My journal - stories from The Wife of a porn addict

Glad you had a great weekend and I think the wedding ring idea is a really good one.

I'm a bit the same in the jobs - though I'm not out of work - there are always loads of applicants or all the admin jobs are wanting Excel experience and I have none! Anyway - fingers crossed for you. You're doing great

 

Both my girls were not really interested in potty training until one day they finally were. I tried games, bribes, punishments.....my oldest had it down by age three. My youngest was almost in kindergarten by them time she was only wearing underwear. The oldest was stubborn and the youngest just didn't care. She seriously couldn't be bothered. At the time, it seemed like diapers Would be part of our lives forever. Now I miss them being so little.

Compartmentalizations .....I'm guessing that this is a huge part of a PMO addicts life. With my husband, he compartmentalizes many seemingly incompatible things. Things that would seem to contradict each other....being morally outraged at something but not feeling like a hypocrite at his own behavior. It seems almost fundamental to hiding an addiction.

Btw, today is his day 30 of NoFap. Yay!

 

@WifeInTheDark I think you bring up a good point about compartmentalizing things. Just the other day my wife said I should be able to compartmentalize our relationship. "You're a man for goodness sake." She has no idea how compartmentalizing get has gotten me in trouble in the past. Yes I think addicts are masters at it. I can push some things so far back in my mind, I used think that I didn't even do them. It's all a lie. Lying to myself. I tired of compartmentalizing.

Hope you ladies have a great Sunday.

 

I'm sure my wife would feel nearing the same. I think ate a pint we even began to lie to ourselves. It's almost like split personalities, not to scary. I could place things so far in the back of my mind that I didn't realize I had done it. For me it was a way of hiding my actions and feelings. One thing my wife has had me do is completely come forward with everything I did to be unfaithful to her. This was really hard. I wrote it down so she could have it. After reading it and talking about it she took it and through it in the fire. The pain was still there but it was her way of letting go of what I had done. I had to then be completely honest with myself. Step 1. Then I could be completely honest with her. Step 2. I still struggle with this regarding my feelings and what upsets me. I hate confrontation and she is very good at it so I will bottle up my emotions, when negative, and just deal with them internally. It helps me when she exercises a calm and understanding tone when I am telling her how I feeling. This has helped her anger also.

I have dealt with PMO for 29, married for 15 and had several unfaithful relationships. It's hard to change the way you think. I like the accountability that NoFap provides. Even how little it is. I'm an only child so no one was there to tell on me when I should have gotten in trouble. But I am making progress to change. I love my family and I will do anything I need to do to be a better husband and father.

 

This is exactly how I'm thinking. This man that I've been married to for 17 years....I'm just now getting to know him for the first time. He has lied to himself for so long that the truth telling really seems to take a lot out of him.

As a shy teen, it took years of hard work to not only figure out who I was and what I stood for, but stand up and BE my authentic self .....it has always been a high priority in my life. When we dated, in my early 20's, I said the hard things. I spoke my truths and hoped that they wouldn't keep him from loving me. But all the while, he was hiding his own truths. He never seemed to even hear mine. I consider myself to be bold. I stand up for what's right and good and true. I try really hard not to judge people for their truths. But one thing I rally, really hate....have always hated....are people who are in denial. People who are dishonest with themselves and the people in their lives.

It's been a hard pill to swallow, trying to give extra love and support to someone who pretty much embodies what I don't like about humankind. I'm viewing my husband, who is now on day 32 of NoFap, as a completely different person from the man he was 33 days ago. THIS man is deserving of my love, affection, and support. The other guy was not. So, in the end, I guess I'm doing my own version of compartmentalization. I can love this new guy, who I feel like I'm dating. I'm getting to know him....as he gets to know himself. It's an interesting journey, watching him as he learns who he can be without the porn poisoning his mind.

There are days when he talks about the mental demons he's fighting when my first thought is, "how could you??". And I fight the urge (almost a compulsion) to compete with the images that are seared into his head. Those photoshopped bodies...bodies contorted with plastic surgery. I remind myself how mentally damaged and self loathing most of those women are. Then I remind myself that I'm more interesting than they will ever be.

Some days I feel like I need more of a support system to keep MY self esteem in tact so that I can be calm and listen and understand without judging. In his expressions, I can see how he struggles because he really misses the porn. He's never learned to self soothe. He doesn't know how to deal with anxiety or stressful situations. He has no tools because he has used the porn as medication for every negative emotion he's ever had: anxiety, sorrow, stress at work, stress from his parents, stress over finances, stress over relationships, the unknowable future.....

Hmmm....I guess I had more to say than I thought.
This process is really hard for him. It's really hard for me too.

-S

 

Wikipedia defined compartmentalization this way:

Compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.Compartmentalization allows these conflicting ideas to co-exist by inhibiting direct or explicit acknowledgement and interaction between separate compartmentalized self states.

How can a moral, religious person view porn? How can a family man view porn and have sex with his wife? How can a person return to this habit over and over again knowing it hurts the people around him? Compartmentalization fools us into thinking we can have our cake and eat it too... that we can have the best of both worlds. Its a mental tool that allows ourself to continue on with our daily life while holding on to this destructive addiction. Soon after we get addicted we start to think this way.

Anxiety? Yup. Conflict? Yes. Discomfort? That's an understatement. Part of healing I believe is reconciling your beliefs with your actions. I'm sick of being a hypocrite. Changing your thinking is not easy. Changing your behavior is not easy. Learning how to think and act like a normal human being after years of dysfunction is time consuming, uncomfortable, and scary. Thank you all for being patient with us.

 

Wow this sounds like a therapy session. @WifeInTheDark I don't think you are compartmentalizing his actions and the new husband you think you have. I think it's forgiveness. Forgiveness comes in layers. Sometimes our truths come out in layers, bits at a time, and that is like twisting the knife over and over again you. Express how you feel. This is a great place for support.

 

Yeah @CptCane it IS my therapy!

 

Hi Wifeinthedark,

I started reading your thread yesterday in the midst of this new crisis in my marriage. I always suspected, even walked in on the act several times but was lied to, manipulated and deceived the entire marriage. I walked in on him at 2am on Saturday. This was the worst time yet. A deal-breaker for me. He's been repeatedly warned of the reprucussions of his actions. Yet, he chose and has chosen porn, over me, every ounce of this relationship. I'm utterly devastated. I love him, adore him, and can't imagine my life without him. He is a man with great values, morals, and standards. At least what I thought, what he pretended to be. Over the years I have felt worthless, hopeless, lied too, cheated on, betrayed, less than, rejected, replaced, without purpose. I wanted the lies to stop, because I knew in my gut, if he could just come clean it will at the very least give me a glimpse of hope because at least I will have trust in him that he is honest with integrity. I don't have that luxury. I walked in on it, that's the only time to date that I have truth. He now comes clean and admits all or at least most of the deceit, who knows, but it's what I'm faced with. I see there is hope, but I'm soooo lost and so is he. He says he wants help, called for therapy, joined this group. It's a start on this journey.

I wanted to thank you for your open sharing of your story. It's the first page that grabbed my attention, personally. It helped me last night to be able to sleep at peace, at least for a few hours. I am ready for the fight to save my marriage, tired already, but I'm steadfast.

 

Hi

@Melissa1969 Welcome to the site. There are so many of us on here who have felt / are feeling the way you do but yes, there is hope! Especially as your husband sounds like he wants to stop. You say the first post you read was @WifeInTheDark ...... Read her husband's too - @i_wanna_get_better1 .....it's awesome! There are other great couples on here and plenty who can give you advice and encouragement, for both you and your husband. Mine & my hubby's stories are here - my hubby is @Silverback The first story I read was @TheWife. You both need complete honesty and communication so that you can learn to trust him again. We have some websites blocked through our router and we have Accountable2You on our devices for my own peace of mind too.
Good luck - and just remember, it's nothing personal about you - he doesn't love you any the less! It's an addiction. That was the hardest bit, I think, was how it makes you feel but hopefully you can both pull it round.

 

Thank you Mj, I was just enlightened and tagged in my husbands post. I wasn't even aware it existed. It obviously brought tears to my eyes, good tears this time. It definitely gives me a newfound glimmer of hope in all of this to see his clear dedication to commit to healing, saving our marriage. I appreciate all the help and support we can get, thank you again.

 

Good for you @Melissa1969! I'm glad that you're ready to fight because it WILL be a fight. You will both have to be fighting together though. I think it really can work, especially if you are using the NoFap resource TOGETHER. There are some couples where just one partner uses it and this works for them. But for me and my husband, it's been such a great resource and has sparked some really important, yet awkward, conversations that we both needed to have. We read the stories in different forums. Compare notes on what has worked for people and not worked and why we suspect people have relapses. It helps us talk about it in an analytical and not confrontational way.

Here's a perfect For instance, .......yesterday - I was riding a wave of emotional exhaustion. Feeling like I needed support and not feeling like I could be the supportive one. And since he has days where he is more fragile than others, I didn't really feel like I could dump all my negativity on him. So I came here and let all my anxiety and anger and darkness just all hang out. I expressed it all.....and retreated into my dark place. Curled up under the covers with my tablet and just totally checked out.

When he logged in, he read my post.

And then he stepped up.

He approached me. He made ME have the conversation. He encouraged ME to be open and honest about how I was feeling and then he said, "Come here.". He hugged me and consoled me and became the man I always wanted him to be. He was there for me and had MY back. He made me feel loved.

Two months ago, if someone told me that was possible in our relationship, I would have laughed in their face. Actually, I had a really similar conversation with a friend and I just shook my head chuckling softly because that is just not how we've ever operated and I couldn't even imagine a scenario where that could be true.

I feel like now that there is hope for our happily ever after. I'm not sure whether we could ever get to a point where I can 100% trust him. But day by day, there is more trust. And frankly, I never thought we'd get THIS far so who knows what the future could hold! At this point, I kinda think ANYTHING is possible!

I hope and wish this for you too!

 

Sometimes the smallest things they say or do are huge to us! My hubby is around 74 days now with no porn/webcams or emailing women etc and I am so proud of him for not giving in or having another tantrum and telling me again I was over reacting. We can now start with the being married part and enjoy each other. Sounds like you're both on the same page now, which is a great start.

 

That brought tears to my eyes!

 

Wow, your message certainly rings so true to me! I've been urning for "his approach" for years! Ironically, I was tagged in a post just an hour ago by a user on nofap who connected me to my husband while following my posts. He tagged me in my husbands post that I was completely oblivious he had even written, last night. Amazing, how much that meant to me, to see his own words, thoughts, effort, committment to change. Something so simple, with a world of meaning, just gave me so much hope. I'm grateful already where this support group is taking us. Aware of the tough road ahead, but hopeful nonetheless! Thank you!

 

That's awesome and encouraging to hear! My biggest question in all of this, is HOW WILL I EVER REALLY KNOW THE TRUTH?? There has NEVER been truth unless being caught redhanded. How do we trust, after knowing now what I know that the lies were countless?

 

I don't know about yours, but my husband expresses himself so much better in written form than talking. When he wrote things about how he felt about me and my support and our relationship and his experience through this.....reading his words made it more real for me. It made it easier to believe. And gave me something more to hold on to.

It gives me more of a glimpse into his emotional roller coaster. Which makes me more compassionate too. ❤️

 

Melissa1969 posted: "HOW WILL I EVER REALLY KNOW THE TRUTH?? There has NEVER been truth unless being caught redhanded. How do we trust, after knowing now what I know that the lies were countless?"

This part takes time. The proof is in the pudding. Seeing him find alternative ways to deal with his stressors....that for me, gives me hope. But these things take place over time. My husband has been at this reboot for less than 60 days. But the changes he's made during that time already make me trust him more than I did. Are we at 100%? Nope. But every day that he resists and learns new habits and new behaviors....every day that he puts behind him as this NEW man, that is a little more trust he's building with me.