My introduction - keeping sexuality a secret

I want to start by saying that I feel like the guy at narcotics anonymous who is a pot smoker. My struggle with porn seems minor compared to many, but it has been a painful, shameful part of my life and I feel grateful to share.

I started masturbating in my early teen years. It was incredibly exciting to look at playboy magazines on sleepovers with my best friend. My family was Christian and Irish, and I ended up with an inherent belief that my sexual urges were bad. I was caught with porn a handful of times at a teenager, and the shame was immense. Somehow, that shame, the secretiveness of porn, and the basic reality that I am a sexual person all became bound together. I grew to believe that my sexuality was something to be acted on in private, and that it was bad and wrong, even though it felt so damn good.

I never moved on from soft-core. I never developed a taste for watching people have sex on camera. But I absolutely love looking at photos of beautiful naked women. When I get the thought to do it, it is hard to get it out of my head. "Just one quick search on incognito mode. I won't even masturbate, I'll just look..."

My porn use has ebbed and flowed over the years. Fast forward to now, I am 34 years old and 2 years into marriage. I have looked at porn periodically: sometimes every few days, sometimes every few weeks. When my wife and I are apart for some nights, I almost always take that as an opportunity to drop back into my secret sexual life.

I have found my desire for sex with my wife over time getting less and less. This I attribute to deeper emotional intimacy issues. But I think growing up looking at porn has left me feeling my sexuality is meant to be secret, not shared with someone else. It is some sort of primal urge that comes up and I just want to satisfy it and make it go away.

Now that I am married, I have the opportunity to open myself sexually with an amazing woman. I am here on NoFap for some accountability and to share openly without shame. I have never discussed porn with my wife, but the guilt of it is absolutely crushing at times.

The other day I didn't even watch porn, but I did masturbate. When my wife came home that evening, she was clearly in the mood for intimacy, but I felt pathetic and deflated. So I have decided to start my counter on that last masturbation, and commit to saving myself for my wife alone. It has been a couple weeks since I looked at porn, but this feels like a good place to start the counter.

I feel grateful to have a place to voice these feelings and see how many other men are going through their own struggle with porn. I open "incognito mode" for NoFap, and I feel proud of myself for doing something healthy and constructive for once after clicking that button.

I will start with a 90 day goal of no porn or masturbation, and saving my orgasms for my wife only.

 

Thanks for reading, man!

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I also feel this is totally fixable. The urges to look at porn have usually come from moments of boredom, anxiety, or self-pity. They're small moments that seem insignificant and avoidable. When it's just me in my secret world, it's easy to end up down the porn rabbit hole.

All I need is a good reason to stop and some accountability. This community and this forum is providing me that.

 

This has been a major success so far. With the accountability of NoFap, I have not been seeing that casual move of "just a quick look at some porn" as an option. I am posting now because I had that urge, and decided to open NoFap instead.

Without draining my sexual energy into porn and masturbation, my sex life in my marriage has dramatically improved. I don't have this secret thing that I am ashamed of any more, and I see my wife as my true outlet for sexual expression. Holding myself to that "limitation" is what I want to commit to. This is what marriage means to me. That powerful force of sexual energy is given to my chosen woman.

So thank you to NoFap and this forum for the simple act of existing so that I feel accountable to staying true to my conviction.

 

I had a disappointing sexual experience last night with my wife that brought me right back into some old insecurities. I felt extremely frustrated and angry with myself. "Why can't sex be simple for me?" It made me want to go back to the computer, something that was always so easy. I even had a dream last night that my wife gave tacit approval of my use of PMO, and I was relishing in the anticipation.

Today, I became curious about a beautiful actress. My first thought was to look her up and see if she's done nude scenes. This used to be so automatic. But I didn't do it this time.

I am posting here because I've been feeling this building shame and I want to recommit to my goals here. I have not acted on the urge, even though it has been difficult, and I am proud of myself for that. It has not been a silver bullet for my sexual insecurities, and I want to accept that as well. I often expect magical changes, and when things fall short of that, I get very discouraged. So this is me sticking with my goal and staying realistic and grateful for you all.

 

I have made it 153 days without looking at porn or even masturbating. All of my sexual activity has been with my wife. In this time, we conceived a child. I'm going to be a dad! It's amazing.

We are apart now for almost a month. It's been almost 2 weeks since we last had sex, and I am feeling very strong sexual urges. Every sexy woman I see on the street, on tv, on youtube recommended videos is making me want to slip back into my old habit. I want to go on incognito mode and see pictures of beautiful naked women. But instead I am re-committing to my goal. I am taking it one day at a time.

I start to feel shame as soon as I want to look at porn, but I haven't even done anything yet. There is no shame in feelings. There is no shame in strong sexual urges. There is no shame in that powerful primal surge. Can I sit with it? Can I metabolize it? Can I let it flow through me without wasting it on something flat and meaningless?

Can I feel the power of sexual desire without wanting to squander it? Can it make me stand taller in the world and act with greater purpose? I am here for it.

 

After 361 days, I am starting the counter over at 0. I am trying to be with this shame without spiraling down. I made an impulsive choice. I’m not perfect. I’m feeling sad. Why did I do this?

 

I am here because I really want to look right now. Instead I am writing this thread. After breaking my year-long streak, it's been hard to recommit. We have a beautiful 2 month year old baby at home. My wife and I are on a hiatus from our sex life in the meantime, while she recovers from a very intense natural birth.

I feel somewhat torn about porn right now. It is very easy to justify: I have sexual needs, these urges are a real, true part of myself. Isn't there a healthy way to channel my sexual urges by looking at beautiful naked women? Who am I harming, if I do this every few days, and keep it in check? I've been with this question a lot lately. I don't really know who to believe on the topic. Many sex therapists have no issues with moderate porn use. This site seems to take an all-or-nothing stance, like NA or AA programs do with substances. All this to say, I am feeling confused and doubtful. I want to look at a beautiful naked women right now and masturbate, but I am not going to do it. I will feel better tomorrow morning if I do not.

Here is my commitment: I will abstain from Porn for the month of April. If I get a strong urge, I will open this forum instead and write about how I am feeling. Or I will meditate on the feelings arising. I will look at this energy, not deny it, but feel it deeply without acting it out.

God, it would be so easy just to open a tab and do a quick search. I hate how easy it is. How just a tiny curious, bored, horny thought can set it in motion. Feels good to be writing again.