I need to spew My feeling out. it’s best to write them down when the person I choose to be in my life, doesn’t listen, numb to my voice. Annoyed by me.Void of responsibility and feeling. I’m doing this journal to get it all of the thoughts off my chest. To put my story down in words and I may just learn something about myself. Maybe gain some perspective from putting this mess into words at least. It’s prob going to be a long story but Any insights, thoughts and questions are welcome along the way. I kick myself everyday! There were red flags! WTF is wrong with me! Why didn’t I believe my gut instincts? The proof I was seeing in front of my face? Why did believe the excuses? And all the “it’s not what it looks like”? I feel duped! I should’ve known better ;( My prior relationship was awful. Was cheated on, I suspected and was lied to for years and eventually discover the proof of a 3am atm withdraw, call to a number. I called the number, was a brothel. I’d remembered he was flat broke the next day I saw him. He got the “full service” I guess. It was the lies that I could not forgive. He was still lying about details I secretly had proof of. He wasn’t going to change. But looking back, he prob had a porn/sex addiction also.porn was hidden everywhere and phone sex ads he kept. I was so relieved to let that unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship go. Never having to think of that whole 8yrs again. I felt like I wasted so much mental energy investigating what my gut already knew. At 28 yes old I vowed to never waste time doing that again.I wanted an honest, open Man. I felt like I knew exactly what I needed to look for. I promised myself not to let the last relationship ruin my trust and faith in anyone. I didn’t want to be a jaded,man hating, untrusting person. Ending it felt like a weight off my chest and shoulders. I felt positive, refreshed and on a mission.., sorta not really.. just enjoying my own time, relaxed and spending time with friends and family as much as I could but felt like I knew my worth and knew what I was looking for. I’ve always been the one in the family to help out, the glue. Organized everything. Be there to help everyone. My mum had a break down and still isn’t the same. I was 21 yrs old and I took on full guardianship of my then 7 yr old bro and 15 yr old sis in. My bro was the last to move out in 2014 at 17 years when he wanted to. I was pretty much a single Mum. At 23 yrs old Saved for a deposit. Dedicated day and night searching for land I could afford, and built a home. Somehow I made it happen(while with a lying cheating ass). I was so proud. I could provide a stable home for my siblings and not have to move all the time when our rental sells. Value in the home grew. I had broken up with the lazy lying asshole. I felt like I was on the right track One day my eldest bro invited me to his BBQ get together. I went.....When I’m sad or angry, I sometimes wish I never went to that stupid BBQ. From that day till current I’ve been/being lied to. I feel like I’ve been robbed of my sanity, time, love and money and at 34 the possibility of having a child,before it’s too late. I was in a great state of mind and heart, headed out one beautiful day to enjoy some company at my brothers BBQ when I met (I’ll call him)*Arthur. Confident yet shy. Strong,proud ex service man. He made me laugh and appeared to have great values. Looked like a great uncle, great work ethic.I had eventually opened up about my woe’s of the prior relationship and what I learnt I needed from a relationship . Response to the ex’s lies were “pussy” . His response to my dislike of porn,especially hidden and lied about.” Grown out of that shit” . I emphasized how much I value honesty and openness, to which he agreed. Sounds like the perfect guy eh? Or maybe a guy that knows the perfect thing to say. * I have NOW learnt; u cannot ask a dishonest person if they are honest. U prob won’t get an honest answer. Only way to determine an honest person is consistent honest behavior and actions . I believed whole heartedly. Who wants to be that jaded lady anyway?? How Naive I was..... first clue. Bobbi pins in his bathroom which he says could possibly be his young nieces. Ok maybe possible but I can barely keep them things in my hair let alone a 5 year old with the finest hair I have ever seen. Many years later after dismissing his explanations as they didn’t add up he admitted the ex possibly left them there after dropping off their dog. ( I had always been told she would go via back gate to drop and collect. Never inside...) Second clue 7 months into our relationship,Women’s underwear in his sock drawer. Perfectly folded in the middle Of a stack of beanies and sorts positioned along the back corner. I saw it when he was finding gloves for me. He covered it hoping I had t seen it. Surely the look of shock on my face would’ve confirmed that? In that moment I thought to myself again, “don’t be jaded. Give him a chance to talk to u about it..” Ever wish u had a time machine?Well I never did until I met this one. I’ve been through a shit load and come through it. I appreciate the lessons, find the silver lining... but just this one moment in time I Fucking kick myself for. I didn’t know at the time just how much I would hate myself for not being more assertive. Confident. I should’ve grabbed them straight away and questioned him.... but I didn’t....I waited for him to come to me about what we saw. I alluded to the fact. I said if u have things u need to sort with your ex please tell me and I will leave. They had a long relationship after all and I was the new girl. I wasn’t going to get between something if there was still something going on. He insisted that that was over n doesn’t want anything to do with her anymore. Weeks later when nothing was mentioned I asked.. he looked at me confused and said I don’t know what u are talking about. There’s nothing there.....WTF. I actually doubted myself..did I see something else.... I tricked him after we were married by slipping in a question which was, did u figure out who’s underwear was in your draw.and he replied nah don’t know. Existence of undies confirmed after years telling me I was delusional and was “crazy and seeing things”( while mockingly smirking) turns out he did nothing wrong, don’t know who how or where they came from so he threw them out. Then continued to lie to me because he made himself look guilty.... I have asked but without a good answer, why were they never assumed to be mine??? 7 months into dating and that thought never crossed his mind. It still appears to me to be the actions of a guilty person that has something to hide. I was told he and ex broke off many months prior, was a sexless r-ship and moved out. Third clue.; “Never slept with anyone in this bed” referring to his new bed before we were first intimate. He was shaving sex with her up until or on the day he met me then apparently stopped. My fourth clue, or red flag I should call it: Found my housemate knew a lady from Arthurs work. Suddenly she was blocked on Arthurs Facebook. He said she was a trouble maker. I thought that was extremely odd. Turns out they had a work sexting relationship. All these things came out after marriage. And I can’t believe there’s so much more to this story... these were just the early days......This is all only the first 7 months of dating..! that’s a BRIEF overview of the first 7 months, with many more lies pebbled though-out I just haven’t bothered including.I’ll finish for tonight and continue another time. Apologies if anything doesn’t make sense. This is a quick ramble to un clutter my mind.