My Journey Towards Peace (Journal)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by WantsToBelieve, Oct 12, 2017.

  1. Rachie

    Rachie Fapstronaut

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    I just got caught up on your journal. I read a lot of it to WS last night. It helps him understand things from the SO's perspective. There are big chunks of your story that I relate to do freaking much. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing.:D

    Also, I totally feel ya when it comes to crappy insurance. WS and I are doing therapy but we haven't met our deductible yet and it's killing us! The out of pocket payment is horrifying:eek:
     
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  2. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    So happy to hear that. I'm glad to have someone relate to what I've been through. Believe it or not it makes me feel so much less alone. :emoji_blue_heart:
    Feel free to message me if there's anything you'd like to run by me.
    I'm glad you guys can afford it. We certainly can't. Not yet, anyway. We're both working on getting better jobs.
     
  3. u376

    u376 Fapstronaut

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  4. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Lmbo! :emoji_sweat_smile::emoji_stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:
     
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  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Bahahahahahahahahahaha
     
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  7. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I couldn't resist. I saw that GIF and just started laughing my ass off.
     
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  8. E.liberated

    E.liberated Fapstronaut

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    See how tricky the mind is. Shaking myself out here now. It started that i saw girl posts. Then I wanted to see how in general to relate here. What’s right and appropriate. Then I found some are here because of their partner. Did not understand this yet. Then while being here I started to being interested in girl posts in general. Now I realize what is happening....I take it as a training having to be weary at all times as you girls are in my life so enormously tempting. Because it’s no nice to be with you. But I won’t get sucked into this here.
    Good luck to all!
     
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  9. E.liberated

    E.liberated Fapstronaut

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    I like both being able to communicating open with girls and not being hooked. I easily do get hooked and do want to start something.
    But I want to continue to being more faithful as I did become in the last three years.
    I am married and have a very good cute beautiful wife.
     
  10. E.liberated

    E.liberated Fapstronaut

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    My wife is very open very loving very understanding. She is much better person than i am.
    I have a strong drive and I always felt ashame when I went off into porn or being attracted to girls. I found this has a dynamic that is not good either as it pushes it into the forbidden. I learned to allow to react to have strong reactions and by doing this I can also learn to communicate while being under control. I did not go with another girl since three years.
     
  11. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    Uh... Hi?
    Was there advice directed at me in here that I missed?
    Did you mean to put these in my journal?
    Or were you trying to start your own?
    Sorry, just kind of confused.
     
  12. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    Oh. My. GOD.
    You kill me.
    That was freaking hilarious.
     
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  13. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    Anyway. Not sure what that whole.... post-spree was about above. But let's move on.
    It's been a week since a huge fight that we had about him not doing any recovery work or talking to me about things.
    He's still not great at sharing things, and we missed check-in last Friday because we were at his parents' house.
    Playing D&D. Which is fun. I'm enjoying it.
    He started his new job yesterday. Said it's alright.
    I'm trying not to be too hard on him during this time, it's a transition. I get it.
    But I'm still struggling. I want to believe him. I do.
    But when I don't see any changes in him outside the bedroom, what do I do?
    I want him to feel like he can talk to me. About anything.
    I'm so supportive of him, in every single way.
    Why can't he do the same for me? Why can't he just pick up a simple piece of paper and read? I'm not really asking that much.
    Is the crippling fear of failure really that bad?
    Is he so afraid to fail that he won't even try?

    I shouldn't down on him so much, though.
    As of tomorrow, as long as he's been truthful, it will be 70 days for him without P.
    M has been harder for him. But he's been since 12/26 without M. Again, as long as the "truth" is really the truth.
    I AM proud of him. I just told him that today.
    Sometimes I think I expect him to do too many things at once.
    Focus too hard on our relationship without a mental "break".
    He's ADHD. I know how hard that can be.
    More later, probably.
     
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  14. I’m with you girl! I think they are just lazy. Like they want to be better but do the work to get there. It’s infuriating! Or you’re right could be fear of actually letting go of their security blanket..maybe?
     
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Ugh... Porn security blanket... What a image... Gag me....
     
  16. Well that and they have a case of Avoidance...the plague
     
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  17. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    Prepare yourselves for a long post.
    Possible triggers ahead.

    Last night was..... good?
    I don't know if I can define it that way.
    I got triggered watching a documentary. He loves watching those things.
    He studied Anthropology in college and it's one thing he's really into.
    The doc was about cultures in the world who struggle to get by, this particular episode was about Plains cultures.
    There was a scene about this younger woman who rescues baby goats.
    And breastfeeds them.
    I was only half paying attention until I saw how gorgeous she was. She had one of those Sari robes on, dark skin, striking eyes, you know.
    I was trying to show him a cooking video on my phone, he likes those sometimes.
    I thought he'd pause it. But he kept looking back at the tv instead of paying attention to what I was trying to show him.
    I honestly thought he was waiting for her tit to be on the screen so he could stare at it.
    It never did, thank God.

    But I'd been triggered already.
    The toilet paper disappeared again.
    So, honestly, I was already done by the time I had to confront him.
    A few minutes went by and I didn't say anything. I just put my phone down and watched him.
    Out of the corner of my eye. Because that's what I have to do sometimes.
    I asked him. "Did goatlady trigger you?"
    He said "What? What do you mean?"
    I said "It looked to me like you were waiting to see her tit"
    He gaslit me. "You just always look for something to be wrong, don't you? No, I wasn't. I was just trying to watch the show."
    I got quiet. Really quiet.
    Ten minutes or so and the show was over. He wanted to go to bed.
    But he noticed I was down.
    So he wanted to talk.

    You know double standards?
    It's huge with us. He never wants to talk so I have to let him be alone with his thoughts.
    But when HE wants to talk, we have to talk. Even if I know it'll result in a fight.
    So we fought. I knew we would.
    He asked me, AGAIN, why I was with him if he makes me so miserable.
    Him saying this is on my triggers list.
    I hate it when he asks me that.
    He should know why I stay.
    Because I have hope.
    And he just seems to want to take that hope away.
    I said that in my ideal relationship, that both people could just.... know what the other is thinking and feeling.
    Just with a look alone, no words needed.
    He said that's never going to happen.
    I told him that he does it pretty well with me.
    I just can't read him, because he's a goddamn locked book that there's no key for.
    So I said "Why do you want to take away my hope for us?"
    He said he wasn't trying to. Just that he doesn't believe a relationship like that can exist.
    Well, I do. He can't take that away from me.

    He opened up... a tiny little fragment of a bit.
    He said he knows that he'd PMO'd out of spite before.
    That he has a fear of rejection from other people, so he just closes himself off from everyone.
    He said it comes from his first serious relationship, let's call her Allie.
    She controlled absolutely everything he did. She tore him down. He didn't have a voice, at all.
    They were engaged, too. Then she cheated.
    It was a bad breakup.
    After that, he got so depressed.
    A year or so after that, we got together.

    But when we first got together he was so open. So honest. So kind.
    I don't get what changed.
    He got depressed again. At some point. I can't pinpoint when.
    But last night was progress. We're going to talk more tonight, probably.

    I start a yoga class tonight.
    I'm SO excited for that.
     
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yay yoga....
    And goats...
    Wow.
    I um... Really want to send a empre new groove meme and I think that's a lama
     
  19. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    This is literally within driving distance of me. Three hours tops. I'd love to do this.
     

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