My Journey Towards Peace (Journal)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by WantsToBelieve, Oct 12, 2017.

  1. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Prepare yourselves for a long post.
    Possible triggers ahead.

    Last night was..... good?
    I don't know if I can define it that way.
    I got triggered watching a documentary. He loves watching those things.
    He studied Anthropology in college and it's one thing he's really into.
    The doc was about cultures in the world who struggle to get by, this particular episode was about Plains cultures.
    There was a scene about this younger woman who rescues baby goats.
    And breastfeeds them.
    I was only half paying attention until I saw how gorgeous she was. She had one of those Sari robes on, dark skin, striking eyes, you know.
    I was trying to show him a cooking video on my phone, he likes those sometimes.
    I thought he'd pause it. But he kept looking back at the tv instead of paying attention to what I was trying to show him.
    I honestly thought he was waiting for her tit to be on the screen so he could stare at it.
    It never did, thank God.

    But I'd been triggered already.
    The toilet paper disappeared again.
    So, honestly, I was already done by the time I had to confront him.
    A few minutes went by and I didn't say anything. I just put my phone down and watched him.
    Out of the corner of my eye. Because that's what I have to do sometimes.
    I asked him. "Did goatlady trigger you?"
    He said "What? What do you mean?"
    I said "It looked to me like you were waiting to see her tit"
    He gaslit me. "You just always look for something to be wrong, don't you? No, I wasn't. I was just trying to watch the show."
    I got quiet. Really quiet.
    Ten minutes or so and the show was over. He wanted to go to bed.
    But he noticed I was down.
    So he wanted to talk.

    You know double standards?
    It's huge with us. He never wants to talk so I have to let him be alone with his thoughts.
    But when HE wants to talk, we have to talk. Even if I know it'll result in a fight.
    So we fought. I knew we would.
    He asked me, AGAIN, why I was with him if he makes me so miserable.
    Him saying this is on my triggers list.
    I hate it when he asks me that.
    He should know why I stay.
    Because I have hope.
    And he just seems to want to take that hope away.
    I said that in my ideal relationship, that both people could just.... know what the other is thinking and feeling.
    Just with a look alone, no words needed.
    He said that's never going to happen.
    I told him that he does it pretty well with me.
    I just can't read him, because he's a goddamn locked book that there's no key for.
    So I said "Why do you want to take away my hope for us?"
    He said he wasn't trying to. Just that he doesn't believe a relationship like that can exist.
    Well, I do. He can't take that away from me.

    He opened up... a tiny little fragment of a bit.
    He said he knows that he'd PMO'd out of spite before.
    That he has a fear of rejection from other people, so he just closes himself off from everyone.
    He said it comes from his first serious relationship, let's call her Allie.
    She controlled absolutely everything he did. She tore him down. He didn't have a voice, at all.
    They were engaged, too. Then she cheated.
    It was a bad breakup.
    After that, he got so depressed.
    A year or so after that, we got together.

    But when we first got together he was so open. So honest. So kind.
    I don't get what changed.
    He got depressed again. At some point. I can't pinpoint when.
    But last night was progress. We're going to talk more tonight, probably.

    I start a yoga class tonight.
    I'm SO excited for that.
  2. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yay yoga....
    And goats...
    I um... Really want to send a empre new groove meme and I think that's a lama
  3. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    This is literally within driving distance of me. Three hours tops. I'd love to do this.
  4. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    See... that's so funny.
    Because I just realized how wrong I was.
    I remembered.... it wasn't even a goat she rescued.
    It was in Africa, it was a gazelle.
    Kenzi likes this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Still not a lama lol
  6. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    I know.
    But it was funny.
    They're all similar animals.
    But go ahead with the memes!
    I love a good dank meme.
    Kenzi likes this.
  7. My dad has pygmy goats -- about 4 or 5 of them -- not as indoor pets, but he lives on a big piece of land and built out an area for them. They are quite fun creatures....never imagined doing yoga with them though! :)
    WantsToBelieve and Kenzi like this.
  8. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    FYI: This is not about my life or relationship, but something that just went down on here that I and several others were upset by.

    What is the basis of a good relationship?
    Is it sexual chemistry? A good solid foundation of friendship first?
    Or is it honesty and loyalty?
    I think it's all of these combined and more.
    Honesty is part of a good basis of communication.
    If you can't talk to your partner, who can you talk to?
    This is the person who is most intimate with you.
    This person (especially if married/engaged) has agreed to love you through thick and thin.
    Better or worse, sickness or health, all that wedding vow stuff.
    By lying, or hiding the truth (which is still lying, by omission) you are breaking those vows.
    How can you have a true relationship at that point?
    If only one person gets to make the call on what the relationship is, that's no real love.
    It's false love. False promises, false statements. Words and actions have to line up.
    And the stupid excuse of "protecting" your partner's feelings by lying? That's bullshit.
    You're only "protecting" yourself and your lies.
    Your "freedom" is on the line with addiction.
    Lying about it makes you free to continue that addiction.
    It's no wonder some guys can't make it over 60 days.

    Will post my own journal-ish thing later. I just had to get that out.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  10. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Been going a little stir-crazy. We haven't had check-ins for the last two weeks. Looking forward to Friday when we can finally check in again.
    Yesterday we had a snow storm and his work cancelled. So he was home all day by himself.
    I was really worried something was going to happen.
    I'd asked him to do some dishes, wasn't expecting a whole lot out of that request.
    I hoped I'd get let out early, but I didn't.
    He'd dropped me off in the morning so I didn't have to drive in blizzard conditions, and my dad gave me a ride home (we work together).

    I got home.... and the dishes were almost entirely done apart from some he'd just used when he ate lunch.
    He got me beer (pricey beer at that - I love me a good IPA) and chips.
    He waited for me to get home to nice surprises.
    He actually got stuff done.
    He was watching a nature documentary when I got home and had paused it on a scene he thought I'd like.
    He was absolutely right. It had big cats. I love big cats.
    I was.... floored. In the absolute best way. I honestly almost teared up.
    He got touchy-feely which didn't surprise me, but I did have a thought which I had to get rid of quickly or it would have ruined everything.
    I thought "did he do all this so I'd have sex with him?" and I gave him that look.
    He said he'd thought about M but wanted to wait and be intimate with me.
    Said he missed me and thought about me all day, wanted me home with him.
    Nearly literally swooned.
    This is a hell of a lot of progress.
    The sex was amazing. O-ing together? Can't beat it.
    That's it for today, probably.
    I'm a happy girl.
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    That is so amazing, so happy for you!
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I want to cry just reading this post... So happy for you :) :) :)
  13. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys :emoji_two_hearts::emoji_two_hearts::emoji_two_hearts:
    Trying not to let it go to my head.
    But it was so damn sweet.
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Yeah but you deserve it.
    You deserve a moment.
    Enjoy it
  15. Yes! Yoga will be sooo good for you! Relaxing and stress relieving even for a short time is wonderful!

    You get along well w McFly and his family! Beer ppl :) I’m a wine girl ;)..and vodka...

    Best kind EVER! And he waited for you and was honest about it! That’s progress! Win!
    Kenzi likes this.
  16. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Hey journal followers and passers-by. I know it's been a while.
    I've been.... neurotic/paranoid at worst, nervous at best. For a long time now.
    But he's been doing well, apparently.
    I'm just still having a hard time trusting.
    This check-in schedule won't work anymore, though. I've just decided that now.
    We need to change it to Saturdays, because that is the only full day of the week now that we can have together, just the two of us, alone. All day.
    Unless you guys don't think that is a good day to use for that, because we always seem to fight during check-in.
    So doing it on Saturdays might ruin the one day we get.

    We had a situation the other day... I checked the history and got really suspicious about some stuff. So I hacked his email and synced our google accounts.
    He got kinda upset that I locked him out, so then I confronted him and he denied having done anything wrong.
    Turns out the cache settings are set to GMT time, so the time gap I thought existed... didn't exist because of the time conversion.
    But we ended up having a conversation about it afterwards, with me suggesting he research the addiction more to get a handle on his urges.
    I asked him why he hadn't been having a problem lately, and he says that avoiding thinking about it as a whole helps him avoid temptation.
    That.... made a little bit of sense but it's still off-putting.
    He can't handle thinking about why he PMO'd in the first place so he can avoid it in the future because it might cause relapse thoughts?
    That's why I want him to come to me when he DOES have triggers, or urges. So we can work through them together.
    But he chooses to brush it under the rug completely. Compartmentalize it even further.
    This isn't healthy and I know it isn't.
    How do I get him on board with letting his emotions occur naturally?
  17. Is he in counseling?
    Kenzi likes this.
  18. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Nope. Neither of us are. Hopefully with his new job/new insurance he'll be able to go without having to pay a massive deductible before anything is covered, like I'd have to do right now. Ugh.
  19. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Here's hoping. How long before he finds out what his benefits are and when do they kick in?

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