My girlfriend said some things that I'm not sure how to feel about

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by raspberrytea, Aug 5, 2019.

  1. raspberrytea

    raspberrytea Fapstronaut

    So my girlfriend and I were talking and she just casually mentioned how she was not attracted to me when she first met me. I thought that it was a rather odd comment and after talking some more she tried to say that attracted and attractive are two different words that mean different things. Basically saying you can find someone attractive without being attracted to someone. Okay, that's all fine and checks out but here is the thing...

    She said when she first met me she didn't find me "attractive"

    I never would consider myself a 10 but holy crap what guy wants to hear that their girlfriend doesn't find them attractive.

    And it just kept getting worse and worse... She kept trying to clarify and kept saying things that made me feel worse about the whole thing.

    She said she finds one of her other friends attractive but isn't attracted to them. Okay... But you just told me you didn't find me attractive at first. She then tried to say some crap about how she doesn't just look at people she meets and find them attractive. She basically said she was to know a person and be attracted to find them attractive.

    Then she said crap that basically tells that was a lie...

    At one point she even said that when she met one of my friends she did think that he was attractive... Like comeon so you don't find people attractive when you first meet them, but that was the exact thought you had when you met my friend. On top of that, you also said that your other friend is attractive.

    she could say her other friend was attractive but wasn't attracted to them. That's all fine, sweet you are "attracted" to me great, but I'm not "attractive"?? really??? After that she said, in a kinda passive-aggressive way, "what did you just expect my first thought when I met you to be wow he's hot" I'm over here thinking well no, but it would be nice if you hadn't just told me that was the reaction you had when you first met my friend.

    Anyways to top it all off she said something along the lines of there will always be someone better looking, better blah, better blah, etc... than you, you just have to get over it.

    Okay, I get it. Maybe it is true but that doesn't mean you have to tell your significant other that! Like what the hell!

    TL;DR- girlfriend said she didn't find me attractive at first. Then said she finds her other friend and my friend attractive. WTF!!!
    need4realchg, Asgardian36 and PeterJL like this.
  2. rob13_

    rob13_ Fapstronaut

    This ain't the one to settle down with chief
  3. That has to be rough to hear.
  4. Hros

    Hros Fapstronaut

    I don't see what's wrong about that. Relationships are about so much more than looks. You'd be surprised, but in some circles people go out without that original attraction, and as they get to know each other, they find that they do like how the other looks. What changed? Once you get to know a person and like their personality, your brain eventually wraps itself also around how they look.
    NitricOxide likes this.
  5. Yo! Calm the f**k down...
    Yes, it is not the best thing to say but she didnt want to hurt you. She tried to explain it to you multiple times. She likes you for being you. And accept the fact that you and her are looking good for each other BUT of course there are people who look better. If you can't accept the fact that she likes you for you and not just your appearance then have fun ruining your relatioship! I got a female best friend which looked better than my ex. But was I attracted to her ? No. Its just that simple.
    If you go on overthinking and keep digging you will dig deep enough to find a treasure full of shit :)
  6. Ugh, I know exactly tlt how this feels, honestly.

    It's possible the above advice about her not being the one to settle down with is true, but it's also possible that you need to work through this, accept it, and focus on what you have now.

    My husband basically told me this same thing when we were engaged. Well, not exactly that he didn't find me attractive, but that he wasn't as into me and didn't love me as much as I loved him. That was extremely hard to hear, especially because I've had that experience in the past as well. I broke up with my first boyfriend because I told him "I think I like you a lot more than you like me" and he said "yeah, I think you're right."

    So the thing is, with my ex boyfriend, breaking up was the right choice. With my husband (fiance at the time), it wasn't the right choice. We still got married, and 6 years into marriage I could not be happier.

    We've had some really tough times, including times when I haven't felt loved because of this very issue. But now, all of that is totally in the past and I don't care about it at all. It might sting a little to think about, but honestly, it doesn't matter to me, because right now, today, I know for a fact that my husband thinks I'm super beautiful and he loves me more today than he ever has before. I have seen his love for me grow and deepen and become stronger and stronger over the years, and I feel SO loved by him now.

    I know that might not make it easy to hear something like that from your girlfriend. But I think the more important thing to ask is whether she is attracted to you and finds you attractive now. As much as it might sting a little, it doesn't really matter that much what she thought of you initially, if she feels differently right now.

    When it comes to physical attraction, I also think it's good to keep perspective. Because honestly, I think I'm pretty attractive, but I also think some of my friends are way more attractive than me. Of course I wouldn't want my husband to tell me he thinks that too, but if he did think that, I wouldn't really blame him. I think some of his friends are more physically attractive than him. Obviously your girlfriend shouldn't have said that to you, though. I don't know why she would think that's a good thing to say. I think you'd be wise to tell her that hurt your feelings, and that even if she thinks those things, it's not very nice to hear.

    Anyway, sorry that happened man :/ that's rough. I hope everything works out in the end. Make sure you're clear on what she thinks of you now, and focus on that.
  7. That seems a little harsh. He's understandably hurt. Your advice is good, but maybe have a little compassion.
    White Sheep and Deleted Account like this.
  8. Reminds me of a beautiful quote from Doctor Who

  9. I know... ^^" it pisses me off when I see people.doing the same mistakes as I did... thats one of my biggest weakness.
  10. How to fall in love with someone 101

    Thank you... I will keep that in my mind :)
    Deleted Account likes this.
  11. You are right. Maybe I shouldn't be that harsh to him ^^"
  12. I definitly agree on your thoughts. But sometimes if you dig too deep you dig your own grave. I experienced something similar... I just don't want him to do the same mistakes as I did. ^^"
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. That’s a rough thing to hear. I get some of what she’s saying when it comes to attractive and attracted but I don’t understand why she felt the need to say that to you. I don’t think she was trying to hurt you but it’s clear she didn’t see the stupidly in thinking she could say that to someone she’s in a relationship with and expect to just explain it away. I mean if the situation was reversed she probably would have felt like shit too.

    I can say I’ve felt what your GF has felt towards someone but I didn’t tell them it because I knew they wouldn’t take it the right way. I remember one girl I didn’t think initially was attractive but then as I got to know her more she became attractive; I can’t explain why it worked like that but it did. On the flip side of that there was a girl I thought was drop dead gorgeous when I first met her but as I got to know her more she became really ugly to me; to the point I couldn’t stand looking at her. Maybe you can ask her if she finds you attractive now? Maybe that’s what’s she’s trying to say but just sucked at articulating her view that she does, right now, find you attractive.

    Anyway, I think this situation presents an opportunity for communication between you two. I’m not going to tell you to breakup with her or to stay with her. I don’t think that’s any of our business or place.
    Deleted Account and Lilla_My like this.
  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry to hear that she used those unfortunate set of words, but what I think she means is that some people are objectively attractive (good looking) without evoking any further feelings. As a woman, I can see men that are good looking but there is no more to it. I couldn't fall in love with them, ever.

    It has happened that I have met people that I didn't initially find attractive, but after getting to know them, I find something irresistible about them. It's often about meeting people in the "wrong state of mind", when you are not mentally "open" to get to know someone.

    Like one time I was at some sort of event with a female friend. We saw a man that looked absolutely ridiculous, with extremely curly mullet hair, bad clothing and eyes so blue they almost looked scary. Needless to say, he wasn't my type at all, and not my friends type either. I remember we made some snide comment about him (I don't know why, but we were both annoyed over something else entirely). Something about him was just revolting, or rather, we projected some bad feeling onto him.

    Well, the room we were in was crowded to the brim and there was nowhere to sit. The curly guy approached us and I remember cringing. To this day, I don't remember what he said, but he spoke to us with the utmost respect and gentleness. He took chairs to us to sit. His face, at first so ugly, shone of kindness. I was stunned, mesmerized, overtaken by his beauty. My friend and I were both speechless.

    Two months after that day, we received the news that he had fell down an empty elevator shaft and been pronounced dead at the scene. I think about him from time to time.

    Being attracted to someone is something that goes slightly beyond looks and into the mysterious, the unexplainable. I think that's what your girlfriend tried to say.
  15. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    I said something similar to my ex-girlfriend once, she is my ex-girlfriend now. In my defense, it wasn't true, I was just angry and wanted to hurt someone.

    That makes it worse.

    The thing is that, she might have said that but probably it wasn't what she meant. Maybe she wanted to tell you that you managed to win her over with more than just looks or something like that.

    When I first met my ex-girlfriend I thought she was just nice and that was it, a year later she was the most beautiful women in existance to me. Have that in mind, she chose you and not your "attractive" friend.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Hmmmm... I think it's better this way. We all get old, lose our looks some day. Better to have something else going on.
  17. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

    My wife told me she was immediately attracted to
    Me when we first met. She couldn’t keep her hands off me. Now 46 years later you’d never know that was true. Lol!
    need4realchg and Deleted Account like this.
  18. That plot twist...
    I believe that it happend but damn that came out of nowhere
    need4realchg likes this.
  19. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Hey, and what made you overcome this feeling?
    Deleted Account likes this.
  20. It took some time. But as I said, I focused on how things are now, not how they were when we first got together. I personally believe God brought us together, and I think there was a part of my husband that decided to marry me for logical, practical reasons, because he was a bit older and tired of waiting and knew I would be a good wife. But I know we are great together, and now things aren't like that at all. Our love for each other has grown and deepened a lot. I know he is absolutely crazy about me now, and he tells me all the time all of the things he loves and admires about me and his special I am to him.

    I don't know if every woman would have stuck it out through all the hard times we've had, and honestly, there were a couple times when I wasn't sure if I wanted to. But I prayed about it and I didn't feel that calling off the wedding, or later getting divorced, was what God wanted me to do. So we worked through it, and sometimes it was really hard. I can't say I've always felt special and cherished and loved, early in our marriage. But I can say that I definitely do now, and I have for several years now. And it only seems to get better each and every day.

    For me, the main important thing was seeking guidance from God. Because I honestly didn't know, at times, what the right call was and if we should be together or not. But every time i sought answers from the One who knows far more than I do, it was ubundantly clear to me that God wanted us together. Sorry if that's too "religious" for some people here, but that's my honest answer on how I got through that. I don't know if I would have without God.

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