Need to start this. Times are hard in my mind. This is just a post to anchor it here. It's morning now and I woke up rested, after caffeine I feel more hopeful. Soon the dead inside and the vomiting feelings will start and I'll start to browse through here when I can and read accounts from 'rebooting','success stories$,' 'new to reboot$, SO forum. Then I'll probably cry a little when my kid naps,or late after he's gonna to sleep. All day with this shit in my mind. A few days ago I sent a letter to my husband about my feelings on his PA and what I think has to happen next. It was the first time I mentioned this theory of PA so not sure how it's gonna go- especially since he's working away for 2weeks(but meeting at weekend). I would have rather he was closer and read that but I couldn't bare the thought of him fapping in his work trip. As if he still doesn't do it,ha. Read the book 'your brain on porn'. I felt sick. It describes so much of my reality, our reality. Well now waiting for a follow up talk about my long email to him. Hi reactions since that letter have been 'promising'. But the hard work for me I sense is not to be hopeful to easily and believe what I want to believe. So since he's read thebketter and seen the video 'the great porn experiment' he didn't mention it to me. But contrary to the behaviour he have fallen in, we face timed me every night since then wanting to talk about random things ..small chat and just hang out on phone. He kind of passed that phase before our kid was born 2yrs ago so that's a change. Here I am.. biting my tongue and afraid to mention shit to him as I don't want him to get defensive..not until at least we are face to face. I hate arguing and arguing by typed word is even shittier. Last evening he had work drinks and called me to show me the live music there (Bob Dylan): knowing I love this stuff,and saying he wants to take me on a date this Saturday when he comes to us. That's again thoughtful behaviour not displayed for ages now. Also it can be covering tracks. He's not a talker and not the type inclined to any introspection unless pushed. But he had been saying that one of the qualities in our marriage is that I bring up stuff and help us analyse and talking though in such clear ways and that it's always better after that (he grew up in a family where everyone pretended everything was fine ---- didn't most of us though.. ha). I've had some therapy ages ago as a consequence of the failing of my first marriage and that gave me some tools to dig up stuff in constructive ways. But I'm no therapist I'm no psychologist. And I don't want to be that in our marriage . He also said last night that he'd like to have another baby. We have a 2yrs old and the second one due in June (big mistake to me...I was never keen but he was).. now he says maybe we should have another ?. LOL that's just distracting behaviour. I think he thinks this is one of the things I might wish for,or he translated having a family with him with a good marriage,so he's like 'let's cement this once and for all'. It did make me laugh that idea. A bitter laugh. I feel cynical and sick. But again I couldn't challenge him on that as I hate discussing serious stuff when not face to face. I'm trying hard to rationalize things. The PA theory helps. It also breaks my heart. I'm making a conscious effort every moment to not imagine and obsess about his sneaky porn sessions. But it's hard to not remember, to forget. I don't know what hurts more. Him glaring at those women or him just not comprehending that it's hurtful to me.