My Journal. The weaker I get, the stronger I become.

New day. Yesterday walking out with my family and I was quite aware of the surroundings, I avoided the famous second look that could be a trigger. I'm trying to invest on more family time, and avoid being where I can be triggered or have p-subs around. Still on the road.

I'll try to keep wirting as much as I can here.

Today reading about God's mercy I realise that He has been so so so gracious and merciful to me. Every time after I PMO I feel like the man described on Psalms 36.1-4 (MSG)

The God-rebel tunes in to sedition—all ears, eager to sin. He has no regard for God, he stands insolent before him. He has smooth-talked himself into believing That his evil will never be noticed. Words gutter from his mouth, dishwater dirty.
Can’t remember when he did anything decent. Every time he goes to bed, he fathers another evil plot. When he’s loose on the streets, nobody’s safe. He plays with fire and doesn’t care who gets burned.

As I've read @Tao Jones saying on the Christian Group here, "we are professionals at lying to ourselves". And thinking that it won't affect us or that we can get caught or even not thinking the impact of our actions towards others, is simply foolish. How insensitive we can get through this.

Thanks to God for His Mercy as this Psalm continues on verses 5-6:

God’s love is meteoric,
his loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic,
his verdicts oceanic.
Yet in his largeness
nothing gets lost;
Not a man, not a mouse,
slips through the cracks.

I make mine the word's of the tax collector parable that Jesus told: ‘God, give mercy. Forgive me, a sinner.’ Luke 18.13 (MSG).

 

I've just posted this on a forum here.
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Don't give up we have to take the power that this has over you. Don't let that PMO tyranny run your life.

I found this bible verses helpful lately.

Romans 6.12-18 (MSG)
12-14 That means you must not give sin a vote in the way you conduct your lives. Don’t give it the time of day. Don’t even run little errands that are connected with that old way of life. Throw yourselves wholeheartedly and full-time—remember, you’ve been raised from the dead!—into God’s way of doing things. Sin can’t tell you how to live. After all, you’re not living under that old tyranny any longer. You’re living in the freedom of God.
What Is True Freedom?
15-18 So, since we’re out from under the old tyranny, does that mean we can live any old way we want? Since we’re free in the freedom of God, can we do anything that comes to mind? Hardly. You know well enough from your own experience that there are some acts of so-called freedom that destroy freedom. Offer yourselves to sin, for instance, and it’s your last free act. But offer yourselves to the ways of God and the freedom never quits. All your lives you’ve let sin tell you what to do. But thank God you’ve started listening to a new master, one whose commands set you free to live openly in His freedom!

May we all can find strength in God !
Blessings to all.
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I found that I've been living like the elephant of the circus story.

The Story of the Elephant in the Circus
I once went to a circus and saw a huge elephant tied to a small pole with a rope, just standing there. So I wondered why the is elephant so obedient and doesn’t break away from the stick with all of its enormous strength and mass. So they told me this story: once when the elephant was very young, it was tied to the pole the same way. Naturally, it didn’t like that and tried to escape, but try as it might, the rope and the pole were too strong for it. So the elephant eventually gave up.

Later on, when it was older, the elephant still believed it could not escape from the rope, and remained standing in the same place, despite the fact it could then easily escape.
(https://www.shlomifish.org/philosophy/psychology/elephant-in-the-circus/).

John MacArthur quotes Martyn LLoyd-Jones on this matter with a similar illustration that I've also found helpful:

"Martyn Lloyd‑Jones used to give an illustration of this. He said there were two fields with a little road in the middle, and all his life, before he knew Christ, he lived in the field over here. Satan was the dominant force in that field, and Satan drove him and dictated to him and told him what to do and his humanness and his flesh and his body was used for sin. And then, by the grace of God he crossed over into the new field. And that field is under the dominion of the Lord Jesus Christ, and it's controlled by righteousness and by holiness, and that is the new ruler and the new monarch.

But he said, “I always seem to have a hard time because I keep hearing Satan across the road yelling orders at me. And though I am not under his dominion, he has a very clever way of making me interested in what he's asking me to do.” There's no real tyranny there, but it comes to us in enticing terms, and often, though it's not necessary to do it, we fall prey to that very thing from which we've been delivered."
(https://www.gty.org/library/sermons-library/45-46/dying-to-live-part-2).

 

Reseting counter today P-sub = P. I can't allow that seconds looks. I won't quit i can't.