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My journey to the end of the night

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by KBF, Jun 6, 2015.

Page 2 of 2
  1. Jul 26, 2020 #21
    Easycomeeasygo

    Easycomeeasygo Fapstronaut

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    Hi there

    One thing I really don't understand is the guilt people feel about fap. I don't feel guilt I just feel so bad, like a real addict ( cant believe it is not classified as an addiction yet). I have brain fog like crazy now and no motivation and maybe border lining on depression yet my brain fog is so severe its like I am starring death in the eyes. Its this utter numbness and nothing interest me.

    Don't know if this is normal
     
    Easycomeeasygo, Jul 26, 2020
    Easycomeeasygo, Jul 26, 2020
    #21
  2. Jul 26, 2020 #22
    KBF

    KBF Fapstronaut

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    Friend,

    Speaking for myself here, the guilt comes from having acted against one's better judgement, acted in a way that harms one's person, having willingly duped oneself. We are ultimately responsible for our behaviour. It's very natural given the self-destructiveness of this addiction – as of all addictions – to feel guilty about it.

    I have also had little to no motivation, numbness, and brain fog, almost bordering on pain, since relapsing.

    But this pain would have all been for nothing if we do not learn from it. If we learn from it, if we remember this pain to propel ourselves forward and pull ourselves out of this addiction, then it would have served us. Pain is a function of self-defense and self-preservation inherent to any living organism: if you put your finger into a flame, the intense pain will make you want to pull out your finger quickly. If you felt no pain, then you could do very damaging things to your body. So, pain can be useful. The tricky thing about addiction is that there is pain if you indulge it – because it is essentially self-destructive behaviour – and pain when you try to break it – because the addiction has taken a kind of life on its own, has become a kind of organism parasitical to our lives, and will cause pain if it is not fed. The pain of breaking the addiction, however, is a fake pain, because it does not serve us, but serves the addiction. But since our brains are naturally designed to respond to pain by seeking to alleviate it in the quickest way possible, we fall back on our addictive behaviour, thinking it is the medicine, when it is actually the source of our pain in the first place.

    I appreciate your keeping my thread alive. It motivates me to be reminded I am not alone in this struggle. Let us never give up, and let us seek to learn and our grow from our mistakes.
     
    KBF, Jul 26, 2020
    KBF, Jul 26, 2020
    #22
  3. Jul 29, 2020 #23
    Easycomeeasygo

    Easycomeeasygo Fapstronaut

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    Hi KBF

    Tonight I literally felt pain and I threw up. I read up on this and yes you can actually throw up from withdrawal. Its no jokes being addicted to PMO for 20 years.

    These days I get terrible porn flash backs and of course still anger / mood issues. Anxiety is also pretty common, mostly financial but also fear of death. Also my compulsive OCD is coming through, I want the world to be perfect mentality and the fact that its not, drives me to the roof.

    My withdrawals today were so bad I felt nerve pains inside my brain. Remember I did PMO like 5 or 6, times a day for 20 years.

    I also fear the new me, if that makes sense. I don't know what I will become when im rebooted because I never knew myself really before PMO. What I mean is I've been living a PMO lifestyle for so long, I don't know what other life there is.

    Nausea was kind of scary though but I really in general had one of the worst days ever. It feels like im in a desert and am lost, and it does not matter if I turn left, right or back or forward, I am still going to remain in the desert. And what people tell me in Nofap is I must embrace the dessert. Trust me I do not embrace withdrawals, it feels shit. It feels real, it feels part of me. So I can't do what other people suggest and that is to embrace withdrawals.

    I have one female friend that knows about all of this so im hanging on to that, plus im hanging on to goals, financial like getting a house, working hard although im agitated as fuck, and I need to hike as well. One thing I know is, I wont relapse because that I already made my mind up about.

    I would rather die in the desert than to go back to PMO.
     
    Easycomeeasygo, Jul 29, 2020
    Easycomeeasygo, Jul 29, 2020
    #23
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