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Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by WantsToBelieve, Oct 12, 2017.
My SO has to be completely dead silent alone to get a urge.
Mostly he's a trigger guy
Awe well that’s beautiful that everyone got to see her and say their goodbyes. I think that can definitely give your heart a little peace! I’m comfortable with death in general I just feel awkward at funerals..if you know what I mean..?
This sounds like good progress! I’m happy for you! Although I feel you that they just don’t get it and want to just move on like everything is good and nothing happened .
Btw...w vitamin D get some K as well..apparently you need K to absorb the D. (I have a vit D deficiency)
You should encourage him to come here more often ....as here he will see many people suffering from same addiction...and somehow it will motivate him..
Yeah, and feeling that way really sucks. And to me it means he doesn't really want to accept the responsibility of this. It's hard.
I'll look into it. K and D together. Thank you
So, nothing yet. No activity on here, he didn't come to me with anything he'd read. I guess I'll wait for Friday. This is going to be hard. I wanted daily check-ins at first, and I chose to compromise. Hope it wasn't a mistake.
me three...and I never got it
I hope he knows what a truly awesome woman he has in his life. But then again, maybe not.
As hard as it may sound: Pull the plug! You’ve fought a hell of a battle to keep this relationship working, he put something in it too but it’s not enough. It’s time to look out for yourself or you’ll be ending up being depressed and what not.
When I separated from my wife 2,5 years ago, we’ve been a couple for almost 15 years, it sure was hard for the both of us and I was the one who brought an end to the relationship, but let me tell you, it was one the best things I have done in my life.
Sounds selfish, rude or hard? Maybe, but it shows where you belong in your life, it gives you the possibility to improve yourself, to work on your issues that are hidden deep in you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you have issues, just generally speaking.
He’s just not ready to really adress his problems. Believe me I know what I’m talking about. I was there and still partly am. It takes time. When he’s ready to commit and to improve, than you’ll know it’s worth fighting for. And noone, save for himself, knows when it’s time.
I admire you for all the effort and it’s heartbreaking to read through all the pain you had to go through. You deserve the best, don’t settle for less.
All my love and hugs from Europe to you. ❤️
Thank you, @Eric8475 - I really appreciate that you're caring enough to say what you feel is right. I'm glad that was the right decision for you. And thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support. It really means a lot.
But I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. I'm strong. And I'm willing to take this as far as he is willing to go. If I notice he is backsliding, more boundaries will be put into place. Right now, he is just in a place of confusion and we had not set up a true system for his recovery. This is what we are working on now. Neither of us were sure what needed to be done for both of us to feel safe and secure. I'll post in more detail what the plan is after this post.
As many of you know, my biggest issue thus far has been trust. Can I believe what he says when he says he's been clean? I question absolutely everything.
And my SO is oblivious by nature, so of course he's not going to know when I'm suspicious until I tell him.
We both have issues communicating effectively with each other. I know both sides need to improve.
So.... The plan. We talked last night, and I am going to take the next week to devise a weekly check-in plan. I may need some help with this.
I already know that I will need to ask about triggers/urges/thoughts he's had during the week. Though I will need to word these questions carefully so as not to allow any loopholes. (@Kenzi , can you help with avoiding loopholes?)
I already know that I will have a list of my own triggers (for my betrayal trauma) up on the fridge that I will be checking off as they happen, so I will remember them at the end of the week and we can discuss.
What else should we check in on? Intimacy levels? (@AnonymousAnnaXOXO - from the packet? Do you think this is a good idea?)
Satisfaction in and out of our relationship?
What should I ask him to disclose other than his triggers and urges? Ogling?
Should we include some form of FANOS? (@ILoathePwife ? )
Sorry for all the tagging and questions. I guess I still feel so new at this.
Yeah check in on intimacy levels, but I would say do that monthly maybe, that way you can see progress at the end of a month?
That's a good idea. Thank you
I so get it on the trust. For me, it's gotten much, much better after 1.5 years, but it's still a question in the back of my mind. Has he told me everything? Am I safe to trust?
This is great. Yes, he needs to grow and change, but you can too. While an addict is in the addiction it stifles growth on both sides.
I know you asked about FANOS and I'll get there. But I want to caution you against putting the main burden, to make a plan, to ask the perfect questions, to keep him accountable, on you. In our early days (8.5 years ago, before nofap) we both made the mistake of me being the only one with a plan and me being the only plan. In other words, he was supposed to tell me if he had urges. (But he never did until it was too late.) And I was supposed to question him periodically on how things were going. Eventually I told him I needed him to come to me periodically, I needed the burden not to be on me to ask at the right intervals and ask exactly the right questions. (But he didn't do that either.)
I haven't read your whole journal and I don't know everything thats going on. But if this is something you're doing to make sure your needs are met or protect yourself and he is also actively involved in creating and carrying out the plan, great. But if you're carrying the main burden so you can fix this and he's not actively part of the process, that's a red light. (Again, I don't know anything about him or your history so I'm just speaking generally here.)
FANOS is what works for us as a check in. In the beginning we did it nearly every day. Now we do it 3 or 4 times a week, typically on the nights he works overnight. He works 3 or 4 overnights for 12 hours. We sometyimes do it in person but we usually type it out in a private group on Facebook we named communicator. Or we text it. We've been doing this for a year and a half. It doesn't have to be long and overwhelming.
The feelings, appreciation (thank you), needs and ownership (sorry) have been very, very helpful. My husband struggles with expressing his feelings and needs to me so that's great practice. And he's improved a lot with time! But in the early days, sobriety was key. I didn't have to ask him to tell me if he was struggling, having urges, fantasy, had he relapsed? We had an automatic check in. The only thing I had to add to it was he needed to tell me, during his S, if he had any urges or fantasies (that was part of his reboot, getting rid of all fantasy) so he didn't just say, nothing to report and I had to dig more information out. Now he's fantasy free and doing well so he mostly just says nothing to report and I can ask more questions if I want to.
If ogling is an issue he struggles with and you both agree it should be part of his reboot, yes. For us all this was folded into the S from FANOS.
Best of luck to you both.
Not to pile on but I completely agree. I've been on this site for a looong time...(sigh) and I can't remember anyone being successful without internal motivation. He needs to be doing the work and he needs to find his own reason why he wants PMO out of his life. If you try to do the work for him it just won't work or be sustainable in the long run.
I've read and listened to many books on quitting PMO. The book below is by far the best that I have come across.
Its also available on Audible (and the narrator is awesome). Working through this book is the only "shortcut" that I know of in battling P addiction. I think if he listens to or reads the book it will give him enough resources to develop his recovery plan.
I was thinking about my answer and I wanted to add: if he isn't an active part of his recovery right now, if he's just doing it for you and not really following through, that doesn't mean you don't set something like this up anyway. But, no matter what, I believe the motivation should be, to fill my needs and/or protect me, not to find the exact right combination of things to fix him and the relationship. Believe me, there is no exact right combination. The only thing that truly works is if the addict wakes up, takes responsibility and does the work.
Thanks guys. I totally forgot to respond to this before, the holidays have been so hectic.
Thank you, @ILoathePwife - All fantastic advice. I will try.
Question on this.... How in the world do I stop burdening myself and put the burden on him if he refuses to be burdened by it? What do I do when he still won't come to me?
He M'd two days ago. Didn't tell me about it until last night, after sex. Why? He was "embarrassed". I said, no excuses.
The first check-in went great. Or so I thought.
FANOS was useful. He owned up to a trigger he'd had (mods for Skyrim on the xbox one) and I owned up to something that had happened the week prior.
We thanked each other for things and ended with a nice cuddle. This was Friday night.
@noexcuses - I'll try to show him about the book but I doubt he'll look into it any further than saying "hm. cool". Thank you though, I really wish he'd be more interested in recovery.
I'm so angry today. I refuse to have sex with him out of obligation because I'm afraid he'll M. He knows this.
But he still did it, and still lied about it when I asked him point blank. I had to dig it out of him.
Should I just give up?
I'm so sick of being the only one who cares about the end of this problem.
Sick of trying, sick of giving him my everything when he gives me about 30%.
More later, I'm at work trying to make sense of my emotions.
Guess when the sex happened.
I was having such a good night.
Then it all fell apart.
I'm supposed to leave him now. I said one more lie.
I can't do it.
So now he's going to think it's okay.
But yes, thank you for the hugs.