Prepare yourselves for a long post. Possible triggers ahead. Last night was..... good? I don't know if I can define it that way. I got triggered watching a documentary. He loves watching those things. He studied Anthropology in college and it's one thing he's really into. The doc was about cultures in the world who struggle to get by, this particular episode was about Plains cultures. There was a scene about this younger woman who rescues baby goats. And breastfeeds them. I was only half paying attention until I saw how gorgeous she was. She had one of those Sari robes on, dark skin, striking eyes, you know. I was trying to show him a cooking video on my phone, he likes those sometimes. I thought he'd pause it. But he kept looking back at the tv instead of paying attention to what I was trying to show him. I honestly thought he was waiting for her tit to be on the screen so he could stare at it. It never did, thank God. But I'd been triggered already. The toilet paper disappeared again. So, honestly, I was already done by the time I had to confront him. A few minutes went by and I didn't say anything. I just put my phone down and watched him. Out of the corner of my eye. Because that's what I have to do sometimes. I asked him. "Did goatlady trigger you?" He said "What? What do you mean?" I said "It looked to me like you were waiting to see her tit" He gaslit me. "You just always look for something to be wrong, don't you? No, I wasn't. I was just trying to watch the show." I got quiet. Really quiet. Ten minutes or so and the show was over. He wanted to go to bed. But he noticed I was down. So he wanted to talk. You know double standards? It's huge with us. He never wants to talk so I have to let him be alone with his thoughts. But when HE wants to talk, we have to talk. Even if I know it'll result in a fight. So we fought. I knew we would. He asked me, AGAIN, why I was with him if he makes me so miserable. Him saying this is on my triggers list. I hate it when he asks me that. He should know why I stay. Because I have hope. And he just seems to want to take that hope away. I said that in my ideal relationship, that both people could just.... know what the other is thinking and feeling. Just with a look alone, no words needed. He said that's never going to happen. I told him that he does it pretty well with me. I just can't read him, because he's a goddamn locked book that there's no key for. So I said "Why do you want to take away my hope for us?" He said he wasn't trying to. Just that he doesn't believe a relationship like that can exist. Well, I do. He can't take that away from me. He opened up... a tiny little fragment of a bit. He said he knows that he'd PMO'd out of spite before. That he has a fear of rejection from other people, so he just closes himself off from everyone. He said it comes from his first serious relationship, let's call her Allie. She controlled absolutely everything he did. She tore him down. He didn't have a voice, at all. They were engaged, too. Then she cheated. It was a bad breakup. After that, he got so depressed. A year or so after that, we got together. But when we first got together he was so open. So honest. So kind. I don't get what changed. He got depressed again. At some point. I can't pinpoint when. But last night was progress. We're going to talk more tonight, probably. I start a yoga class tonight. I'm SO excited for that.