My guilt is killing me :( Help.

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by parad0x, May 25, 2019.

  1. parad0x

    parad0x Fapstronaut

    Like many, I went down the rabbit hole of escalation.

    Girl & Guy anal

    It got worse and worse until I ended up on TS porn. Never graduated to gay porn thankfully.

    It didn't take long, only 3-5 years. To the point where I acted out some times when I was under the influence of drugs & alcohol with TS woman. Each time feeling disgusted in myself but repeating the behavior until I was ok with it.

    Thankfully I never got common STD or worse! All this time I had maintained relationships with girls. Whom I am still very attracted to instinctively & from a primal perspective.

    I thought I could lead a double life. I was just a guy with a weird kink. Until....

    I lost my libido with my gf and started suffering ED along with struggling to form a strong emotional connection with her. That's when I realized there was a problem, my instinctive drive for regular sex had almost vanished.

    I started to research and I have come to the conclusion, my dopamine receptors have been fried by this insidious porn usage.

    Currently 7 days into NoFap. I'm finding it easy, I think because I feel so angry at what porn did to me. I hate it and am angry for allowing myself to wander so far from my true self.

    During the haze of my addiction & escalation, I was content with my lifestyle. NoFap has forced the fog to clear and now I'm ridden with guilt about my behavior, specifically the acting out - something I can never take back.

    Has anyone else experienced something similar?
    Did it pass?
    How can i come to terms with what I have done and move forward with my life?

    I really want to fall in love with a woman again, but I feel undeserving of them. Like if they knew my past they'd never accept me.
  2. Super Mike James

    Super Mike James Fapstronaut

    I think everything will get better for you in time but your brain needs time to reset. You will learn to love yourself again. Remember, this is a journey, you just have to give it time.
  3. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    @Luvspin68 This is an example of how escalation happens. ^^^
    @krdt The fog has been lifted. Now that you know better you can do better. Focus on being the best you that you can be every day. Start going to SA or SAA meetings and you will see that you are not the only person who has escalated like this. Going and connecting with others who have walked the SA path will help remove your shame.
  4. parad0x

    parad0x Fapstronaut

    Thank you both for your kind replies.

    Random thought... I find it strange how in the throws of my behavior PMO & Acting out I was happy and content. Going NoFap was like a giant realisation "look at what you've been doing you sick SOB".

    Anyway, I guess this journey back to normal will be paved with various emotions as part of recovery.
  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    You were oblivious to the damage because you were chasing dopamine.
  6. Dlh19

    Dlh19 Fapstronaut

    Don’t stress yourself over it. It’s a fall. We have weaknesses based on exposure. It just happens. Just keep going. But I think self assessment, getting to the root of any behaviors you feel you can improve and making changes helps in my experience. Just stay strong bro. You’re no less of a man or human. Keep fighting.
    mozartmozart likes this.
  7. Brqo99

    Brqo99 Fapstronaut

    I haven’t gone to the extent of meeting any one but I can relate to this to a T.
    Problem now is my heads messed up... I am in a real rut, I’ve been dating girls but just don’t feel anything anymore and not sure it I’ve binged so much on this porn I’m damaged for ever

    I have no libido, no sex drive... yet the thought of TS and I come alive downstairs... this isn’t what I want though

    Can going nofap rewire my brain? Or is this it now?
    Brown Boy likes this.
  8. Dlh19

    Dlh19 Fapstronaut

    You’ll snap back. It takes time
    mozartmozart likes this.
  9. ClickClickBoom

    ClickClickBoom Fapstronaut

    You can't change what it done but you can learn from it and change your present and your future, don't dwelling on anger and negative emotions that will do you no good, find something you truly want and takes measure steps towards achieving it.
    Focus on yourself.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

    You can do it. I know many of us here due to same thing. Its because of brain see so much porn that it loses intrest in normal porn that is why you watch TS and stuff. The recovery is basic. You need to first understand the behaviour. What triggers you, what kind of emotion make you watch porn and commit to nofap. I recently lost ky streak so i know what it feels like after relapse.
    But i tell you this amd never forget these, keep yourself away from graphic content even those girls in bikinis or short dresses showing curves.
    Read rebooting every night and whenever you have the urge.
    These are two important things. Good luck boy.
  11. The longer you stay away from P, the more you improve. stay strong.
    The Legend of Hope likes this.
  12. parad0x

    parad0x Fapstronaut

    Thank you bros. What a great bunch of guys/girls you are. You've all made me feel much better already.

    I have started a journal if you'd like to follow my progress.

    See you around the forums
    Kratos_GOW likes this.
  13. B1257

    B1257 Fapstronaut

    Oh man, I understand you all too well.

    I have been in this vicious cycle for years. Ive made up to 60 days and completely the relapsed.

    porn, then escorts, then rub and tugs then quit then restart.

    Stay strong man!

    I just started back today! Im here for you man
  14. llortaton

    llortaton Fapstronaut

    My Journal
    Your wise-ness resembles your profile pic, keep it on, wise ass! :p
  15. InnerFaith

    InnerFaith Fapstronaut

    STOP :emoji_no_entry:

    First of all, no woman needs to know your private past unless you reveal it to her, and i wouldn't recommend you to reveal anything of that sort to any woman anyway and, hmm, never.
    Second thing is, don't overestimate her, everyone has skeletons in their closet and you can be sure she will never reveal all cards to you as well.
    More than this, the "undeserving" part, its just not the right way to look at it, you deserve what you give in a relationship, no woman is volunteering to be with a man who is "deserving" for his good deeds in the past, its give and take like everything else.
    You need to remember that in a relationship you put your effort, time, money, passions and intentions on her..(while denying yourself from all the beutiful and sexy women out there).
    so don't underestimate yourself at all, and dont show her you underestimate yourself, or you'll end up with a leech who only knows how to take.

    now about the core issue itself of pmo addiction and ts porn:
    i slept with 2 ts escorts in the past, watched alot of ts porn, and like you my base was straight porn and atraction to women.
    i can tell you that the nofap rehab clearly helps me to come back to more focus on women, and less & less focus on transwomen.. i even began apreciating new angles on a woman that i wouldnt focus on too much on the past.. sexuality is a fluid thing and a reflection of your state of mind.. nofap helps.
    ryguyuplift likes this.
  16. Brqo99

    Brqo99 Fapstronaut

    Did anyone suffer PIED? And did nofap and not watching this stuff address the issue?
    I’ve relapsed today, put blockers on my laptop now.
    Day 1 tomorrow for me
  17. BlaineTrain

    BlaineTrain Fapstronaut

    You're angry for having let yourself down. Now you've chosen to start the road back towards your true self. Turn that anger into some well-deserved pride!

  18. My friend your not alone I have literally gone through the exact same thing i went through escalations and ended up with CD and TS...this was not me it's been months since I have been with one I'm on day 23 now and ik feeling so free I'm will not be going back to PMO. So same with you ok now facing my REAL life with my girl all I want to do is make our life the best problem is right now I'm abit stuck on what to do next...but I rather be stuck then to be running away from my problems and going back to PMO and the doubble life. Free yourself and free your mind and forgive your self .
  19. parad0x

    parad0x Fapstronaut

    Thanks, bro. Yes the day I started this thread I was having a particularly bad day mentally. I think I'm on day 9 of this nofap business. And although I have virtually 0 libido, which is somewhat scary on it's own. I'm just thankful there is no desire to PMO. Further evidence I do think true libido and PMO drive are quite different.

    I dunno... watch this space I guess. But mark my words, I'm never going back to that lifestyle.

    Thanks for your reply.
  20. I believe you my friend I know you wont.
    And the only reason why you have no libido , your what we call flatlining . It's a very normal part of the reboot.
    Dont get scared your brain is just use to your porn use for dopamine...let time pass focused on yourself

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