My journey on nofap so far after 183 porn free

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Pursuitofinnerhappiness, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. Pursuitofinnerhappiness

    Pursuitofinnerhappiness New Fapstronaut

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    Hi all, first time I ever written a post here but I need people that have similar experiences to point me in the right direction.
    My story bit long but I need to share my truth.
    I'm 26 years old and never had a girlfriend, never had sex due to each time having ED and feeling completely disconected from the act, even kissing make me feel completely disconnected with no real feeling whatsoever. I don't have a clue how it really feels to be in love.
    Had few wetdreams around 6 years old, didnt have a clue what it was.
    Few years later when I was on my own I saw porn on tv and felt arroused just by looking and it became an habit to every then and then when my dad would be gone to just watch it. Then for few years it stopped again till I got to high school my friends used put porn and it does me nothing till when I was 13 I masturbated without porn for first time, it escalated pretty quick and a year later I had my room and internet and then I would masturbate only to porn, masturbating without it became hard.
    By that time one girl did kiss and it did me absolutely nothing, I thought is because I was still virgin. At 18 years old my drinking problem came up and went to an escort place and couldnt get an erection I thought it was cause I drank to much.
    During following years I would not find a gf, and if I would have a chance I didn't feel real feelings and would feel to disconnected in dates in a way that I didnt have a clue what to do.
    When I was 21 my habits were porn, alcohol and drugs it escalated quick, porn was sometimes quick sometimes binging and the videos became more and more extreme.
    In 2017 my alcohol and drug use got completelly out of hand and while drugging I would binge for hours without an erection to extreme porn, had couple ocassions with girls where I felt disconnected and had ED and it completelly screwed my self esteem cause 2 occasions I was sober and still couldn't do it, I blamed it on the girl that maybe I had no real love for her. November last year I went escorts was my craziest alcohol and drug binge and even with pill (nofap dont allow to use the name of it, is the one to get an erection) didn't go up, that day I realised first of all I had an alcohol problem and seeked for help, went to AA got a sponsor, worked the program and thanks GOD I've been 9 month sober now and don't feel need to drink, my life changed in 9 month in such a way that I believe in miracles now.
    During recovery Porn use went down to once a week and it was very quick but in march I kissed a girl and again had ED and felt disconnected, it made me cry and prayed for help and next day I discovered nofap and PIED and discovered another addiction I had long before alcohol, explaining why even when I was sober I still couldn't really look people specially girls in the eyes and feel no real attraction.
    From end of march from that moment I stopped porn completelly, masturbation went down to once a week and even that I stopped as long as possible.
    Ive been today 183 days porn free, masturbation I had a total 144 days clean, my first longest streak was 48 days in Apr-june then masturbated 8 times in total and had another streak of 53 days till september, during last streak a girl tried with me had no ED when she was just sitting next to me and not trying anything but next day she really tried and had ED and felt disconected, she tried twice and nothing I had only presemen and next morning morning wood, I think I need a real conection she just want sex, she haven't tried anymore and I dont think I want it if its gonna be like this.
    During the streak I had 3 wetdream which I didnt have since kid, and on the 8th I masturbated pure on sensation, felt like the first time, on the 10th same happend and today I did it and felt remorseful about it cause it was quick, on sensation but not as great, I really want to recover from this, I have to be grateful with last 9 month as its been a big progress my life was misery before, and yes Im an alcoholic and guarantee you porn is same kind of addiction as drugs, main purpose is a rush in dopamine and to get a reward. I really want now to feel emotions and a real conection with a girl and not torture my self cause I masturbated once, main fear when I masturbate is that it could throw all my progress through the bin, I feel a bit down no, this too should pass, this time I really feel its just not worth to masturbate, is like saying I'm just gonna have one drink, after 9 month sober I know I can't even have a sip cause the first one does the damage. Sorry for long story, I hope I helped someone with this, I believe just like when I quit alcohol is a journey you just need to stick to it, today I look everybody in the eyes, just need to have faith that I will feel real connection to a girl as that for me is far more important than sex.

    Thank you guys for any advice on this love you all!
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2018
    ApprenticeInWar likes this.
  2. Navegante

    Navegante Fapstronaut

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    I cannot advise you on which direction to take because I am on day 165. However it seems to me that you are doing well. Quitting alcohol is a mayor step. I can relate to that because I've been using weed for almost 15 years and drug use is always the consecuence of something else, not the cause. You are also doing well with nofap, the issue here it that it takes even more time to see the results.

    You are trying to improve yourself man, and that's the best thing. Results will come sooner or later.
     
  3. Pursuitofinnerhappiness

    Pursuitofinnerhappiness New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your message, indeed we need patience with this, up and downs is part of the journey, both make you grow up, my program of recovery 12 steps which I work everyday, my Higher power of my own understanding got me out of misery, I'm a guy that can not not drink and couldnt stay sober and here I am 9 month later sober, with a life that changed drastically, new job that I always wanted, got out of massive finance trouble being now stable, good house, and thanks to that power I even stayed away from porn over 6 month now, so yes I want get what I wont when I want it but when the time is right, Im free of porn and indeed one thing is amazing is that despite being virgin my main interest is to find a real conection and not just sex for a quick reward, I believe nofap is all about that ! Still today if I had to go back in time I wouldn't change anything as it got me here where I am today, there no bigger gift than going rock bottom and going up, makes your spirit grow :)
    Feeling great today :)
     
    Navegante likes this.

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