My husband confessed...

I also suffer with ptsd and it can affect my family also. I do get a but ragey at times, the important thing is that I always apologise to who ever I have been horrible to.
My husband and I went to a party last night and there were lots of women there, one in particular that kept chatting to my husband when I was dancing etc. She literally was married herself and made a bee line for him. I could see straight through it and I'm sure he could too. She made a point in telling me in front of him that she was getting his number so he could fix her car. I was ok with it as that is his business after all but as the night progressed she kept on and on and it really grated on me. We had a few crossed words at home and I slapped him, which I'm totally ashamed of! He called me a few names but also told me in was a complete piece of shit. It's been playing on my mind all day.
Maybe I am a piece of shit because I slapped him but I feel that his addiction has affected me more than I know. It has changed the person I am. I am paranoid about every woman, paranoid to let him out of my sight. I wish I could kick him out but it isn't an option as he has no where to go, his family live in Ireland and I couldn't justify either of us wasting money on hotels.
Your right about forgetting some days and it hitting you like a steam train on others. I wish I had never discovered it all now! He was being affected by it so much though, it caused him high anxiety and it had to end.
I'm thinking he looked at porn today but only because if the way i treated him. So I also blame myself for it all..... being pregnant, being a bitch, not showing my appreciation for how hard he works, the list goes on and on. Bloom helped me realise it wasnt ny fault. This was down to him and him only.
I asked how he would feel if our daughter was being treated like a sex object and how he would feel if he found out she was being treated in a similar way to me. That got him thinking on my level. I also asked how he would feel if he came accross a video of me on these porn sites and how that would make him feel. I said hell I might even make a video and put it on there see how many views I get!! I never done that but sure as hell felt like doing it.
Not going to stop to his level though!
I just wanted him to notice me and love me like I love him. He says he loves me but I doubt this as this has been an ongoing problem in our relationship even before marriage, although I never knew the extent till after our marriage when I caught him out.
I'm going to ask him to put internet filters on his phone so it reminds him not to look. He was in denial for an long time about it being an addiction till it nearly ended our marriage the second time I caught him. I was also in denial until I found this site and read up on it all. I forced him to get help. He says he can do it cold turkey and he is stronger than this. I'm yet to know if he has relapsed because we aren't communicating very much of late. It's gone very quiet for us. I think this makes me feel worse. Hope you and baby are at home now where you belong.xx

 

Being mistreated was something I've been through in past relationships and I'm never willing to let that happen again. Part of me thinks I will just kick him out and divorce him because to me this is mental abuse and I will not tolerate it. He knows this is it for him. He has done 92 days clean now. We had the app REAL MEN DON'T PORN which was great but he said he started to feel like a kid so we deleted it. Boom within a week he was back looking at porm again and lying to me he wasn't. I think we will download it because I feel more insecure now reading all the success stories and journals which state men relapsed after 90 days, just had a quick look to test their selves etc.

I swear to god if he does it he is gone. I will not put myself through it or by kids. My older boys know everything as they have heard arguments and I've stated to them i dont want them looking at it as it's not real, its unhealthy and can cause issues for getting aroused with real women. They have seen the damage it causes to women and they have both said they dont look any more. I always used to think what's the big deal about porn, I used to look now and then but since I've found out about hubby I've not looked and it has repulsed me.

My husband is very paranoid I will cheat on him every time I go anywhere with my friends, gym, swimming, dinner and drinks etc. He knows I've stopped caring about what he thinks and he knows I am one for revenge too. I'm not a cheat though and never have been so to me this is not going to happen but I dont reassure him at all. I let him think away. He needs to know what it feels like.

We both apologised for the way we treated one another at the weekend and I have realised I'm totally damaged by his actions and need some sort of therapy. He is accepting it. I said to him I feel like you have shot me with a machine gun and are stood there moaning your trigger finger hurts while I bleed out on the floor. (Dr Doug Weiss said it in a you tube video - helping her heal part 1, 2 & 3 - also worth a watch for you both). There are courses on path and bloom and questions for him to complete as he goes through to analyse himself. Best he does it without you as then he can answer without you seeing.
I feel calm this week and it's nice but one little thing will set me off I know it!xx

 

This, along with so many other things you've shared here, makes me deeply sad and concerned for you.

I am very very reluctant to ever think of the D word as an option, but this is just insane. You are in an abusive relationship. He spits on you, calls you a bitch and a whore, tells you he hates you all the time, and instead of leaving him it seems like you're allowing him to corrupt you. You're changing yourself to keep him happy.

I'm sorry, but this is just all such textbook abusive relationship behavior. I know full well that God can redeem any situation, but honey, for your own sake, I don't see how you can stay with this man. If God redeems him, maybe God will lead you back to each other in the future, but this is DANGEROUS. From the things you've said here, you are not safe with this person. Emotional abuse is incredibly dangerous. He's destroying your heart, and I really truly wish you would not allow it any longer.

I know the Bible discourages divorce, but I hardly think God expects you to put up with actual abuse, day after day. Separation, at the very least, seems necessary to me.

Of course I don't know everything. All I know is what you have shared here. But from what I can see, this is incredibly unhealthy, and it breaks my heart that he is treating you this way and that you are allowing it by staying with him.

You mentioned that if you leave him, he will fall off the deep end, but that is HIS mess to clean up. He's a grown man, and he is responsible for his own choices. Whatever he does after you decide to put yourself and your children first, is his choice.

If you want my advice, keep praying for him, but you need to get away from this toxic, abusive person. The kind of emotional abuse you've described here and in other threads is going to cause permanent damage to you. This is not what God intended when he said to turn the other cheek. You shouldn't have to endure this.

I dont know, maybe I'm off base and you already know this, but I really hope you aren't staying with him because you think God would be upset if you got a divorce. I think this is absolutely within the Biblical grounds for divorce, for your own safety and the safety of your children. Or at the very least, permanent separation until he figures his own crap out. It's not your job to save him or fix him. Only God can do that, and only if he chooses to accept it.

I will keep you in my prayers. I hope you aren't offended by my words, given our previous disagreements. I wanted to look into your story and what brought you to NoFap and I'm just absolutely shocked at what I'm reading. Nobody should ever be treated this way, and nobody should ever be expected to stay with someone who abuses them this way.

 

Sounds very mature, loving, and Christ-like of you! I'm glad to hear that about your husband's remorse and repentance. Your earlier posts didn't reflect any remorse at all, so that was deeply concerning. I'm glad to hear that isn't the full story.

I wish you both well, no matter how things turn out. <3

 

I do want to clarify, though, that your husband's abuse is not normal or typical of all porn addicts. Porn addiction doesn't make a man abusive, if all else is equal. My husband has struggled with porn addiction for many many years, and he has never been abusive.

I just want to clarify that. I think gaslighting and lying is definitely a typical trait of addicts, for sure, but being verbally abusive to your spouse and telling them you hate them all the time is not addiction's fault, or porn's fault. That's a whole other problem.

 

i truly believe habitual porn use makes people do things they regret. im sorry you had to deal with the pain he put on you. from your initial post it seems that he does care about you, and that he may need counseling to get through some issues he is dealing with. i would stay with him, not just for his sake but for the babies sake.

 

Some porn addicted men are never abusive. Others turn very abusive, unfortunately. My husband treated me with silk gloves before porn became an issue. The more depressed he got, the more porn he consumed, and the more verbal and physical hate was directed my way. After treatment, he got kind and normal again.

A handful of other women on here have reported the same phenomenon. I guess it's similar to alcohol. Some addicts get jolly, some melancholic, some fall asleep and some go home to their wife and beat her to a pulp.

 

Yes, that's the point of what I was saying. Not all addicts are abusive. That doesn't mean none of them are, of course, just that it's not an inerrant thing with addicts. If an addict is abusive, they have some other issues as well, not just addiction. I really don't know that I believe someone with zero other psychological issues would suddenly become abusive just from watching a lot of porn.

 

Anyone who compulsively watches porn, especially in secret, has psychological issues, or they would have just stopped. I believe it's important that we raise awareness to any domestic violence in the home that's pornography related. There have been studies made on porn consumers view on women in general and their partner in particular, and the verdict is clear: pornography statistically turn men more vicious towards women in their environment, especially the ones close to them. Abusive behaviour might certainly not be typical of ALL addicts (after all, what behaviour can be attributed to 100% of a certain population?), but it IS typical of heavy pornography consumers.

 

Well sure, but that doesnt mean they are prone to abusive tendencies... that's all I was saying. You just said in your previous comment, first thing, that not all porn addicts are abusive. Which is all I was saying. So I don't see what the disagreement is.

That's literally all I was saying.

 

You said that abusive behaviour is not typical to all porn addicts (your point being what, since this woman clearly has an abusive porn addicted husband?) and I say it exists a clear correlation between pornographic usage and domestic abuse that us spouses here on NoFap need to educate ourselves on so we can lift the issues with our fellow SOs, especially when they are in need of advice and support.

No one can blame you for not knowing what it's like to live year after year with a cruel abusive husband. But I can tell you that when porn is out of the picture, it's a hell of a lot easier.

 

Many porn addicts are abusive. There has been a correlation between porn addiction and abuse. I’d say very few are not abusive. It’s the degree of abuse that varies. Lying to your spouse is abusive. Gaslighting your spouse is abusive. Telling your spouse you don’t want sex because she wasn’t nice to you when really it’s because you just jacked off is abusive. Manipulating your spouse because of your addiction is abusive. Is that the same degree of abuse as telling your spouse you hate her? No. The same as hitting your spouse? No. However, it’s still abuse.

 

My point was to say that his problems probably lie deeper than merely porn addiction, so she isn't thinking that if his porn addiction is fixed, everything else will be fixed as well. I don't want people to have unrealistic expectations for addiction being the root cause of all their problems, and if they just fix that one thing everything else will fall into place. Because that's not always the case.

I was just trying to be helpful. I don't see the point in arguing about it. You are all twisting what I'm saying into something I never said and wasn't implying.

I don't appreciate the way you say this as if I'm trying to destroy you lifting other people up or something. I was trying be helpful, supportive, and encouraging as well. Just because we have different ways of going about it doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong. I honestly don't understand how this has been twisted this way. I'm not tearing anyone down or doing anything wrong.

 

I think Castielle makes a valid point. Especially because there is a correlation between addiction and abuse, it can be easy to attribute all abusive behavior to addiction, when addiction can amplify already existing abusive tendencies like anger issues that need to be dealt with independently. Of course all addicts have some kind of psychological issues, but that doesn't mean all of them have abusive tendencies in their personality.

 

The hell it doesn't

 

Yes, that's what I was trying to say. Thank you.

Sorry, but what we are saying is objectively true. I've met plenty of addicts who are not abusive. So it is without a doubt true that not all addicts have abusive tendencies in their personalities. Doesn't mean it's not common, or that a lot of them don't, but certainly not all. You can't really disagree with that. I mean you can, but you would be wrong.

I'm not abusive. My husband isn't abusive. Plenty of the people I've met here are not abusive. Just because you are addicted to something, doesn't mean you're automatically going to start yelling at your spouse and telling them you hate them and body shaming them and making them feel like crap about themselves, etc. Not all addicts are like that. So it's clearly not solely due to addiction that those things are happening. There are other, deeper issues going on that are probably the cause of the addiction in the first place. The addiction is likely a symptom of a bigger problem.