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My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TheWife, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @JoePineapples

    Yes, the feeling of shame, regret and not deserving what he has have been a problem for my husband. The new strategy we have seems to be working though. Him concentrating on making it up to me and both of us working on the present and our future.

    It is a really interesting approach in the Allan Carr book. I like the way he twists the 'giving up' part to be that you are not missing out on anything, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Not sure if it does translate to porn addiction but it is a different approach and worth consideration.

    Glad to hear you and Mrs Pineapples are doing well. It sounds like lots of positive things are happening for you and the Pineapple family.

    90 days

    Today marks 90 days since all this exploded. It has been 90 days since husband watched porn. He seems to have gotten away from porn relatively easily and I hope it stays that way. As he said, the hard part is facing his demons and addressing why he turned to it so it doesn't happen again. That has been extremely difficult for him to face.

    Hubby left on Sunday for a business trip and will be back on Friday. I feel really nervous when he is away. I know I can't control him and he needs to be given the opportunity to prove himself trustworthy again. It is just particularly hard as this is how it all started - me seeing an email about him arranging a meeting while he was on a business trip. He has accountable2you on his phone so I know that he is behaving in that regard but I still feel nervous as he could be misbehaving through other means. I need to work on controlling my fears. Everytime I start to get a bit worried I have been doing some reading, a bit of slow breathing and saying to myself that I need to let him be free to do what he wants. He will show me if he is worthy of my love.

    We have been doing better. We are talking more, although not since Sunday as he has been away.

    The Christmas tree is up. There are lots of decorations on the left side and the lower half. One poor branch is weighed down with no less than 10 baubles. Squeaky had a ball. She really is understanding more nowadays and is talking about Christmas constantly. The Dude just wants to destroy the tree and I have had to make a barrier to ensure he keeps away from it. Squeaky keeps reprimanding him saying "no touching the Christmas".

    No news on the job front as yet. Will keep my fingers crossed and keep looking. I'm sure things will start moving again in Jan. Till then I have to enjoy every moment I can with my munchkins and make the most of my time at home. Will keep myself busy on my projects as being idle is the worst thing possible for me.

    I did my book review on Your Sexually Addicted Partner. You can read it here if you are interested http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.ph...e-by-barbara-steffens-and-marsha-means.53496/. I wasn't sure where to put it.

    Bye. Off to do some Christmas shopping...
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2015
  2. Andrew14

    Andrew14 Fapstronaut

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    Oh my gosh. I am so glad I am not TheHusband here. Hate is not good!

     
  3. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    @Andrew14 I think The Husband wishes he wasn't here sometimes as well :)

    But seriously, I don't hate him. Far from it. I love him with all my heart. He has hurt me and I do hate what he has done. But I do not hate him at all. If I did, I would be out the door and shopping for the meanest, nastiest divorce lawyer around. Here I am, staying, putting my all in to try and fix what has been broken. I am using every fiber of my body and every ounce of energy I have to repair our damaged marriage out of love.

    And a word of warning, if you have a wife or partner, you could very well be "The Husband". There are many different stories from the partners of addicts, but the underlying feelings and hurt are dreadfully similar. The hurt done to partners of porn addicts is terrible. If you have a wife or partner, I hope you can channel my story towards helping you with your recovery.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2015
    MaKa, WifeInTheDark, Yesodi and 7 others like this.
  4. WonderDNA

    WonderDNA Fapstronaut

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    It would be hard for me to put in words the admiration that I have for you in doing this for him. Yes it is FOR HIM, he owes you, don't forget that, HE made the decisions, the individual choices along the way. No matter what he went through in his life he had the choice, every time. I have been where he is, I got caught twice by my wife over a period of about 6 years. I went back to P about 3 years into our marriage, even going to strip clubs a few times. I hated myself, but still did it. She found P on my computer about a year later, and we nearly split. I quit for several years, but eventually went back to it to to deal with increasing stress. In 2004 she again found P on my computer after she returned from a trip to visit her family. It was a devastating storm in our lives. Our marriage was on the very brink of dissolution. I lied to and hurt her during all of those years, and have learned that there is simply no one or thing that can be blamed except me. I had / have issues, dad left when I was 3, sexual abuse as a child, grew up with 3 older brothers objectifying women all of my life. I also began sexual activity in my preteen years, saw P film at 8 yrs old, etc... OK, that doesn't change anything. I made the choice of using P and MO to deal with my problems. I was an addict because I was WILLING to continue using although it meant harm to my family and my soul, and I consciously knew this while letting autopilot take me into the darkness. You are not to blame in this, he alone is responsible.

    I am sorry that you are going through this. I know that it is hard to deal with and that no one else can give you the answers that you would like to have. You are on this journey alone in many ways. Forgiveness and trust are completely different things. You MUST forgive him for your own good, but trust can only be solid by his willingness to be honest with you in EVERYTHING. He needs to understand that ANY lie that he tells you will be linked back to your trust in this area. You get to decide how long it takes to trust him; don't let him guilt you into feeling that you should have starting trusting him already. You have to heal the wound that he inflicted. I didn't do that for my wife, and it has continued to be an issue in our marriage. Yes, 11 years later we are still dealing with the after effects. I now have come to realize just how important it was for her to be able to express her feelings and doubts, no matter how uncomfortable it made me. Instead, when I felt like she should have been over it, I would get aggravated that she was still bringing it up.

    Sorry if I am hijacking your thread, but after reading through your journal I just felt a strong urge to reply with my long-winded keystroke...

    My struggle for the last 11 years has been the MO and a continued tendency to objectify women. I have read the ideas of others that masturbation is harmless and a safe release from pent up frustration, but I am strongly opposed to that ideology. MO is the gateway drug, people don't look at porn just to see naked people or other people having sex; it is the O that is the goal. It is reaching the high of an O that the P is being used for. Without MO the P loses it's purpose. I would liken it to someone who stops drinking alcohol, but then gets an IV hooked into their arm to take in alcohol intravenously. Same results, just a different approach.

    I would suggest reading a book called 'The Drug of the New Millenium' by Mark Kastleman. There is section of the book that deals with the whole chemical process of a healthy sexual experience in a marriage vs. any other sexual experience. I found it very profound and enlightening.

    I would also suggest reading The Most Personal Addiction by Joe Zychik; it is a free pdf ebook that is worth it's weight in gold in my opinion... In fact there are a couple of sections towards the back on dealing with the situation that you are in now, well worth a read... (I tried to link the title to the file, but if it doesn't work I hav a link to it in my signature below)

    Again, sorry if I have overstayed my welcome while posting in your journal... it was meant with the best of intentions, I assure you...

    Stay strong.
     
    WifeInTheDark, Saskia, Mj1064 and 3 others like this.
  5. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @WonderDNA for really wonderful hijack! It means a lot to me.

    I am doing this for him, but I am also doing it for me and my family. I would hate to throw everything away without knowing that I had done all I could to save my kids from growing up in a broken home.

    There are some great things that we have in our relationship - we love each other, we have passion, we're best friends, we have great fun together. It is just that I refuse to be disrespected by him any longer. I will not put up with the betrayal, the lies and the secrets. I want a partner to grow old with, now he needs to step up to the plate and show me he is that person. He knows that he needs to demonstrate to me he is making improvements, to show me how much he loves me and to prove to me he is worthy of my love.

    I don't really hate porn believe it or not. What I hate are the lies and deceit. It is how he put the porn as a priority above me. It is the betrayal. It is the sneakiness. It is the life that he hid from me.

    I am not entirely sure of what my husbands problem is. He watched a lot of really nasty porn but has been able to move away from that relatively easily. He says he has given up on MO as well but that is a bit more difficult to know if he has. I have to believe he has until I know otherwise. We have said we would direct all our sexual energy towards each other only from now on. My husband does have an issue with objectifying women, that I know for certain. He has a lot of sexual thoughts and fantasies which are probably inappropriate - I am only going on what I know from him, I don't know the exact thoughts and really don't want to. To be honest one of the more difficult things for me has been getting an understanding of his issues and what is his plan to address them. I don't think he knows the answer to this and that is why he has been unable to tell me. I hope his therapist can work through that with him.

    For me to be able to forgive him, which I am working on, I need to let go of the negatives and the thought of punishing him for what he did. I can't think of him owing me as that is another form of punishment. I need to let go of the thoughts of payback etc to be able to move on. I'm not saying I will be a naive idiot, I will be watching to make sure that he does not treat me with disrespect. I have my demands of what he needs to do for our marriage but I see these as a different thing.

    I am not sure that I can trust him ever again. There will always be doubts and I would be a fool to trust him completely. The other day I wrote a burn letter saying goodbye to trust. It will never come back to what it was but I am hoping that with transperancy, honesty and communication we can survive without it.

    Thank you for the book recommendations. I really appreciate it. I'll get onto these.

    I am sorry that you and your wife have had such a difficult time. 11 years is a long time to be dealing with these issues. I hope you both get some closure soon.

    Thank you again for thanking the time to write to me and for reading my journal.

    X
     
  6. I've been spending the last half hour or so reading your posts, and I have to say, I'm moved. I'm really rooting for you guys and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you.

    You got this.
     
  7. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    A song for all the partners, wives, girlfriends and significant others....

    Everytime I feel a bit down I listen to this song and it makes me feel better. Helps if you sing along, really loud and out of key. I hope it does the same for you.

     
    TheFiancée, WOTL and Gamerwife85 like this.
  8. WonderDNA

    WonderDNA Fapstronaut

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    Hi @TheWife I am glad that you have so much clarity in your situation, you seem to have found some balance in how to deal with this from a logical / emotional place.

    I just wanted to clarify my thought above. When I said that he owes you, I don't mean that he owes you anything more than respect, willingness to deal with the hurt that he caused you, and honesty about his issues. I totally agree that you have to reach a point of giving him the benefit of the doubt, not using his actions to beat him down or punish him as you go forward. I believe that to get to that point you need to let out your feelings and he needs to listen as long as you need to talk about it (that is what he owes you). I believe that this is totally necessary for the injured spouse to be able to let go of resentment. This may have already have been achieved in your situation in the time that has passed; each person is different. I know that I may very well be reiterating what you said above...

    I truly hope the best for you and your husband. I believe that there are many marriages that have survived much worse than porn and come out to be more honest and open in the end. The willingness he is showing to seek help and share with you the deep rooted causes of this issue may very well be the pathway for yours to be one of those. You and your family deserve it...

    Stay strong...
     
  9. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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  10. TheGirlfriend

    TheGirlfriend New Fapstronaut

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    I want to start by saying what am amazing woman you are for staying with your husband and being supportive.

    I found out my boyfriend was addicted to porn last August 2014 when I found it on his phone. He told me he'd only look at it once a month or so but I don't think that was true considering he had confessed to pmo before I got home the day before when i found all the porn on his phone At first he denied it but then gave in. I was so furious he'd been lying to me or what I think is cheating me for a year of our relationship I was going to leave he said he'd stop.

    However barely 2 months lately in October I caught him looking at p and mo and then once in November. The last straw was the end of January I had just left for work and he did he as soon as I left. It put me over the edge. I actually quit my job to be at home because I couldn't trust him as ridiculous as this is. It's taking a lot of time but I do believe he is not looking at it and you are right if they're going to do it they're going to do it. I think the worst part is how they look you right in the face and lie. He tells me if I don't trust him then just leave.

    Also I have read all of your posts and find them very helpful. God bless you!
     
  11. @TheWife :

    Hi...
    What I'm getting is-
    you'll certainly win this battle!

    Reasons:-
    1.You are the driving force here,which is-brave,self-esteemed,caring,sometimes stubborn,understandable,honest,very practical,respectful,loving and likes to be in presence rather than being haphazard and a bit organised too...
    2.Your husband is cooperative,listens to you,he actually has respect for you as well,wants his family life back,supportive and i think some how a good guy too.He wants to change,hes working on that.He realized,he confessed this to you,well that's not easy to do for men.So overall improvement shows.

    (I'm not assuming/favouring/disapproving anything here,after reading your journal i'm writing all this)

    But it has to be kept in mind that its an-addiction!And believe me it is a strong addiction.Even one obscene image can trigger the inrush of chemicals until one gets very sure that yes i'm not vulnerable to this now.And this will take time for sure.For boys/men visuals are stimulating agents.Generally men when unable to manage, lie a lot and that too with perfection.And this addiction takes its own time to get rid of,to be clean and calm.Everyone's escalations,body chemistry,depth of addiction is different so have patience.Its very good that you consider a single day at a time.It has helped me a lot.

    I'm literally not in favour of divorce as in most of the cases divorcees regret their decision,keep on repenting and there is no guarantee that the next person will be easy to get with.Its not that simple!Trust will be a problem for a while but you are doing really well with truth,communication,giving him time to respond,forgiving him on some issues and being really open to him-these all things leads to a bonding and that ultimately leads to-trust!But patience will be a key in this.Keep your pace slow!Things will improve further for sure.Life is not perfect,it cannot be.so consider this as a patch in your life not a catastrophe/everything.Don't give up!

    One can win most of things in this world and the key is-Love,affection,care,bonding.It really works,it has worked for me.I think everyone of us wants this.Communication and expression of our deeper feelings is also important to keep this bonding.You cannot forget the pain and miseries that you have been through because of his past habits.Let them be there but focus on positive aspects,life has a lot to offer.Stay strong,fight for yourself,your family,your kids and I'm sure when things will turn your way ,you'll fell like at the top.You can feel that.This feeling is matchless!

    Both of you have a good understanding in between you,as a family you compliment each other well,you listen to each other without getting very annoyed/angry,you laugh and get involve in yourselves what else one want?You can surely fix this issue.

    I really feel scary what this addiction can do,it must not be taken lightly,it will be there all time as its related to our basic need-sex!Its we only who has to learn things to deal with it.And we all can do it.We have to do it anyhow.I don't know what to say-I'm lucky(and a real unlucky that once i was trapped in this badly) that i figured it out before my marriage.I have a great respect for women but somehow i disrespected them when I FPMO'd(F-fantasies,without human touch) I'll keep fighting and supporting NoFap to every extent.Its worth doing!

    Meditation,Yoga,sports,breaks,hobbies,socialization,bonding works wonders in this journey!
    (Loneliness,detachment,keeping to oneself,irritated,getting lost most of times in between conversations are damn spot on signs of this addiction)

    Good luck to you and your family.I'm still sure you'll succeed!:)
     
    WonderDNA and TheGirlfriend like this.
  12. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hello NoFappers,

    It's been a while since I've been around. I needed a break. Wish it was that easy to get one in real life too. Just press the off button and put your life aside for however long you want. Ahh, instant calm.

    I had a melt-down of epic proportions on New Year's Eve. Awesome! In front of all of our friend I burst into tears, ugly sobbing gasping for breath tears. Think boarderline panic attack kinda performance. Emmy award winning for sure. During the night the conversations severely triggered me on 5 separate occasions, combined with a few too many wines and voila. Perfect recipe for disaster. Luckily I had the sense of mind to go outside and one of my closer friends came to speak with me. I said very little but she saw how much pain I was in. Lucky for me the story that I was stressed at home with the kids and having trouble finding work again seemed to be sufficient with everyone else present at said party. I don't want everyone knowing our business, it's embarrassing. Breaking down in front of everyone was shameful enough.

    I think the build up had been that I haven't had anyone to talk with, no other support other than my husband (the cause of all this pain) and everyone here. I feel lonely and isolated. I'm a talker, as you have all probably realized in reading my posts. My husband has been difficult to talk with sometimes as he is struggling with his feelings as well, and he is so used to shutting down when things get tough. That old compartmentalization chestnut combined with the manly attitude of I can fix this myself have made him reluctant to open up. I haven't been able to talk with friends and family as these are not details you share. I also feel the addiction is his to share with who he feels comfortable with. So I have been bottling everything up, and the cork came shooting out the other night, like the magnum on the Grand Prix podium.

    I feel very uncertain of where things are going. His recovery is his to do, but it affects my life enormously. It is stressful. Recently husband has not been back to the therapist. He missed an appointment about a month ago and has not rung them to reschedule. He has not been doing anything naughty, no porn, no acting up, no m, nothing, except sex with me. I just worry as from what I understand is the attraction to the addiction is always beneath the surface. I wish this was just plain old infidelity. I'm also a bit of a one who like plans, and tracking and measuring, so this whole thing he's doing just seems superficial to me. It is out of my control, the only thing I can do is leave him if he misbehaves - it all just seems so passive to me. I feel like I need to be pro-active for my marriage but this is his area to fix. Any other partners struggle with this?

    So after my glorious outburst at the New Years party, we went home and ended up having crazy mind blowing monkey sex. My husband told me the next day he was confused as to how we went from one extreme to another, a fair point really. The thing is that I am hurt, badly, but I still want my husband. I long to be close to him. I love him despite of everything. I miss sex. I need contact and to feel intimacy. I'm lonely. A bizarre mishmash of feelings that is confusing to live, and must be indecipherable from the outside.

    I have been contacted by my two closest friends, as they were worried about me after my meltdown. We're going out to dinner tomorrow night. I don't think I'll say much but it will just be nice to have a night out.

    Today husband told me to say whatever I want to the girls tomorrow. He's been worried that everyone will judge him and so we had agreed when this all started not to say anything to anyone. Today he implied he was more worried about me and that I need someone to talk to. He recognizes that I need support as "you've always been a talker". He has said he won't be upset or angry with what I say. He thanked me for being so supportive and not running around shouting out our troubles like some people do. It is hard to talk with your friends when you can't say anything about what is troubling you and so I have been avoid social situations a bit. I may elude to some vague issues when I speak with the girls at dinner but I don't think spilling all the beans will do anyone any good. Just nice to know that I have some people I can rely on. I am not alone in this world.

    Hubby is doing more around the house to help me. He is taking on the washing to be his job. He even suggested it. I don't think he realizes the sheer scale of this task. I'm just over the moon he's pitching in!

    Hubby spoke a bit more today on what he was feeling. He said that much of what he reads and was told was that these addictions go back to childhood where there were issues of abuse or emotional neglect. He said it is hard to reconcile as he doesn't feel he was neglected, and he certainly wasn't abused. He feels conflicted going back to say issues stem from his father. His father died 3 years ago and he loved him very much. They were never really close as such but he was a good man. For me it was just lovely and a relief to hear my husband speak openly with me.

    It is really hard being the hurt partner. You have so much to contend with, such as your yoyo-ing emotions and the actual hurt itself, then to turn around and try to be supportive and loving is very draining. I hope it gets easier as I don't have much left in me.

    Yesterday was Squeaky's 3rd birthday. We had chocolate cake, presents and we blew up 100 balloons for her. She made a 'balloon pool' in the lounge room by pushing the coffee table against the sofa and using toys/pillows to make the rest of the wall. She has been swimming in balloons with small breaks to play with her dinosaurs and princess castle in between. Happy girl. Think she had a perfect day.

    That is all from me for now. Will pop back in again soon but not too often as I don't have the energy to spare at the moment.

    Ciao for now!
    TW
     
    CdB, RicoDavidson, Yesodi and 3 others like this.
  13. Thanks for the update, we're here for you if you just need to vent and let some steam out.
     
    Gamerwife85 and TheWife like this.
  14. Charlene

    Charlene Fapstronaut

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    @TheWife
    Hi, i am new to these forums, posting in the womens section. I have been reading your adventure into addiction. Its a hard disease to handle for the supportive person. You cannot control the actions of another. You can only control your actions and reactions. This is a hard lesson to learn. We have been through alcohol and drug addition and now porn. I learned a lot of skills through the alcohol and drug issues. Most were from being involved on a support group called Alanon. I beleive that the wives and gorlfreinds here can be that support if you keep postimg. In addition, you must take care of you and that may mean counseling without your husband. This would help you deal with the anger that is involved with a person addicted to PMOing in a positive way and help teach you the coping skills nessecary to let him be away from you.
    I hope that the two of us can be supportive to each other on this board. My thread is in the Womens section.
     
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  15. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Hope you're feeling a little better after coming into 2016 with a bang! (no pun intended.....lol) I've had my meltdowns at work before......though nothing on such a grand scale as yours....lol How did the dinner with your friends go the other night?
    I agree with you how hard it is being the hurt partner. My hubby has been 40 days now with no chatting etc on any sites and I've been wary and hurt now over such a period, that I now find it strange to know that he isn't actually doing anything! Is that weird? Then, of course I start to wonder, well is he or isn't he, when I know the answer!
    Does your hubby feel he has things under control enough, maybe, to not go back to the therapist? It sounds like he's doing all the right things otherwise and is really concerned for you. I really hope you can pull through. I think they find it easier to 'just get on with things' but it's us who have it in our heads for ever to deal with.
     
    TheWife and WonderDNA like this.
  16. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Jen@8675309 @Charlene and @Mj1064

    @Charlene i don't feel very angry as such. I am frustrated with this situation. I can't control him, I know this. All I can do is sit back and see if he addresses his issues and act accordingly. So passive and frustrating to be in this position as this is my life, my family and my marriage we are talking about. This affects every part of me. I have read all I can about what I can do for me and some things have helped but I still feel helpless in this situation.

    @Mj1064 yes, I really did start 2016 with a bang. Right at midnight too! I'm not sure if he feels he can handle this himself. I've tried to talk to him about it but he really avoids these conversations. The answers I get are limited. I know he's trying to do the right things. I guess over time we'll see if it is working.

    I feel okay today. I had an amazing night out with the girls. They are the best. And I had the most delicious mushroom risotto, Pinot noir and amazing cheeses for dessert. Their husbands are my husbands best friends. They have known each other for 30 years. I spoke a lot about what was happening but did not talk about it being an addiction. I briefly mentioned about the infidelity from years ago and the email recently. They had seen the changes in my husband as well. They asked if he was depressed or something along those lines. How does one know if someone is depressed? One of their husbands had even said something to my husband. He asked him what is going on as he is shut off, doesn't talk and is withdrawn. They have seen the changes over the past 3 years. They are all worried about him. They asked if I was talking to him, I let them know I'm talking as much as I can, I am doing what I can for him but I'm not the best person as I am hurt, frustrated and sad too. I don't know what the solution is. I just want to whack him over the head with a frying pan and yell at him to wake up, get his shit together and snap out of it. Would that work? ;) We discussed how people don't change but perhaps he might as this has been a recent thing, he wasn't like this before. This all started when we had our first kid and about the time his father died. Will he change back to the man I know and love?

    I spoke with my husband briefly when I got home. He really avoids the conversations as much as possible. He told me he knows everybody sees it. I asked if he was going to go back to the therapists and he said yes he would. But it is difficult with the therapist, he likened it to going to the dentist - painful and something you put off. I question if the therapist is actually any good. They delve into difficult and emotional issues but have no goals or plan to achieve things. Is this the way therapists usually work? I'm going to start a thread on this during nap time today.

    Me, well I am exhausted. My batteries are nearly empty and I need everything I have for me and my kids. That is my priority. My kids come first. I need to do all I can for them. I'm just going to plod along one day at a time and see what happens.

    Hubby is locked in the attic today working on the renovations. Don't know if this is a positive thing for him to jump into or if it is another way to escape reality and hide from the world.

    All I know is that he hasn't watched porn or masterbated in the past 4 months. I do see positive changes but not enough. I want more. I want him to be happy. I want him to communicate. I want him to be his normal outgoing self.

    Any ideas, anyone? How do I get him to talk? How do I get him to snap out of this. I can't force him to do anything but it feels terrible to sit here and just watch him like this. He has withdrawn from everyone, except the kids. With them he is patient, loving and caring - like my old husband. I want him back. Where did he go?

    Thank you everyone for your concern. Feels great to know I do have support.

    X
     
  17. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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  18. WonderDNA

    WonderDNA Fapstronaut

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    Hi @TheWife I hate to read how much unrest this whole situation is bringing you. I wish that there was some simple path that when laid out and followed could get all of us where we need or want to be, but of course, as you know, that is not realistic. The one day at a time is definitely the only way to approach his addiction from both sides of the situation.

    It's certainly possible that this was his wake up call and his path is consistent with what is best for his family. Many people walk away from addictions and simply never look back, others seem to have to keep fighting to stay away, and others seem to just keep going back even though it is destroying their lives. I am hoping for you and your family that he is the first, one who is able to move forward and let this be in his past only. If this just started to become an issue over the last 3 years it seems to me that he will be able to walk away much easier than many here in NoFap who have been using porn and masturbation for most of their lives as a crutch in dealing with negative emotions, whatever they might be. He also has the good fortune of having a supportive wife by his side. Keep letting him know that you are there for him.

    I would strongly suggest that you don't let the subject become taboo because it makes him uncomfortable. I don't mean to constantly harp on it at random times, but let him know that you need to talk honestly about what you are feeling about the situation and ask him to agree to a time when he will be openly available for you. He loves you and wants you to heal, and that requires opening up about the way that this makes you feel, not just once or twice but as much as you need to work through this. That is much easier for a man when he is asked to do this for you. He can prepare himself to not be defensive or standoffish at that time. This is a major deal in your lives right now.

    Porn is hard on a marriage, but like you have said before, the lying is what makes the situation so hurtful. Your trust is going to have to be based upon discussions about honesty. If he were to slip up and look at porn, would he be able to tell you? Would you be able to handle that? Unfortunately, that is a possibility. Have you discussed how to handle that? NO license for porn, no exceptions, but how can you trust that he is not lying unless you leave an opening for honesty that is not the end of the world for him. If he gives in to the urge, I'm not saying that he will, but if he does, the worst thing that could follow that is to lie about it. He knows that what he did hurt you, and he knows that telling you about a slip up will hurt you again, but he needs to really understand that lying about it is the worst thing he could do to you and himself. He might reason that he is protecting you by not telling you even though he knows inside that that is not the truth. He might say to himself that he will never do it again, so why put you through that pain. He would even believe that at the moment. That is the power of the addiction. Make that part of your conversations about this. Make sure he knows that you need to know that if he falls he will come to you and discuss it. That it won't be swept under the rug, but that you would rather the pain of his moment of weakness over the long term effects of lies. I know that this really sucks... and hopefully you will not have to face a slip up... but knowing that he will be honest about this can go a long way at rebuilding your trust. Not having to wonder if he is being truthful can bring some inner peace. Let him know that. If you have already, then remind him. When a moment of weakness comes up, the thought of having to hurt you by telling you can go a long way to help him make the right choice.

    A strong motivation for his recovery is you, is your family, is the life that he truly wants with you. He has the power to make the right choices.

    I hope that everything I wrote above is taken the way that I meant it, as my opinions, and as an effort to give you some things to consider that you might not have already thought about. I continue to wish you the best in getting through this storm...
     
    WifeInTheDark, CdB and Mj1064 like this.
  19. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @WonderDNA. Your posts are always very helpful and supportive. I really appreciate you taking the time to write here.

    I hope that I have been clear with him about the lying. I told him if he lies to me, even by omission, then I will leave, no questions. Lying is the worst part of all our issues. I have stated this several times. I hope I am approachable enough for him to tell me if he has had difficulties, or even if things get hard. I'd like to think I am open and supportive. I know that my anger and sadness has hampered this a bit but I have tried. My goal is to be understanding and loving towards him. Not easy at the moment as I am out of energy.

    I'll keep broaching the difficult topics. I like the idea of saying I want to talk about this and leaving it up to him to decide when. It puts the ball in his court. I'll try this and see if it works.

    Will let you know how it goes.

    X
     
    WonderDNA likes this.
  20. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Wow! I really wish I could wave a magic wand for you! There must be somebody or something that can help your hubby! I have no real idea about therapists but I'm guessing there are good ones and not so good ones, as in every field. If he didn't 'connect' and still feels unable to talk, maybe he needs to find a different one?

    Reading your story actually makes me feel like my own situation is barely scratching the surface!! I've only been with my hubby since 2008 and married in 2012 and I've only really been finding out things (on different occasions) over the last year and a half. When I showed him this website and badgered him for a few days, it was like I actually had hit him over the head with a frying pan! It was as if the penny finally dropped and he realised what he was doing to me and our marriage. He's even said he can't believe the time he's wasted just sitting at his laptop!

    I wish you could find your husband's 'kerching' moment!
     
    WonderDNA likes this.

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