My husband confessed...

@Beloved98 It's an awful situation to be in, and unfortunately not everyone will understand. They might say "my husband isn't like this", which to me is a bit like being in anaphylactic shock and getting told "most people don't have a peanut allergy". Here on NoFap we are certainly no strangers to cruel porn addicted men; it is not uncommon to encounter stories like yours. Sadly, pornography use and domestic abuse often go hand in hand. That means porn makes all men statistically more prone to abusive behaviour, not of course that every single man that ever watched nudity will be an abuser. To be a domestic bully, you need three vital ingredients (try to remove just one, and abuse will be hard to find):

1. Core beliefs. Abusive men rely on ideas that justify mistreatment of their spouse. Contrary to popular belief, few men actually "loose control". Instead, virtually all abusers are very aware of what they are doing, and think deep down that they are entitled to this behaviour in order to control their SO. Like children, they often are rewarded by getting exactly what they want. A man who screams uncontrollably because his house is not spotlessly clean will soon enough have a spotless home. Often, abusive men will further justify their outbursts by bringing up childhood trauma. Remember that abusers don't have much more childhood trauma than non abusers, but nearly all abusers come from families and cultures who value misogynist ideas. Take away these core values, and you won't find abuse.
2. A numbing agent. Here you find pornography addiction. Porn makes men less sensitive to other people's emotions and needs, which is the reason why porn is encouraged in the military. Without a properly intact impulse control and lack of emotion, it's easier to abuse someone without remorse. Alcohol works in the same way. Many abusers use alcohol as a tool. Remember, an abuser don't abuse because they are drunk, but instead get drunk in order to be able to abuse more readily. Porn works in the same way. It serves as a crutch: first of all, it numbs the user so he temporarily feels better about himself, while making him feel less about others. Secondly, the crutch is also used as a tool to punish the spouse further (for example threats of relapse, "you make me do it", acting out in revenge, comparing the wife to others, degrading sex acts or withholding sex and love). Thirdly, porn deepens existing mental health issues, making him resort compulsively to it again and again in order to feel temporarily better once more. Take away the porn and/or other addictions, and the man will be clear headed enough to question what he is doing and the abuse will stop.
3. Mental illness/depression. Depressed men are often angry men. Depressed men are often porn addicts. Porn addicts often get depressed. And lastly, abusive men often have untreated psychological problems. Fatherhood can alter testosterone levels somewhat and cause baby blues. Lack of excercise, a questionable upbringing and a faulty microbiome can also worsen mood disorders. Take away mental issues, and the man won't resort to addictions, which in turn helps him not to abuse the spouse.

Here you have the evil tricycle of domestic abuse and violence. Try to remove one wheel, and the whole vehicle gets inheritently unstable. I took men as an example since this is about your relationship with your husband, but obviously, women can abuse too. The best thing would be for your husband to attend anger management classes, get individual treatment for his mental issues (medication, CBT, CSAT, regular excercise), read up on how porn addiction alters the brain (usually, men are more interested in how it alters their performance, so that's also somewhere to start). Most importantly, take care of yourself. Nothing you did can justify his cruelty. If he thinks you mistreat him, he can say so and walk away, but to play certain triggering music and other nonsense in order to torment you is never justified. Please don't forget that you are not alone in this, so many women have gone through this hell, and there is endless of support and help for you whenever you need it.

 

Look, I'm not trying to make this about me, but this seems directed at me, and it's completely unfair. That's not at all what I said. What I said was to be helpful and encouraging, and yes, understanding. I've also been speaking privately with Beloved in PMs and we have a ton in common and have been having some great discussions. So... I really don't appreciate you acting like the point of what I said was to brag that my husband isn't like this, so I can't possibly understand. That's not what I meant, at all, in the slightest, and it's a completely unfair summation of everything I've said here.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that, because this thread is not about me. But I'm sick of people acting like because I shared a different perspective, I'm somehow trying to attack or invalidate people. I'm trying to help and encourage. I swear, this literally happens every time I try to talk to any SOs here. Guess I should take the hint that I'm not welcome or understood here at all. Got it. I'll leave.

 

I think there was just confusion when saying that not all addicts are abusive. Yes, that is true, but I think the point was to say that if an addict is abusive, it can be 100% rooted in the addiction, so fixing the addiction and all psychological issues that come with it, will fix the abusive behavior. OR, as we said, it can also be an issue independent of addiction. Many people are abusive without addiction, so an addict showing abusive behavior fixing his addiction won't be a guarantee for his abusive behavior to go away. I thought it was important that you pointed that out. I am honestly a bit confused how saying that could be taken in a negative way.

 

Well thank you. At least one person understood what I meant and why it was important to mention. I don't understand why some people seem to think I'm trying to be discouraging or invalidating or some nonsense.

It's very important to know where abusive behavior is coming from. All I was trying to say is to be cautious about thinking the abusive is coming only from porn addiction. Because the danger in that is assuming that if you fix the porn addiction problem, everything will be fine. I would hate to see someone fight like hell to get through a porn addiction in their husband, only to find that the abuse is still there, because the porn addiction isn't the root cause. That would be so disheartening. That could break someone, and I don't want to see that happen.

After talking more to Beloved personally, I don't think she is in danger of having this mindset. I think she's great and has a good head on her shoulders. But still, I thought it was important to mention.

In NO way was my comment merely a selfish "huh, my husband doesn't act like this, so I don't understand" statement. That would be ridiculous, self centered, and stupid. My comment had a purpose that was important, to be helpful.

 

Do you guys remember Jenga? Maybe in your native language it is called something else, but in mine it is called Jenga. For those who don't know, this was a social family game that people amused themselves with before Candy Crush, and it goes like this: you build a tower out of wooden blocks, and then, bit by bit, you remove the same blocks carefully and strategically so the tower won't collapse. If you pull out the "wrong" block, the tower crumbles and you loose.

Abuse is like a Jenga tower you wish to destroy, and porn addiction is like one of the blocks. So even if porn addiction isn't the "whole tower", it's still a fundamental piece that makes the tower of abuse intact. So YES, you can remove the "addiction"-block and thereby destroy the whole tower of abuse, even if the tower consisted of other blocks, such as the "molested as a child"-block, or "having a violent father"-block. Any strategic jenga tower destroyer would of course know that it would be ideal to remove as many of these bearing blocks as possible in order to make sure the tower falls, but they are also aware of the fact that one fundamental bearing block is sometimes all it takes, since the structure is so interconnected.

Important "blocks" in spousal abuse are core beliefs, numbing agents (sexually related addictions, alcohol) and mental illness. Without core beliefs, you wouldn't think it was right to be cruel to the one you "love" and hence never do it, without numbing agents, you wouldn't have the guts to go through with it long term and without mental illness you wouldn't feel bad enough to resort to the numbing agents in the first place.

 

I never said you CAN'T do that. I'm simply saying it isn't guaranteed, and it's wise to caution yourself against assuming it will work out that way.

I really don't see what is so controversial about what I'm saying. But clearly you disagree, and that's totally fine. You don't have to agree with me. But what you don't get to do is make comments as if I'm being uncaring or callous, just because you disagree with my advice.

Key word: sometimes. Which is literally all I'm saying.

 

I wasn't referring to your posts, just discussing in the thread. It is not about you. If I refer to your post, or mention, speculate, wish to discuss or think about anything you say, I will quote you or mention you. And I didn't.

 

You did quote me earlier... and you are refuting a statement I made. You literally quoted me several times, and heavily implied that I was not being understanding and that I need to lift others up, as if that's not what I'm already doing.

This feels rather akin to gaslighting. You responded directly to me several times, and then you respond once without mentioning me, but clearly referring to "SOME people won't understand and will say [insert exactly what I said]," and then expect me to believe that wasn't directed toward me? Girl, please. Sorry, but I'm not buying that. You can say whatever you want about me, but don't pretend it wasn't about me just because you didn't mention me by name.

 

You don't have to apologize, I'm not offended. My Jenga analogy post was not about you, or anything you may have written to me or anyone else, and it isn't refuting, alluding to or in any other way referring to what you have said in this or any other thread.

 

Never said jenga was about me. Obviously it is refuting some of what I said though. I don't really see why you would deny that. that's how a conversation works. The reason you posted that was in response to what Angel and I were saying. There's nothing wrong with that, I just find it odd that you would say it has nothing to do with anything I said. It obviously does, as it was part of the conversation. But whatever, that's not even what I was referring to anyway.

 

I remember years ago a friend was married to an alcoholic. When drunk he was very abusive hitting, throwing stuff, verbal etc. At around 3 years clean I was talking with his wife and she said “ I thought if he quit drinking all our problems would disappear and we’d be happy”. “ However, now without the alcohol he is more unhappy and unable to cope with anything”. He no longer throws or hits, but the anger is still there and I don’t know how to fix that”. So even in sobriety/recovery the issues that drove them to their addiction must still be dealt with. He has now been about 10 years clean, most of the abuse is gone but unfortunately some still remains, he’s still an a$$! Lol. I remember thinking “ maybe that’s just him?”