My Journal

Day 44

Massive assaults, flashbacks, all sorts of things during the last few days. So here I am amidst of all this, sitting on my sofa, weighing how much is at stake here. Then it hit me! What am I weighing it against? What has lust to offer, that I would put on the scales? I went over what is it that I used to find "pleasurable" in pmo. You see, I was even before, becoming aware of the fact that I am not enjoying it. With this in mind I was noticing, during "sessions", that I never smiled. Yes, never! I was, at one point, starting to consciously study whether I did or not. And there were only two occasions, were a grin would briefly appear, but it was the grin of psychopath whose mind is completely hijacked. The feeling is more of finding yourself, for whatever reason, in a middle of a bank robbery, and it's too late to back off, yet you certainly don't want to be there. Sort of a trap. And never was it happy. There was never joy.
And I continued: I am a male in his prime, desire for intimacy and affection are genuine. Yes, it is, and it is unfortunate I have no outlet. But pmo is not an outlet and never was. You see, if you want a house, you can go to the bank, with your wonderful wife, and use the money you have earned to buy a new family home, or you can go the bank to rob it. Same trip, very different feeling. Plus, how will a house, bought with murder, be a home? And how can one enjoy it?
You notice, I said murder? Yes, for adultery is in a way murder. And my theory is not far fetched. Proverbs makes the illustration, portraying lust as a harlot, who brings foolish men to the grave. But most importantly, it is the light that you reject in order to enter the darkness.
See, our Lord is the Light.

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.
(John 8:12)

So, this darkness is in itself absence of life. And that is exactly how you feel.

The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.
But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness!
(Matthew 6:22 & 23)

How can you enjoy anything in the middle of a murderous crime? "But", someone may say "the feeling is so strong!". True, if you smash your finger with a hammer, your feelings will be VERY strong, how does that change what I said? Can you enjoy this strong feeling? It is powerful, but brings you no happiness, no joy, no satisfaction. it's fake and empty, that's why it can not produce satisfaction of what is a genuine desire. That's why I said, yeah, it's unfortunate I am alone, but I can't substitute love for lust, because - A) it wont work, and B) it will bring me only pain and tangible death!
My thoughts immediately brought me back in school. Am I remembering things, these days! I was only ONCE in love with a girl and that was then. I would love only to be in her company, I would make these little gestures to see her smile, I would feel myself at ease. I was more myself, when I was with her. I would mind to look good for her, and for all my insecurities, I felt like I did. I liked myself more, because of her! Mind you, we were not intimate at all, yet this level of romantic excitement I experienced no more.
She was a normal girl, not the holywood supermodel type, but for me she was. She had this presence, kindness, inner beauty. Even if she was ugly, I wouldn't know it.
When I think of it, there are two kids sitting through math class in my story. Yet, it's the real deal!
You see, sex is great between husband and wife, who love each other. It has the potential to give life. While pmo is death and murder.

 

The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined.
. . .
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.
Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. The zeal of the Lord of hosts will perform this.
(Isaiah 9)

 

Day 49
Went back to the origin of sin and my study Bible said something very eye-opening. Adam and Eve already knew the good! That's so obvious, I don't understand how did I missed it! But they knew not the evil, so they were also not fully aware of the good. Therefor the knowledge of good and evil is in a way the discernment of the two, that goes through the knowledge of evil.
It is written: lean not unto thine own understanding and also we walk by faith and not by sight.
I wish I had someone to tell me that, when I was a kid. When I knew the good but knew not the evil. I needed someone to tell me: "do this, because this is the right thing to do" and "don't do this, because it is wrong".
"But why?"
"Because I say so!" - that's great parenting! That's a great answer. That should be enough. It must be elaborated further, at some point, that it's, most importantly, "because God says so!".
What a bliss! To live in your ignorance of sin! As a child I was so blessed and I didn't know it. But if there was someone to tell me with authority and assertiveness. To set some non-negotiables that I would not question. That I would not seek to explore for myself.
My parents are believers, but were somehow liberal and not very strict. I am not blaming them for anything! Is it realistic to think I could stay in my sterile bubble of childhood forever? Maybe not.

But the real point is faith, and trust, and firm belief, and depending on God with complete confidence, even when you don't see, understand or know. There can be many assaults against our bodies, souls or minds and that's when we should fall back to the non-negotiable truths and have faith!

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
(Proverbs 3:5 & 6)

 

Day 52
I was reading Saint Augustine and he said exactly what I tried to say, but could not.

But what was it that delighted me save to love and to be loved? Still I did
not keep the moderate way of the love of mind to mind--the bright path of
friendship. Instead, the mists of passion steamed up out of the puddly concupiscence
of the flesh, and the hot imagination of puberty, and they so obscured and overcast
my heart that I was unable to distinguish pure affection from unholy desire. Both
boiled confusedly within me, and dragged my unstable youth down over the cliffs of
unchaste desires and plunged me into a gulf of infamy.
. . .
If only there had been someone to regulate my disorder and turn to my
profit the fleeting beauties of the things around me, and to fix a bound to their
sweetness, so that the tides of my youth might have spent themselves upon the
shore of marriage! Then they might have been tranquilized and satisfied with
having children, as thy law prescribes, O Lord--O thou who dost form the offspring
of our death and art able also with a tender hand to blunt the thorns which were
excluded from thy paradise!
. . .
But, fool that I was, I foamed in my wickedness as the sea and, forsaking
thee, followed the rushing of my own tide, and burst out of all thy bounds. But I did
not escape thy scourges. For what mortal can do so? Thou wast always by me,
mercifully angry and flavoring all my unlawful pleasures with bitter discontent, in
order that I might seek pleasures free from discontent. But where could I find such
pleasure save in thee, O Lord--save in thee, who dost teach us by sorrow, who
woundest us to heal us, and dost kill us that we may not die apart from thee. Where
was I, and how far was I exiled from the delights of thy house, in that sixteenth year
of the age of my flesh, when the madness of lust held full sway in me--that madness
which grants indulgence to human shamelessness, even though it is forbidden by
thy laws--and I gave myself entirely to it? Meanwhile, my family took no care to
save me from ruin by marriage, for their sole care was that I should learn how to
make a powerful speech and become a persuasive orator.

[Saint Augustine, "Confessions"; Book 2, Ch. 1 & 2]

Back in the day the parents arranged the marriage, not rarely, even by request of the children themselves. And that's how it was for centuries. Also, life was tied from an early age with hard work, fulfilling God's commandment to cultivate the land and have dominion and stewardship over creation.
Now we have education, careers, success . . . vanity! All is vanity!

 

Yes!
Too much overthinking leads nowhere. I often tell myself not to look back, lest I become a pillar of salt.
We must look forward and focus on Christ, surrendering ourselves to Him completely and serving Him wholeheartedly and diligently.

 

St Augustine is indeed great. The culture in which he grew up and lived was strikingly similar to ours. Paganism, materialism, shamelessness. Very few things were taboo in the Roman world. He is speaking to us directly and sometimes, I feel like he is verbalising my own thoughts. And is it any wonder, that Christians from all nations and ages speak like one?

I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.
(Galatians 2:20)

 

Day 53

Now after the death of Moses the servant of the Lord it came to pass, that the Lord spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying,
. . .
Be strong and of a good courage: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land, which I sware unto their fathers to give them.
Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest.
This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
(Joshua 1)

You see, we are called to a fight, a battle. There is a lot of military language and terminology in the Bible. This is why I wanted to look into it as a man with zero military experience and learn a thing or two. Here's what I got.
You see, the job of the soldier is not to save his skin, but to complete the objectives and the orders of his commander. Then, of course, watch over his skin in addition. Not - "I had a great day today, lying face down in my foxhole, afraid to stick out my nose. No one fired at me!"; "Oh, great job soldier! We need more like you!"
Our enemy is cunning and the battle is so much more like today's asymmetrical battlefield, than what I used to picture. It is not stationary, positional, fortified warfare, but highly mobile, swift, and full of unpredictable surprises. You either answer with vigorous determination or you bury your head in the sand and wait to be overcome.
Look at the armor of God. The shield was as much defensive as an offensive piece of equipment, while the sword is exclusively offensive. Remember "the gates of hell shall not prevail"? When are the gates part of a warfare? When you storm them! When you attack them!
Fighting is different than other activities. If you are building a house and you stop for some period of time, you can continue from where you've stopped. Well, if you've stopped in the middle of pouring concrete, there will be some setbacks, but still. Yet if you stop fighting, not only you will lose all progress on your objectives, but will suffer losses and casualties, and you'll be back to square one, but worse than you were before. I should add, you don't have to stop. It's enough to lose the initiative. To become slack, less watchful, less diligent, less vigilant, less zealous and more lukewarm
. . .

 

Day 55
The words from a sermon I watched still ring in my ears. The pastor was telling about his time in South America: "I met 15 yo men there, when I came home I met 35 yo boys!"
The whole sermon made me feel awkward and ashamed. It's so true looking at what I consider problems and struggles.
Someone says: "I'm at the limits of my endurance". Oh, dear friend, your endurance is a vast country! Set on a journey and after days of travel the border will still not be at sight. We know nothing about the limits of our endurance.
You know few times a year my job gets pretty intense - both physical and mental stress with sleep deprivation, heavy labor and much responsibility. I find something there, that is a bit liberating. Don't declare me crazy, just yet! Liberating, i say, because you come to the awareness of your fragility and weakness. And you accept it. This is, sort of an execution of your pride and ego. You're not so big, after all! You're not so tough, are you? You, almost, look pathetic in your own eyes. But what can you do, other than to just accept the facts and be humbled by the circumstances, embracing the reality of your weakness. May I say it's liberating?
And though I might be under pressure every now and then, I still know nothing about suffering and pain. I know so little about struggling in life. Praise be to God!
Little food for thought: Do I express my gratitude for the graces showered upon me? Do I think often about the things I am spared from? Am I living up to what is expected of me - to be responsible, reliable, disciplined man? Man! With the appropriate mentality of one.

 

That's going to sound very silly.
So, after a shower, I start shaving myself with one of those disposable plastic shavers with I don't know how many blades, that's supposed to be an innovation. I can't remember how many times I was so frustrated with those! So, I decide I'm done, I'm buying a razor. like a grandpa-type, folding straight blade, belt-sharpen, all that stuff. Then I think: "dude, you gonna kill yourself with this thing". And I pause for a moment. But, that's how it was always done, until recently. Am I the dumbest man on earth to think this an issue? I looked up some videos on the subject and got very sad. For some strangers were teaching me, what my dad should have had. Not this particular type, but in general. I had to figure out shaving on my own, because my dad was never around. There are so many things he didn't teach me.
But, along side, there are these other things I need to re-learn. Or learn. Like fishing, building fire, setting up a tent - I have done all of these, perhaps once or twice. Reluctantly. And I received surprisingly little instruction on those. I'm such a city guy, but even among those, I think I'll stand out as the most incompetent.
I am not pointing fingers. It's no one's fault, but mine - if I wanted to, I could have taught myself these. Or gone hunting, riding a horse, whatever. I wasted so much time and energy to stupid things, but not to teach myself basic stuff?!
Thanks be to the Lord! I feel like waking up from a bad dream. And it's a beautiful morning! And I just don't know where to start with all the wonderful things I could do. I just wish I do them in service of Him. Through His grace and for His glory. Not another selfish pursuit.
O, Lord God, Thy will be done! Teach us to discern.