My husband won't stop omitting thing.

I am sorry your relationship did not work out but reading your words above I can see why it did not. Look we SO are willing to support you to a point. When you keep lying and keep screwing up though you cannot expect her to stay. You are forever damaged by your own actions not hers or her friends and reading this I can see you never got to the point where you put her feelings above yours. If you had you would see why she left.

 

I'm sorry if this is the impression I gave you. It certainly wasn't my intention. I do not think that the lying, repeatedly screw-up kind is the kind I was referring to but rather the type that will take effort and some attempts to get better. Who is fully behind the fight to put an end to it for the good of his own being and the relationship he cherishes.

I also believe that behind a big percentage of porn users there is a damage caused by their own actions. But what lies behind those actions may surprise you. Sexual abuse, trauma, early exposure, social conditioning, cultural norms - those are easy to forget when you desire to hate the actions of a porn user and place them squarely on his head. Many porn users are victims who did not put themselves in the course of destroying their lives and minds.

I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say. I've noticed a pattern of blaming girls going into porn for their 18-year-old decision to sign a stupid contract ridding them of rights to their private parts. For many of these girls, some or all of the above are also the reason they got there. It's easy to say they chose to do it, but I personally don't - I feel sorry for the way they were brought up and how in a pornified culture it seems like a great idea to jump into an exploitative trade that sucks out life from you. Some of those beautiful girls think that their value is in the adoration they receive over their body. That same pornified culture convinces young girls (before porn) to offer themselves entirely to guys in abusive ways, and that same culture teaches boys that porn is a rite of passage and that a girl is worth what her body shows. And I am not saying this as a cover-up for the failure of letting porn into my life. It's rare to find a boy (even a girl) who has not in some way allowed that to distort their idea of a truly beautiful relationship. I know for a fact that my ex-girlfriend's mind was also affected by it, and conditioned by it (body image, sexual expectations, comparing herself), and yet I never asked her for her past using porn because I knew she'd feel like I was trying to pin down something she may have left behind on her to gain leverage. It broke my heart to notice this, and not be able to ask. She did not chose that, it was imposed on her. It's the same for those of us who were caught up in the idea that porn is just something that stays, and that we can't change or conquer our own drive for it.

I don't know your pain and experience loving someone with a porn problem. I just believe that along with a firm desire to put an end to the choices they made, there has to be a side that understands and shows empathy for effects of the choices that person did not make. Many times I see people write about porn performers in ways that speak of "the illusion of porn" and the "fake pixels on a screen", and how "fake bodies", "not real", "retouched", "photoshopped", even if they actually look like that. Adjectives that take away from human beings who chose wrong their very humanity. We shouldn't do it when we speak about them. We also shouldn't take away the sorrow over the destruction of the minds, integrity, and dedication of many good men who fall into this trap and become users.

It's a nightmare to wake up and understand that the most beautiful human being you wanted to grow old with and protect gave up on you, especially when you know just how much you fought for them and how much your life was changed as a result. It hurts when they look at you and say there's no chance because of your past with porn. That "you'll find someone else", almost like saying "someone else will pick you up". You feel devalued, empty, cracked, damaged. A reject. You feel objectified. Yes. Who's the victim here? Who can we blame? Myself. And the choices I made. And those I didn't. And the culture. And the environment.

In all my time with NoFap, I have yet to see a SO address this, and it saddens me because it leaves it very close-ended and lacking all hope. 97% of men will answer they have at some point watched porn (over 50% of women). That's not a lot of possibilities for a woman to find the perfect man if she wants a completely unadulterated man, and even among that 3%, there's the chance that he'll be damaged some other way (not all porn is hardcore porn or graphic). We can't live lives hunting for that perfection to drop by kicking away rejects like they have no value. We create perfection by choice and sometimes... perfection comes a little chipped. That is what you have the power to change.

Love on.

 

As always, it does not matter what thread you decide to pick up... It's always lovely to hear one of your thoughts.
I do hope you have been well.
It's good to see you around.

 

I mean the delusions on here are astounding.

i hope I can address it for you as a SO and I can tell you that many do address the underlying issues and reasons for the porn addiction and we do feel bad and empathize for you even in our anger trust me it hurts us and we do understand. Very few people that have any type of addiction don't have a past trauma or underlying mental health issue. I think the key to beating the addiction is dealing with that issue first. My ex had severe undisagnosed anxiety. He also was an avoidant and had an extreme fear of intimacy and he was a narcissist but that was caused by an extremely critical mother, I saw it for myself I understood. If things were as simple as don't use porn then he would have stopped I know it's not that simple.
I also never want or expect to find a man that does not view porn that to me is unrealistic. I never had a problem with porn all my exes used it what I had a problem with was how my exes addiction effected our lives. He could not O from me. Orgasms for him involved him shutting his eyes and using his hand while he fantasized about porn scenes. I could not speak or move or he could not O. He would blame me for it it was like this from day one. I would perform oral sex until I could not move my jaw and he would blame me if I took a break. He said he needed to watch porn while we had sex. There was no intimacy no kissing no eye contact nothing. The way porn made him treat me in and out of bed like an object was something in 20 years of dating I had never felt. Then the lying started. I thought we were both working hard at fixing this I was being supportive and understanding. I did research I found a counselor I did not pressure him I did not question him but all the while he was lying and continuing to pmo. I was working toward the goal on my own and this happened over and over again.

I would have never questioned his porn use if it did not effect us. I am fine with porn. And yes I understand from an objective point of view it's an addiction but if your man needs to think of other women to enjoy sex with you, if no matter what you do you can't please him, if he treats you like an object if he ogles women in front of you, if he criticizes your body subtle at first (gg maybe no cake after dinner) when you are a size 4. If men on the street pay you more Mind than he does. The fact that it's an addiction means nothing to you you are hurting and unhappy. Then the lying. How can you stay with someone who lies?

If a man is trying of course we understand we support you but at a certain point we have had it. Often I think men take advantage of our kindness and empathy and then we finally leave and the man is confused. No one wants to date or marry an addicts. A porn addict no we don't want that that's a life of misery . No matter what the. Cause is. You as an addict are only a victim of your circumstances if you let yourself be. The men that have stopped for good did it because they made the choice to stop. You cannot continue on your addiction and expect to always be forgiven.

And if you lie and if you subject her to the betrayal trauma over and over at a certain point it's just done. She will never trust you again and while you think that's in your past and want to move on she lives the pain everyday. She's not punishing you for your past she's living her own pain.

At a certain point people are too hurt to go on. You have used all their empathy up. And no matter the thousands of other great qualities a man has if you can't trust him they are meaningless. And it's not a competition. Many addicts say oh my girl had this issue or that issue and maybe she did, maybe your addiction caused it maybe it had nothing to do with it but that does not cancel out your lying and addiction. And saying oh she has issues as if it's an equalizer is gas lighting. You can change yourself you can't change others.

I think she had too much it was just too late like I did. I would rather be alone forever than date a porn addict and/or liar. We want you to be the better man we deserve we have hope we try but you continually let us down. You cannot expert her to stay.

My advice to you is stop pmo entirely if you have not now. Get yourself into some counseling and work on yourself for a year or so. Part of full recovery is going to be to take 100 percent responsibility for your failures and the end of the relationship. Understand why she left you do not blame her. Then start dating again when healthy. Be upfront about your past addiction. A new partner will find out it's better to be honest and if she can't handle it know that early on. And realize sometimes it's just too late for a relationship. The wounds cannot heal. You can't start over with each other you can't forget. Take it as a learning experience and with time you will heal. I knew after all the lies I could never trust my ex again. A relationship with no trust is no fun for either side you may think you want it but you don't. Hang in there we do care.

 

You are absolutely right and it is for this reason that if anything were to happen to my husband, I will never remarry. I absolutely 100% refuse to ever go through anything like this again. Being gaslit for over half my life is long enough. Now, if nothing else, this torturous experience I am currently living in will serve as a guide for me to help my children learn and grow as they begin to enter this f-ed up world of the internet and relationships.

 

I understand better now why you say what you say and choose what you choose.

I wish you a much better future experience with someone who truly loves you more than themselves.

 

I haven't posted many replies of late, because (100% understandably) people here are very sensitve and I am trying not to ruffle too many feathers. I also felt that I was replacing PMO with NoFap addiction! However, I feel compelled to climb in here.

My SO sometimes starts a sentence off with: "Promise you won't get cross...."

Those five words IMMEDIATELY make the reptilian part of my brain jump up on full alert screamin "CODE RED, INCOMING!" and grab whatever weapon is available to defend itself against the shitstorm about to be unleashed.

My wife has exactly the same issues as the ladies have mentioned here. I messed up, screwed up and more. I know it, she knows it, we both agree to it and the challenge is an ongoing one to try repair the damage I caused. When breaking free of PMO, the addict feels better, but sadly our SO usually feels worse.

Because I chose porn, because I allowed myself to get addicted with all the terrible effects it had on my wide, our marriage, our sex life, I feel like a useless, weak, stupid low-life. And that is how my SO views anyone who watches porn. As I destroyed her trust, I must rebuild it. And I know it will take YEARS to do so, and anything that doesn't build it, must be breaking it.

I feel you pain. I (we) caused it. I understand that you ladies seem to be in the same place my SO is. But.... if I approached my wife (or any of you that know my PMO and associated behaviours) and said: "promiseyou won't get cross...." would you be able to hear my telling the truth without getting angry, showing shock, horror or loathing? Would you make me feel safe enough to be willing to tell you the truth? If you can honestly say "Yes" and prove it be deed, then I will feel free enough to speak.

I know I feel lower than dog shit for what I did, but as my SO said: "even a dog deserves a pat on the head". Just my thoughts, with no offence intended.

 

I agree with you. That is not the way to approach a conversation. It definitely puts you on the defensive immediately.

 

Once again, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I can tell you are very frustrated and this isn't the first time you've been burned by the omission/trust problem in this relationship.

I quoted the above because, for lack of better terms (and I apologize if this comes off as a bit harsh), the mentality that comes through your text is the microscope. In healthy, successful relationships there isn't a lot of "telling" that happens. Partners communicate on an equal, open level and that creates trust and a strong connection. If one SO has to tell another SO how to behave then it becomes almost more like a parent/child relationship then a mutual companionship.

Now I'm not saying that establishing clear boundaries and expectations isn't important in a relationship; it is. Very important! Us guys (sorry men) can be real idiots when it comes to this stuff (boundaries) so setting clear expectations is quite helpful in the end. What I am saying is that as hard as it might seem, try to set your relationship rules together so that both sides feel heard and appreciated. Otherwise you'll be in a situation where you're in a marriage with a dependent; not a partner.

In regards to my OP, the relieving of tension was a suggestion to express yourself to him and then let it be. Pretend that this issue is a huge, disgusting pimple on your relationship and by starting to talk about it openly and with love, you pop it and let some pressure out. Just like with a zit, popping it only starts the healing process. Time is ultimately the medicine that cures. Pop the zit, then let it be, if only for a few days. If you start thinking about the zit again before then, focus, really focus your mind on something, anything else.

Hope this helps; don't give up!

 

I totally understand you. I had the same issue. Early on I was understanding and believed he would tell me the truth but it just continued. Understand that it's likely he has changed. He probably lied to you a lot more before than he is now and so he does not understand why you don't applaud him for his improvements. To quote what another person said in a healthy relationship there is no telling. That's right because in a healthy relationship there is no lying and secrecy so being with an addict can't be a normal healthy relationship. You have every right to be angry. How many times you are going to put up with his lying is up to you. Ever heard the saying trust is like a China plate. Drop it once and it shatters you can glue it back together. It will take a long time and it won't look exactly the same but it will still work. Everytime you drop it again though it gets harder and harder to put back together until you just can't.

When you are lied to repeatedly and your partner is a porn addict this is not an equal playing field your partner does not get an equal say. When one is the betrayed their only job is to be accepting and open to forgiveness, to recognize when your partner achieves certain goals and to try. The burden is on the betrayer to do anything it takes to obtain forgiveness that means dealing with you getting upset if he tells you something that upsets you. Don't walk on eggshells. Express your honest feelings. He needs to learn to cope with that. And I suspect like me you never reacted harshly to things before you were lied to. He needs to see his lies did this and give you whatever you need to heal.

The addicts are placing too much of a burden on the SO. We already carry too much. Asking someone to be honest is a simple thing expected in every relationship it's the foundation.

 

So why haven't you?

Just told him what you want?
Why does this have to be complicated?

Sorry but I think this thread has gotten off topic.

I don't know what is so difficult about two people sitting down together and saying this is what I want.
If we can't agree somewhere here, we have a bigger problem.
(that's 'we' as in the two of you)

 

She has told him exactly what she wants and he's not doing it that's the whole point of the thread. Some commenters seem to be saying she should not demand so much from him or be more understanding. As far as what I meant by telling is that in a healthy relationship you just tell your partner stuff you don't ever think to edit yourself. Hey I saw my ex today you just say that you don't think maybe I should omit it? You think the opposite I need to tell it. Addicts living in secrecy don't think the same way. She needs to tell him to tell her every single thing.

 

It's not.

 

I think the ultimate answer is he's not going to change unless he wants to. You have very clearly laid out what you want. Him responding he did not know he should tell you and arguing semantics is just his way of trying to justify and gaslight. It got so bad with my ex that I would send things via text or record the conversation because he would regularly say I had not asked him not to do something or told him something please do not let his tricks fool you . There really is no answer on what you can do he has to take the action you can't fix this. That's hard to swallow. All you can do is set boundaries and have consequences when he crosses them. And know he may not change so you need to accept that or leave.

 

Well it's so hard to tell..
Everyones back story's and all this stuff that's completely off topic.
I'm going to keep it short because not every answer needs to be a novel.
If he doesn't want to stop omitting, you then have a problem.
You can either say that you want some boundaries for this, if this is violating to correct it or you can show by example that this bothers you to that point repeatedly violating your comfort zone - because at this point, in your opinion, he should know or you wouldn't have written this thread.
Either way actions speak louder than words if he's not listening.

 

Wanting a SO to be honest and genuine isn't putting them under a microscope, its something that we should all want in relationships. What I'm referring to is that once you express yourself to him, which according to your posts you have, then don't spend your time and energy looking for "gotcha" moments. Not every story shared or thought express needs to be MICRO-analysed, aka, don't go looking for any white, black, brown, blue or green lie that you can find; you'll end up exhausted. While he is the one with the PMO issue here, both partners have to come to the table with a desire to fix the relationship for it to work in the end.

"He is the one using non gender pronouns. He is the one avoiding the context."

What are YOU doing to perpetuate this? What are YOU doing to work towards a solution?

The answers might be "nothing at all" and "everything possible" but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be asking these questions, in regards to every day you spend together and every argument you end up in.

I agree with GG and Kenzi in that once you share what you need, he is either going to change or he's not; its mostly about effort on his end.

Remember, coming to online forums or support groups is an opportunity to see a different perspective or hear ideas/advice from multiple sides of an issue. It can be tough, but try to absorb as many different views as you can. While you don't have to settle on them as what you choose to believe in the end, it can really help to come to a balanced final opinion.

Keep at it!