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Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Tari Legong, Sep 4, 2020.
Yes Thors, work hard and believe is the best we can make, stay strong!
So, today was great!
Even after noticing my bad grades, I kept insisting, I studied a lot, even more than before the exam. So I'm proud of myself because I didn't stop to be sad and call me garbage, no! I get up and keep fighting!
Also,for the first time after i reapsed,i had a dirty dream, I dreamed that I relapsed, lol xD. My brain knows how to deceive me, it was crazy, I woke up very scared, but everything was fine, it's not my fault, my brain is trying to do everything to close the dopamine circuit, but it won't win! this shit is buried!
After the dirty dream, I woke up and took a cold shower. For the first time I really could feel the benefits of the cold shower, it really relieved me, I felt better and the urges were gone.
Well, i can't believe i'm here writing this, but yeah, i relapsed to masturbation some minutes ago. Three days sleeping bad were enough to let my guard down. I had an wet dream today and i was very lazy, all of a sudden. Yesterday i was okay! really! except for a dirty dream, i did everything i ought to.
No excuses, i failed, i made promises, i tried, and i can't deny i improved a little, but here i am, sharing my fall. Next time i need to treat myself better, i relapsed cause i stopped thinking, i was pushing hard but in a wrong direction. I need to take care of myself, sleep better. Anyway, after failure there will be sucess. Failure with improvement is the path to sucess.
Accept this failure and improve yourself upon it. Good luck,Tari.
Thank you Thors, let's work in the failure, no time to feel bad. I'll try to make it more simple this time, objective and basic.
That's one good way of going at it. Good luck!
Okay, so i am back to this journal to express my toughts. The last two days were just about reflection and feeling bad. But it was a start, i didn't binge or edged, i was feeling so disgusted about falling that i just couldn't accept doing this. Here's what i discovered with my relapse:
-I already knew about the chemical process, but i forgot about this. I tossed this aside. I mean, the dopamine circuit is a real thing, don't matter how inspired you feel, it is there, it's a fact. So i need to face that the urges come because that's how my brain learned to release dopamine. Well, if you don't replace your habits, like me. These urges will hit so hard that if your reason is down in the moment, you gonna fail. It's basically your irrational side taking control of your reason.
It means that i can't restrict myself of constant releases of dopamine during the days. If i don't exercise, dance or whatever that makes me release dopamine, those urges will hit me in a powerful way, because that's how it works, my brain needs to release it.
The greatest thing i learned is this: restrict myself will only make it worse, the change must come within myself, with new habits that will make my brain release dopamine in a healthier way.
I'm back to this journal cause i feel i need to put something out. The last week was just amazing, i managed to study like in the old days, i wake up, eat, exercise, take a shower, drink a cup of coffe and hit the books all night long! The problem is that i am kinda rusty, so i get a little angry when i miss or delay too much to answer a question. It makes me feel tired and the urges come hard. However, i have to understand that this is just the beginning, that's why it's so hard, and i need to keep trying, cause after all that struggle, there will be sucess, there will be the self-confidence and all the great and valuable things. I have to stay strong and keep fighting for my dreams. If i relapse, i'll feel down and my studies will keep the same shit, i have to fight these urges...
These last two posts of yours really resonate with me, thank you for sharing!
In the one from Sep 22, you adress a fear that I have, the fear of just staring into an empty void when there's no online material for me to distract myself with. The process of filling that void with healthy and truly rewarding occupations will be hard but so worthwhile
The one from Sep 28 is so good to read!!! I really miss that energy for studying within myself. It's one of the reasons why I'm starting this process again...
Well, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, and best of luck!
It is great to hear that my struggles could help you someway! and yeah! restraining or lacking of pleasure is a great enemy, that's why we must find something to relax and reward ourselves. And about studying, it is important and also dangerous, at least to myself, cause at the same time i develop discipline, i can get really pissed off hahaha. And welcome back! keep fighting, don't matter what and do not quit!
It is 4 am here and i woke up in the middle of a wet dream, i went to the bathroom and then tried to sleep again, but the urges hit me very hard and i had a wood. Now i'm here, i can't go to sleep or my brain tricks me very hard. I'm going to take a shower, meditate, make a coffe and do something productive, it sounds like a great idea!
This is the moment, i know people who have experience say we shouldn't count the days, but i never ever stayed away from porn more than 15 days. It's personal, i want this milestone, also, i know it can make my ego grow up, so after reaching this milestone i need to keep my feet on the ground and keep doing everything as if it was the first week of nofap. But i believe this milestone is something that will make my self-confidence even better. Anyway, study, meditation, exercise and fighting those urges is the way.
As far as i have memory, i never did it till 16 days. It is nothing, but also it shows up about self-improvement. NoFap is working, don't matter what happens next, i can see the results in my way of thinking and self-confidence.
Last weekend i had a two days exam. I didn't get good grades but i could see the difference in the way i dealed with my lack of knowledge while doing the exam. Instead of leaving a question behind, i tried everything i knew to solve them, the answer is that i know more than i thought. The problem is more about faith and perseverance than of knowlege itself, because when you have these two, you can reach anything you want.
Good to see you're going strong! Keep up the great work
And it's interesting to read about how your perception and focus seemed to be different during the exam. Who knows what else you will discover as you continue living like this?
I think both of us want to see what awaits in the future if we keep fighting this addiction! And about the perception, it's something i thought that could change, but when you are on pmo it's hard to see the life with a clear sight. Keep going @PotentialJukebox, i'm sure it's just the start to both of us, fighting!
For two days in a roll i had wet dreams which i remember and a nightmare, both days i had to get up to clean myself and then go to sleep again. It really bothers me cause it is affecting my sleep and i am feeling anger for no reason. I must meditade, take a cold shower and keep going, i need to relax a bit.
The more I get aware, the more I see how fucked up my brain is, I feel like shit right now for letting myself doing this for so long and just kept going knowing that it makes me feel bad, I'm feeling dumb and stupid right now, it's like I am looking my situation as another person and asking 'what the fuck is that guy doing to his own life?'. I just can't believe I dream about fetishized porn and enjoy it someway, I don't even want to have that thoughts in my mind, I don't even want to remember that all this shit happened in my life. I need to keep going, I'm really sick of myself and the way I use to deal with failure, I feel I've been very immature and impatient. But with nofap I feel mature and confident, I face my struggles everyday, now, somehow, thanks to nofap, I have strength to face it. I must keep resisting and believe in the process, don't matter how much I improved during the day.
EDIT: three days in a roll, last time also had a dream....
I feel that, all that time spent with PMO habits kind of feels worse than lost, straight up harmful to who we really are / want to be. Wish you the strength to keep resisting indeed, as it has worked so well for others rewiring their brain to overcome these habits. You've got this!