My Journal

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    So I have decided to start a journal. I am terrible with this kind of things. I guess I just don't like to share my feelings, but o well here goes.

    This last week was one of the worst weeks I had in a while. Anxiety has been plaguing me and I had such a horrible headache each day. I am only on day 4 now and doubt that it has anything to do with how I feel. In fact I think it helped me stay clean of PMO. Work has been getting more stressful and I can feel that I need a vacation.

    Tomorrow is Saturday, the worst day of the week for my PMO habits. My wife works on Saturdays and I am alone at home watching the kids. They are still small and its easy sitting them down in front of the television while I browse on my phone.

    I think I need to do some serious gardening tomorrow to keep me busy.
    As the saying goes: Idle hands are the devils playground
    Or
    The hand that doesn't hold a shovel holds a shaft...
     
    purplebat14 and Augustine_Hippo like this.
  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I struggle with journaling, too. It's not always helpful to me. So, treat this as a tool to aid you, not as yet another obligation.

    Do you use any sort of accountability software? That has really been a help to me on all my devices, especially for the times like you mention, when I am bored and more or less alone.
     
  3. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    I have looked at accountability software but all the good ones you have to pay for and at the moment I don't have extra money in my budget. My router also doesn't want to configure openDnS + I am a freaky tech guy who would love the challenge of bypassing all this more than the actual websites I would visit.

    No I will first try to do this the old fashioned way. Hopefully the day counter along with my OCD will be enough to keep me on track. (I do not want to see that sucker on 0 days :D )
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  4. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    14/10/19

    This weekend was tough. First my wife was at work Saturday morning so I had to keep myself busy with garden work. I constantly had to fight urges of my old habit but in the end I was successful. All glory to God!!

    The good thing is I realized one of my triggers is when she leaves the house. Its as if my brain is screaming at me to grab my phone and earphones and go crazy.

    Sunday I went to the mall to quickly get some groceries. Man its difficult in the summer when all the girls are wearing short dresses to keep my mind straight. Its the same feeling as going through thumbnails, My mind just can't seem to focus. My anxiety levels also spiked when I was at the mall. Hopefully after my mind reboots this will all go away some day.

    I started with a new electronic project to keep myself busy, its been a while since I built something and I must admit, I miss building projects like this.

    I know the urges will get stronger so I need to be prepared.
    All in all, I am still hanging in there.
     
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  5. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    16/10/19
    Today feels like it will be challenging. I can feel the urges swelling up inside.
    In my bible study I came across James 4:7-8 again and found it encouraging.
    'Resist the devil and he shall flee from you. Draw near to Elohim and He shall draw near to you.'
     
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  6. kaow84141718

    kaow84141718 Fapstronaut

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    Hebrews 12:2 - 2 Keeping our eyes on Jesus. (CSB)

    Keep your eyes focused on Jesus on an uplifted cross, spilling His blood, taking all of our sins and giving us His righteousness, being buried in a tomb, and rising three days later in Glory! That is the good news!

    2 Corinthians 5:17 - 17 Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come. (CSB)

    You are a new creation, no longer bound by the law (the power of sin). Christ sent us an Advocate/Helper: The Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit guides us to where there is ultimate comfort and rest and power: the beautiful, terrible cross.

    Keep up the good fight!
     
    Tao Jones, Nuhope and St3v0 like this.
  7. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    How are things going, @St3v0 ?
     
  8. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    @Tao Jones thing are going ok. I have not relapsed so far but its not easy. I saw a guy on nofap yesterday that relapsed after 400 days. Not very encouraging. Figure this will be a lifelong battle.
    I wish I could go back in time and kick myself in the balls the first time I watched P.
    How is it going on your side?
     
  9. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    All is well here. One day at a time. One thought at a time. It does get easier over time (I have been in active recovery for over six years), but the commitment to mindful, intentional purity is indeed a lifelong one.
     
  10. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    21/10/2019

    Ok so the weekend was a nightmare. I didn't have much to do around the house as I basically finished everything last weekend. Luckily my wife was at home so I did have some adult supervision :emoji_sweat_smile:.
    I was looking for a new Anime series to watch and boom... There it was. Ads with girls are everywhere. Seems as if the ad blocker on my phone doesn't block those type of ads. You know the feeling when your eyes don't want to turn, your head is turning away but your eyes keep looking even after a 180 degree turn. :emoji_eyes:

    I was really tempted but decided to hold out hoping me and the misses could get busy later that night... and then she didn't feel too well last night. :emoji_tired_face:
    I think, seeing as I am busy building stuff, I should build an automatic ball kicker so that I can go stand in front of that thing every once in a while. (I don't need to make any more kids anyway)

    Aaah the joys of an addict on the internet.The first 10 days was child's play compared to now.
    Thank God I am still clean.
     
  11. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    A P-sub is still P -- it serves the same purpose in your mind and works to keep you inflamed in lust.

    The advice of Hebrews 12:1 is "let us throw off everything that hinders". Jesus is even more direct in Matthew 5: "If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away." Maybe anime needs to be off the menu for a while? Or maybe forever?

    We will not get free of P without making sacrifices along the way. What are you willing to give up in order to get free and stay free?
     
  12. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    Hi @Tao Jones. I don't know if this could be considered as full P-Sub. Its just a girl in a bikini.
    I figure if I fall to something like that then I wont ever be able to go to a mall as the ads in the windows are basically on the same level. You know, its everywhere. I need to get stronger to deal with it better.

    I don't know. Its all new to me, the important part is I did not pursue it.
    As for the anime, it keeps my mind occupied. I just need to click faster before the ads load. That one just took me by surprise. :emoji_laughing:
    Any way, thanks for the support. I will definitely be more careful.
     
  13. mrtumnus

    mrtumnus Fapstronaut

    Yes, but porn is "just" naked people doing stuff. Some cultures it's totally fine for women to go around topless. It doesn't really matter what the presentation is. The problem is in the heart. I can lust just fine after a girl in a baggy sweater and pants. For me, an anime girl in a bikini would just remind me of all the hentai I've consumed. Really introspect and ask yourself how you feel about it to determine whether something is a "P-sub" or not. Then, avoid it! Even if it means never watching a certain type of show or staying home from the mall.

    Not intending to beat on you. Good job on 16 days!
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  14. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    Hi. Yes I totally agree with you that P-Subs can be anything that can get you going. For me its just how you handle situations where you are faced with something like that.
    Example. If the ad with the sexy bikini girl pops up. I can either keep looking and decide no way this is too hot and start searching for more and go full relapse or I can see it look at it and decide NO I am moving on, this is my past life.
    You won't always be able to avoid temptation its how you handle it that matters to me.

    The best thing I have heard in a long time - If you defeat yourself once you will have enough confidence in your abilities to do it again

    Anyway thats how I feel about it. I understand if someone is not strong enough yet to walk away, then avoid at all costs. But I want to be strong enough to see (not look) and walk away.
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  15. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Keep us posted on how that works out for you. :)
     
  16. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    24/10/19
    I have been sick in bed with a flu for the last two days and Today I folded like a lawn chair. There was no real reason except boredom and maybe just wanting to feel better for a moment.
    Once I reached for my phone it was as if my brain went on auto pilot.

    Its amazing how hard reality hits you when you're done.
    At leat I can say, when you are laying face plowed in the dirt you can only go up from there. I feel motivated by the fact that since starting nofap I have abstained for the longest period since I can remember.
    Now I will just need to try harder.
    Those who fail are those who stop trying.
     
  17. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    5/11/2019
    It has been a while since I posted here in my journal. Not much to say I guess.
    I have been feeling down the last couple of days but that is apparently normal. Also got some great advice from the guys in the community here.

    One thing that I also did was join a war at Conqueredself.com. I must say that really motivates me to stay on track but I can't believe how much people fell out of the war in the first 4 days. It just shows how hard this battle really is and I guess you have to be in it for the right reasons.

    Today I prayed aloud for the first time in a very long time.This felt like a breakthrough to me and I really need to push through and keep at it. I need to grow closer to God for my sake as well as for my children's sake.

    One thing I have been thinking of lately is how great it would be if I get past these first stages and then be able to help others more.
    I can honestly say I am amazed at the guys wisdom and empathy in this group.
    Once again I can't thank God and you guys enough for the support.
     
    mrtumnus and Tao Jones like this.
  18. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    11/11/2019
    Its day 17 for me, if I remember correctly this was the time I last failed and relapsed. I must say I feel a lot stronger now than I did last time. I realize that I should never let my guard down but I feel I have really grown in the last two weeks.
    I am listening to the audio book 'the unseen realm' and it is really giving me a new perspective on what is taught in the Bible and also who God YHWH is and what our role in life is. Great book for anyone interested in what goes on behind the scenes in the Bible.

    In the PMO war on conquered self a lot of team mates have fallen. I cannot imagine how hard it must be if you have to do this without God's help.

    Anyway there is only one way and that is forward!!!
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  19. St3v0

    St3v0 Fapstronaut

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    13/11/2019

    So I read a guys journey to freedom on conquered self which inspired me a lot.
    I have decided to change my daily routine to the following to try and improve my discipline in different areas in my life. Today was only my second day so far that I have done this but so far I feel great.
    So here is my routine that I strive for:

    Wake up at 5:30 am (normally I would sleep until 6:30), I hope to push this later to 5:00 am

    Do a quick exercise routine. I am extremely unfit so as far as this goes it consists of 30 pushups and 30 squats. I will definitely expand on this (why I need to wake up earlier)

    Quick cold shower - I must say this is awesome, wakes me up completely for my next step.

    Bible study - I decided that I am tired of just reading the Bible. I want to start studying it. I bought a book by Michael Heiser that teaches you how to study the Bible or at least what to look for. Very excited by this.

    Then lastly a quick 5 min meditation - I am very new to this. Downloaded headspace and will see where this goes.

    Well that is my challenge to myself
     
  20. purplebat14

    purplebat14 Fapstronaut

    Its very inspiring to read your journal. I am sure you will made it! I wish you the best!
     
    St3v0 likes this.

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