May 08, 2023 - Day 3. Been here so many times. I get so excited to restart. It always goes the same way, I binge and fail and feel so bad about myself. Eventually I get to such a low that I decide that I need to start over. I get so excited to restart and I start off so strong. It always seems thought that I restart right before a weekend. Weekends are easy for me. Weekends I'm surrounded by my family. It's always when the week starts that it's difficult. Just like today. Stress at work, and makes me feel like quitting what I started only a few days ago. I've done all the reading and what not, but it's like my body knows that sitting in front a computer is the opportunity for escape. I had this thought on Friday that God is not only the answer, but in reality he is my refuse, my shelter, and should be my escape but for 24 years I've used porn as my escape and I can't escape it's grasp on me. It's horrible but I own my own company so I answer to no one. I have a private office and although I have covenant eyes on my computer, my brain quickly finds ways to get what it wants. I think what's difficult is that as soon as I sit at my computer, I feel the urge. It's like my brain can only focus on God, or on porn but not both - well that just makes sense. But why can't I control it at all. It's like yesterday I had thoughts and urges, but I was easily able to pray them away, but today I don't want to pray, I don't want God to save me. It's so horrible. I'm at a point that getting past 3 days is so impossible. Oh how I wish I could forget about porn and just focus on my relationship with Christ. But then I feel like I can't have a relationship with Christ when I can't even properly repent of my sins because I feel like I'm just going to fail again, just like I have thousands of times. I saw a post the other day which said, stay away from porn because porn leads to adultery and adultery leads to divorce. This is so true for me. Porn and lust destroyed my marriage. I had no resistance to porn, so I had no resistance when a real opportunity came up. I hate myself for what I've done. I hate myself for being so addicted that I can't make it a couple of days. Lord save me.
Welcome back to the forum! I read through your past posts and see you have been here for about 3 years. There is so much I could write and say about your first post here. I spent over 30 years of my life viewing P, PMO, and being addicted. Being on this site has been one of the greatest things to help me. I may not have a lot of days on my counter but I've enjoyed more sobriety that I have all my life. I am regaining control of my life again! One of the keys to my recovery was realizing it takes work and time. It is usually not something you can put behind you in just a few days. Check out these threads when you get a chance. I think they will be helpful. https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/how-to-stay-sober-one-day-at-a-time.344965/ https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/celebrate-recoverys-eight-principles.308005/ I look forward to encouraging and helping you any way I can!
I committed this sin for an even greater span of time than you. I vowed to quit, hundreds perhaps thousands of times. When I looked back at those attempts that lasted the longest, I saw that they all ended when I became lazy about praying from my heart. Like you, I really wanted to quit, I was disgusted with myself and I began a reboot with real zeal. As I built up a bit of success, I attributed the success to my own willpower and I became complacent with my prayer. At first I substituted prayer by rote, while I was busy doing something else - I just recited the words. Then I quit praying all together and not too many days later, I relapsed. Prayer from your heart is the only answer. We are all weak and pathetic humans. Our willpower will never be enough. It is only by praying to God and contritely asking Him to enter our hearts and fight our temptations that we will succeed. If you feel you don't have a relationship with Jesus, start by considering what God does for you each moment of each day. From the incredible construction of the very fabric of matter, to the air you breath and the food you eat. Consider the amazing creativity of God and the vision He has to construct an entire universe, over 13.5 billion light years in expanse and all that is in it. Look at the beauty He of His creations and marvel at His genius but most of all consider his unconditional love for you. God conceded to send His Only Son to live among simple, selfish humans to show us the way and atone for the sins of each of us. No other god, contrived by man, has ever done something so selfless. No matter what you have done, Our Lord stands ready to pull you out of the pit you have dug, clean you off and declare you a new man. A new man, dead to sin and alive in Christ. Start your relationship with Christ by recognizing His love and you will develop a desire to love Him back. Then pray. Pray with your heart and never stop. Then purity will be yours and you will become the man you want to be and the man God intended for you to be when He made you.
Desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures. Once upon a time, I could not sit in front of a computer without acting out. So I made a change and stopped sitting in front of a computer altogether for about two years. That helped break the hold that P had over me. It's been a long journey since then, but that was what started the ball rolling. The peace and freedom of recovery are worth any price you must pay. And make no mistake -- discipleship will cost you something!
May 10, 2023 - Day 2 So basically right after I posted my journal I started to feel very tempted. On Monday I hadn't set up any blockers on my phone or tablet and in the afternoon I started peek. As you all know, that was the end. I tried to resist and then peeked and eventually I couldn't sleep and made the mistake of getting up. I'm grateful, I immediately felt horrible and installed porn blockers. Truthfully porn blockers are only so effective. I know all the websites that you can get a 'hit' from without it being legitimate porn. For the consideration of all of you, I wont mentioned what they are, but unfortunately when you're tempted, even a woman in a swimsuit is a hit and if that's all you got, that's all you got. Sadly it's as bad as watching my mother smoke the last bits of her cigarette buts. Today, sadly I'm not in a frame of mind of doing this. I don't have the choice but to work on my computer - which does have a porn blocker, but as I mentioned, this is only so effective. I'm starting my day off being on here; reading your messages and reminding myself of all the good that comes from resisting this temptation. It feels like 7 days would be impossible for me, let alone anything longer. Lord God, please soften my heart to only want the things you want.
I recommend checking out Jay Stringer's book Unwanted. It provides a pretty full-orbed take on recovery from porn. He has some free articles available online, too. Start here: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/09/28/what-sexual-fantasies-might-say-about-you/ More here: https://www.covenanteyes.com/author/jay-stringer/ You have to start asking the question: "why am I using porn? what is it giving me? what holes is it filling?" Instead of just trying to stop using it, go ahead and do the hard work of processing why you keep going back.
