My Journal. The weaker I get, the stronger I become.

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by emanuel_free, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    #Day 1

    Hi everybody sad day to me, I relapsed. My P is not on the screen but worst with girl neighbours that I've saw and got trapped like with P. I want to win this battle against me. I'm in anguish and pain on my heart and feeling like I betrayed everyone I know. There's no way I can block this windows so I have to stop watching on my own which makes things even harder.
    I know i'm giving a bad testimony on my own neighbourhood and that's killing me inside, I just hope that God in His supreme love and mercy will grant me the strength I need to defeat this goliat.

    I haven't lose hope.

    Like the band newsboys says :
    "Oh lord, I'm a different man You gave me a second chance
    I was lost, I was fallin' apart. But you came along, and you hit the restart"

    I'm not giving up so easily so please brothers PRAY FOR ME !! I NEED YOU !

    I've read Galatians 6.9-10 (ESV): "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith."

    It's on my signature now so I remember not to grow weary of doing good, and not to give up so I'll reap. In the meantime I'll be trying to motivate and help others to overcome as I do it too.

    I've started this journal to see the path i left behind me and to see the hand of the Lord and his Grace as I walk through it.

    Paul also said in 2 Co. 12.7-10 (MSG):

    "My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
    My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

    Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

    And I've never felt weaker so now It's time to win this with God's strength!
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2019
  2. HegHeu

    HegHeu Fapstronaut

    Was in a similar situation me behind the window was worst u can control pmo bit that thing is worst of worst seems uncontrollable best thing I did was get some screens and close them whole day I repeat whole day. If I need air or sunlight I go out. Take some drastic changes if need change your house if possible or if u stuck at that same point with relapses u will be cursing yourself . Adapt as fast as you can and change situation to where u know u will not relapse and win.
    emanuel_free likes this.
  3. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    Thanks for being there !! The worst part is that I had issues with P and I overcome it -not so long ago- with Lord's help and time. This, as you said, is the worst !

    Sadly I can't put screens right now but so I started to be conscious of every time i walk there i bounce my eyes out, trying not to look. I've got that from a fellow fapstronaut. But as soon as I can I'll surely add some screens !!
  4. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    #Day 2

    Yesterday I was tempted and glanced a bit through that window. I didn't see any girl. But couldn't help thinking "that's her shadow maybe she's there, wait a second and check it out" so I left immediately! I'm starting to look away every time, or trying at least. As i can't afford putting screens right now I'm taking the advice of @Tao Jones form Every Man's battle of bouncing my eyes out of there. Hopefully "out of sight, out of mind" as they say.

    I've also decided to do 15 min workout since I don't do sports at all. I want to start balancing my life step by step. So I've dusted off my TRX and trying to do it with youtube trainer. Will see how that goes for me. lol

    As Proverbs 16.9 says (MSG): "We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it." So I'll trust he will give me the strength that I so desperately need (Psalm 27). You don't need to use your force until you've to lift something up, or getting up from the couch. In life it's the same, God's shows us His almighty power through us in our weakness. That's how we'll get out of the swamp of sin (Psalm 40.2; Col 1.29; Eph 6.10).
    Tao Jones likes this.
  5. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    #Day 3

    I started that workout. Not bad for the first day I'm getting up really early so I can pray read the Word and do my excercise before work. Not easy I admit but totally worth it that is keeping me up more than coffee :) lol

    I just read this :
    Psalm 6 (MSG)
    A David Psalm
    6 1-2 Please, God, no more yelling,
    no more trips to the woodshed.
    Treat me nice for a change;
    I’m so starved for affection.

    2-3 Can’t you see I’m black-and-blue,
    beat up badly in bones and soul?
    God, how long will it take
    for you to let up?

    4-5 Break in, God, and break up this fight;
    if you love me at all, get me out of here.
    I’m no good to you dead, am I?
    I can’t sing in your choir if I’m buried in some tomb!

    6-7 I’m tired of all this—so tired. My bed
    has been floating forty days and nights
    On the flood of my tears.
    My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.
    The sockets of my eyes are black holes;
    nearly blind, I squint and grope.

    8-9 Get out of here, you Devil’s crew:
    at last God has heard my sobs.
    My requests have all been granted,
    my prayers are answered.

    10 Cowards, my enemies disappear.
    Disgraced, they turn tail and run.

    The sincerity of David on this Psalm opening to God like that is really awesome. I think we all are in this fight. "Starved for affection" of some kind maybe, some of us maybe "beat up badly" begging for the love of God to be free. Maybe you're not crying on you're bed for that, maybe you do. But you're not alone. I know I'm not. God is there. God, is always there not to judge, or to fight with you but to help you to "break up this fight" that is killing us.

    Have faith. Know that God listens that He will answer your prayers. Note that David never gave up, he kept fighting though he was badly beaten up. He didn't quit, he went for help to the One who helped him to fight Goliat. God answers and He will "break up this fight" until our "enemies disappear" and "they turn tail and run".

    That's my pray for today that we can all achieve that.

  6. Please continue to have faith and "trust the process". I know that you said you felt weak but you have to challenge yourself to change yourself. You have so much power within yourself that you are not even aware of. Continue to take things day by day and the small victories will soon add up to monumental milestones that very few can accomplish. The fact that you are even taking the 1st step in the NoFap is a testament to your strength. You have a huge network here of individuals who are rooting for you and want to see you succeed. Never forget that. When times get bleak, remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing and draw perseverance from that. Best of wishes to you in your journey brother.
  7. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    #Day 4

    Thank you for reading this. Thanks for being there and comment is so inspiring, and needed too!
    Thanks man! That's great advice I'll do that for sure.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    #Day 4

    Started to do some excercise each morning to get through this. It hurts ! ... a lot. But it is worth it !! I feel much better just to have the power of doing it.

    This is a short entrance to check in. To sum it up this 4 days I've been tempted a lot, and talking to someone about how ashamed I was to lust for girl neighbours that may noticed that i was staring through my window. Then I received this advice "DO NOT ADD SHAME TO IT, FOCUS ON OVERCOMING".
    So i'm doing that I know i'll win this war.

    I'm not alone. As @BiaForce said many of you are there in this with me so we can help each other.
    But let me add that "If God is for us, who can be against us." Rom. 8.31 The creator of the world is there to help me AND you to do this. Do not hesitate on looking His help too!!

    God bless everyone, and guide everyone out of this swamp (Psalms 40.2). -btw U2 has a song about this Psalm ;) -
  9. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    #Day 5

    Almost there to match my las streak. Yesterday was a great day, did some workout -still hurting btw-. Then going work i've tried something different. Someone recommended me to sing praises while driving to get my mind and heart set on the right place, and wow that really changed everything. Going back I've heard some preachings and It really helped me a lot through the day. It kept me focused. I'm gonna try everyday and see how it goes. Music plays a very important roll for each christian, is not that you sing like a rock star, but that you express all that you are to your Lord on praise and worship before Him.

    Also I've memoized this verses :

    Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day.
    Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.
    Prov. 23.17-18 (ESV)

    For those of us who believe in Christ, sometimes the things can get blurry along the way. And the indulges that we allow are due to "envy" to the sinners activities. We think we can do it better without God, we are so full of pride. Truth is that we can't, and that's why we are here. That's why you're reading this. If you believe in God, He won't let you down. He has a future for you, here on earth and then with Him on His glory. That's our hope. That's why we are here, seeking to do things God's way this time.

    If you don't believe, or just believe that God's is not doing nothing, just let me give you some piece of advise. We are the ones who defrauded Him, we allowed sin into our lives and we are to deal those consequences. But He is so real, and His Love for you is so big, that everyday you can seek for Him. If you're here, thinking that you're dying inside, just put your pride aside, and seek for God. He will give you life, He will revive your heart. And you'll be glad. (Psalm 69.32)

    Yes I'm here too, I've failed Him, so many times. But He is so faithful, so merciful that He forgives me, every single time that I repent. He helps me to get back on my feet so I can try again and do it better this time. The difference is not that christians are better, we are sinners too. But we have been forgiven for Christ Himself 1st John 1.9 says that if we talk to Him in pray confessing our sin He will forgive us. Then we can learn of our mistakes, and work harder to change that it made us fall.

    God bless you everyone. It's my pray that the Lord uses this journal to help others on their way to recovery and to meet Him as Saviour. :)
    Myfortress and Tao Jones like this.
  10. What is it that you see from the window exactly?

    I had something similar several years ago when my neighbor used to take her daily baths, and I would be peeking through the gaps in my window.

    Was a long time ago, probably 12 years or so. Always lead to MO.

    I don't recall how it stopped, but I am pretty sure it wasn't will power. I am a believer in Christ like you, but even that didn't help.

    I was in college though. I think I got a job later and was at the office when it was that time of the day when she used to take her bath. So it stopped by design.

    Several years later, I have moved on and live in a different place. But looking back, I am still ashamed of myself to this day for peeking.

    Don't want to pull you down or anything but based on my experience, it only goes downhill from here. I mean why would it not - you are in a position to indulge yourself, with very little chance of getting caught, plus there is no one around to stop.

    You need to do something to change this environment brother - like either keeping the windows always open so that she is aware, or trying to get out of that place during that time etc. I hope you get the idea- something that takes peeking out of the equation altogether.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2019
    emanuel_free likes this.
  11. Congratulations you are doing well. Keep finding good verses to memorize and praise songs to sing. When you are tempted, meditate on the verses and pray. You are going to win.
    emanuel_free likes this.
  12. Wilbraham

    Wilbraham Fapstronaut

    I have been in a similar situation as well. It ruined my relationship and only served to cause division between me and my loved ones and the neighbors as well. You can be sure that where there is division the evil one is close by. Where there is unity, also there is God. Remember that God gives us custody over our eyes and over our bodies. He gives us the gift of choice to either choose him or not. I have found that for years in my life, I would often times turn to God most assertively and passionately after I sinned. I would always seek his mercy but mostly because I felt guilty. I would fit God into my life rather than build my life around God.
    This changed when I came to realize that God is Love! he loves us just as much before, during, and after we sin. This led me to a more consistent prayer life and has helped me immensely. Praying at set times everyday, whether I've sinned or not. Read Scripture first thing in the morning and before bed. Thank God more frequently than petitioning God. The highest form of prayer is praise and thanksgiving. These tools will help you and in time lessen the frequency of your sin but also help you regain a sense of self-control. This doesn't mean that we won't fall again, I'm on day 10, but it does mean that we will more deeply recognize who we are without God, and that he must be at the center of our lives. Remember, its not you that Conquers personal sin, its Christ in you that sanctifies. Blessings!
    emanuel_free and Deleted Account like this.
  13. frogs2345

    frogs2345 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    I am really glad you are doing well. You seem to be growing in your faith. A lot of people I have met don't have near as much understanding as you do. Keep growing and learning.
    As CS Lewis writes in The Screwtape Letters, " The more the humans empty themselves and become more like God, the more they become themselves."
    Sin takes us out of ourselves. It leaves us on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere so that we run after it chasing some dream it promised us. We have God with us the whole time. We can call him in our time of need and he welcomes us back.

    I suggest you read Mere Christianity, by CS Lewis, and Crazy Love, by Francis Chan. These two books really opened my eyes about my faith, even though I believed since I was little.

    Good luck my friend.
    1 Peter 5:9
  14. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    Thanks a lot for your words. I'll certainly look for them !
  15. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    Amen !! Thanks a lot !
    Wilbraham likes this.
  16. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your experience! That helps a lot. I've been trying to avoid lookin or out of the place as much as I can at those times, not an easy job, but I'm trying.
  17. frogs2345

    frogs2345 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Find something that distracts you more.
    In the Greek tale of Jason and the Argonauts, when tempted by sirens, the men start to go mad. Thinking quickly, Orpheus plays a tune so beautiful, it draws the men to him instead of the sirens. When the temptresses call your name, play a new song that overshadows the old one. Find a hobby you have always wanted to do and do that instead. Mine was woodworking. I can safely say I don't think about PMOing while carving up a board. Make it something creative or physical that keeps your hands occupied. You are using porn to fill some gap in yourself, and when that gap opens up, it will suck in something else. Either porn, or anger, drugs, some other vise that hurts you. Fill it with Jesus.

    When there is a crack in a board that you need, the easy way to fix it is to glue it back together. However, it won't be as strong. The only true way to fix it, is to either joint it, or reuse it. When you joint it, you cut around the bad stuff, and fill it with real wood. You glue parts back together, but the glue is not the holding force. The joint is. Wood glue also takes time to dry. Porn is super glue. It dries quick and breaks often, leaving more damage. A master Craftsman ( God) can take any board and fix it or reuse it. Maybe you are in the wrong walk of life. Maybe you weren't meant to be a door, so you get turned into a table. God will find a way to do that, but you need to trust him.

    CS Lewis wrote once that asking for Jesus to change your life is like renovating a house. He said that what God wants is the last thing you want.

    You want measurable changes that you choose. God wants immeasurable changes. He will take out the damaged wall you don't want. And he will repour the foundation, and build a moat, and add hedges, and rewire the house and replumb the water lines. He wants to build a house to live in himself, because he intends to dwell within you. Trust him and let him work. Pray about what to do.

    Remember that if something causes you to sin, cut it out of your life. You don't need TV, video games, Facebook, or YouTube to live. The world has gone on for 2000 years without it, and can survive forever without it.
    emanuel_free likes this.
  18. Wilbraham

    Wilbraham Fapstronaut

    Mere Christianity is a great read. I love C.S. Lewis. Also, "The Screwtape Letters" and "The Great Divorce" are fantastic.
    emanuel_free likes this.
  19. emanuel_free

    emanuel_free Fapstronaut

    Thanks ! Great analogies there ! I've stopped all that TV, video games, Facebook, or YouTube. And I'm working on building on hobbies too. :) God bless you !!
    frogs2345 likes this.
  20. I totally tootallyy agree with you. People tend to fight by themselves without Jesus by their side and only pray after they fall. You should pray everyday, whether you have sinned or not. And don't forget to be consistent. One thing thay we don't do is call on Jesus when on the edge of falling. If you can flee from temptation, flee. But if you can't flee, call on Jesus. Never forget. Make Jesus your best friendn walk with him and always always call on him. Trust me by experience, he WILL help you!
    Wilbraham and emanuel_free like this.

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