My girlfriend just broke up with me.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Lukaghand, Nov 23, 2019.

  1. Suk

    Suk Fapstronaut

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    Don't be sad, your a winner, you didn't give up!!...fuel up with the hate you have for porn, the love and support your wife gives you and your own will power that no matter what happens you won't relapse. It's never gonna be easy, it's always gonne be really difficult but that's how you can prove to your wife that you love her the most in the world. I wish you the best Sir! Stay strong!
     
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  2. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry that your heart is in shambles right now. :( I hope that you can make the changes that you need to make so that you can repair it and your girlfriend's heart as well.


    This is all very difficult, isn't it? :( I can see your rationalization here when you say "The frequency was SO much fewer than it ever has been, every week or two weeks." Does how often you use porn really matter? Was that supposed to make her feel better? It's an addiction so how often you use it isn't really the crux of the issue, in my opinion. It's amazing what we can tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better. I think maybe you could read up on what your addiction has done to change your brain and (if you can reach out to her) maybe get your girlfriend to watch or read something about it as well. I didn't understand porn addiction at all until my husband and I watched some videos (Your brain on porn was one) and read some other things about it. If anything else it might just help your girlfriend see that it wasn't anything that she was doing wrong that you kept "falling off the wagon." or that you "can orgasm for these digital people, and not her." I gotta tell you that would be really hard to not take personally and would feel pretty devastating. Sex should bring two people together, not make them feel as though they are further apart... :(

    If you love your girlfriend, and I don't have any reason to doubt that you do, then I think you probably would agree that you want to be the best version of yourself that you can be for her. Think about who that man is..don't you BOTH deserve that? Because I don't think you want to experience the spiraling downward into deeper and more serious issues that so many people on these boards have. Say that your girlfriend isn't the one for you..okay, you think the next woman that you come across is going to feel much different about any of this? Try to work on you for you, but also for your future girlfriend or wife, whoever that might be. The very fact that you recognize that you have a problem is a wonderful first step.

    :)
     
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  3. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

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    I think this is, perhaps, an interesting point of confusion of the word respect and its possible meanings with regards to how it pertains to relationships. The dictionary defines respect as a noun:1. "a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.", also as a noun, 2."due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others." and finally as a verb 3."admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements." The synonyms are "consideration, thoughtfulness, attentiveness and politeness". I'm not sure how you personally define respect but I would probably say the second definition most closely matches my own feelings about the word, as well as the highlighted synonyms.

    I can recall with perfect clarity what I said to @Browns4life about this topic. We were discussing his addiction (this was maybe a week or so into him quitting for good) and he said something to the affect of "You're not going to leave me, right?". I opened my mouth to say "Of course not", but what came out instead was the truth. I said I can't be in a relationship where I'm not respected and also where I don't trust him to be honest with me about his addiction. Using porn to masturbate to so you can numb yourself for all of the feelings that you just don't want to feel, while understandable, is not respectful to me as his wife and partner. I can't see it any other way. I can see that there was no intent on his part to hurt me or to not respect me, but we all know what our intentions can lead us to.

    I did a simple google search. I typed in "trust and respect" and this is what comes up:

    "Respect requires the person to garner a feeling of awe for the person that he/she respects. Trust and respect are two different words that often go hand-in-hand. For a person to trust someone you need to respect them, while respecting someone also demands for trusting them."
    No respect=No trust. No trust= a relationship I don't want any part of.. Fortunately, B4L understood what I meant and agreed with me that his actions were not respectful and that he could see how they would lead me to mistrust him. Obviously hiding a huge part of yourself from your partner is going to lead them to not trust you, along with hiding a problem you are having and maybe not trusting your partner to help you with that problem, for whatever reason.

    You've also said several times on different threads that you feel that porn addiction is cheating.
    I am not sure I agree with you that porn addiction is is in fact cheating... but I can argue the semantics of that some other time. It's something for me to ponder over though. My point in bringing that up is, if you believe that porn addiction is cheating and that your husband is a porn addict, then how is he not being disrespectful to you?

    I wish I could remember who wrote this on nofap, but it was an SO of a PA,obviously, and she said:

    "It hit me with a massive wave of nausea (and again as I type this) that my husband is an actual legitimate addict. An addict of other women. An addict of utilizing other women for his sexual desires and needs."

    When I read that it really helped me to see what was going on and it helped separate the addiction from my husband in my mind. It also royally pissed me off because it was true and it hurt my feelings all over again, but it was important to read it and a reminder that this is an addiction. That can be easy to forget sometimes.

    B4L and I working very hard on the whole trust/respect part of our relationship. I believe that you really can't have one without the other. I know we can beat this because we will work on it and also because we know what is at stake if we don't.



     
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  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I think it’s means different things for different people? Just as they say without trust you can’t love someone? I don’t trust my husband when it comes to porn but I do love him. I have never felt disrespected by my husband. Is lying disrespectful, yes I would agree it is. Maybe I’ve compartmentalized that part of our relationship, just as cheating doesn’t show love and yet he does many things to show me love. Maybe disrespectful as a sexual partner but not as a friend? I mean I totally get what you’re saying, I just don’t feel it. The reason I feel porn is cheating wasn’t because he was looking at porn, lol, I like porn, if it didn’t replace me I don’t know if I’d have a huge problem with it. I honestly feel now, after 27 years, that a one time affair in real life would’ve been easier to get past. It’s that porn takes his sexual energy and relegates me to just a best friend.
     
  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    You really got me thinking on that one. I’m going to ask my csat why she thinks this might be. We’ve already discussed why porn doesn’t repulse me the way it does so many other women.
     
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  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I too used to look at trust this way. I told my counselor that I didn’t trust him. Then the counselor pointed out that I did actually trust him, just not about porn. Interesting concept .... I trust my husband not to spend a dime without checking with me. Enough that I quit a $60,000 a year job to be solely dependent on him. I trust my husband with my kids, I trust him not to talk poorly of me behind my back, I absolutely know he would risk his life and die for me and our kids. Literally the only thing I don’t trust him with is porn. Honestly I had never looked at it that way. Because he’s never broken my trust in any other area.
     
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  7. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    It seems like it should be the other way around!
    How do you satisfy your libido?
    My gf and I are both around 40 and I’m sure her libido is twice mine as well.
    I try to give her orgasms but then she feels very inbalanced if I’m not having orgasms as well. Yet avoiding all orgasms (when I was single, before I met her) is what helped me get over my porn addiction most.
    How do both find balance if you have the libido and he has the addiction??
     
  8. Demodectic

    Demodectic Fapstronaut

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    Your response is EXACTLY why porn addicts are FORCED to lie about it. Because women like you judge them so harshly and will leave the guy. You even admit it yourself that you would advise his gf to leave him if you had a chance to talk to her. So its no wonder men have to cover it up and lie and its because females CANT HANDLE IT and they make it out to be something that it is not. If a guy daydreamed about robbing a bank should be be arrested for "conspiracy to rob a bank"? Because you say "digital harem" and just because a guy jerks off to porn it does not mean he is unfaithful. If he goes to a prostitute then THAT would be cheating. If he goes to strip club and get a lap dance THAT would be cheating. If he hooks up with an ACTUAL woman at a bar then THAT would be cheating. But to jerk off to PornHub video is not cheating. It is make-believe.

    If someone dresses up like Jason Friday the 13th hockey mask on Halloween it is MAKE-BELIEVE. It doenst mean they are a murderer or are planning to murder anyone. THIS is what women simply cannot comprehend. And that is why men must lie, lie, lie and conceal it. Because if they dont then the female CANNOT HANDLE IT and will divorce them/ abandon them.
     
  9. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    Sorry, but I totally disagree.
    Looking at porn and masturbating IS cheating.
    A relationship is about trust as well as emotional and physical connection. Addicts lie. They are too wrapped up in their addiction to be present for their partners. That affects all aspects of the relationship.
    Men, as well as women, should save all of their sexual energy for their partners. PMO will steal all of that energy.
    A porn addict may not be getting mixed up with other people and they may not risk STI’s, but they are doing just as much harm to their partner if not more because of this kind of rationalization that addicts hide behind.
     
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  10. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    This entire post is wrong.
     
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  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Exactly this. I had no problem with porn per se. addicts lie pretty much from the get go. My husband kept it secret for 5 years. The reason I say run, we went to counseling for 3 years, with him basically white knuckling ( since porn addict was not a thing), I got pregnant , he continued to relapse and lie, lie, lie. Now I had kids and no choice, as I would not give up 50 % of my kids lives. So here I am 27 years later. I stayed married, my children are the only reason it was worth it. My husband rejected me throw out our marriage in favor of jacking off to porn ... if that’s not cheating I don’t know what is. Sexual energy given to someone else, lies, gaslighting, hiding? You lie to protect your addiction. I didn’t leave when I found out, very few wives leave in the beginnings. It’s usually years later.
     
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  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I was frustrated, almost constantly. I was angry. So I completely detached, i refused to masturbate because I sincerely felt that that was stealing from my husband. So, i do CrossFit, I road bike, I take care and ride horses. I bought a puppy to show a few years ago. My husband is almost s year clean now. It’s kinda amazing, because he no longer has pied, he’s like a totally different person. He initiates sex ( he rarely did this before). When he’s struggling he talks to me and we abstain until he feels like he’s got it back in control. I coujd go on and on about the differences in him...
     
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  13. Demodectic

    Demodectic Fapstronaut

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    Your arguments of persuasion would leave Socrates deeply unsatisfied. But think whatever you want to think. My girl would never even know I jerk off because I dont ever get caught. And i am smart enough to never mention it because most women are going to over-react same as @Psalm27:1my light has demonstrated. She is a textbook example of woman "going off the rails" about a man;s inate need to masturbate. Females do not understand male psychology and physiology. They dont understand that God made us this way and that we dont choose to "get horny". It is a byproduct of testosterone.

    But not just about mastub but there are many things a man should keep a woman "in the dark" about and it is for her own good. And those long 50+ year marriages its because the man has kept his secrets. Not that I would ever be stupid enough to get married or to have babies in the first place..... But whatever. Let other men have that ball and chain on their ankle.
     
  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, how dare I expect my husband to bring his sexual energy to me, or god forbid be freaking honest. Been with him 33 years, would’ve loved to have sex every damn day, but I was robbed of that because of his porn addiction. Glad you’re not stupid enough to get married!
     
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  15. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

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    I'm happy to have given you something to think about. Lol. :) I'm sure a lot of this comes down to differing opinions on what words mean to us but it's a good topic to explore. I, myself, have been thinking about whether or not porn addiction is really cheating. I don't know that I've come up with my answer yet.
     
  16. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

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    Do you think that men in homosexual relationships don't have this issue then? I haven't been on nofap for very long but I did see at least one gentlemen discussing how his male partner was upset about his porn addiction. I wonder what your thoughts are on this? Are men just way better at compartmentalizing? I wouldn't disagree with you if you said yes to that.

    I think that everyone is entitled to their opinions on this topic, and I can see both sides. I'm interested in your opinion because of what you wrote that constitutes cheating to you. I suppose someone could argue that sex with a prostitute is make believe, given the fact that they are pretending to be interested in sex with the person going to them, when they are really only interested in their money. I'm not sure I would even agree with the lap dance thing being cheating...but of course, you are free to believe however you want on the subject of cheating.

    I think your last two lines are a great over simplification of a difficult problem that I see many couples handle, in a variety of ways. Obviously, when someone in a relationship feels lied to or disrespected, if the other person still loves the injured party, I think most people would feel that it's reasonable that they do what they could to make it right. I have no intention of ever divorcing my husband or abandoning him but I admit that I have days where I feel very hurt and overwhelmed with having to deal with this addiction. Him telling me he has a porn addiction and discovering that porn addiction is a real thing was hard to accept. Should I not feel badly about it? Should I not feel like I might not be able to "HANDLE IT" some days? I mean, I think most days I can handle it just fine, but like everybody else, I'm human and don't always handle my feelings being hurt very well, even though I try.

    Anyway, everything is SO individual to each person and each couple, that I think it's up to the people in the relationship to define what porn addiction means to them, as far as it being cheating or not. For me, I think of it as something separate from my husband, or at the very least I try hard to see it that way. He's a wonderful man, who had this problem long before he met me. I'm just happy that I can be there for him now and hopefully help us both heal and grow even closer. :)
     
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  17. Demodectic

    Demodectic Fapstronaut

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    masturbation is not infidelity. it is only a person's ego that feels offended to learn that their partner has been fantasizing about a 3rd person. that is the main reason a wife gets so offended to learn their husband has been fapping and watching OTHER WOMEN and getting off. but like i said, it is just fantasy. Is day-dreaming a crime too?

    women take it so PERSONAL that hubby is watching porn video of some hussy that is having sex with 2 men. but husband would never ask wife (who he truly loves) to act out such perverted conduct and so therefore he watches these fantasy videos. but it is wife's ego and insecurity feeling she has to be THE ONE that gratifies all of husband's sexual desires but women cant comprehend that men are "driven" to be aroused by variety., So you see no 1 woman can be skinny and fat at same time, she cant be a fat black girl and a small chinese girl. no one woman can fulfill this thirst for variety that is programmed into the male DNA.

    so that is why man watches porn and jerks off. that and also because wife is not in the mood for sex so what do they exp[ect husband to do? thats like saying "go to bed tonight hungry, my husband, because i am not in the mood to cook dinner.
     
  18. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Nope... never once have I said no to my husband. He was the one saying no because he jerked off. My libido has always been far higher. Many women married to porn addicts know what it’s like to starve for sexual connection.
     
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  19. Browns4life

    Browns4life Fapstronaut

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    I agree, @GID2020 and I had a good sex life, even through addiction. My addiction existed long before I met @GID2020. Men do not become addicted to porn or NEED to PMO because their partner says no.
     
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  20. GID2020

    GID2020 Fapstronaut

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    I don't think anyone said that just masturbation is infidelity. :confused: If you read anything I've written (and it appears you have not) you would see that I had no clear opinion on whether PMO was cheating,infidelity or anything of that sort.

    I have to believe that you are not in a committed relationship at the moment and maybe have never been in a serious relationship with someone that you love. I could, of course, be wrong but you don't write as though you understand what a real commitment means to both people in a relationship. When you trust someone with your heart, you hope/expect that they will take care of it, and when they don't,it's not your ego that is hurt.

    I think you are mistaken about the difference between a healthy fantasy and a real addiction. I have to wonder why you are on nofap in the first place? Do you not see your addiction as a problem that needs resolved? If not, then this would be an odd place for you to be, around recovering addicts. This forum is for people who want to talk about rebooting their brains away from their porn addictions while they are still in a relationship. So, it stands to reason that there will be women on here who will try to give their perspective to PA's from a SO point of view. Your blanket statements don't do anyone, least of all yourself, any favors. If you like Star wars then the line "Only a sith deals in absolutes" should have a ring of truth to you.

    I think that all people are individuals and don't all think and act the same way. (ie, Psalm and I are both women and have different opinions about what constitutes cheating) You seem to enjoy labeling all women as being a certain way. You probably won't get far into a real relationship if that habit continues.

    I understand very well that men are "driven" to be aroused by variety. Do you understand that we live in a society? Lol. You don't do other men any favors by basically describing them as only being able to think with their penises and having no idea of societal norms.

    I'm very sorry if your experience with women has lead you to believe that we all think and feel the same things about certain topics. As you can see from this thread; Psalm is a woman and she and I had a nice, polite back and forth, where we did not agree, but still managed to be civil and respect that we have a difference of opinion. If you do eventually want to have a long term relationship with a woman you might want to get out of your head the notion that we all think, feel and act the same way. I do not think that all men feel the same way that you do about porn addiction and in fact I have evidence of that from this very thread.

    I don't even know where to start with that analogy.. It makes no sense. Lol

    Btw, I suppose I won't ever get an answer to how you feel gay men would react to their partner using porn? That's a shame, as I was looking forward to your answer.
     

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