My Introduction :-(

Hi... I'm Emily and I am a cross-dresser.

For the sake of anonymity I am using my feminine name.

I am 56 years old and have been dressing in girls clothes since the age of puberty which was around 10. I am married to the same lady for 30 years. I have 3 adult children, all of whom are good standing members of society. I have a good life, good job, house, car and have been able to provide for my family over the years and continue to do so. My wife does not know about my penchant for the female form.

It all started with going through my moms underwear drawer. The touch and smell coupled with the raging hormones of a pubescence boy set the stage and imprinted on me how I masturbate today. I was a very typical young boy growing up. Was in the Boy Scouts, was an alter boy. I had a few girl friends but didn't engage in sex until I was about 17 as a senior in high school. I was more interested in camping and hiking than hanging out with girls. I was never interested in same sex interactions and this is still true today for the most part.

My sketchy behavior began as a young teen by stealing lingerie. A chance bra or panty on a clothes line left out overnight. It was like low hanging fruit. Discarded clothing left on the curb were an easy target for me when no one was looking. Mom's stockings in the hamper that we kept in the bathroom. All easy things to get a hold of. I would hide things under my bed or under my mattress.

When I moved out of the house around 18 years old it opened up the ability to have more stuff. I was able to buy my first breast forms from a Sears catalog and have it delivered. Now I could really look like a girl. I lived in a building that had a laundry room so here was another opportunity to pilfer something sexy. It was around this time that I discovered the donation bins outside of a local church that was overflowing with clothes. It was a virtual treasure chest that allowed me to have real women's clothes of all shapes and sizes and fashion. Always respectful for the location and very discreet, I never made a mess of things and would actually clean things up a bit. I didn't have to really hide anything in my apartment either because I lived alone. I didn't dress up much and it was only for masturbation purposes and of course once I ejaculated I would take the clothes off and store them away without a second thought. Throughout this period I had normal relationships with both sexes. Good friendships, hung out, partied, had an affair with a married lady, had plenty of girl friends, worked a good job and all that. Really quite normal to all outward appearance. Met my wife during this time, got married, had children, changed jobs several times... blah blah blah.

Having a regular job allowed me to go out and buy things for myself. Hiding them in various places. I've purged many times over the years only to go out and buy more things. I've finally given up and have a very extensive wardrobe. I have better lingerie than my wife.

Several years ago I started a job where I only had to work 3 days a week and this has lead me to dressing a lot more and staying that way for most of the day. No one was home so I could finally be a women for a longer period of time. Time to put makeup on and experiment. Buying wigs and shoes and sex toys. Playing the part of a sexy whore all in the confines of my home.

CraigsList (CL) allowed me to search for someone who I might be able to meet as a girl and have sex. This was right around the time that CL stopped the dating portion and with it went my outlet for finding a guy. Of course I found a replacement for CL and so over the past year or so I upped my game and had sex with a few men, protected anal and oral. None of them worked out to be long term of course. They wanted me to come back for more but I never did, ashamed of what I did. BTW If you saw me dressed you would be quite impressed with how I look. I have taken so many pictures and sent them to so many guys, looking for the right opportunity. I've purged my email account several times due to backing out with meeting a guy for sex that I know I shouldn't be having.

Today, right now, I am struggling. Everything is a trigger for me. I see a hot girl and I want to be her. I want to have sex with her and be the object a of guys sexual desires. I look at porn and I want to be that girl. I wear panties under my clothes when it's safe and I wont get caught. I masturbate once or twice a day when I am home. When I work I don't so there could be a stretch of several days where I wont.

Sex with my wife is non existent. She has had several run-ins with cancer that has left her with no libido. I still love her and try to get her excited to no avail. We otherwise have a good loving relationship. Except of course for my secret. I have managed to keep this up for 30 years of marriage and she can never know.

I love wearing lingerie. I love masturbation, so.. it sucks to be me and to live in my skin. Living a lie to my friends and family.
I guess I'm reaching out for help but if I'm not ready to give up some things I'm not sure I can be helped.
-Emily-

 

Thanks for your reply.
Yes, I have considered opening up to her. Over the years (30 to be exact) there have been plenty of opportunities only to find her opinion on the matter to be very christian conservative.
Giving up this aspect of my life is the difficult part and I suppose the reason for me reaching out and seeking support.
My friends and significant other find me to be a great person, empathetic, warm and caring and this side of me has kept me more in tune with my wife and her needs over the years and through the many changes she's had to endure. Peoples knowledge of what I do will change 'their' perception of me. However, 'I' am still that same caring person. Isn't this what the forbidden fruit gave us??? Knowledge, and that changed everything.