My Journey Towards Peace (Journal)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by WantsToBelieve, Oct 12, 2017.

  1. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Time for an update-slash-vent-session.
    I know it's been forever, guys. And I'm so very sorry.
    I thought things were improving, I thought he was changing.
    Last Thursday, 3/29, he had an urge for P that he "couldn't resist".
    He went on a site for about a minute, and then closed it. No M.
    But he cleared it from the history AND the cache. On MY laptop.
    And then proceeded to not tell me that any of this had happened. He was a coward.
    When I checked the activity on Monday, 4/2, I noticed the cache was gone.
    I asked him, and he point-blank lied to me. Again. Only after I said I didn't believe him, did he call me and admit to it.

    I know I said one more lie and I was gone. It was serious this time. So I made him go and stay at his parent's house.
    It came out that he is SO depressed that he has lost his romantic connection to me. All feelings, gone. Just like that.
    Our relationship has begun to be only physical for him.
    He said he stays out of obligation.
    He says it's the depression, but I don't know what to believe.
    He said he didn't mean any of it, that he only said those things to end the conversation.
    That he does truly love me and who I am as a person. That he wants to marry me.
    I can't marry someone I don't trust.

    He is calling his doctor today. Supposedly. We'll see.
    Says he wants to start therapy. I've only been trying to lead that horse for two years now.
    Why did it take THIS to convince him that he needs help?
    Yet again, I am not enough. I don't deserve the truth, or to be set free so I can try to be happy.
    I'm not saying that because I truly believe it, because I know what I am worth and what I deserve.
    And it's not this. Not this pain.

    Do I wait one more time, to see if he can fix this?
    I fucking hate depression. What it's doing to him. To us.
    I just want us both to be happy.
    u376, Rachie, mcgrim and 3 others like this.
  2. So sorry to hear this...being dragged/forced to a therapist is not hitting rock bottom IMO.

    I don't know what to there a wedding date set? If so, I think you need to find an answer to these hard questions:
    1. do you want to marry a porn addict who is continually relapsing and lying and who hasn't actually pursued counseling/therapy?

    2. do you want to marry a recovering PA who is actively seeking help/therapy?

    3. do you not want to marry this man at all?

    I don't know if there are any other options...and person #1 and #2 are likely many months apart from each other.


    Again, I am so sorry you are going through this.
  3. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your kind words :emoji_purple_heart:
    There has never been a date set, and we are definitely not considering ourselves engaged anymore. It's just too much pressure on both of us.
    I know the answer to number 1 is a hard no. I refuse to subject myself to that kind of abuse anymore.
    Number 2 I can live with. As long as he is trying, I will try.
    3 - I can say I only want to marry him if he is able to give me what I need. This may sound hypocritical, but the one condition is unconditional love. That is all I have ever wanted or needed. And I know he is capable of it. IF he can get out of this depression. Whether it's medication, years of therapy, moving to a better apartment that's truly ours, or what. I don't know. But I do know that I want him.

    At his best he is kind, supportive, funny, very intelligent, wise beyond his years, and level-headed.
    At his worst he is insensitive, uncaring, detached, dry, angry and soul-less.

    They say if you can't handle someone at their worst, you don't deserve them at their best, right?
    Rachie, mcgrim, kropo82 and 3 others like this.
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Glad to see you back here, I was wondering how it was going. Sorry things have gone this direction. I think you are smart to not set a wedding date and just see how things go. I'm not sure if this is true for your PA but for my husband the depression he had going on was actually caused by the PA. I know it can be caused by a ton of other things also, but the two just seemed to feed off each other for my husband. Anyway, I hope things improve and that him seeing a doctor and going to therapy get things headed back in the right direction for you guys.
  5. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Thank you for being concerned! I really appreciate it.

    My theory is that it goes the opposite direction with him. I think his depression is what triggers the PA. PMO was the only coping mechanism that brought temporary relief.
    With that gone, he has no way to release these feelings of self-loathing and shame (shame about non-PMO related things, including disappointing others, including myself) that are related to his depression.
    And he doesn't feel like he can 'need' anyone. He thinks he needs to be self-sufficient. Which is why he won't talk to me.
    What he doesn't seem to grasp is that true clinical depression does not ALLOW one to be self-sufficient.
    Self-sufficiency goes down the toilet when you don't think you're worth the effort.
    It's a vicious cycle.
  6. u376

    u376 Fapstronaut

    Depression is the worst thing
    If God gave me a choice between 3 months fracture or 3 months depression
    I will quickly choose fracture
  7. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Same. I only wish he chose a coping mechanism that hurt only himself, not someone he professes to love.
  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Quod nuit me destitute me

    What nourishes me destroys me
  9. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    God I love you. :emoji_heartbeat:
    Kenzi likes this.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

  11. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    Kind of feels like I'm starting this whole thing over again, because of this one situation.
    I keep going over every single time I've been hurt, all over again.
    Every time I knew of that he used P, every time he chose that over our happiness as a couple.
    I need to read up on severe clinical depression, I guess.
    How the fuck can it do so much damage to those who love the depressed person?
    I have depression too. But I'd never let it hurt those I love.
    Does that mean having both depression AND anxiety is actually a blessing in disguise?

    How can I help him AND give myself space to process all this pain coming back?
    I have more questions than answers now. This is killing me.
    mcgrim and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  12. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    After catching up on @Broken3 's Journal (slowly catching up on everyone lol) I took this Enneagram test that @TryingHard2Change shared with her! Here are my results, it says my top three are 2: The Helper, 4: The Individualist, and 6: The Loyalist. SCARY ACCURATE. Here is a link if you want to take it!

    Type 2: The Helper
    Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

    How to Get Along with Me
    • Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
    • Share fun times with me.
    • Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
    • Let me know that I am important and special to you.
    • Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

    • In Intimate Relationships
    • Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
    • Reassure me often that you love me.
    • Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.
    What I Like About Being a Two
    • Being able to relate easily to people and to make friends.
    • Knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better.
    • Being generous, caring, and warm.
    • Being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings.
    • Being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor.
    What's Hard About Being a Two
    • Not being able to say no.
    • Having low self-esteem.
    • Feeling drained from overdoing for others.
    • Not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish.
    • Criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should.
    • Being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them.
    • Working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings.

    Type 4: The Individualist
    Individualists have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

    How to Get Along with Me
    • Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
    • Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
    • Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
    • Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
    • Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
    What I Like About Being a Four
    • My ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level.
    • my ability to establish warm connections with people.
    • Admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life.
    • My creativity, intuition, and sense of humor.
    • Being unique and being seen as unique by others.
    • Having aesthetic sensibilities.
    • Being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me.
    What's Hard About Being a Four
    • Experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair.
    • Feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved.
    • Feeling guilty when I disappoint people.
    • Feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me.
    • Expecting too much from myself and life.
    • Fearing being abandoned.
    • Obsessing over resentments.
    • Longing for what I don't have.

    Type 6: The Loyalist
    Loyalists are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

    How to Get Along with Me

    • Be direct and clear.
    • Listen to me carefully.
    • Don't judge me for my anxiety.
    • Work things through with me.
    • Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
    • Laugh and make jokes with me.
    • Gently push me toward new experiences.
    • Try not to overreact to my overreacting.
    What I Like About Being a Six

    • Being committed and faithful to family and friends.
    • Being responsible and hardworking.
    • Being compassionate toward others.
    • Having intellect and wit.
    • Being a nonconformist.
    • Confronting danger bravely.
    • Being direct and assertive.
    What's Hard About Being a Six

    • The constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind.
    • Procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself.
    • Fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of.
    • Exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger.
    • Wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right.
    • Being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations.
  13. It is scary accurate! Right!
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  14. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    says the ink... ;-)
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Actually, it's written on me IN ink... Lol

    I didn't want to forget my own addiction
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hope you are well, dear friend.

    Take my love, take my land...
    Take me where I cannot stand.
    I don't care...
    I'm still free...
    You can't take the sky from me.
    Take me out, to the black, and tell them I ain't coming back.
    Burn the land and boil the sea...
    You can't take the sky from me.
    There's no place I can be, since I found serenity.
    You can't take the sky from me.


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