My last hope

G

GoldenCardinal

Fapstronaut
Hi all,

I didn't want to make this post, or anything related to it, but I feel like ive tried everything, and this post will maybe shine light on a strategy I've yet to try.

I don't want to make this a sob story, but I've been trying to get over my porn addiction for about 3-4 years. Up until now, the longest streak I've gotten was 7 days, I usually go about 2 days on average before relapsing now. I feel as if I've tried everything to get over this. I cut out social media very early, and rarely ever use it except for YouTube (currently trying to get off that now as well), I exercise everyday, and have lost 50 lbs while putting on a decent amount of muscle, I've read books about self-improving my mind and how I think, I journal and am currently trying to get back into mindfulness, as it seems to help with urges during the day.

I feel as if I've done everything, and yet I always give in. I did some reflecting on possible causes, and it always came down to loneliness. So naturally I tried to get out and meet new people (I am in university btw). I don't drink or smoke, and partying has always felt like a waste of time to me; given I'm always sober, I go to church on sundays and try to interact with people there, but nothing has come out of it. I've tried to get involved with clubs, and my faculty (computer science; naturally antisocial) and people at the gym, and yet nothing has worked.

Is there something I'm missing? I've tried accountability partners, but it hasn't seemed to work. I feel my solution to my situation is to replace the dopamine I get from PMO with dopamine from human interaction and bonding, yet I've been countlessly unsuccessful. I don't want to give up, but I feel like I'm at a dead end.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
 
Hey, ill drop in some stuff that have worked for me incase no one else replies. I'm in no way the most knowledgeable or successful but you might benefit from these.

1. Identifying why you actually want to quit in the first place, I don't think you mentioned it in your post but really cementing why in your mind gives a reason to hold out.

2. Build your life around the reason you want to quit. Eg if you're quiting to be more sociable then build on it, think ehat will help you get out there, or if you're doing it for it to please God, pick up other activities or lifestyles that will work towards that.

3. You mentioned it already but yh identifying the trigger and why your self medicating with PMO. Fill that void - easier said then done.

4. A big one for me was not just realising that i have an addiction but understanding just how unnatural and messed up this addiction is. The YouTube video by Gary Wilson "the great porn experiment" was a great eye opener, im not just trying to overcome an addiction but something trully 'wrong'. Also realising that all these 'urges' and 'cravings' are just ways for my addiction to satisfy itself- it in no way benefits me, it's just there to take.

5. I found these 2 post on this site really good
In Case You Didn't Know...
Porn Addiction is Being Severely Underestimated

6. You say you cut out social media but have you cut out the place you're actually relapsing on? You didn't mention how. But if it's via Chrome have you created blockers or had a friend set a parent account for restrictions etc.

7. Journaling is a help, reminds me why I'm doing this and how awful pmo makes me feel. My brain has a habit of forgetting the pain and lows that's pmo brings on

These are just a few, hope they help.
All the best!
 
May not want to hear this BUT a couple of drinks might do you well. Always gets me in a social mood. I've used Xanax, Phenibut and alcohol to power me through social interactions.

I actually got my job blacked out on Xanax. I don't even remember the job interview. I was totally gone but I somehow charmed my way through it and I've been working there for four years now. Of course I never show up to work drunk but I used it as a cheat code to break the ice initially.
 
GoldenCardinal said:
Hi all,

I didn't want to make this post, or anything related to it, but I feel like ive tried everything, and this post will maybe shine light on a strategy I've yet to try.

I don't want to make this a sob story, but I've been trying to get over my porn addiction for about 3-4 years. Up until now, the longest streak I've gotten was 7 days, I usually go about 2 days on average before relapsing now. I feel as if I've tried everything to get over this. I cut out social media very early, and rarely ever use it except for YouTube (currently trying to get off that now as well), I exercise everyday, and have lost 50 lbs while putting on a decent amount of muscle, I've read books about self-improving my mind and how I think, I journal and am currently trying to get back into mindfulness, as it seems to help with urges during the day.

I feel as if I've done everything, and yet I always give in. I did some reflecting on possible causes, and it always came down to loneliness. So naturally I tried to get out and meet new people (I am in university btw). I don't drink or smoke, and partying has always felt like a waste of time to me; given I'm always sober, I go to church on sundays and try to interact with people there, but nothing has come out of it. I've tried to get involved with clubs, and my faculty (computer science; naturally antisocial) and people at the gym, and yet nothing has worked.

Is there something I'm missing? I've tried accountability partners, but it hasn't seemed to work. I feel my solution to my situation is to replace the dopamine I get from PMO with dopamine from human interaction and bonding, yet I've been countlessly unsuccessful. I don't want to give up, but I feel like I'm at a dead end.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
Click to expand...
Connect with religion and have strong faith. Search the purpose of your life. What will happen after death. How to live life so through this we get a direction. I dont know your religion but search about these things and we should try to prepare for the judgement day so we should avoid sins know. May Allah help us.
 
Saturos said:
May not want to hear this BUT a couple of drinks might do you well. Always gets me in a social mood. I've used Xanax, Phenibut and alcohol to power me through social interactions.

I actually got my job blacked out on Xanax. I don't even remember the job interview. I was totally gone but I somehow charmed my way through it and I've been working there for four years now. Of course I never show up to work drunk but I used it as a cheat code to break the ice initially.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I can understand where you're coming from. I stopped drinking because I am trying to build muscle and alcohol will prevent muscle building, even if it is just for one day. I also don't really think drinking alone is something I should get into doing. But nonetheless, I appreciate you taking time out of your day to reach out, and provide a potential solution. All the best
 
mysome said:
Connect with religion and have strong faith. Search the purpose of your life. What will happen after death. How to live life so through this we get a direction. I dont know your religion but search about these things and we should try to prepare for the judgement day so we should avoid sins know. May Allah help us.
Click to expand...
I've been a Christian my entire life. I've spent some time in attempting to create a strong bond with God, however; whether it be church groups or just devoting time out of my life to praise him, I've been met with misfortune. That isn't to say misfortune gives me a lack of faith; it doesn't, to me they're tests from God. But to be consistently tested by God at almost every waking-hour of the day drains you, and makes it incredibly difficult to pursue other things such as my fitness and academic studies, to where reiterating the Word of God or things of such nature are not enough for a logical mind like mine to get a boost of energy. Maybe it's a lack of faith, and I'm unaware of it.

Nonetheless, thank you for reaching out. I will continue to strengthen my bond with God; not just in hopes of reaping personal benefits, but because it's my duty as His creation.
 
Galactic Pigeon said:
Hey, ill drop in some stuff that have worked for me incase no one else replies. I'm in no way the most knowledgeable or successful but you might benefit from these.

1. Identifying why you actually want to quit in the first place, I don't think you mentioned it in your post but really cementing why in your mind gives a reason to hold out.

2. Build your life around the reason you want to quit. Eg if you're quiting to be more sociable then build on it, think ehat will help you get out there, or if you're doing it for it to please God, pick up other activities or lifestyles that will work towards that.

3. You mentioned it already but yh identifying the trigger and why your self medicating with PMO. Fill that void - easier said then done.

4. A big one for me was not just realising that i have an addiction but understanding just how unnatural and messed up this addiction is. The YouTube video by Gary Wilson "the great porn experiment" was a great eye opener, im not just trying to overcome an addiction but something trully 'wrong'. Also realising that all these 'urges' and 'cravings' are just ways for my addiction to satisfy itself- it in no way benefits me, it's just there to take.

5. I found these 2 post on this site really good
In Case You Didn't Know...
Porn Addiction is Being Severely Underestimated

6. You say you cut out social media but have you cut out the place you're actually relapsing on? You didn't mention how. But if it's via Chrome have you created blockers or had a friend set a parent account for restrictions etc.

7. Journaling is a help, reminds me why I'm doing this and how awful pmo makes me feel. My brain has a habit of forgetting the pain and lows that's pmo brings on

These are just a few, hope they help.
All the best!
Click to expand...

Thanks for this response, and taking time out of your day to reach out and read my post. I read Gary Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn" and although it didn't help with my urges at all, I did find it informative on how a porn addict's mind may work. However I found it difficult to connect with the addicts he addressed in his writing and works.

Do you potentially have any advice in finding purpose? I've tried pursuing purpose religiously, academicly, socially, and nothing has really clicked. Was there maybe something you read in your life, or someone you met that perhaps gave you a reason to pursue a specific purpose. I understand life's purpose is to FIND purpose, but sometimes our goals in that moment are our purpose.

Nonetheless, thanks again for taking time to post here.
 
GoldenCardinal said:
I've been a Christian my entire life. I've spent some time in attempting to create a strong bond with God, however; whether it be church groups or just devoting time out of my life to praise him, I've been met with misfortune. That isn't to say misfortune gives me a lack of faith; it doesn't, to me they're tests from God. But to be consistently tested by God at almost every waking-hour of the day drains you, and makes it incredibly difficult to pursue other things such as my fitness and academic studies, to where reiterating the Word of God or things of such nature are not enough for a logical mind like mine to get a boost of energy. Maybe it's a lack of faith, and I'm unaware of it.

Nonetheless, thank you for reaching out. I will continue to strengthen my bond with God; not just in hopes of reaping personal benefits, but because it's my duty as His creation.
Click to expand...
May Allah show us the right path . Difficultties are part of life we should try to face them.
 
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GoldenCardinal said:
Thanks for this response, and taking time out of your day to reach out and read my post. I read Gary Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn" and although it didn't help with my urges at all, I did find it informative on how a porn addict's mind may work. However I found it difficult to connect with the addicts he addressed in his writing and works.

Do you potentially have any advice in finding purpose? I've tried pursuing purpose religiously, academicly, socially, and nothing has really clicked. Was there maybe something you read in your life, or someone you met that perhaps gave you a reason to pursue a specific purpose. I understand life's purpose is to FIND purpose, but sometimes our goals in that moment are our purpose.

Nonetheless, thanks again for taking time to post here.
Click to expand...
Yh its in our human nature to pursue a purpose.
For me my purpose came in finding happiness and that was through a relationship with God. I know you mentioned you searched for it through religion, and if you're a guy that believes in God, then i guess the best place to search for our purpose is the person that created us. This article is cool What is the purpose of life?
Unfortunately I'm not the best person to answer your question but just do what makes you genuinely happy and gives you contentment.
 
Galactic Pigeon said:
Yh its in our human nature to pursue a purpose.
For me my purpose came in finding happiness and that was through a relationship with God. I know you mentioned you searched for it through religion, and if you're a guy that believes in God, then i guess the best place to search for our purpose is the person that created us. This article is cool What is the purpose of life?
Unfortunately I'm not the best person to answer your question but just do what makes you genuinely happy and gives you contentment.
Click to expand...
Well done. Great courage. Shows really what kind of person you are.
 
GoldenCardinal said:
Hi all,

I didn't want to make this post, or anything related to it, but I feel like ive tried everything, and this post will maybe shine light on a strategy I've yet to try.

I don't want to make this a sob story, but I've been trying to get over my porn addiction for about 3-4 years. Up until now, the longest streak I've gotten was 7 days, I usually go about 2 days on average before relapsing now. I feel as if I've tried everything to get over this. I cut out social media very early, and rarely ever use it except for YouTube (currently trying to get off that now as well), I exercise everyday, and have lost 50 lbs while putting on a decent amount of muscle, I've read books about self-improving my mind and how I think, I journal and am currently trying to get back into mindfulness, as it seems to help with urges during the day.

I feel as if I've done everything, and yet I always give in. I did some reflecting on possible causes, and it always came down to loneliness. So naturally I tried to get out and meet new people (I am in university btw). I don't drink or smoke, and partying has always felt like a waste of time to me; given I'm always sober, I go to church on sundays and try to interact with people there, but nothing has come out of it. I've tried to get involved with clubs, and my faculty (computer science; naturally antisocial) and people at the gym, and yet nothing has worked.

Is there something I'm missing? I've tried accountability partners, but it hasn't seemed to work. I feel my solution to my situation is to replace the dopamine I get from PMO with dopamine from human interaction and bonding, yet I've been countlessly unsuccessful. I don't want to give up, but I feel like I'm at a dead end.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
Click to expand...
Great post and congratulations on all the positive changes that you have made. I think you know the main problem is a lack of friends or good social connections. That's a hard one and that's why there is a forum on Loneliness.
My advice is to not give up on trying to find friends. You have engaged in many activities where you should have been able to find friends, but it hasn't worked out (Yet!) I'm sure you will find friends, but in the meantime, you should read books, websites, etc. on how to make friends. Maybe you are not asking these potential friends enough questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves and will think you are the coolest guy in the room if you give them time to talk about themselves.

Don't give up, and see if you can find research on how to make friends. Once you have an active social life, looking at porn will seem like a waste of time.
 
The biggest mistakes in socializing as men are 1) too self-conscious, making everything about yourself 2) trying to flaunt your achievements in grades, career, and hobbies. Most people don't care if you got 4.0 GPA or 200k salary. How would that benefit them?

Try this: 1) truly listen to people, their dreams and fears, you will make friend easily by the process of understanding them. 2) try to make other people laugh. Living among many tech bros, I know many people who make 200k and miserable. But those who make people around them laugh and happy, are the happiest people I know.
 
this is just my personal opinion
I'm not going to turn myself into a clown so I can make others laugh so I can not be alone. I'm not going to try to impress people. that's not even my main goal. It's nice to be social and have friends. But It's not that important honestly. Go approach people and don't take it too seriously, and always make sure that you never lose your friends.
 
GoldenCardinal said:
Hi all,

I didn't want to make this post, or anything related to it, but I feel like ive tried everything, and this post will maybe shine light on a strategy I've yet to try.

I don't want to make this a sob story, but I've been trying to get over my porn addiction for about 3-4 years. Up until now, the longest streak I've gotten was 7 days, I usually go about 2 days on average before relapsing now. I feel as if I've tried everything to get over this. I cut out social media very early, and rarely ever use it except for YouTube (currently trying to get off that now as well), I exercise everyday, and have lost 50 lbs while putting on a decent amount of muscle, I've read books about self-improving my mind and how I think, I journal and am currently trying to get back into mindfulness, as it seems to help with urges during the day.

I feel as if I've done everything, and yet I always give in. I did some reflecting on possible causes, and it always came down to loneliness. So naturally I tried to get out and meet new people (I am in university btw). I don't drink or smoke, and partying has always felt like a waste of time to me; given I'm always sober, I go to church on sundays and try to interact with people there, but nothing has come out of it. I've tried to get involved with clubs, and my faculty (computer science; naturally antisocial) and people at the gym, and yet nothing has worked.

Is there something I'm missing? I've tried accountability partners, but it hasn't seemed to work. I feel my solution to my situation is to replace the dopamine I get from PMO with dopamine from human interaction and bonding, yet I've been countlessly unsuccessful. I don't want to give up, but I feel like I'm at a dead end.

Any advice would be much appreciated.
Click to expand...
Biggest and greatest piece of advice I usually receive is don't lose your spark to keep going. If you feel you're at a dead end continue to look for other avenues, typing here is a good one I think.

The other thing that works for me is being disciplined and doing things even though you may not feel like doing at the time. Working out, eating right, meditation and cold showers to freshen you up! Did you ever try accountability software with APs? That is another thing that worked for me, still may not work for you but anything is worth a shot right?

Finally my last thing may sound insane to a lot of people or I don't know not normal but I have to be ready and adjusted to the detox and pain that comes with it. Abstaining from something so critical will not be easy so I prepare for all the pain that will come with it. If you try to adjust to the pain that comes I think brain fog can lift and go into different aspects you haven't thought of before. Boredom and rationalizations are absolute killers for me as well. With boredom also comes a small and dumb rationalization to peek and a small peek can end it all quickly.
 
Vergil_S said:
The biggest mistakes in socializing as men are 1) too self-conscious, making everything about yourself 2) trying to flaunt your achievements in grades, career, and hobbies. Most people don't care if you got 4.0 GPA or 200k salary. How would that benefit them?

Try this: 1) truly listen to people, their dreams and fears, you will make friend easily by the process of understanding them. 2) try to make other people laugh. Living among many tech bros, I know many people who make 200k and miserable. But those who make people around them laugh and happy, are the happiest people I know.
Click to expand...
Great post right here. I don't hear about truly listening to others often but when I do I feel especially renewed in my faith for people.
 
Wolves of Wisdom said:
Biggest and greatest piece of advice I usually receive is don't lose your spark to keep going. If you feel you're at a dead end continue to look for other avenues, typing here is a good one I think.

The other thing that works for me is being disciplined and doing things even though you may not feel like doing at the time. Working out, eating right, meditation and cold showers to freshen you up! Did you ever try accountability software with APs? That is another thing that worked for me, still may not work for you but anything is worth a shot right?

Finally my last thing may sound insane to a lot of people or I don't know not normal but I have to be ready and adjusted to the detox and pain that comes with it. Abstaining from something so critical will not be easy so I prepare for all the pain that will come with it. If you try to adjust to the pain that comes I think brain fog can lift and go into different aspects you haven't thought of before. Boredom and rationalizations are absolute killers for me as well. With boredom also comes a small and dumb rationalization to peek and a small peek can end it all quickly.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your reply. I do feel as if my spark is beginning to go out. I've been at this for a few years, and after trying what feels everything (cold showers, getting in shape, meditation, journaling, finding an accountability partner, going out and trying to meet new people), nothing has seemed to work. My brain wants me to believe that I will forever be alone, and going off my ambitious personality, I believe there's a chance it may be so. I've found some comfort in being alone, but there are times in the day where I could use a friend, and with nobody around it builds up and ultimately leads to relapse.

To answer your question about APs, I have tried them; probably 2-3 times. Never seemed to work. I've never tried it with a software because they're usually all behind a paywall, and as a full-time University student, I don't have a lot of money to spend at the moment.

And in your last point, I agree. If you are not ready for the pain that comes, overcoming it is very difficult. But like I said at the beginning, my spark is virtually gone, and my motivation only seems to degrade and degrade as the days go on, mostly just from seeing attractive girls in public, and my brain immediately ridiculing itself. It's a tough battle to fight, but it feels that all I can do now is go about my routine, keep myself out there and hopefully an opportunity will arise that I can benefit from to reignite my spark.
 
mhz_rkx said:
this is just my personal opinion
I'm not going to turn myself into a clown so I can make others laugh so I can not be alone. I'm not going to try to impress people. that's not even my main goal. It's nice to be social and have friends. But It's not that important honestly. Go approach people and don't take it too seriously, and always make sure that you never lose your friends.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your reply. I've been in this position before. When I was young, I acted in a way that entertained and tried to impress people so I can feel the satisfaction that people recognize me. After growing out of that in late Highschool, I moved away from University, and made the realization that the people I called "friends" back home were never my friends to begin with, so I am starting from scratch.

I've taken your advice and approached some folks at the gym, and in my classes, and although there's conversation, which isn't a problem for me, there's just never a lack of connection, no matter how many attempts I make in getting to know them. I just seem to be having bad luck unfortunately, even when interacting with people at clubs or get-togethers with people of the same interest.

You're right, it's nice to have a friend or two; to be social. And after spending years putting in effort to make that a reality, only to come out with nothing, it's not the most important thing in the world, but it's nice to have someone you can talk to in the hours of the day where you need someone. Unfortunately I'm not there yet, but hopefully by continuing to put myself out there good things will come.
All the best to you.
 
GoldenCardinal said:
Thanks for your reply. I do feel as if my spark is beginning to go out. I've been at this for a few years, and after trying what feels everything (cold showers, getting in shape, meditation, journaling, finding an accountability partner, going out and trying to meet new people), nothing has seemed to work. My brain wants me to believe that I will forever be alone, and going off my ambitious personality, I believe there's a chance it may be so. I've found some comfort in being alone, but there are times in the day where I could use a friend, and with nobody around it builds up and ultimately leads to relapse.

To answer your question about APs, I have tried them; probably 2-3 times. Never seemed to work. I've never tried it with a software because they're usually all behind a paywall, and as a full-time University student, I don't have a lot of money to spend at the moment.

And in your last point, I agree. If you are not ready for the pain that comes, overcoming it is very difficult. But like I said at the beginning, my spark is virtually gone, and my motivation only seems to degrade and degrade as the days go on, mostly just from seeing attractive girls in public, and my brain immediately ridiculing itself. It's a tough battle to fight, but it feels that all I can do now is go about my routine, keep myself out there and hopefully an opportunity will arise that I can benefit from to reignite my spark.
Click to expand...
I appreciate your honesty. Yeah the paywall stuff is always irritating, as for the brain. I am also right there with you, if I do not actively do something to quiet it it can really run amuck.
 
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