My history again?

Hello
I wrote part of my history in the subforum for new member introductions, but I've tought about rewrite it here more complete and with more details. Things that nobody knows and maybe be good to share... I'm not sure
I'm also thinking wether start my journey here, in the woman forum or in the correponding age forum. I'm gathering strength to begin

 

Thanks

 

PMO along my life

The beginning
When I was about 5 or 6 years old, I touched other parts of my body, and put objects in the stomach zone, because I felt good. I have been told that certain parts shouldn't be touched, so I avoided touch there.
Between about 7 to 11 I imagined "things", touched my body (no M yet), took off my clothes, looked at myself in the mirror. I don't know if that was normal or not.
At 12 years old I remembered what I did when was 6 and had curiosity about "how does it feel if I...?" And I did M for the first time. Since that moment I lost my mind and wanted to feel that all the time.

Please, stop!
Some months later, (still 12) I had my first period, but with heavy bleeding, that scared me a lot because I assumed it was caused by M and thought I'd be discovered (it's not the only scare I've had due to M). That made me wanting to stop. I tried, but I didn't make it.
Since then I tried to quit many times, unsuccessfuly. I fell down again and again.
I lived it as an abuse towards myself. I told myself many things to stop M. I felt guilty, ashamed, dirty, despicable, miserable, pervert. Over time, I began to despise, reject and hate myself. My desperation was so big that I even considered death as a way to escape from myself: If I didn't have a body, I couldn't do anything wrong with it.
Over time I was able to stay one year or maybe a little more MO free.

Present time
Nowadays PMO happens by seasons "episodes", it can go a long time without anything happening, but when the urges appear and I don't resist them I can do it more than intended.
Now I've a week doing M and seeing P almost every day, I've been totally obsessed with doing M, thinking about all the day every day, a persistent, almost constant thought. I can distract with other activities, but when the activity ends, the thought returns.
Also I've been having problems with O I guess due to my antidepressant treatment, but this hasn't prevented me from doing M...
Sometimes I still hate myself, but now I'm less harsh than before

About P
I remembered the first time I watched P. It was in my teens, accidentally, I found some magazine pages. Later I wasn't able to remove the images of my mind for some time.
Two years ago, I was seeing only suggestive pictures, I started seeing real P seven months ago, when I had strong impulse to do that.
During recent days P has increased its intensity and frequency and this worries me. I don't want to develop an addiction to P.

To stop or not to stop?
I want to stop!, but when urges come, eventually I don't.
Right now my will is a weather vane moved by the wind of urges and bad desires. Now I want to stop but within five minutes I won't.
Last week I resisted the urges and temptations for several days. But this week I gave in to them very easily, even trying to take advantage of almost each opportunity to do it.
This is a big problem! I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this!
I really miss to have the determination to quit I had in previous years, when I was capable of not going to sleep in my bed and staying all night in an armchair with the light on, in order to avoid doing M, or going to the kitchen to washing dishes at 3 AM with the same purpose.
I want to be me again!

Affecting my spiritual life
Also, my Catholic faith is very important, and PMO hurts my relationship with God.
First times I decided quit, I repeatedly promised God never to do it again, but I couldn't keep it.
I made my first communion in my teens, and I spoiled it. In my first confession, face to face, I wasn't able to say my impurity sins :-( I tried, I wanted, I didn't... the priest realized that there was something and he said he forgave the sins of my whole life. I come back with him to try to say again, but embarrassment was strong and again I couldn't. I made my first communion anyway and I felt dead, a coward, the worst person.
After this, I confessed that event more than once. I think this is the origin of my scruples of conscience.
Years later I discovered that sacraments can stop or at least attenuate my temptations.
In recent years I've had difficulties to make the purposes of amendment, feeling resistance to give up MO. Right now it is an issue.
I really want to fully reject PMO and give God His place in my life, the first place, but I'm putting before my desires and urges, my "need" of feeling, my attachment to this sin, my deviant will... What a shame!
I'm being selfish and ungrateful to God, and worse because now it's Lent, penitence and conversion time, and I'm doing the opposite!
I feel like a hypocrite.
I also need to take my prayer more seriously. I've been praying with not much attention, and don't have a special time to pray alone.
Things I need to correct!

Dear brothers and sisters, please pray for my conversion

 

Yes, self-abuse, abuse of my own body only to obtain pleasant sensations.
Many times I was afraid when I felt urges to M.
I hated myself for abusing of myself and for having pleasure by doing "bad things". For being impure.

I told myself many ugly things. "If you do that, then you are a... ". "I did it, so I was..." whatever.
When I wrote the quoted text, I really was thinking so, but I realized still say ugly things about myself, like "you are a disgusting person" and "let no one know the kind of bug you are". Oops!

I'm so sorry!

This reminds me I heard some saint said something like "The devil rides on our wounds", he uses our wounds and weaknesses to hurt us.

Oh! I've said a lot of times: if God forgives me, who am I to not forgive myself? But is easier to say than to do...
Maybe later I'll write about my scruples.

No, I mean I currently have episodes of M every several months, which can last only one day or even two weeks or so.
For example, the last episode or season was on July. I was free of M and P urges all this months, until last days of February when them came back, and I've been a week with PM almost every day. Last Friday was M free and yesterday and today P free. I'm doing some effort. I want tomorrow to be a day without both M and P.
The word in Spanish is temporadas, google translator suggested seasons, haha

Thanks.
Until now I had not considered myself as addicted to P, but since the events of recent days, like searching more intense things and more times a day, I don't know what to think. In fact, I started seeing real P just on July, maybe two times.

I hadn't thought of it that way!

Totally true!

You're right.

Yes, I've a lot of distractions, mainly from my own mind or from the phone

Yes, I'll do.
Main waste of time we have? M and P
By the way, I was checking this site compulsively yesterday and part of today

 

For many years I've had the doubt of whether I was molested and I don't remember, because I found not normal my behavior as a kid. Why would a 5 or 6 years old little girl start doing things like touching her body secretly? I don't understand.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and comment!
I pray (talk to God) several times a day, to thank Him, ask for help, say Him something, but for a few minutes. Also we have daily family prayer and I go to daily mass. But it's also true I don't have a special daily moment to talk with God deeply, having a loving dialogue. I used to read the Bible every night but I quit and I haven't resume :-(
All my attepts to having a special daily moment to pray end soon.
I promise, this time I'll do a serious effort to pray every day, at least 10 minutes. I know it's suggested 15, but I want to start little by little. 10 minutes of loving prayer and at least a mistery of the rosary every day.
Thank you so much for your prayers!!

 

It hasn't been always the same pattern. For example, when I was a teenager it was about three days every month. The pattern has changed over time.

 

My journal!
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-process-mi-proceso-mara43.345189/

 

Thank you for your words

 

Today I went to talk to a priest and, if possible, confess. I couldn't do either. But I'll come back tomorrow. I need help to fight against attachment to sin and strenghten repentance and purpose of amendment.
God guide us

 

Dear friends, thank you for answering.

Yes, I pray for that

Yes. I need to learn to trust more in God

Thank you, amen!!!!

Or at least firm...
Also the shame can br worse because I'm a woman

 

Yes, I loved it