My introduction and confession. Beating that curse.

I want to use this post to introduce myself and get something of my chest...

My story with PMO began when I was around 14 years old in 2009. I had masturbated occasionally but had no access to Internet P*rn or used any visual aid as in videos.
But one summer night when my parents were gone and I was on my own, my curiosity got the best of me and I switched through the different TV programs until I found those programs for sexual calls etc. One thing led to another and I did the deed.
Now this seems pretty harmless but the circumstances where pretty tragic and what I did was f'ed up ...
A person dear to me died just a couple hours ago and my parents where driving to the hospital to give them their last good bye.
In that moment I was just running on autopilot or was controlled by something demonic. I regret those actions very much ...

A short period after this I got my first Computer and started watching Porn. At first PMO didn't affect me really. I talked to girls, learned to flirt. But I got older and somehow my confidence decreased and around 17 I got self conscious because I was still a virgin. So I became really desperate with girls (I later understood that I should have kept my cool, but friends were telling me that it isn't normal to still be a virgin at 18)

In short my confidence decreased and it was a downward spiral. But I never thought that PMO could be the problem. Until ...

I had a panic attack at around Age 20. I was just looking at P*rn on Google pictures. My eyes caught a GIF/Video with some f'ed up stuff and out of shock I immediately closed my browser and got a panic attack. On this day I found Nofap through a TED Talk and even started to cry after I realized that PMO is bad for me.

Fast forward to 2023, I am a 27 year old virgin and I still am addicted to PMO and even developed a Sissy Fetish.

So because I couldn't beat this addiction, I always thought I was cursed or punished in this regard because of my past actions on that night in 2009. I never told anyone about it, which is why I wanted to finally get it off my chest. And I hope, that I can start my redemption in front of God and my loved one.

I got on this forum to find accountability partners and likeminded people. If you need an accountability partner hit me up.
I hope my story doesn't make me seem like a monster.

PS: Excuse my english, my first language is german