My Journey Towards Peace (Journal)

Thank you @Sadgirl - I've seen a little bit of it from someone posting it on here, and I do think it would be good for him to see. It's just finding a good time to make him sit down and watch it and actually pay attention to it that's the problem. He has ADHD so it's hard to get him to really focus. That's why reading is hard for him, too. But yes, I do want to show it to him. Just don't want him to be too hard on himself either, he's dealing with a lot of depressive thoughts now that he doesn't have an outlet to release them. That's most of why I'm kind of backing off and letting him do his thing. I just have to hope that he won't hurt me again. If he does, I'm gone, and he knows that.

 

Random Thursday update time!

So I've been taking it easy a little bit, kind of letting him have the time he needs to try to sort through his issues on his own, if he can. Kind of like I did before, but this time I'm not just 'letting it slide'. I will ask him questions if there are questions plaguing me. I will still check in with him about how he's doing with everything, urges and such. However, I am still finding it hard to trust what he says. I dread having another D-day. Because we'd both know at that point that it's over. We'd have to separate all of our belongings and find other places to live.

For my own sanity, though... I refuse to plague him about it every single day. When I was doing that, I was driving myself insane with anxiety and panic, letting every little thought drive me to jump to the worst conclusions. I did get a few answers to questions I had last night, like if he'd ever actually paid for P (he hasn't and I believe him) and that he has done 'edging' before but it was way before we were together. I have one other question that I'm kind of avoiding asking, and it's not really a disclosure question, more of a 'would you ever have stopped had I been okay with it?' kind of deal. I just want to know that he's in this because he knows that P is bad for his mental health, not just because it's what I expect from him. But I don't want it to turn into a battle. Anyone have any thoughts on how I can bring this up?

 

He said it this way when he explained it to me (well, this is how I understood it anyway, his version was much more simplistic): "I never cared about making it last longer, I just wanted the release". It makes sense to me that he hasn't done this lately because he doesn't even have a wide timeframe in which to MO (unless I'm not around on a weekend). I leave at like 7:50 in the morning and he leaves at 8:30. So he has just that long to get ready for work.

As for why it matters - It feels to me like extending the duration of MO sessions makes it feel worse in my head for some reason. Like he'd be focused more on the pleasure of it than the release? Does that make sense? He's always said he didn't really get much 'pleasure' from MOing, it was just the release he was after. So it would have upset me to learn that he'd extended the MO sessions to get more pleasure when he could have just waited and made love to me that night. To me it's the same amount of effort.

He later clarified this as well... he kind of meant 'average' as in how I present myself to people. Not how attractive he thought I was on a scale of 1-10 or anything like that, which was what I was asking. So he really took my question and gave an out-of-context answer. And he's right, I don't really try to stick out, I "appear" average. I could try harder, but that's just not me. I don't wear makeup or dress to 'impress'. I prefer comfort over style. But I still want to think I'm a 10 in his eyes. So I suppose I should re-ask this question of him and see what he says now that he's been P-free for a while.

And no - That was the first and last time he will ever have a photo or video of me. He knows this. I expect respect and to feel like a human being.

Here's my problem today - He has a cold, and has missed a lot of time from work. He's "dying", as most men do when they have colds. I've come down with it too, but I'm okay and going to work. YET, he managed to MO yesterday morning with plenty of energy and then went to work for half the day and came home "exhausted". Should this not piss me off?

His 'willpower' attempt does worry me. I'm pretty sure he knows this. I'll clarify again if I need to. But I'm not giving up just yet. I'll give another ultimatum if it comes to that. I'm kind of waiting to see when he'll relapse to P. When that happens, I'll set more boundaries, because clearly, this 'willpower' thing can't work.

 

Thank you @TryingToHeal - I have already told him that we will not be getting married until I know for sure that he will be able to make an honest vow. I wouldn't be able to handle even one single lie after making such an intense promise. My vows will be for life. I've definitely built up enough self-respect to know not to jump in before we're both ready. Thankfully, he is really trying now and we're in a far better place today than when this journey first started. We talked via text message about yesterday and he's doing some research about why he M'd and we're going to talk about it tonight. Thank you so much for your kindness.

 

This post might turn long, but I have an update from yesterday. As some of you in the USA probably know, Maine had a huge wind-storm on Sunday night/Monday morning that left half of the state without power. That's why I haven't been online in a bit, we just got power back last night. Tuesday night, my fiance and I each went to our parents houses because they both had power, mine never lost it and his had a generator. So we were apart for the night.

I received a text message from him early yesterday morning before work. He had done something quite strange. I will put the details in a trigger warning.

Spoiler: NSFW/Trigger Warning

He had been having a fantasy about anal play on himself, and had acted on the urge that night in the shower. He had been wanting to talk to me about it, but losing power made it sort of complicated. He couldn't stop himself from trying it, and said he had done it before, way back, but had pushed it aside and thought it was just a phase. Now he is pretty sure he is bisexual. He did not M other than that, but said it felt very good. The next morning he had urges to look at men's penises and think about how it would feel to have sex with a man or use a dildo. So he went on Craigslist and looked at some personal ads with photos. He did not M to those either, but said it turned him on to think about how it would feel.

I. Was. Crushed. Don't get me wrong, I am so, so thankful he had the courage to tell me immediately that this had happened. He did make a post about it in the Rebooting In A Relationship forum titled 'Need Help' and he reset his counter. So, anyone with input, please, please help him if you have any ideas. We talked about it for hours last night, and he has been able to communicate things to me in a clear way. I suppose this was more about defining his sexuality than keeping his PMO addiction alive. I am trying so, so hard not to hold this against him, as I know he repressed a lot of things about himself when he was younger and I know that can only make PMO addiction worse. But Craigslist gave me a huge trigger, as I've read the horror stories about it on here. This has been the closest to actually cheating that he's ever gotten. He did say he had no intention of messaging anyone on there... but I know it's a deep and dangerous rabbit hole to start to climb into.

I am working so hard not to be angry. But how could he compartmentalize something like that when he knew it would trigger me? I am having such a hard time trying to differentiate when he's just after release and when he's actually acting on a fantasy. It's really complicated, especially because he didn't O from what he did. Should I tell him it's okay to explore this part of himself? It makes me a little bit uneasy because of a past relationship of mine, but should I offer to help him explore it?

I am still working on finding a counselor for my own trauma stuff and he has said that he'd still like to go too. But if anyone can tell me what I should be doing to help him through this, I'd really appreciate it.

 

Thank you @Kenzi - I've got to sit down and truly establish a boundaries list so that he knows where I draw the line. Do you think I should just put relapse as a boundary? Or is that super unrealistic? I just don't think I can handle any more pain at this point. He's replaced chrome with a browser that doesn't have incognito on his phone, so I can go on and check his history at any point and he's fine with that. He knows damn well not to hide anything at this point. He even opened a flood gate when I asked about ogling at work. He's seen your Ogling thread. There was apparently a time in the past few months where he imagined a girl at work naked and didn't tell me about that little slip-up... though his excuse was that it was so unimportant to him that he "forgot" about it... which really hurt if I'm honest. Because those are the things I expected him to tell me. So he's REALLY deep in the fantasy rabbit hole too. If he can compartmentalize it that much... what won't he do?
We've both scheduled counseling appointments. So it's a step. We had a rough night in which he got worse with his depression as I've ever seen because I blew up about the work thing... let's just say I had no choice but to bring all of the ammo we have to work with me. That was really scary for both of us. I never want it to get that bad again. I will not relent, though. I refuse to let something so stupid wreck what we've built. I printed off the workbook that @AnonymousAnnaXOXO had referenced in the resources thread and we will be working on that gradually. I think it will really help him.

 

Right. I'll think deep about what I actually count as a relapse. And I'll show him the ogling scale again, maybe write it out in my own words and definitions. Gah, I just really wish I didn't have to do all this. I wish it could just occur to him that I'm a human and deseve way more respect than this. No human deserves to feel like they come second in their relationship according to the other person.
On the other hand, I know damn well this has nothing to do with me. I guess I wish it had MORE to do with me, and that he'd consider how I feel when he's about to ogle some chick. Ugh.

 

It's been a rough few weeks, let's start there... My maternal grandmother, who has been my greatest role model throughout my life, has been in the hospital on Palliative care for 12 days now. For those of you who aren't clear on what that means, they have stopped all of her medications (including insulin for her diabetes) and have just put measures into place so that she can be comfortable and pass away peacefully. She is on Oxycodone and Oxygen as she has a collapsed lung so her breathing is strained... plus having Pneumonia in the remaining working lung and a few other infections slowly causing her body to deteriorate.

While this has been happening, my SO has been nothing but supportive and kind throughout this whole process. He has spent long hours with me in the waiting room when we weren't sure she'd make it through another night. He's been through it himself, and knows how tiresome it can be to wait for the inevitable to happen. That being said, I have made my peace with her passing away and was able to really say goodbye to her while she was still able to have full conversations. Now it's a waiting game.

However... while this is going on, he has M'd twice to my knowledge, once on 11/14 and 11/19. We've reset his counter both times, including once yesterday from Sunday night, when he was not upfront about having done it, being afraid of telling me because of what's been going on, and he was embarrassed. We had sex that night and I noticed that he lasted a while so I asked him and didn't pay much mind when he didn't give me a straight answer and even used the 'it all must've gotten on my dick' excuse when I said 'you didn't cum much'. So I texted him yesterday morning from work and asked him straight up and he admitted it. I've now asked him to stop making excuses and just fess up when I ask, even if it means not having sex if I get upset that he's M'd and lose my 'mood'. He's assured me there was no P and I believe him, especially now that we've put an incognito blocker on his phone. It closes every incognito tab you try to open, and I've put a passcode on it so he can't turn it off (his idea). Plus checking his browsing history nearly every night and his Google account activity to see what apps he's used.

It's just more hurtful to me that he'd have to M while all of this is going on. I'm still having sex with him and it's been good. Why can't he conserve that sexual energy and show me the intimacy that I need from him during this situation? I just don't get it. And I'm having trouble believing that he's A) not thinking of P when he M's, and B) not Ogling women when I'm not around. The trust is really hard.

 

I think you're absolutely right, about his mindset. I don't know if it's because he's horny, lonely, or bored, or a mix of the three that he does it. I haven't gotten quite to the bottom of his reasoning. But you're right, he is going off of willpower alone and that's never going to be enough. I just don't know what else to offer him. There's a workbook on intimacy and addiction I printed off from @AnonymousAnnaXOXO that he is free to read, and he has plenty of books to distract him, not to mention youtube gaming videos and time with our cats, whom he loves very much.

We also had a misunderstanding which frustrates me. I had to cancel the counseling appointment I'd made for myself last week because of having to be at the hospital, and I asked him if he still wanted to go to his, and he asked when I'd scheduled it for. I never scheduled him one. I gave him the contact information for him to call and he never did it. I kind of snapped at him then, because I'm not his parent. I'm not going to coddle him or do things for him that he should be doing himself. So, he never had one scheduled in the first place but still acts like he wants to go. I won't beg him to call, I refuse.

 

@TryingToHeal - And thank you. My rambley-ness completely missed your kind message. Hugs back