My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by TheWife, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Thank you @Mj1064. I wish you had a magic wand also!

    It's strange as he has opened up to the therapist. He has told her enormous amounts and says he feels comfortable with her. I just find it strange that he has not been back. So either he's not facing it, he can't cope with what it is bringing up or perhaps he thinks it is not needed.

    I'm going to suggest marriage counseling for us today.

    I'm glad that you and your husband are here. You sound like you are both making enormous amounts of progress.

    X
     
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  2. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    It took some doing getting here! Each time I confronted hubby, I was told I was making too much out of it and he was still going to talk to them coz they were friends. I could have punched him! I found out about the two visits to the 'lovely lady' from a website by logging in and reading messages. That one floored me, as it happened only months after we were married! I'll give him his due, he looked totally ashamed when I confronted him and answered any of my questions. It was a great diet! I couldn't eat. I thought it was over and done with each time but, nope. When I found out just over a month ago he was still at it, I told him his need for porn is going to kill our marriage. I'm kind of lucky in that he had, on previous occasions, half joked that he might even have 'a problem'. So when I put this website under his nose - in fact, it was your opening journal - he was quite open to looking at it. It took a couple more days of me keep talking about it and him storming off but when I went to find him, it was as if the frying pan had hit! The 'ultimatum' was that he logged on, started a journal and went on to update every couple of weeks, or at least read some journals and maybe comment. He was even someone's AP for a brief while but they decided this site wasn't for them. I'm still thinking of putting accountable2you on just for my peace of mind, mainly coz once the busy period has gone, I don't want his boredom to kick in.

    For you, it would be nice to know the reason your hubby missed his therapy....all 3 reasons you suggest are feasible. Maybe the frying pan around his head is a good idea after all ;)
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2016
  3. e_k_1

    e_k_1 Fapstronaut

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    Hi,

    I have read your entire thread and all the responses. I appreciate your honesty and feel (some) empathy for your pain (some, because my capacity for empathy has been retarded by porn and my other wounds). In some ways, it is similar to the pain I have caused my wife. In other ways, I have done worse, if such things can even be compared.

    I have a few comments/reactions, and I want to be careful that they do not come off as pontificating or grandstanding in any way. I have problems with pride, in many ways my own porn addiction is related to hubris and entitlement. My wife reads my posts (I email her links to all of them - part of my trying to be honest and transparent) and she gets triggered by my displays of pride or trying to "educate" others. Anyway, with that aside, here are some thoughts or feelings I want to share.

    A lot of what you say about your husband resonates with me. For example, people have commented on the fact that I am acting weird, isolated, aloof, strange, etc. Not all of it is related to porn, but I think the underlying reasons may be common. I have not yet gotten to the bottom of all of it, but I am taking it more seriously now; I was often dismissive of this in the past. Another example is what I already alluded to above - my capacity for empathy and truly feeling the pain I have caused. I believe I am not forgiven, trusted, etc. and frequently (repeatedly) have to face (by being told and reproached about) what I have done and the injuries I have caused, because I am not showing my wife sufficient remorse and understanding of the hurtful impact what I have done has had on her. This is something I have taken seriously, but had not had much success yet.

    I guess that's it for now.

    I wish you, your husband and your family the best as you continue on this journey.
     
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  4. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hello everybody!

    Winter has hit us with a good blanket of snow. We've started the obligatory snow person. He is a little on the small and malformed side as we can only go in short bursts due to squeaky constantly removing her gloves and getting cold hands. I'm going to duct tape those suckers on if she keeps removing them. Will keep adding over the next few days and see how big we can get him this year.

    Well, husband told me this morning that he had a night out organized for the two of us. The kids were off to grandmas house for the night. We've had to postpone as the dude has an ear infection, complete with fever and vomiting. He just wants his parents and is downright miserable. He's getting lots of cuddles today. Poor little guy, not so little really according to the dr when we went yesterday. He's 1 year old this week and is already 13kgs (29lbs for those who don't like the metric system). He's on track to be a rugby 2nd rower.

    So, back to the surprise night out. I have no idea what it is. It is our 10 year wedding anniversary this week so may have been an early gift??? I was really surprised and very happy he'd been so romantic. We used to do this sort of thing all the time pre-kids. I love it.

    I am still struggling to get a gift for hubby for our anniversary. The Fiancé suggested a scrapbook of our memories, and there are a few from the 16 years we've been together. I also got him a couple of t-shirts in his fav brand. I was thinking about taking him to the Jewelry store to get him another wedding ring. His was lost in the Mekong river during our travels. I know he wants another and it might be a great message for him. Just need to work the budget for that as we are doing some renovations and don't want to exhaust the bank accounts. Any other ideas?

    Things have been better here this week. I feel better in myself. I feel more confident about me and where I am at.

    Hubby went out the other night to watch the football with the boys. They confronted him about what was going on. He told them the story minus the "embarrassing bits". So no talk of the addiction. I feel relieved that he spoke about what was happening. That is really huge for him. I have been worried that he was isolating himself. It is an enormous step for him to take and I am really proud that he did it. I may have forced his hand a little by speaking with the girls and by my performance at New Years, but he had the conversation and that is the main thing.

    I did bring up the therapy and said I wanted to work on our communication. I asked him to let me know when he was ready to talk. Three days later I reminded him. That night he brought it up himself. He hates the idea of therapy. For him it is something you do as a last resort, when you are unable to talk. He still does not think that he has got a lot out of his therapy with the addiction therapist. She has been great for him to talk to and she did give him a couple of things to think about but he said generally she hasn't told him anything he wasn't already aware of. He said he knows what he has to do.

    2nd attempt at writing journal....
    So it is now the next day. Apparently I can't get 15mins peace to write my journal.

    The snow man is bigger....and then it got turned into a slide.

    The dude is a bit better, although still really clingy. His temp is down and so is his lunch. Things are on the up.

    3rd attempted at writing journal....
    Now night time.

    Hubby spoke to me today about how he feels a lot of pressure and responsibility with the kids and his work. He has this idea that he needs to provide and be responsible for his family. It is hard. Especially on days like today, where one is sick and the other looks like getting sick. He feels guilty that he should be handling it all better. He just wants to get away at times but then feels bad about it. I understand completely how he feels. It is overwhelming sometimes. Not sure how I can help him with this, I have tried to reassure him that he is doing great and every parent feels this way. He knows that this is how most parents feel and that is will get easier as the kids get older. He said it is difficult as he can't apply a long term solution to a short term problem. He's looking for something to get him through the right now. Any other ideas from anyone who has kids or has dealt with trying to find a way around fixing the short term problem without a long term solution?

    Now I'm going to try get some sleep before we get up and start it all again tomorrow. Good night to everyone in NoFap land.

    4th attempt, and hopefully last attempt at writing journal...

    Squeaky is now sick. Slept in our bed. Seems better today. Why can't kids sleep in a normal direction or not have their feet in your face when they sleep in your bed?

    It is really hard to get time for me. As you can see with the stop and start of writing this. It is really hard to get some balance. I guess it is difficult for husband as well. I do a majority of the things around here but I think he struggles with the general chaos of family life. I had never really thought that it was hard for him as I am the one who does the majority of things with the kids and the house. Putting someone else's needs before your own is a huge change, and more so with the issues that come with porn addiction. Porn makes you selfish and self entitled - that doesn't gel at all with babies. I see now that it causes conflict in him. I hadn't understood that before. Hubby is an only child, he never knew the chaos of a busy family. He has a very strong will and when he wants something, he'll do it straight away. Instant gratification has always been a thing for him. Delayed gratification is not his strong suit. He is impatient and this doesn't help the situation.

    I watched an amazing video by Jada Pinkett-smith last night and showed hubby. I was very surprised by the video. She talks about doing things for you and not losing yourself. Think this is really relevant. I know she talks about being a mother etc, but it is just as difficult being a father. The messages about providing for your family and being responsible are just as damaging as the messages about being a good mother. Why do we as a society place so much pressure on each other? Everyone is doing the best that they can.


    I think I've bored you all enough with my super long update. I'm going to go make a coffee, turn on the music and get on with my Monday morning.

    Have a great week everyone!
     
  5. Selfdiscovery

    Selfdiscovery Fapstronaut

    @TheWife:

    Really nice point to notice-to care for self,have self respect,maintain self confidence.its a must for everyone.when a person is connected to self then s/he can control a lot of other things as well.very pragmatic thought!
    Good luck Thewife!
     
  6. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

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    Just wanted to say your story sounds like my life... At least the first post...my husband never took action- we have 4 kids... I think he knows it'd be pretty much impossible for me to leave...anyway I haven't read all of your posts yet but at least looks like he's doing something about it.. Sometimes I wonder-can't we just take away the Internet? At home and on their phones? Like we monitor with our kids? Sounds crazy right...but is it really that hard? They can't use it responsibly and then we don't have to leave in fear and be forced to trust someone who is untrustworthy...hmmm
     
  7. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Hi - glad you found the site! I too have said I wish we didn't have the Internet and I bet thousands of others! It's surely got to have ruined millions of relationships one way or another. Has your hubby acknowledged he has a problem? I wasn't sure if you meant yours or TheWife's had started taking action. If he hasn't - that's your major hurdle! My hubby is 56 days in now without web camming, chatting to women on porn sites, spending ridiculous amounts of money on them or emailing anyone but it's taken me finding out 3 times and almost telling him to go for him to realise I wasn't just being 'silly and over reactive'.
    This is a great site for support and advise with many couples working through stuff together, as well as singles.

    Yesterday, for my own peace of mind, until my brain knows I can trust him again, hubby said he had no worries about me putting Accountable2You on our devices. It's a 10 day free trial and only $4.99 a month after that. It's dead easy to set up and if he searches for anything he shouldn't, it sends me a text. I also get a daily internet report.
    Good luck......
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2016
  8. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks...no he hasn't taken action, just said he would stop but then I caught him doing it again but worse... Then he said he'd stop again so basically he uses the fact that he knows I don't really know if he's stopped so my best guess is to my face he agrees but in reality he doesn't think it's causing any issues and what I don't know won't hurt me...That's how it seems...he's clueless. I don't know how to make him understand... He knows it's against everything I believe, he's the only person I've ever been with and I waited until we were married so...its a big blow...
     
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  9. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    Some other people who will be able to advise you are @TheWife, Gamerwife85, TheFiance and DireMerl - they spring to mind first off.
    I added a bit at the end of my first post about accountability software. If your hubby says to your face he will stop, he has to know consequences if he doesn't!! But until you can get him to see he's addicted, you don't have much to work with because they really don't see they are doing anything wrong until then. The amount of times my hubby told me it was 'as well as me and not instead of me', I could have punched him. As if that bloody helps!! But once I found this site - I get it!! It really isn't personal, it's nothing we've done and they don't love us any less - they just can't keep away from the porn stuff, what ever their 'thing' is. I got my son to block my hubby's favourite sites through our router. The fact that he knows he can't even open the web pages has helped him take away the temptation. Plus, now I have the Accountable2You. TheWife's story was the first one I read and it was almost identical to how I was feeling. I was so relieved that I wasn't the only person going through this and it can be helped - if they want to stop!
     
  10. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    My husband has done that lots of times. Promised he's quit and I caught him every time. You should think about insisting on a blocker. If he's serious about quitting then it shouldn't be a problem. It may well be that he has tried but finds it difficult. He probably figured that if you don't find out then it doesn't matter so much. You need to have an honest conversation. Tell him that you can't accept this. Show him the ted talks video, the journals on here and your brain on porn. Try to make him understand how much it is affecting your marriage.

    If he is still unwilling to quit then you must decide if you can put up with it. The children are not a reason to stay. If you're in an unhappy marriage, it will hurt them just as much if you continue to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. That's not good for your children.

    If he decides he wants to work things through then there are ways to help him with his fight. Like the blocking sites, accountability software, couples counselling. He could join this site and get advice from others. There are many tools at his disposal. But he has to want to stop. You can lead a horse to water and all that. Keep us posted xx
     
  11. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks all... Isn't life hard enough without creating problems for our marriage...so frustrating that I have to waste energy I don't have on this... And he does nothing and would be happy to continue on as long as I stop bringing it up...he has no care in the world it seems... Yeah I think I'll bring it up again tonight ugh.
     
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  12. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    My hubby didn't see it was an addiction until I pointed out that if it was alcohol, it would be hidden in a cupboard. With this, no doubt your hubby is in 'incognito mode' or at least hiding the fact that he's on porn sites and my hubby also hid emails in different folders he thought I wouldn't look in and spent money we couldn't afford. Once he had his proverbial 'frying pan round the head' moment, it's been brilliant. Hard for him, his story is on here too (@Silverback) but he has resisted the urges and let me put the accountability on for my peace of mind.
     
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  13. Jbird22

    Jbird22 Fapstronaut

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    That's good to hear he's come to that point... It's intetesting that my husband has never even drank once because he grew up with an alcoholic mom and was always scared he'd end up that way if he even tried it.... So addiction is definitely in his MO.
     
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  14. Silverback

    Silverback Fapstronaut

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    Persevere dear lady, if you want it that badly, fight for it.
    You're probably reading that thinking "Jerk"
    MJ did & it's working for us, hope you succeed
    SB
     
  15. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Everything ok? You've been very quiet lately? Hope you're ok xx
     
  16. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Hello,
    I'm here. Very very busy week. Have been away for the weekend plus we had our 10 year wedding anniversary and my sons 1st birthday. Crazy week. Will write a post in a moment. Just doing the usual bedtime madness routine....
     
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  17. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    There was no way on earth I wasn't going to fight for our marriage. It took a while for the penny to drop for @Silverback to realise how much he was hurting me/us but we're working together to make every day better.
     
  18. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    @Jbird22 welcome to NoFap. Sorry that you've had to come here but it is a great place to get the support that you need. I hope that you are able to get your husband to see he has a problem and for him to face it. Unfortunately until that happens things will not move forward. That is the super crappy part of being a partner and something that I have struggled with. We can't do this for them, they need to want to change and to take the steps themselves. It's shit. I hope that he sees the light very soon. You are in a tough situation, especially when there are kids. You need to have a think about what you will and won't put up with. What are your boundaries? You need to express these clearly, it sounds like you already have of many occasions, and then if he crosses the line it is time for firm consequences. Tough love. Maybe then he will hit rock bottom and wake up that he is risking his family. As much as it hurts, would you want an active addict around your kids? My kids have been the driving factor in everyone of my decisions. I want them to grow up in a healthy, loving environment where good relationship are modeled. I will not let them see someone treat their mother with disrespect. I'm sure you feel the same. Until your husband shows signs of accepting he has an issue, you need to prepare somethings for yourself and the kids in case you need to inact consequences. Stash money, look into what would need to happen if one of you was to move out (even temporarily), locate important paperwork and have it in a safe place, look into whether you need to consult a lawyer to get custody of the kids. I hope you don't need any of these things but better to be prepared and not need it than vice-versa. I see you started a journal, I'll pop over shortly and give you any other advice that I can think of.
     
  19. TheWife

    TheWife Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    So, this week has been crazy, but great crazy.

    We went away to the mountains for the weekend with two other families. It was brilliant. The kids played together, the adults drank great wine together, good food and lots of laughs. A truly amazing time. We had Saturday with just us at the chalet as our kids are too small to ski yet, but we did some sledding and built a snowman together. A terrific family day. it was The Dudes 1st birthday on the weekend. We all sang happy birthday and he smashed up a little cake hubby and Squeaky baked for him. Good times.

    Last week was our 10th wedding anniversary. A decade of marriage. We didn't really do anything to celebrate it, at my request. I felt a bit weird celebrating it when we are still going through issues. Hubby did say he was sad that we were not celebrating it. He gave me a bunch of lilies, my fav flower and he's going to rearrange the night out we missed due to a sick baby. I did give him a couple of his fav shirts and wrote a card telling him it's time we got him another wedding ring. The last one was lost whilst we were backpacking through Asia, it's somewhere in the Mekong river and it is quite a story. He was really happy to hear me say I want him to have a wedding ring again and said its something he's been wanting for a while. With the renovation we may have to wait a couple of months till the budget supports the purchase but it will happen soon. I think it is a good symbol of our commitment going forward. I've put back on my wedding ring too. We're going to make this work!

    Not too much else happening. Renovations continue in the attic. Hubby is going full steam ahead and making great progress.

    I feel a bit lost at times with trying to do things for myself. I've applied for a number of jobs but the market is tough. In one of the positions there was over 70 candidates! I've had a couple of interviews but nothing really concrete yet. It will come, but it is just a bit unsettling and my self esteem is a bit tattered already. I have been out a few times with friends. That's always a great pick-me-up. I'll just keep doing my one thing a day for me, something that makes me happy.

    Not much else to report. No news is good news!

    Stay strong everyone.
    X
     
  20. DireMerl

    DireMerl Fapstronaut

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    Glad to hear you're ok. Sounds like things are really picking up. Sometimes it's nice to do low key for anniversaries. Me and the husband don't really do anything spectacular. Usually just a nice meal at home and a bottle of wine. Its more about spending quality time together.

    Happy birthday to the little one. First birthday! It goes so fast. Xx
     
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