My Journal

Day 8

Hello, everyone!
So, I feel like a journal will be a good thing. As of now, however, there isn't much to report. I am so free of this! It is a miracle from God. In this moment, as I write this, the only urge I can identify is to jump on my piano.
I am fully aware, though, of what is called spiritual overconfidence.
Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.
(1 Corinthians 10:12)

Today, I feel like my primary goal should be to not get distracted or loosing focus, but diligently and with zeal to seek God and the Kingdom and the treasures thereof.

One concern I have, and I feel I should keep reminding myself of, is this: that I would not make an idol out of my efforts/works. All glory be to God, this is His doing and not mine. I should not be proud, overconfident nor forget my other responsibilities.
There is this text in Jeremiah, about what it means to know the Lord.

This is what the Lord says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from the hand of the oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or violence to the foreigner, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed innocent blood in this place.
. . .
“Does it make you a king to have more and more cedar?
Did not your father have food and drink?
He did what was right and just, so all went well with him.
He defended the cause of the poor and needy, and so all went well.
Is that not what it means to know me?” declares the Lord.
(Jeremiah 22)

Thanks be to God. Eternal glory, and honor, and praise, and worship be to God - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Holy, Holy, Holy art Thou! Hosanna in the highest!
Gloria in excelsis Deo!

 

I am well aware of the fragility and weakness of the flesh. I am open for any advise. I am open for any criticism. We are strong, when we are together.

 

Thank you! A lot! I feel the support everyone here provides me with and I am lost for words to express my gratitude and appreciation.

 

Day 9

Last night I got to my piano. After 7 months of traveling. I tried Beethoven's 17th sonata, but realized I have forgotten everything. I looked the score and slowly started picking the keys until at some point I was in "the zone" or something - my fingers remembered the piece, although I didn't. Turns out, I played it so much it became muscle memory at some point, all I had to do was relax and give in to emotion.

In the evening my thoughts wondered as I was kind of reviewing the past 7 months. Inevitably I thought of my many failures. I don't know if this is a "thing", but I want to be completely honest and this is why I want to share. So as I looked back, my mind was saying "Dude, that's just wrong, man!". But my body did have a reaction. I could absolutely distinguish between the two. "I" and "the sin that dwells in me". There are three things I got out of this:
1/ mental image isn't nearly as powerful as real image or video. It's totally beatable and although it gets wedged, it does fade away, howbeit very slowly;
2/ physical arousal leads to nothing if you don't "engage" with it and it dies out on it's own after 5 to 10 minutes;
3/ better not to look back, lest I turn into a pillar of salt. Because I felt bad from just thinking about it. I will not do that again.
Today I had planned a lot of things, but most of my plans failed. I was so angry at one point. I don't remember being so angry in years. But all is well now.

Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.
(Ephesians 4:26 & 27)

I have noticed, that when I am angry, or bitter, or disappointed I let my guard down. You really can't separate different aspects of your life and work on them individually. I think my issues are to be addressed in their entirety and complexity. All is linked.

This is maybe one of the reasons why I started thinking about my other nasty habit - smoking. And I know how it sounds. "This is way too ambitious", but I have some experience from last year. I stopped for a while and, let me tell you, if you have smoked as long as I had, you cannot think of other cravings when you crave nicotine. It sort of replaces anything else and pushes it back.

It is inevitable to meet temptations in this world. I am safe at home, but like today, I have to go out and work. Praise be to God, I noticed it takes me a split second to look the other way when facing my temptations.
My computer time is strictly limited to particular activities - I go in, watch exactly what I have planned to watch, spend some time here, and I go out! That's it!

I hope you are all well! Best of wishes! I feel your loving support. I pray for you, also. May God bless all of us and have mercy upon us!

 

Psalm 130
A Song of Ascents.

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

 

Thank you, @value!

 

Day 10

Nice day, beautiful weather here. I had the opportunity to witness to someone. I hope I did as best as I could. I rest in the firm believe that the Holy Spirit will do the rest. Thanks be to God for giving me this chance and for guiding me all the way through.
The guys from the garage told me they don't know how to fix my car and now I have to do everything by myself. I need my car for I live in kind of a remote place. At the same time my boss is breathing in my neck, probably ready with my next assignment. Oh, I just need some rest. I feel very well at home. It's a small village between two forest covered mountains on the banks of a river. But my job always sends me abroad, I can't enjoy it as much as I wish. Now I will stop murmuring.
In terms of fasting, I am focused on the date 15th of November - that's 40 days before Christmas. I'll try to last 40 days with no smoking and no coffee (and no evil thoughts, needless to add).
So, as I spend most of my time today in the open, meeting people, looking at the world spinning around me and I felt so awkward and terribly appalled from the pmo addiction. I was extremely ashamed.
I am more and more frequently remembering my childhood. The memories are coming back, but so vivid. Call me crazy, but it's almost as if I am picking it up from where I left - I was 12 yesterday and now BAAM I'm 35 today and everything goes on. All the bad things from the inbetween are disintegrating and fading away. This old me was so distant. But not by the years past, but by the evil I brought in my life. And throwing away the garbage I see him. He was never distant, he was just obscured. In fact I'm still him, just didn't know it.
And with all those unresolved issues remaining around me, I am at peace. Supernatural peace. How do you thank the Lord for all that! I think David has the answer -

O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
(Psalm 51)

May we all be blessed with repentance as powerful as David's.

 

Day 11
Beautiful day! I was trying to push everything for tomorrow. Then a friend asked me for help for tomorrow. And here I was in the afternoon fitting different tasks on a very tight schedule, when I felt a surge of desire to reduce some of the tasks. I said "why don't I get on with it". I think the problem with laziness is failing to start. By the way the fear of starting a journey (I had that: fear of accidents, reservations, breakdowns, weather - you name it) also go away once you get on the road. The operation is started, the Rubicon is crossed, no turning back and then you notice the sun is shining, the music is cool, everything goes smooth. Starting a big endeavour or enterprise is followed by much the same kind of worry and anxiety.
Why worry, anyways, about anything. And why fear chance, when we know that

The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the LORD.
(Proverbs 16:33)
and the contrast made in the same book -
The slothful man saith, There is a lion without, I shall be slain in the streets.
(Proverbs 22:13)
The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as a lion.
(Proverbs 28:1)

I didn't plan to arrange everything, but solving one thing motivates you to get on with the next. So I managed to make my entire day tomorrow absolutely free!
I have heard many people here discussing procrastination. This I find to be a huge part of the problem with any addiction. Idleness leads to corruption, doesn't it? Huge point taken from today!

Today, I am remembering a lot from Proverbs. There the theme of laziness and diligence is much discussed. I won't quote them, for I will certainly miss some. Plus, we do all for the glory of Christ. That's why we do everything well. You know, even something as small as washing the dishes.

Shame has me still in it's grips. I know it's a trap.

 

Day 12

We did a fine job today. I was in the city and among lots of people.
I was not looking at the crowd with an intentional search for anything, but I did notice. And I did want to take "a second" look. It's still there, but I feel much more prepared and protected.
Sexual desire is there for a reason. Like the ejection handles in a jet-fighter. If you pull them, you will be ejected! If instead of something in there you need to pull, you pull them - then it is your own incompetence, that will lead to disaster, and there is nothing wrong with the jet.
There is noting wrong with sexual desire, either, but I have abused my sexuality, through my own foolishness. It's miss-configured, miss-adjusted, it's so messed up, that I prefer to shut it down, altogether. This is not a sustainable solution, I think, but should go on with it.
On the other hand, I can't always hide in my cave.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not complaining, I am happy. This is a great achievement.
I have had 90+ days, but it was all a lie - no "p", yes; no "m", yes; no "o", yes - but I would fantasize, I would have these filthy thoughts, or I would tolerate the physical aspects of it all, understand some form of stimulation. How shall I put it, sometimes your inaction is a deliberate action, when you wake up in the morning in a certain position, with a certain "condition". And all this with all sorts of excuses: "this is not "p"", "I'm not doing anything!", "these are just thoughts, what can you do about them?". All lies!
I don't think I was 12 days clean. Like, clean! Where I would chase the thoughts, guard my eyes, actively seek de-escalation of certain normal morning, i'll use it again, "conditions".
So many things I didn't admit. But mainly, because I had little understanding of my faultiness.

But the Lord is gracious in that He searches our hearts and brings things on the surface. That we may learn, receive understanding and wisdom from Him and through Him overcome. For His Holy Name's sake and for His glory!

 

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon us the sinners!
Amen.

 

Day 14

Yesterday I went to read some secular psychiatrists. I don't get my answers from them, I don't think they have any, but just for a framework. They are good at tossing the coin, sort of speaking, just for a push in some direction. This inevitably got me face to face with some demons and had me started on an extensive writing on the subject of the thin red line between boldness and recklessness, between safety and hesitance and between composure and indecision.
I raise these questions in line with our calling to be the salt of the world, hence in the world, though not of the world. This calls for striking a wise balance. That we would not bury our talents in the ground and simply go hide somewhere, but be bold.
I have several pages as of now with some, in my humble opinion, worthy ideas, but it doesn't seem right yet. I don't know. It might be a bad advise all the way through.
I will hold this for now. I feel, I need to do a lot more listening, than talking. And, I certainly don't want to be a stumbling block for someone, who might read what I am writing.

Reading a lot about the monastic life in my country. Always been fascinated by it. Few things I got out of my research - you don't have to join an order or go to a monastery to live like this and, second, the notion that they live completely secluded life is a myth. People here, traditionally and for centuries, were coming to the monastery to seek for advice, or help, or answers, or heeling, sometimes in huge numbers.

As an answer to my prayers, that the Lord may reveal to me more and more, and I may know Him better and better, I was referred to the same text from Jeremiah 22, I quoted earlier - about knowing the Lord. Every time you do something good for someone, every time you forgive someone, most importantly - every time you love, you get closer and closer to Him. You know Him more and more. You are more in His presence.

Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
(Matthew 25)

 

Day 15

I want to write this, so I can get it off my chests.

Once you step away from "pmo", and look at it with a clear mind, you see it's a shack, built on a quick sand. The whole thing is absurd! I remember, I would get excited from the perversion of a particular thing, rather than the thing itself. I remember, I was actually bored by it, at one point.
And here is the absurdity of it. If your desire is directed to someone, so objectified, what sustains your desire, then? For how can you have desire towards an object? Forgive my brutal cynicism, but no one is moved to "hump" a sofa, because it's so good looking. The engine that can drive you to like someone, or find them attractive, or have desire, can only be love, and then love towards a person, not an "object". This can ONLY be achieved through a meaningful relationship with that someone. How is the model/actress "cute"? A cat is cute. Does anyone have sexual feelings towards it? So the only source of her "cuteness", could be her person. You could only have feelings towards HER. This construction can only hold, if you love her, and otherwise it's just absurd! It makes no sense. But, if you do love her, how could you do this to her?! How will you defile her, humiliate her, reduce her to an animal. This whole thing with "p" has a design flaw in it, that will inevitably cause it to collapse on itself. It simply holds no water.

How did I miss this? How could it escape me for so long? It is so simple! It so simple and obvious, I don't understand how could have I be so ignorant. The stupidest part of this situation is that none of what I wrote is a new information. I haven't discovered anything. So I knew it all along, then? So I was trapped in a prison, with no bars, or doors? How?!

Thanks be to God for letting me see this!

 

(... continued)
In addition,

I'm even beginning to question how much of those "kinks" and "fetishes" were mine, to begin with. And weren't they brainwashed into me. Let me take it a step further. How many of those who claim they are gay, actually are, and how many were just caught up in the "system", the propaganda of it. Always seeking the next level of perversion, running around in circles, trapped in that vicious cycle, feeding only on itself. It's like that closed loop from "The Little Prince", do you remember -
“What are you doing?’ he asked the drunkard, who was sitting silently in front of a collection of bottles, some empty and some full. ‘I’m drinking,’ replied the drunkard gloomily. ‘Why do you drink?’ the little prince asked. ‘To forget,’ replied the drunkard. ‘To forget what?’ enquired the little prince, who already felt sorry for him. ‘To forget that I’m ashamed,’ confessed the drunkard hanging his head. ‘Ashamed of what?’ asked the little prince, who wanted to help him. ‘Ashamed of drinking!’ ended the drunkard, with-drawing into a permanent silence. And the little prince left, puzzled. Grown-ups really are very strange, mused the little prince as he continued on his travels.”

* * *

Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things.
Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;
Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers,
Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful:
Who knowing the judgment of God, that they which commit such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but have pleasure in them that do them.
(from Romans 1)