My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TheWife, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hello all,

    I need some advice to help me get into a better head space. And the ice cream supplies are running dangerously low, so I need to snap out of this self pity before my sugar level flat-lines.

    My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for nearly 10. My husband confirmed he has a porn addiction 3 days ago. It was an email I found to some call girls to arrange a get-together whilst he was on a business trip that brought everything to a head. He apparently did not go through with it, but then again he is an addict and a liar, so who knows.

    We have talked about where he is at. He is realizing that at all the low points in our marriage correlate to when he was using a lot of porn. He has been a heavy user the past two years and is escalating, hence the email to the call girls.

    I am angry, sad, confused and angry. Did I mention I was angry? Yup, very angry. How dare he risk our marriage, put our future in danger and have such disrespect for me and our family. Angry.

    I have given him an ultimatum. Now the ball is in his court. He has to do the work to fix it. I said I would be supportive (a brief moment of clarity amongst the anger) and I will once I can wrap my head around this situation.

    I love my husband very much. He is intelligent, funny and a lot of fun. We have a great time together and have had some amazing times over our relationship. But I will not put up with this. We have 2 small children. I refuse to let them see their father treat their mother with such disrespect. I refuse to be a doormat. I will model good healthy relationships, and if my husband does not get help and fix this problem, then I will take my children and leave.

    I understand that we are dealing with addiction here. A sickness. But jeez, it just seems like a bit of a cop out. An excuse. I need him to take full responsibility and deal with the consequences without being able to blame something else. (Yes, I do see this is the anger talking).

    I have watched Ted talks great porn experiment. In fact, I showed it to my husband during the "discussion" that followed on from discovering the email. It was something that I stumbled upon a few weeks ago and there were some signs that it matched some symptoms. He has now done some extra research and has said he is an addict. He has said he will get some professional help with an addiction specialist. I have now been to the yourbrainonporn website to find out more about this addiction.

    I need some help with resources for me. I refuse to sit here enraged, in self pity and wallow in chocolate cake. How do I snap out of this, preferably before I need to dig out my maternity clothes from the attic? How can I get an understanding of this beast? What am I up against? I don't know where to start as it is all so confusing and difficult to accept.

    I have also come here as I need someone to talk to. To let it out. I have contained my rage with my husband, as exploding on him will not help either of us. I have lived in my husbands home country for the past 4 years. My home country, with my family and close friends, is 25,000kms away. I have friends here but they are also my husband friends. I also am not great with the language, I'm working on it, but not at the stage where I could express all that is going through my head in this language (although I do know enough swear words to get me by). Hell, I am struggling to find the words in English.

    So, please give me your top tips and advice for partners. Where do I start and what will I see going through this? What can we expect on the road ahead? Any suggestions to reduce the rage so I don't neuter my husband? How successful are people in beating the addiction? Any help would be greatly appreciated by me, and my bathroom scales.

    Thanks
     
  2. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I'm very sorry for your situation. There are a lot of posts on NF that mirror yours... I caught my husband, boyfriend, significant other. All show how an addiction not only destroys the addict it sends shrapnel out into wives, husbands and others. Every situation is similar yet different. I can relate to your circumstances as a husband who failed his wife. There are a couple wives on here that can give you their perspective... Limeaid and Blondewife are actively rebuilding their relationships.

    Anger is a normal reaction. But while it serves a function to let off steam, you realize from your own words, it won't get anything done. Your emotions will probably run a whole gamut for a while. What you feel is real, and the hurt and pain should be expressed openly to your husband.

    I took notice that you "found out" instead of your husband coming to you. I would have to believe that he did in fact connect with call girls at one point or another. That leads me to my first suggestion. He needs to get tested for any STD's. Depending on his choices, you could be at risk of HIV, or genital herpes. HIV can be avoided pretty much by using condoms, but herpes is easier to catch - condoms only partially protect. He needs to come clean about this for your well-being, even if it hurts emotionally.

    You had mentioned your husband admits he is an addict and is willing to get help. You've also given him an ultimatum. I highly encourage a no holds bar approach like you've laid down. Clean up or else. He sees his problem and is saying he will see a counselor. I would suggest you go as a couple if at all possible. If not, then I highly recommend marriage counseling at some point in the future. Recognizing you're an addict being open to seeking help are very big first steps for your husband - he needs to know you'll stand by him - as hard as that may be.

    IMHO - on your end you need to spend some time finding yourself in the midst of everything. You mentioned very poignantly how you love your husband. 10 years of marriage is a lot... and I'm always, always for keeping marriages together. That being said he has to do his part and prove to you he is cleaning up. It will be very easy for you to self-destruct too. I understand the self-deprecation on overeating, but it can become an issue in itself. If there is one thing I can impart is that this has nothing to do with your husband's love for you. It has to do with unresolved emotional issues he is carrying. Guys go into porn addictions because they can't handle life and it's relationships. While women may think men are tough and masculine, they are also like anyone else.... questioning who they are, and worrying about life.

    Finally, you have a great sense of humor... Don't neuter your husband! It's probably illegal anyway! Besides, let's hope this works out... and you don't want to be married to a eunuch. I do have to give you the reality though. Expect ups and downs for a period of time. I can't define how long, but more than likely he will succeed and fail in cycles. I hope for your sake and his, he comes clean, staying there cold turkey, but in most cases, this is a process over time. Counseling helps. education also helps. Here's a couple good books I'd recommend, "Shadows of the Net" and "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes.

    IMHO - This will take several years... 3 maybe 5 to restore your marriage back to a trusting state. At some point (not right now) you will have to forgive him for being an ass. Forgive does not mean forget, it means giving up the right to retaliate, hold a grudge and be angry. In many instances, couples come back together even stronger because it forces both partners to work together to rebuild the relationship. I would encourage you to take care of yourself first and foremost - along with the children. There are no guarantees things will work out. On the other hand, if you love him, you'll want the best for him. I owe my own wife dearly for telling me in no uncertain terms, clean up or get out.

    I wish you both the best... and your marriage and life together is worth fighting for!
     
  3. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Handzfree! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. You have given me some good points.

    I am off to Amazon now to get the books suggested! Huzzah, new reading! I am excited as "toddler taming" is really a dull read.

    I read through Blondewifes story last night.bwhat an amazing couple. Will look at Limeaide later today. I started to search for stories for partners and got a bit scared. I am quite frightened to loose everything - my husband and break up our family. I use humor to try deflect as this is really painful.

    I am quite aware of what I am feeling. I know anger is not helping. I am not sure what feeling is next but we'll see soon enough. It is like a f'ed up lucky dip - what do I get to feel today. I am making sure that I don't become an emotional eater, and with two little rascals to chase after I burn everything off pretty quick. I have been reading I need to take care of me and my needs. The old oxygen mask theory, put my own on before helping others.

    I have articulated a list of non negotiable item for my husband and testing for STDs was on that list. He has agreed.

    Thank you for saying this has nothing to do with my husbands love for me. Seems this is really a common issue for all spouses. I usually have great self-esteem. This has knocked me around. I am beautiful, sexy and very adventurous but I cannot compete with HSIP. My sex drive was always much higher than his. In my head he is choosing this over me. But from what I am learning this is not a mutually exclusive choice. He is stuck chasing the unreal, the fantasy, the screen and the addiction. He is seeing everything with a filter, especially me.

    3 to 5 years? Well that sucks. For sickness and in health, hey. I am scared that this will always be the thorn in our side. What if it never resolves? I don't want to fight this battle forever....I don't know that I have that much strength. I see a lot of people here relapsing (not sure of the proper terms yet). I will fight for our marriage and will do this one day at a time. In the meantime, I will take pleasure in the little things like this soon-to-be-ex-tarte-aux-fraise with a chocolate chaser!
     
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  4. CountryDude

    CountryDude Fapstronaut

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    You seem to be dealing with it pretty well. I mean with regards to the possibility of him having cheated, or attempting to cheat (as far as to send an email at least).

    With regards to his P addiction. If it makes you feel any better, there is probably not a man below his 40s (definitely 30s) within 100km that doesn't watch porn regularly. Most of them are probably addicts and don't know it. They have probably been hooked their entire adult lives.

    I am a sex addict, not only a porn addict. I have lost count how many times I have cheated on my family. Trust me, it is not something I want to do, and if he has cheated on you - it isn't something he has had much control over (this is if he is a sex addict). And it hurts really badly to be in this existence. I am sure he wants nothing more than to get out.

    With regards to STDs. It is a good idea for him to get tested for peace of mind's sake, though the odds are he hasn't got anything.

    You should take some time to yourself and stay strong. He has to climb out of this hole himself. You can of course give him a helping hand, but there isn't much you can do, other than be supportive. This is a battle with himself.
     
  5. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Countrydude. I appreciate your insights from the other perspective.

    Well today I feel a bit better. Much less rage. Much less eating. No ugly crying (but days not over yet). I'm getting into a better space to approach being the supportive wife my husband needs.

    I have been doing some research and reading some of the treads here. Some still scare the crap out of me, all of the people who sadly have such long ongoing battles against urges. Others are quite comforting, that there are so many others in this same predicament.

    We had a great talk today. We are committed to talking everyday. This is hard for us both. I am a bit of a one to bottle my emotions and I run for the hills at the first sign of conflict. Not great for any relationship. And he is battling with getting to grips with his addiction and being able to talk about it. We're going to work on it together. I'm going to find some tools to help us communicate better.

    My husband is really committed to stopping the porn. He knows that if he doesn't he'll lose us. Can't get much more motivation than that. I believe him and I am going to support him.

    We're a great couple and we are going to conquer this addiction one day at a time.

    So where would I find info on what stages he'll go through, what are the withdrawal symptoms and when do they hit? I tried to find this but got a bit lost. I'll try again the the reboot forum but does anyone have a link to articles or videos about what to expect? I know tough days are around the corner and I need to make sure I have adequate ice cream for those times.
     
  6. Strugglesaurus

    Strugglesaurus Fapstronaut

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    Hello, TheWife.

    I'm just here to provide a bit of an info dump. ;)

    A youtube channel about PA(porn addiction) : https://www.youtube.com/user/SacredSexualityVlog

    Another youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCaEqbNJURD6ChROqueUdNuA/videos

    Your Brain on Porn is an invaluable website for information about everything: http://yourbrainonporn.com/reboot_your_brain
    And the FAQ: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us

    As for your communication issues, my fiance and I have started reading Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and it is wonderful. We read a chapter together aloud 3 times a week. I really, really recommend picking it up and sitting down with him. I can already see a difference in the way we communicate.

    I'm so very sorry you are yet another woman going through this horrible burden. I understand how you feel down to the very last word. I also use humor to deflect in the form of sarcasm, and it doesn't typically go over well when I bring it into conversations with my SO. I just want to say that you don't have to deflect with humor here, you can let out your feelings and clear your head a bit. It's very therapeutic.

    My fiance has made it almost 200 days now, and I'm so proud. He's changed so much; it is possible. I do have doubts as to whether it will last, how long we'll be dealing with this, if he is lying to me, etc. The trust is still not quite there, and, dealing with a porn addiction myself (yay!), it is much harder on both of us to rebuild our relationship on stable ground.

    Very glad you're here, please keep posting and keeping us updated. It seems that your husband genuinely wants to change, and that is the biggest hurdle of it all in my eyes.
     
  7. Knight Solaire

    Knight Solaire Fapstronaut

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    This place is wonderful and I would sure like to meet your husband. I'm sure we can relate very heavily to each other in this addiction. I have made many life long friends though this community and a lot of them are in the same position as your husband and me.

    Strugglesaurus and I have been together 2 years, but we have spent the last fighting against our addictions and problems. Haggis and Blondewife are our APs and we guide each other through the rough patches of day to day life. I promise we can help you and your husband get through this.

    Posting here and making a journal will do nothing, but help you guys understand. I wish you and your husband the greatest of luck and hope he decides to make an account here.
     
  8. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Over the past few days I feel like I have made a heap of progress. For now anyway, I know that the two steps back is just waiting to jump up and person slap me back down. I think that writing here helps sort through the many thoughts and emotions that race through my head. I can now understand why so many people journal.

    So, in recognition of that, I will start my journal! <fireworks, music and mass celebrations>

    This is hard. Everyday there are so many ups and downs. My mind still races through all the thoughts and emotions. My two kids are keeping me very busy, so I don't have time to dwell.

    I have two children. A two and a half year old girl who is very, very active, dislike vegetables with a great passion and is extremely inquisitive - I call her Squeaks. I also have The Dude. My little 7 month old boy. He's such a happy and very active baby. I love them to bits. Sometimes I wonder if my husband is fighting for our marriage or to keep the kids. I hope it's for both.

    The hardest thing is that I feel like it is all out of my control. This is my husbands journey. He is driving the train and I am just a passenger. He needs to do the work, I can't do it for him. All I can do is support, where possible. It sucks! It wasn't my fuck up but I am paying for it dearly. It's not fair. I guess this is the 'for worse' part of those pesky marriage vows.

    In my control is to act based on his journey - I have decided that if he doesn't take positive actions, then I will leave. He is very aware of this. The analogy he used when we were discussing this was a smoker who was told that the next cigarette would definitely kill them. You just wouldn't smoke it. It would be hard but the alternative is much worse. He is saying all the right things. Now I want to see the actions...

    I have suggested that he find an accountability partner. I don't know if he will come here or will go elsewhere. I will leave that up to him to do what he is comfortable with. I showed him this thread and said I was going to continue with this. He was very impressed by the kind responses. It is doing great things for me to be able to express what I am going through. I also have not spoken about this to anyone but my partner. It is his addiction. It is his choice who he shares this with. So, here I am friendly internet strangers!

    I have a great fear of becoming the nagging wife. Of checking and rechecking on my husband. I do not want to fall into that role in our relationship. I need to balance this with my current lack of trust, where I need to know what he is doing and be assured he is not watching any more porn (or partaking in any other asshole-ish behavior). It seems like it's a fine line between the two. Hopefully he can help me find that balance. In the meantime, more conversations.

    I am going to do some things for me. I am heading out with some girlfriends tomorrow night, which will be a hoot. I am also looking at the book you suggested Strugglesaurus. Thank you for that. I spend most of my time taking care of my family. I do not get time to do things for me. So that is going to change. I will take a moment each day to relax and do some reading. Or perhaps find myself a hobby. I'm not working at the moment as I am a stay at home mom. I have just started looking for a new role and revamping the resume. It will be good to get out of the house and away from peppa bloody pig.

    I have been browsing through the forum and through the yourbrainonporn website. Damn this is a tough issue. So many people affected and such destruction it reeks on peoples lives. Sadly, I can now say I know this first hand.

    Thank you Strugglesaurus and Sun Bro for taking the time to respond. Wow, 200 days. Congratulations! And to you too, Strugglesaurus- I read your journal and you are one brave lady. My hat off to you both. And congratulations on your engagement.
     
  9. WOTL

    WOTL Fapstronaut

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    I felt nervous reading your story because it could have been me. The only difference is that my wife did not catch me. I confessed it to her when I was already in therapy. The addiction to porn often escalates to other behaviors like massage parlors and call girls. But your husband needs to come clean and tell you what he did. He should not lie. He does not need to share the details of what he did but he needs to tell you whether he visited these calls girls in the past. Otherwise, it will be extremely difficult for you to trust him again because you will have to live with an unbearable doubt. It is better to come clean and be honest, ask for forgiveness and be relentless with the recovery work than pretending that there was no escalation behavior. There are those who just looked at porn and there are those who went beyond. The only way of preventing a relapse is to tell the truth, not in all the painful details, but by broad category of behaviors. You have a right to know where you stand and he has an obligation to tell the truth. I wish you all the best in these difficult times. My recommendation would be the book "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. This book probably saved my marriage, my family and ultimately my life.
     
  10. Traci

    Traci Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear about your problem.

    I am an OLD guy (72) who has been addicted all my life, starting at age 12. I recently told my wife about my addiction and asked her to help keep me accountable. We have a fantastic relationship (28 years) but our Libidos are not in synch. My PMO has made the situation worse because when she is ready for me, I was frequently not at peak interest. I also believe that porn has contributed to my ED.

    I recently finished a course "The Addictive Brain" by The Great Courses. It was an eye opener for me and helped me understand my addiction. When I realized my ED might be caused by porn I decided to search for an answer and ended up here.

    I am new to this but so far, since stopping, I brought my wife to tears (of joy) because of my increased intimacy and the closeness that she now feels when we are together. Knowing that I can bring her increased joy has given me a lot more reason to focus solely on her and leave the past in the past.

    If your husband wants to face his problem he might explore the above mentioned course.

    Best Wishes

    Traci
     
  11. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I feel like I am going insane. I went out last night with some girlfriends and we had a great time. On the way home I started getting really anxious. What if he had been looking at porn while I wasn't there? I walked up the stairs to the house and my heart started racing, I felt dizzy and wanted to vomit. When I walked in the door, there he was, doing nothing wrong. I feel ridiculous.

    I can't police him. If he wants to look at porn there are plenty of opportunities. I am sure he could cover his tracks. I don't check his phone and I don't want to. I want to be able to trust my husband.

    He tells me that he has not been looking and I really want to believe him. God, do I want to believe him. I just don't know if I could tell if he was lying to me. I know this man like the back of man hand. Now I am questioning everything.

    I have suggested getting an AP either here or on another site. He is reluctant as he is not sure about being responsible for checking on someone else. So I suggested that he at least journal so he is responsible to himself, and it would hurt for him to start talking about this problem. I don't even have to see or read it, it would be for him.

    He has emailed the counselor but not heard back yet. I hope this happens fast. I need some concrete actions to match his words.

    He has made an appointment for Monday for the STD tests. So at least there is that. But he is confident there will be no issues as he said he has not slept with anyone but me.

    I really want to be a loving and supportive wife. I love this man. But I don't want to be a naive fool. How do I know if he is fapping again? People say you can tell, how?

    My husband has been very affectionate for the past few days. Lots of badly need cuddles. I have really missed the intimacy. It has missing for a long time.

    We are continuing to talk every night. And we will keep at this. There's no fighting (not that we are that sort of couple, we don't ever yell and arguments are rare). Just calm talking through what is on our minds. It feels great to get it out. We're both committed to doing this every day and I think he likes this as much as I do.

    I know that he is starting to do some research into the addiction. He has started various things he has read when we talk. I take this as a good sign.

    This post is a bit of a downer. I have felt it was getting better for the past few days. On reflection, I guess it is the frustration of things not going to the speed I would like them to, nor having the control to make him do what I think would be good for him. I keep telling myself this is his journey and he needs to find his own path.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2015
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  12. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Warriorofthelight. He has been very open in discussions with me about what he has been doing. He answers any questions that I have and I feel like he is honest in his answers. I'll pass on your book suggestion to him. Thanks again for taking the time to post, and luck luck to you.
     
  13. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Traci. It is great to hear some positive stories! I cannot tell you how much I need it right now!
    I'll get him to look into the course you've suggested.
    I wish you and your wife all the best.
     
  14. Traci

    Traci Fapstronaut

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    The book by Powell makes the point that "feelings are fickle". It's making a commitment to love another, fully, that will result to feelings of love. Men can always be excited sexually but feelings of love only come after making a commitment to love another.

    Regards

    Traci
     
  15. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    What a roller coaster. Just had a message from the husband. He has an appointment with an addiction specialist for next week. I am so unbelieveably happy. I see actions! Huzzah. I know that seeing a counselor is not the instant fix but it shows he is following through.

    He also answered the question in an earlier post about who he was doing this for. He said it was for the kids, for me and for him.

    Now I have to be the best support person I can.
     
  16. Handzfree

    Handzfree Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    This is frickin' awesome!! Seeing a counselor is not an instant fix, but I can tell you first hand there is the difference between dealing with the problem professionally and gutting it out by oneself. It's true, you can get to the final destination either way, one just gives you a guide to help you find the path. We all have myopic views of the world and having a counselor open up the horizon for a patient is a big, big deal!

    I happy for all of you.
     
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  17. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Feeling positive today. Got a busy day ahead of me cleaning the house and wrangling The Dude. The squeaks is in day care. Phew.

    So yesterday, I told my Squeaky girl that we'd bake a cake together in the morning, as it was a rainy day and we couldn't run around outside. I went upstairs to put The Dude down for his nap and when I returned a minute later, Squeaks had decided to start the cake without me. She upended 3 full packets of flour onto the bench. When I walked back into the room she turned around looking all innocent , put her hands out and exclaimed 'what a mess!'. I burst out laughing. There was flour everywhere. Every surface in the kitchen, on the windows, all the appliances, all over the floor. I got most of it yesterday but this really needs some serious effort to get rid of the flour. I am still laughing thinking about the look on her face.

    I ordered a book for me yesterday. Your sexually addicted spouse. Not sure if anyone here has read it. I'll do a book review when I'm finished.

    This is part of a series of steps I am taking to help myself. I have a test to complete for a job interview. It is for a very well known company who like to 'get their pound of flesh' out of their employees. I am not sure if it is a good match for me as I will find it hard to balance work/family life. Even if I reject the position, it will be good practice. Now to find a quiet hour when I can concentrate without interruptions.

    I will also work on eating right. No more comfort food, and I will remember to eat good food 3 times a day. Even with the ice cream, I have lost 10 lbs in the last week. Most of it was the remaining pudge from having The Dude, but not great to lose a lot in such a short time.

    The Husband is doing great. He has been really strong with no PMO. I asked if it was difficult and he said the hardest thing was coming to grips with how this has affected his thoughts, feeling and coloured all his views on women. He mention that is it hard to realize that you sexualize everything. The hard bit for me is that he has sexualized everything and at the same time, done the opposite to me. That is just so sad.

    This brings me to some questions on rebooting. I have read some journals but the experiences vary so widely that it is difficult to understand what is normal and what to expect. There are no clear outlines that I have found. Hubby hasn't had wood in 5 days, he also said he has not tried and it makes it easier to resist temptation. I see people flatline but usually a bit later in the recovery, not straight away. Is this what the flatline is, and have others had it so quickly after stopping PMO?

    I don't know much about ED. On the very rare occasion in the past year that hubby and I have actually got it on, there were one or two instances where he became softer midway through the festivities. He thought that my performance was not as zesty as it should have been, although I when I think about, I don't think I would give myself a fail (don't think it was an A+ either, but that is due to an overall lack of intimacy), I would score myself a C. He never lost the wood but it did require some work to get the soldier to stop slouching, so to speak. In your experiences, could this be ED or perhaps is it due to prolonged use of a 'death grip'?

    I also have a question regarding communication. Hubby has a lot going on right now. It's not a walk in the park for me either. My question is, how do you balance supporting him and getting your feeling out about this massive betrayal and all the hurt. Should I shelf this for a time when we can address it with some counseling under his belt and a lot more days without PMO? Should I get it all out now in one massive session and be done with it? Should I try find a balance? I know he understands he hurt me and that really upsets him. I am frightened to upset him too much at the moment for fear he'll slip up in his recovery. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize how well he is doing but don't want to have to censor everything I say and do with my husband.

    Hubby is also going away on a business trip for a week at the end of the month. This makes me freak out. I know I need to have faith in him that he will hold strong. It is going to be one rough week for us both.

    I hope everyone has a great weekend. Going to be a busy one here...
     
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  18. First of all, hats off to your courage! I wish even my GF was like you! She left me a few years back because of this addiction and even hates to see my face! She was the love of my life. So my first advice to you would be, that you must stay by your husband's side. Develop a better communication. I asked my GF for help, she tried but I failed her, eventually she left! You are going to face extreme challenges ahead, but the good news is, that your husband admits he is an addict! And even better news is there exists a solution! That's patience! So two weapons that you need with you are patience and better communication. Don't keep any secrets. Tell him to be on NoFap. Watch NoFap academy videos on YouTube together! Yes, TOGETHER! Everything you do, to fight this battle, must be done together! Stay strong ma'am! M not as wise as you, considering m just 21, but I am sure this will help! You are strong and an amazing woman. God bless you!
     
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  19. Fog

    Fog New Fapstronaut

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    Hey The Wife! I readed your story with a lot of interest. I was for 7 years with someone that was a porn addict. Similar to you, I found a chat in his facebook account (that he left opened in my computer) with a webcam girl. After, he confessed that he did it "at least" 10 times in a year and that he didn't pay with a credit card but "caming", that means: exposing himself for hours while he masturbated in front of the camera for earning "points" or "tokens" or "bitcoins". That really destroyed me. All of this happened three months ago. The first thing I thought was: I have to understand why he is doing this, this must have an explanation, I want to do something, etc. Even if I was too upset with him and I felt betrayed, I had the idea of "helping" him and "recovering" our relationship. So I searched for professional help, I made an appointment with a psychologist that didn't work because she considered that she wasn't able to help us, I found NoFap on reddit (I don't know if he was interested on it) and finally, we started to talk a lot, just the both of us. He said to me that he was stressed, that he just started to procrastinate with it and then he started to craving and longing for it, that he was depressed, that watching porn and sexchats was "easy". I didn't search any other proffesional and I left the task to him, he didn't something or he didn't tell me and I didn't ask anymore because I started to lose interest even if he began to be closer and more open with me. Until now, I don't know if he is seeing someone that could help him. I was on a russian roulette with all of this, I tried to be calm and supportive but at some point of every week I was just full of anger, I didn't trust on him (he stopped with porn because he accepted to use a weblocker on his computer and others at his reach but I was always figuring out that he went even more far than he confessed), I was disappointed and very, very depressed. A sadness I can't really explain, a void. Two or three years on this! And I told him several times that I felt that he was distant, cold, that he wasn't interested on me (we could pass 3 months without sex). He always remained in silence until I did shut up. I suffered for a long time in front of him and he really didn't care, he was just totally alienated.

    As the song says: "Lord knows I've tried..." (just a song, I'm not christian or catholic) but finally this culture of cheap sex won. I broke up with him three weeks ago and I'm really decided. I think that I can't help him because I'm full of bad feelings and, by the way, why am I supposed to be in another mood? Because of love? We all have boundaries and these are mine, I guess. I'm aware that if I stay with him I won't trust on him anymore as I did in the past and also I feel strange, as I love him less or even as I don't love him anymore and it's frustrating because I can't do nothing to change it. So yeah, that happened to me, I wish I could give a better perspective. I think that I found how hurt I was just two months after. Anyway, I hope this could be helpful in some way ...I gave up but you can try harder, specially for your kids. I wish you very good luck in this process!

    (Sorry for the misspellings)
     
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2015
  20. Shutyourfap

    Shutyourfap Fapstronaut

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    Hey, sorry for what your going through it must be hard.

    Having just did one month Nofap I can tell you it's hell, I was angry all the time. I was a lot less affectionate with my partner and got irritated by her 24/7. I relapsed yesterday because she didn't want to fuck the night before cos she was tired and then I couldn't sleep cos I needed to cum so ended up whacking one off to porn after she went to work in the morning.

    So I suppose my advice would be put up with whatever shit he gives you (cos if he's anything like me his inner alpha male will be an asshole) and don't ever turn him down sex if he wants it cos he will be more likely to relapse. My gf didn't know I was a porn addict so she can't really help me through it but you do so should be easier to be supportive IF he wants to change.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2015

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