brain works. It may help you understand that nothing your husband did was in purpose . It is how our brain works. I mean, I do not want to use this as an excuse . I understand now how my wife suffered a lot and I feel guilty. But I was blind then, could not think clearly
    You know you are doing something wrong but you cannot avoid it. Every time I ended a PMO " session " I felt like shit, sad and depressed. But two hours later I wanted to do it again
    This will be a long road of discovery for your husband. There may be deeper reasons why he got addicted. We try to hide things behind the addiction
    In my case, I remembered after several months of reboot , when my brain started clearing up, that I was sexually abused when I was 10 in the school restroom by older kids. Believe it or not my brain manages to hide the trauma hiding behind PMO and escorts during 30 years, to avoid coping with the big pain and guilt I felt ( yes, I felt guilty , as many victims of sexual abuse ).
    How our brain can do these type of things ? I do not know , but it probably helped me to cope with the humiliation and stay alive
    Anyway, I just wnat e to explain you that he did not do anything on purpose , although you have all the right to feel betrayed as you feel
    It will require a lot of effort ( and love) for both to heal
    Good luck with this
    Fercho
     
    samnf1990 likes this.
  4. @GG2002 , I touched bottom. I was super depressed and my self esteem down under. I felt my life had no meaning, no value. My mind was completely taken over by addition to PMO and male escorts. I did very promiscuous and humilliating things which I am not proud of.
    I did not know that I was a PMO addict, believe it or not, until I saw a YouTube video about porn addiction. I recommend you to watch it, is a Ted Talk Glasgow by Gary Wilson
    He explains how our addicted brain works. It may help you understand that nothing your husband did was in purpose . It is how our brain works. I mean, I do not want to use this as an excuse . I understand now how my wife suffered a lot and I feel guilty. But I was blind then, could not think clearly
    You know you are doing something wrong but you cannot avoid it. Every time I ended a PMO " session " I felt like shit, sad and depressed. But two hours later I wanted to do it again
    This will be a long road of discovery for your husband. There may be deeper reasons why he got addicted. We try to hide things behind the addiction
    In my case, I remembered after several months of reboot , when my brain started clearing up, that I was sexually abused when I was 10 in the school restroom by older kids. Believe it or not my brain manages to hide the trauma hiding behind PMO and escorts during 30 years, to avoid coping with the big pain and guilt I felt ( yes, I felt guilty , as many victims of sexual abuse ).
    How our brain can do these type of things ? I do not know , but it probably helped me to cope with the humiliation and stay alive
    Anyway, I just wnat e to explain you that he did not do anything on purpose , although you have all the right to feel betrayed as you feel
    It will require a lot of effort ( and love) for both to heal
    Good luck with this
    Fercho
     
    Hopefulgirl and GG2002 like this.
  5. Mumm Ra

    Mumm Ra Fapstronaut

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    First off, insanely powerful post. I have recently begun writing in a pen-and-paper journal as many past experiences with PMO as I can remember. Not to relive them, but in hopes of better understanding why I became addicted to something so useless and that has been so hurtful in my relationship with my wife. It has been both a cathartic experience and incredibly enlightening, but I keep having this nagging thought that I may have suppressed something in my childhood I am still unaware of. It may be the skeptic in me, but what I have uncovered so far doesn't seem like enough to explain my addiction.

    When talking about my addiction with my wife, and my most recent relapse and binge, what has become extremely clear now is how much my PMO addiction has hurt her. She has said many of the things the SO's on this thread have said, especially regarding how my addiction has led to her feeling insecure about herself. I understand where she is coming from, I really do, but I also want her to know that my addiction and my actions due to it are not because of her in any way. I have not and do not engage in PMO because she is not attractive enough or 'good enough' in bed or anything like that, and I want her to know that so she can heal from this as well. At the same time, I don't want to make it sound like my addiction to dopamine hits that I get from pornography is not my fault, or try to excuse myself of my actions.

    I guess I'm wondering, and this is for anyone who reads this and has experience with it, how I go about this in a honest but delicate way? Understanding my addiction has helped me recover from this, and I would think that it would help her as well too, but I don't want to assume anything and do more harm than good.
     
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  6. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Wow!!! You described how I feel!
     
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  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am a SA and I recognize that porn addiction has nothing to do with me or how I look or even with sex for that matter. My partner told me he was attracted to me that the pmo had nothing to do with me etc. I did not think he was trying to not accept blame not at all. I had done my research and I understood but it does not matter. What I'm saying is that I objectively understand it's an addiction but you can tell me that everyday forever and I will still think it's because I'm not attractive enough or good enough in bed or whatever it may be and I suspect your SA will feel the same. When you are not interested in sex, when you don't initiate when you turn us down. When you can't get it up for us or O with us but can with porn well. I guess what I'm saying is that you should educate her and let her read these on her own. But don't expect that knowing that will lessen her pain or insecurities it won't. The only thing you can do is stop it and never look back. With time eventually she will likely feel less and less pain but she won't ever be or feel the same you can't fix some damage 100 percent .
     
  8. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I totally believe you had no idea you had an addiction or that it was an addiction. We were the same, neither myself or my partner had ever heard of such a thing before. I was always very porn and MO positive, until I met someone who could not perform in bed and starting to look for reasons. I think a big part of this whole thing is that the addict needs to understand and recognize the harm that his use is causing to the relationship, his SO and most importantly himself. My SO seems to be unable to get there. While he appears to have stopped,he is angry about it, and he continues to blame me. I think he thinks other women would be fine with this, but we all know this is not true. While I agree rock bottom is different for everyone I think the true start to recovery is recognizing that this is something you need to do. And whil I recognize that addiction may not be a choice, continuing to be in the addiction and not seeking help is a choice. It is very frustrating to read all of these stories on here of men writing it (some women) saying what do I do? My partner is so hurt? How can I fix this? Then the men saying my partner left me I don't understand, I only relapsed every week, I only lied to her everyday, she needs to understand what can I do? Truly there is one answer,just friggin stop it. And even though it is a hard choice for many it is still a choice.
     
  9. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Disclaimer: I'm replying to you without reading the other responses so apologies if I repeat any advice already given.

    The first point is that you cannot decide whether someone is right to feel betrayed. Your SO feels betrayed, and so you have to do what is needed to put it right. You cannot change the past, so moving forward, resolve to cut pmo out of your life.

    You may not think of yourself as preferring PMO to sex, but if you are PMOing regularly to supplement your diet of sex with your SO, you will be missing out on sex and having less of it. You may think of your partner as having a lower drive than you, but if you do away with all pmo, I can almost guarantee that even with the times your advances are rejected, you will have sex more often together than now. If your SO is not in the mood in the morning, rather than choosing to M, be the best partner you can be for the rest of the day, and when it is convenient or more appealing to her, try again. If you had already got your kicks from pmo, you wouldn't be bothering to do that. Women are often better at doing the whole delayed gratification thing and will sometimes want to just sleep, have breakfast, get to work on time without having to worry they might be late, finish errands etc before having sex. It doesn't mean they won't want sex later.

    Working long hours: if you have time for porn you have time for sex with your SO.

    In regards to cheating-now you know her views on it, you need to cut out the P. Perhaps it wasn't cheating before. It will be from now, since she has told you how she thinks of it.

    About the body consciousness-your SO needs reassurance that she is all you want and all you need. It is hard to get this message across if every day there is another woman that you are Ming to that isn't her. Just think about that. P may have been your normal and ubiquitous in your friendship groups etc, but there really is no wonder why a lot of women are so insulted and upset when they discover their partners use it. Show your SO how much you love her body. Take the time to relax her and make her feel confident and wanted. Not just in foreplay but in how you interact every day throughout the day.

    Final point-your SO has made it very clear what she wants: no P. I would also reccomend no solo M at all as this would still be seen as something you choose over her. The no P thing is so very simple. Perhaps it will be difficult, but easy in terms of just don't use P. Stay active on this forum. Visit it every time you feel you might relapse.

    Good luck.
     
  10. AT91

    AT91 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, sorry I haven't logged in to reply for a while. I had a good talk with her the day after I posted this, and we're all good now. I haven't watched anything since.

    I apologised and explained all that I said above, and then I just gave her some space. I think it helped her relax about it a little when she spoke to friends and family about it and they all pretty much didn't see porn as a big deal - of course we still see it as a bad thing. I told her that all I can do is stop and that she'll have to trust me. Although I was apologetic about it and understanding about the way she felt, I also wanted to avoid becoming a people-pleaser as @novibe put it so I decided to stop talking about it and let my actions speak instead.

    Since stopping my sex drive increased, and I read elsewhere that the best way to get over porn addiction is basically more sex with your partner, so that's what we did - no complaints from her either on that point lol. In fact if anything our sex life got a lot better.
     
  11. I will win

    I will win Fapstronaut

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    Just show her your account on nofap and she will be completely relaxed as she will understand that you propose to quit this filthy addiction.
     
  12. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Get yourself a counter. Come on here every time your urges are strong, see your counter number getting bigger and read the threads, until your desire to PMO morphs into pride and resolve about what you have chosen to do, cutting P out of your life for good.
     
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  13. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Oh and another thing to keep in mind for when the "well nobody else including her friends and family see P as a big deal" thoughts rear their ugly head and try to get you to give in and PMO, just remember that you are not in a relationship with any of these other people, regardless of whether they are a majority. If your SO has expressed that she feels betrayed by your P use, then you are self-sabotaging your relationship every time you choose to PMO.
     
  14. AT91

    AT91 Fapstronaut

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    I don't feel as strongly about it that I need to do that and while I doubt that it did me any good watching it I don't think that I was as badly affected or addicted as many people seem to be. In fact after her talking to her friends she found that quite a few of their boyfriends really are addicted, as in they'll often go and mastuerbate to porn rather than have sex despite saying that they want to stop. It never was like that for me and I don't get it, I'd always prefer sex over porn so it wasn't as huge of a deal for me to give up as for those guys. There are many reasons I decided to stop watching porn anyway.
     

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