My husband rather keep things the way they are than change….

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jbird22, Jun 5, 2015.

  1. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

    When I found out about his addiction and confronted him, his reaction at first was denial and lying but by the time I got him to admit it, he then blamed me, saying it was because we didn't have sex enough, although I constantly asked him if it was enough and if he was satisfied and he never spoke up.

    He then said the thing that I am having such a hard time getting over-he asked if we could just leave things the way they were, us having sex whenever it happened and him continuing his habits whenever he feels like it…because apparently he's known about this arrangement all along for over 10 years of our relationship and I'm just now realizing it... I guess it bothers me because I know that's what he really wants and even if ever gets to the point where he changes, I'll always know that he would just rather have never gotten caught so he could continue down this path.

    I now have nightmares all the time that he's living some secret life with another woman half the time with other kids etc.. sucks.

    Just venting…blah
  2. WOTL

    WOTL Fapstronaut

    Dear Jbird, I am sorry you are having to go through this. This is clearly something very painful. I think we should not try to judge others but I will now break this rule and say that your husband is wrong. He has no right to blame you for his addiction. His sexual compulsion is a problem he needs to learn to manage, or it will end up destroying him because he will not be able to have an honest relationship with anyone.

    I also had a problem myself and confessed it to my wife. She forgave me but asked me what it was that I was willing to do differently to save our marriage. If your husband is not willing to change, you may need to reconsider whether the relationship is worth it. It seems he has a problem recognizing that "sexual compulsion" is incompatible with intimacy. His addict personality is too strong but he needs to make a choice. Perhaps he is not ready yet because he is not aware he is suffering from an addiction. You may want to check the website of Alanon, which teaches partners of alcoholics what types of behaviors are most helpful to deal with addictions. My mom saved my dad from alcoholism following some of their advice. I think it is important not to judge him, but indicate that what he is doing is not acceptable to you, and that there are tools that he can try to use to overcome his addiction. Every addict has moments when he will be more receptive to ideas, as he will certainly face some remorse after "acting out". Hope this helps
    Jbird22 and Limeaid like this.
  3. Haggis

    Haggis Fapstronaut

    Hi Jbird! You sound a lot like my wife. For years before I finally admitted I had a problem, I would blame her for most of my issues and it's caused a lot of hurt for her. It's caused a lot of psychological damage that is extremely hard for me to accept. That I hurt the woman I claimed to love so badly.

    I'll echo previous comments and say that the burden is definitely on your husband to change his life around at this point. It will be a journey that both of you need to take together and it won't be a walk in the park, but it's totally worth it. Ask him if pixels on a screen are worth more to him than his wife, worth more than a flesh and blood woman who loves him.

    Have you brought up NoFap to him before? Maybe point him to a couple journals on here and tell him to read them or else ;)

    Stay strong!
    Kurapika 2, Jbird22, Limeaid and 2 others like this.
  4. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    I gave my husband an ultimatum. Shape up or I ship out. Luckily he changed. You really need to think about you now.
    Kurapika 2, Jbird22, ***** and 3 others like this.
  5. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Hey @Jbird22,

    I have been married for 9 years and have 5 kids 7 years old or younger. I have been reading some of your threads. I am glad you are on noFap looking for and finding support/answers.

    To me, it seems like your husband has not hit his rock bottom. You have confronted him and given him enough opportunities to express a genuine desire to quit. But... it appears he is not ready to quit. If he was ready to quit, he wouldn't have excuses for you. He wouldn't blame you.

    I don't envy your situation, because, there is likely not much you can do to stop your husband's frequent PMO. You are already doing the little things, those things help, but, without your husband admitting wholeheartedly that he needs to change, I doubt much progress will be made. I'd love to give you advice on how to fix the problem, but, I can't.

    I would encourage you to read my journal and the journal of other married men, so that you can better understand how your husband got to where he is. Most of us married men who are in our late 20s and early 30s, have been hiding porn from everyone we know since we were in 4th, 5th, 6th, or 7th grade (ages 9 to 13). At some point, we stop thinking about the fact that we hide the porn. Instead, after about 5 years, it is just part of our daily lives. For me, it was my ultimate secret. I was married about 3 years before I had the guts to tell my with about my porn habit, and, that didn't go so well. When I got married, I didn't even think twice about telling her about my porn habit. I didn't feel like I was hiding it from her, I felt like I was hiding it from the whole world, hiding my porn habit was 2nd nature to me.

    When you read our journals, focus on how a lot of us got started. We were innocent and ignorant kids. We were so young, we didn't have the mental capacity to know better. By the time we were old enough to maturely navigate the seductive waters of high speed internet, we were already addicted.

    I write this response to give you hope. Hope that your husband still truly loves you even though he has an addiction to PMO. Hope that even though he is not yet determined to quit, that he might still truly love you. And... if he does love you, you might be able to find a way to make this all work out in the long run. This is going to be a long road for you and for him.

    I have been addicted to porn for the entire 9 years of my marriage, I think I have finally found the willpower to quit, and noFap is helping me tremendously. Throughout the entire 9 years, porn was always a fantasy for me, my wife was always the only person I wanted to be with. I didn't look at a woman on the internet and think, "man, I wish my wife looked like that, or I wish I was married to her". It didn't work that way for me. I looked at porn for the orgasm, for the rush, and the orgasm and the rush consumed me. There is reason to be hopeful, but, I don't think there is reason to believe your situation will be resolved anytime soon. It seems fairly obvious from your posts, that you are going to be dealing with this problem for a while.
  6. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your words-means a lot

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