My life in words.Sexual abuse, bisexuality and sissy cravings..

[Kinkster2016]

First i want to thank everyone for having the courage to share their hidden toughts with this comunity.This started as a reply to an existent post but in the meanwhile i build up enough courage to share it with the world in the hope that others like me could relate and share some toughts. .I tryed to keep it as short as posible but i also wanted to give you an ideea about the whole situation .Sorry for my bad english.

Im a 30 yo straight looking and acting male who had a great success with the ladies but who has a dark side.I was the victim of sexual abuse when i was a child.It happend when i was 6-7 with an older cousin ,who also introduced me to porn.I didnt knew what was going on back then and that memory stayed hidden for almost 20 years.I grew up in a normal family but with a very strict dad ,who loved me ,but used to beat me every time i did something wrong.And trust me ,i deserve it,skipping school,stealing money from the house ,police problems and so on.I never blamed him for what he did but that probably affected me in a way i didnt understood.After discovering porn it kinda ruled my life.Till the age of 14 i had a collection of almost 150 hardcore magazines.I would sit for hours next to the shop just to find the right moment when nobody was in so i could buy some.Then i moved to video cassetes and eventualy internet porn.I lost my virginity with a super kinky girl and i couldnt be more happy that finaly everything i craved till that moment came to reality.I tought my sex life will always be like that.But after her, i found out that its not that easy,and girls would judge me for my sexual desires.So i started looking for more open girls on the internet.I didnt had the succes i tought i would so out of boredom i started chatting with a guy who was into crossdressing.I dont know why but the ideea became stuck in my mind, and i started stealing underwear and stockings from my sister and tryed them on.I didnt feel to much then ,because,as i found out later ,i wasnt trying to be feminine or sexy for myself,i was trying to please someone else.All this time i was using hardcore porn and started to like the transwoman/transgendered person genre.After a couple of years i had my first experience with an older guy ,just oral sex.Yeah,i was into older men.I realised later that i probably trying to please my father.Sick huh? The first experience wasnt that wow to me ,but i didnt disliked it.Then i had a couple of relationship with girls ,but the sex was now too boring ,it wasnt kinky enough for me,so i turned to men again.I had a few encounters with some guys, bi couples,even older women who were into fendom,but my biggest kick was from men.I felt like i was in my element.I was living a porn life,just like i always wanted.After i had two healthy relationships with girls,the last one was actually the love of my life.Sex was great at the beggining, and i had a great time ,but after a while ,like before ,things got boring so i returned to porn and my bi side.I found a guy who was living close to me and was into crossdressing and we would see each other almost every week.I knew something was wrong at that time but the use of porn made it all seem ok.I would watch all kind of twisted porn and edge untill i just craved to be with a guy and satisfy all his fantasies.Needles to say my gf didnt got the attention she needed and looked for what was missing somewhere else.I found out she was cheating and the news broke me in half.I loved her like crazy and didnt realise all the fucked up things i actually did .It was like i was another person driven by some force to do those things.The breaking up had a major effect on me,i had a big trauma that made me lose all my confidence and self esteem, and i actually moved from the country just so i wouldnt see her again and to try to recover.I lived and worked for 3 years in another country.In all this time i never even kissed a girl(i started to hate women and never tought i will want one again).I burried myself in porn and fapped as much i could trying to fill that void in my life.I discovered sissy porn and developed a fetish for sissy,sumbission and humiliation.I liked everything about humiliation,abuse and beeing an object to men.But for me it wasnt humiliating ,i was having fun.But it was only when using porn and edging.If im walking down the street i dont look at men,i dont like the ideea of beeing with a guy or having a relationship .Im didnt even like a guys body ,except for his junk.I tryied to convice myself several times that maybe because of my abuse history im turning gay,and that i should stop seeing girls and stick to porn and men.And trust me ,if i would found that guy i was looking for,i wouldnt be here writing all this.But every time a "date" was over, i felt ashamed and scared about what i've become.It didnt fill that void and couldnt replace the emotions a connection with a girl would provide.When i returned to my country i tryed to hookup with a girl ,and the first night i went to her apartment i couldnt get an erection.I left home crying not knowing what was going on.It was the first time this was happening .Went to some doctors who all told me i was ok ,and that it was probably performance anxiety.I got some pils and everything went ok.After we broke up i returned back to my first love,porn.This thing happend for 3-4 time with different girls.I started using sexual performance pills,but after a while that didnt work either (almost end up in hospital for taking too much one night).Now i was sick about this ,i had quite a few embarasing moments and didnt want to go thru this again.Everytime sex ocurred i was stressed ,thinking i could not get hard, that im not man enough and that i should stick to my habbit.Now i had quite a few addictions(drugs and other shit) in my life to know how your brain reacts to some needs,but this was different,it felt so right in certain moments.These were the toughts i always had when dating.I was terrified when a girld would invite me to her apartment and didnt knew what to do.So i gave up dating and sticked to porn.I was a hardcore addict,spending nights drunk or high on weed or other stuff fapping to sissy/feminization and cock worship porn.I was hooked for good.2 months ago i changed the place i work and meet a cute girl.I knew i couldnt had sex with her but that didnt stopped me to talk to her( i was always good interacting with girls).After a week or two we had a party at work ,i had a couple of drinks and some shots with the guys and stumbled into her, who was also kinda tipsy.She invited me to her home.At this point ,i would usually try to run ,but the alcohol gave me courage.I wasnt using porn or fapping for about two weeks,so i tought everything will be ok.But it was not.I failed to get hard with every help i got.She was ok about it and blame it on the alcohol.I spent the night there and in the morning we tryied again.You already know the result of that.It killed me ,cuz i knew she wasnt gonna talk to me again,and we had to work together.The second day i found nofap.com and started a 90 day hard mode.Im in my 3rd week and its getting hard,and not down there.Im in a flatline since day 2 and it scares the shit out of me.I actually tryed this before nofap and the flatline was the reason i relapsed,i wanted to see if i could get hard again.Im still pretty confused about my sexuality and preferences,but after 3 weeks i crave the presence of a real girl more than ever,and not just only for sex.I feel the need to talk and hold a girls hand ,cuddle and make her smile.Im not so scared about beeing bi anymore,i want to accept who i am ,but i want to know for sure that it is really me and its not porn induced.The first two weeks were not that hard to abstain from pmo,but not its getting really serious.I work on a cruise ship in the pool area ,so im surrounded 10 hours a day by young girls half naked.Its a roller coaster of emotions.I go from the instant need to fap to beeing sad and frustrated knowing that i couldnt handle a girl right now.After work i go to the crew bar to smoke and i have to hide my eyes from girls who smile and try to talk to me ,just because i know im a loser who cant get an erection.Its the hardest thing i ever did in my life ,and all this toughts are killing me.Im trying to stay strong and dont fuck up my reboot,but is it worth it living in frustration.What if thats who i really am and i just dont want to accept it. In a relationship with a girl im a pretty dominant guy ,but i share my head with a submissive sissy who wants to get out..So , this is my fucked up story.Thank you if you had the patience to read so far,and maybe share a tought if you have one.

 

[Trappy7]

Well done on starting this journey. The good thing is you can change and get your boners back. It's literally a matter of time, that's all. I also used pills and then they stopped. I'm currently on day 65

 

[g2stop]

Pied is the worst thing ever, I am on day 8, and I think I need more than 90 days to reboot so that is very depressing. But I am going to put all my effort into it, because I think it is worth it.

 

[Kinkster2016]

Well done on starting this journey. The good thing is you can change and get your boners back. It's literally a matter of time, that's all. I also used pills and then they stopped. I'm currently on day 65

Thank you for you reply .The lack of power down there is the only thing that is keeping me frustrated. When did you got out of the flatline ?

 

[Todor]

Kinkster2016, I congratulate you on having the courage to express what has been in you for so long. Opening up to share your story, your pain and suffering is the first step. What you've gone through really matters to me personally. I don't know you, I've never met you before, but your experience is so much like mine.

I read your story in one breath, end to end, and I was so excited about what you wrote. Being in your situation only until 2.5 months ago and currently free from the addiction to PMO makes me super excited to be able to talk to you. I know EXACTLY how you feel.

My story is about to come out soon - I'm currently writing about it. So I'm not going to go into details here. The only thing I need to tell you is that you'll be fine! You've made a huge step in discovering the cause of your addiction. I dare to say you're not gay. You're not even bi. I thought exactly the same things about myself when I was under the slavery of the addiction. Now I know that I'm not gay, bi or whatever.

But before everybody else reading jump against my opinion that I cannot be sure if Kinkster2016 is gay, bi or anything else, let me tell you that I'm totally fine if he is gay, bi or else. I would accept anything he says his sexual orientation is. Why am I sure then he is not gay or bi? Because of the similar story of my life like his I had the belief I was gay and I hated myself for 20 years of my life. I fought with this idea vigorously. I developed a horrific homophobia and I denied my sexual identity. Moreover I denied the right to anybody to be gay. I believed everybody like us is sick and need to heal. During these 20 years I had no idea that the addiction to the twisted P genres + the traumas in my life had created false self-identification.

2.5 months ago I went through huge realization, I faced my fears and traumas, and I accepted the idea of me being gay, but I separated it from the gay PMO. (Details on how I achieved this in my future publication). A true miracle happened in my life! Now I simply accept myself as I am. Whether I'm gay or not - it simply doesn't matter to me. I am free to feel LOVE towards anybody who I find beautiful, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. I accept every human being exactly as they are and I have no judgement against anybody different from me. Sexuality has taken its right place in my life - a step towards deepening any intimate relationship I go into, based on love, mutual respect and dignity.

I want to repeat one thing and emphasize on it - the mind can relate any difficult situation in our lives with PMO, especially in the age around 12-15. Once the bond between the trauma and the PMO is formed, a belief comes in us, which alter the clear perception of our innate biological sexual orientation. The only way to make the right conclusion on what sexual orientation we have is if we are free from the addiction to PMO.
Speaking from experience!

Kinkster2016, brother, I feel you!

Big hug and best wishes for your future!
I'd be honored to keep in touch with you and give you my support as much as I can. Reach me in personal message if you will.

Love,
Todor

 

[Toutanmemtan]

Hello Kinkster,

I've read your story and I can tell you I have got some similar issues.

My parents had told me a little too much about pedophilia when I was a child, I've encountered two times people whom I believed to be pedophiles, once when I was alone for 5 minutes in a store, and when I went back to see my parents, I asked them at once if their behavior was to be related to this. (such awareness is not normal for a young child).

After that, I remember that I suspected my father to have once touched me inappropriately. I now think he didn't... it was just the fear of rape who settled in my child brain.

As I grew a little older, once I had discovered porn, I became obsessed with it, and as I couldn't lay hands on real girls because I had a very poor social life (home school), I started developing the fantasy of being desired by older men, precisely (to my opinion) because of the ghost of pedophilia, who however scared the shit out of me at the beginning.

It continued to live alongside with both my sentimental life (or maybe expectations) AND to a greater extent with my use of hard heterosexual porn (gay porn always disgusted me).

What's important to understand is that fantasy has NOTHING to do with love, or with the person you would like to live with.

The only word that links all the stories similar to yours or mine is ABUSE or for me the fear that it might happen. And in the end, we fear it so much, that we fantasize about it and punish ourself in some kind of compulsive death drive which ruins our self-esteem, as you explained very well.

It is the same death drive who led me to search for pictures and videos showing young-looking girls (the barely legal stuff when girls are just 18), and fortunately I've never come across the real sick pedophile stuff — but keep in mind some people do and get trapped in the same way we do.

Abuse, even if it just the fear of it, leads to abuse, at least in virtual fantasies. This is some kind of dark energy...

Anyway, I now have a girlfriend, have strong love towards her and feel completed when I have her in my arms. Yet, porn has affected me to the extend that I still today need to think to kinky stuff when we make love in order to keep my excitation to the maximum, and that's a problem.

So, just like you, I've had issues with my sexual performance: sometimes I was too quick or sometimes I just couldn't experience any pleasure or simply have an erection.

But there's one thing I can tell you from what I've heard of you: you're not gay, you've just linked the idea of masculine abuse to something thrilling, because it gives you both fear and excitation. To me, this form of sexuality has even nothing to do with a loving relationship between two gay men.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and please don't hesitate to contact me. I'll be glad to help!

Cheers!
TTMT

 

[Todor]

Toutanmemtan,

I couldn't agree more with you! So well-said, so well-thought. Thank you personally for sharing your knowledge and experience and offering your help! Together we are so much stronger!

Isn't it awesome to know that we are not alone in this world, we are not the only person experiencing this kind of suffering and it is not our true nature that is corrupted but only our imagination, thoughts and beliefs that need straightening?

I'm excited what kind of impact we are going to deliver to this world from now on and how much happiness there is waiting for us ahead! This forum is so fantastic because of all the great people like you here!

Warm greetings everybody!
Todor

 

[Toutanmemtan]

Hi Todor,

Thank you for your words, I'm glad my experience can help better clarify things for other people and make them more motivated!

I share your enthusiasm of not being alone thanks to our way to communicate here and talk about all these sensitive topics.

By not having any shame because our actions are not our self as long as we are influence by things external to us belonging to our past, we can reach awareness and change our actions to make them correspond to our deep nature, which only craves for healthy love and harmony.

Thank you all once again!

TTMT

 

[thorswrath32]

I think it's brave of you to share your story and that's half the battle really, feeling able to open up. I suffered abuse as a child too from an older 'friend' who lived in the same block of flats as me and like you he was the first person to introduce me to porn, although at the time I was too young to understand it and i didn't have the level of excitement he did about it. Later on that all changed, i started out by cutting out pictures from catalogues and back pages of newspapers with phone sex lines and pasting them into a scrap book and from the age of 11 too. So i had already began to start a destructive habbit but also because i grew up in a family that never talked about sex, intimacy or consent also my father being a staunch christian who was against sex before marriage I only had the words and pictures of mens magazines to guide me about what sex is. When I got to secondary school and it was time to do sex education it was so tame and irrelevant to me as I had seen lots of things already. I did have one relationship when I was 17 which lasted 5 years and that was the only physical relationship I have ever had. Since then (i'm 34 now) I have not been intimate with anyone else but i ended up completely immersed in online porn, collecting and sorting pictures and vidoes from all kinds of categories. In the end I progressed onto the worst kind of stuff and I was arrested, i got involved in class A drugs when my mother pased away from cancer and that was like adding rocket fuel to a fire. Today i'm over 3 years clean from porn and drugs and alcohol and i can safely say that I have a much healthier view of sex, love and intimacy. People go in all sorts of directions when they nurture a compulsive porn habbit/addiction. It was like going into a different world, but in everyday life when i was interacting with people I never acted out innapropriately and I knew the difference between right and wrong yet in this almost trance like state when viewing porn, all that went out the window with this warped belief that because it's just pictures it's not really harmful etc and plus 'everyone watches porn so it's ok right'? it's those beliefs early on that i think laid the path to over stepping the line, plus the whole sense of anonymity, ease of access and affordability of any type of porn these days.

Things do get much better when you stop viewing porn, for starters you start to be more interested in people as human beings, learn empathy, compassion, rebuild your moral compass and do different more constructive things with your life. The kind of content people view is not indicative of someones sexuality rather it's indicative of what stage they are at in porn consumption. I have yet to speak to anyone on here on in real life that started out with just 'super models' and only ever stuck to that whilst being a compulsive user, it often progresses but to which end is unknown as everyone is unique. It's like saying because a man has viewed lesbian porn that he must be a lesbian, or if he has viewed asian porn then he must be an asian man, we know that to be complete rubbish yet many people still believe that kind of thing.

 

[Toutanmemtan]

I think it's brave of you to share your story and that's half the battle really, feeling able to open up. I suffered abuse as a child too from an older 'friend' who lived in the same block of flats as me and like you he was the first person to introduce me to porn, although at the time I was too young to understand it and i didn't have the level of excitement he did about it. Later on that all changed, i started out by cutting out pictures from catalogues and back pages of newspapers with phone sex lines and pasting them into a scrap book and from the age of 11 too. So i had already began to start a destructive habbit but also because i grew up in a family that never talked about sex, intimacy or consent also my father being a staunch christian who was against sex before marriage I only had the words and pictures of mens magazines to guide me about what sex is. When I got to secondary school and it was time to do sex education it was so tame and irrelevant to me as I had seen lots of things already. I did have one relationship when I was 17 which lasted 5 years and that was the only physical relationship I have ever had. Since then (i'm 34 now) I have not been intimate with anyone else but i ended up completely immersed in online porn, collecting and sorting pictures and vidoes from all kinds of categories. In the end I progressed onto the worst kind of stuff and I was arrested, i got involved in class A drugs when my mother pased away from cancer and that was like adding rocket fuel to a fire. Today i'm over 3 years clean from porn and drugs and alcohol and i can safely say that I have a much healthier view of sex, love and intimacy. People go in all sorts of directions when they nurture a compulsive porn habbit/addiction. It was like going into a different world, but in everyday life when i was interacting with people I never acted out innapropriately and I knew the difference between right and wrong yet in this almost trance like state when viewing porn, all that went out the window with this warped belief that because it's just pictures it's not really harmful etc and plus 'everyone watches porn so it's ok right'? it's those beliefs early on that i think laid the path to over stepping the line, plus the whole sense of anonymity, ease of access and affordability of any type of porn these days.

Things do get much better when you stop viewing porn, for starters you start to be more interested in people as human beings, learn empathy, compassion, rebuild your moral compass and do different more constructive things with your life. The kind of content people view is not indicative of someones sexuality rather it's indicative of what stage they are at in porn consumption. I have yet to speak to anyone on here on in real life that started out with just 'super models' and only ever stuck to that whilst being a compulsive user, it often progresses but to which end is unknown as everyone is unique. It's like saying because a man has viewed lesbian porn that he must be a lesbian, or if he has viewed asian porn then he must be an asian man, we know that to be complete rubbish yet many people still believe that kind of thing.

Thank you so much, thorswrath32 for posting this comment!

It is very funny because cutting pictures out of dirty magazines is also something I did when I was a very young teenager (like 13 or 14), and it humiliated me a lot, because my mother found it and threw it away (it was downright porn pictures). Unfortunately, it didn't stop me from continuing (if only!).

Let me tell you however that not only people with religious or conservative parents tend to compensate with porn! Mine were very open-minded on that matter (my mom and dad even showed me very soft erotic stuff when I was 12 or so, because they were afraid I would become a "vicious" kid who peeps at the doors), but I still became addicted to porn afterwards. I guess that the loneliness of my childhood (I had home school) didn't help though..

You seem to have gone very far in porn addiction, but what sounds amazing to me is that you haven't lost at all your moral compass. it has been exactly the same for me so far, porn was just a parallel world with no consequences, and when I found out three years ago that it actually had consequences, my habit was still very difficult to uproot and eradicate, because the feeling like "oh just one time, it won't make the world worse if I watch" was still present in my mind.

Today, I have the feeling that all porn-induced stigmas I ended up having can just be smashed to pieces and be less than a memory if I finally come to terms with the fact that there is no coming back to this sh*t, otherwise, all the things I cherish the most in life will be taken from me by the lamentable and sluggish freak that porn is.

Congrats for having gotten rid of that, man! I'm now ultra mega motivated!

Cheers!
TTMT

 

[thorswrath32]

Toutanmemtan,

I couldn't agree more with you! So well-said, so well-thought. Thank you personally for sharing your knowledge and experience and offering your help! Together we are so much stronger!

Isn't it awesome to know that we are not alone in this world, we are not the only person experiencing this kind of suffering and it is not our true nature that is corrupted but only our imagination, thoughts and beliefs that need straightening?

I'm excited what kind of impact we are going to deliver to this world from now on and how much happiness there is waiting for us ahead! This forum is so fantastic because of all the great people like you here!

Warm greetings everybody!
Todor

Love conquers hate just as light conquers darkness

 

[Kinkster2016]

Kinkster2016, I congratulate you on having the courage to express what has been in you for so long. Opening up to share your story, your pain and suffering is the first step. What you've gone through really matters to me personally. I don't know you, I've never met you before, but your experience is so much like mine.

I read your story in one breath, end to end, and I was so excited about what you wrote. Being in your situation only until 2.5 months ago and currently free from the addiction to PMO makes me super excited to be able to talk to you. I know EXACTLY how you feel.

My story is about to come out soon - I'm currently writing about it. So I'm not going to go into details here. The only thing I need to tell you is that you'll be fine! You've made a huge step in discovering the cause of your addiction. I dare to say you're not gay. You're not even bi. I thought exactly the same things about myself when I was under the slavery of the addiction. Now I know that I'm not gay, bi or whatever.

But before everybody else reading jump against my opinion that I cannot be sure if Kinkster2016 is gay, bi or anything else, let me tell you that I'm totally fine if he is gay, bi or else. I would accept anything he says his sexual orientation is. Why am I sure then he is not gay or bi? Because of the similar story of my life like his I had the belief I was gay and I hated myself for 20 years of my life. I fought with this idea vigorously. I developed a horrific homophobia and I denied my sexual identity. Moreover I denied the right to anybody to be gay. I believed everybody like us is sick and need to heal. During these 20 years I had no idea that the addiction to the twisted P genres + the traumas in my life had created false self-identification.

2.5 months ago I went through huge realization, I faced my fears and traumas, and I accepted the idea of me being gay, but I separated it from the gay PMO. (Details on how I achieved this in my future publication). A true miracle happened in my life! Now I simply accept myself as I am. Whether I'm gay or not - it simply doesn't matter to me. I am free to feel LOVE towards anybody who I find beautiful, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. I accept every human being exactly as they are and I have no judgement against anybody different from me. Sexuality has taken its right place in my life - a step towards deepening any intimate relationship I go into, based on love, mutual respect and dignity.

I want to repeat one thing and emphasize on it - the mind can relate any difficult situation in our lives with PMO, especially in the age around 12-15. Once the bond between the trauma and the PMO is formed, a belief comes in us, which alter the clear perception of our innate biological sexual orientation. The only way to make the right conclusion on what sexual orientation we have is if we are free from the addiction to PMO.
Speaking from experience!

Kinkster2016, brother, I feel you!

Big hug and best wishes for your future!
I'd be honored to keep in touch with you and give you my support as much as I can. Reach me in personal message if you will.

Love,
Todor

Dear Todor,first of all thank you for your message.I was getting pretty dissapointed and started to think that i was a little too honest as the original post didnt got any reply.It was a huge achievement for me to see that others care about my problem and they share ideeas with me.As i said before i was part of a lot of internet communities but i never had the feeling that i belong somewhere till i got here,even though i only have 3 weeks arround.The feeling that i am not alone and that others fight the same demons as me only gives me courage and strenght to continue my journey.

Just like you i want to separate my life from pmo to see exactly who i am and what i feel about my sexuality.I want to find out what i am and to accept it ,but it needs to be natural.I will embrace it with love,but i have to know that i trully am that way.I tried a few times to quit with pmo in the past but i didnt had enough information about how to do it and how bad it affects you.Since im here i ve read a lot of post and threads to understand that,because of my abuse history and the trauma i suffered i was a sitting duck for a porn addiction.I have all the characteristics of an addict and my lack of will made me a certain victim.Porn was my safe place,a spot where i could be myself ,without pressure from anyone .Porn never judged me ,never cheated on me ,never made me feel less of human.Insted it took the only thing nobody can take from you ,my manhood.It took every drop of confidence i had and turned me into a living dead.But i want to think its something of the past now.I always like to think that stuff happens for us ,and never to us.So God wanted me to folow this road and make the best out of it.This is the cross i have to carry ,even though i didnt choose it, i was tricked to take it.

You keep saying that for 2.5 months you are cured.Now thats a subject i want to talk about.I have so many questions about your journey and how did you managed to fix it all so fast.But i will wait untill you finish your publication(me and the guys hope you re close to the finish) .It would be a honour for me to have you as a friend and to share with you everything about my life.You already know more that almost anyone from this planet about me.Its a strange feeling ,but in a way i feel eliberated.I know for sure i cannot say everything i wrote out loud or looking in someones eyes(thats the reason i didnt go to therapy till now) ,but i feel like a huge weight was taken from my chest.I dont feel that shame i had in my heart now that i shared my story to the world.It made me feel human again after all these years.Thank you one more time my friend for knowing what to say and how to aproach a difficult subject like me.I have a lot of stuff to talk to you and i hope i will not bore you with my problems.Looking forward to hear from you .

With love and respect,
Chris

 

[JamesMC89]

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but you're having success. First thing I will say is watch the YouTube video called Your Brain on Porn if you haven't already. I've/listened to it at least 6-7 times and I'm still learning from it. You have to learn more about porn induced fetishes. In your case some of those fetishes may have come from sexual abuse, but I can't say from experience. You also mention your ED and have been tempted to relapse just to test yourself out. Unfortunately I have relapsed but can tell you it only takes a day or two to regain my size, so don't worry about being able to get hard. Our brains though are much harder to rewire and it takes much longer. That's where I'm struggling. The most I made is 29 days and then I got bored and relapsed. The cravings are still there and are just as intense after just one relapse. Appreciate the story. We have so much to learn about ourselves.

 

[Todor]

Chris, I was hoping you come back to this forum and reply. I'm so happy you did! I thank you!

There is really a lot more I can tell you about how much similar my experience in life is with yours. And I will as soon as I finish with my work on my story. My motivation to write this material is huge, but after I've met you and other folks here in the same situation, with similar stories, now it's even greater. It's about 70% done, but I'm investing plenty of time and so much effort in it, because this is the fruit of all my efforts to understand the root causes of the suffering in my life. And I dearly hope my realizations can make a difference in the life of many others suffering just as I did.

There hasn't been any other area in my life so problematic as the sexuality, namely due to the PMO addiction and its consequences. This is my dark side; a dark side of a man, who is an engineer, with two university degrees, recognized as capable, responsible and smart person, a leader; a loving and kind person, who is always ready to help the others; a person with a spiritual background and so on... I'm not telling any of this to show off; I'm far from identifying with my success. I don't need to prove myself anymore. I'm giving this information just to show that regardless of our success on the outside, our internal peace and harmony is what really matters.

Yes, many times I've mentioned 2.5 months of freedom. That's all I can give as a measurement of time. But when I mention this short period, which cannot even be considered as a full reboot (90 days), there is a slight smile on my face, because of the reason that I really don't care how many days the counter says. I know that after one year it will say 365 + 79 days; after 5 years - I don't bother calculating
See, in that moment on the 28 Dec 2017, around 10 pm, which marks the biggest breakthrough in my life so far, I KNEW I'm earning my freedom. So I have no goals to achieve measured in time. I just live and enjoy every single day until the rest of my life.
BOY, I'M GIVING MY EVERYTHING TO HELP YOU FEEL WHAT I FEEL AND SEE THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES!!!

I completely understand that my statement above may sound too bold, too daring, superficial and even off putting to many, but if you happen to know me better you'll see how down to earth I am.

Moreover, I suggest methods of working towards the freedom from the PMO addiction, which are TOTALLY PRACTICAL and easy to follow; tools available to anyone, free of charge. I'm not selling anything; no magic pills as well Just my experience and what works for me.

-------------------------------------

I cried when I read your last post. I cried from happiness, because I recognize you're awakening to face your addiction and to embrace your freedom, which you totally deserve! I couldn't be happier to meet you exactly at this point in your life and in this point in my life. Just a couple of months ago I didn't have anything to share with you except my pain. But now...

Please, be patient and believe you're on the right track. Stay here, because here you are among beautiful people, who will support you. This community is so great! /This is the first online platform I feel I belong to and have something to share./

Keep in mind that I'm here to help you and other human beings like you and I'll never 'get bored' from whatever you share. Write me anytime. I'll be honored!

Now it's time to get back to my writing!

Big hug, love and respect, brother!
Todor

 

[Kinkster2016]

Chris, I was hoping you come back to this forum and reply. I'm so happy you did! I thank you!

There is really a lot more I can tell you about how much similar my experience in life is with yours. And I will as soon as I finish with my work on my story. My motivation to write this material is huge, but after I've met you and other folks here in the same situation, with similar stories, now it's even greater. It's about 70% done, but I'm investing plenty of time and so much effort in it, because this is the fruit of all my efforts to understand the root causes of the suffering in my life. And I dearly hope my realizations can make a difference in the life of many others suffering just as I did.

There hasn't been any other area in my life so problematic as the sexuality, namely due to the PMO addiction and its consequences. This is my dark side; a dark side of a man, who is an engineer, with two university degrees, recognized as capable, responsible and smart person, a leader; a loving and kind person, who is always ready to help the others; a person with a spiritual background and so on... I'm not telling any of this to show off; I'm far from identifying with my success. I don't need to prove myself anymore. I'm giving this information just to show that regardless of our success on the outside, our internal peace and harmony is what really matters.

Yes, many times I've mentioned 2.5 months of freedom. That's all I can give as a measurement of time. But when I mention this short period, which cannot even be considered as a full reboot (90 days), there is a slight smile on my face, because of the reason that I really don't care how many days the counter says. I know that after one year it will say 365 + 79 days; after 5 years - I don't bother calculating
See, in that moment on the 28 Dec 2017, around 10 pm, which marks the biggest breakthrough in my life so far, I KNEW I'm earning my freedom. So I have no goals to achieve measured in time. I just live and enjoy every single day until the rest of my life.
BOY, I'M GIVING MY EVERYTHING TO HELP YOU FEEL WHAT I FEEL AND SEE THE WORLD THROUGH MY EYES!!!

I completely understand that my statement above may sound too bold, too daring, superficial and even off putting to many, but if you happen to know me better you'll see how down to earth I am.

Moreover, I suggest methods of working towards the freedom from the PMO addiction, which are TOTALLY PRACTICAL and easy to follow; tools available to anyone, free of charge. I'm not selling anything; no magic pills as well Just my experience and what works for me.

-------------------------------------

I cried when I read your last post. I cried from happiness, because I recognize you're awakening to face your addiction and to embrace your freedom, which you totally deserve! I couldn't be happier to meet you exactly at this point in your life and in this point in my life. Just a couple of months ago I didn't have anything to share with you except my pain. But now...

Please, be patient and believe you're on the right track. Stay here, because here you are among beautiful people, who will support you. This community is so great! /This is the first online platform I feel I belong to and have something to share./

Keep in mind that I'm here to help you and other human beings like you and I'll never 'get bored' from whatever you share. Write me anytime. I'll be honored!

Now it's time to get back to my writing!

Big hug, love and respect, brother!
Todor

Dear Todor, first of all i want to apologize i dont respond as quick as i should. Working on a ship doesnt provide too much time off and i dont want to write something in a rush just to offer an answer. I still didnt answered to all the guys that wrote to me but i will try to find time and do it today. It means the world to me that someone takes a couple of minutes to share something to a stranger.
Second , i replied to that guys post after reading your response . I loved the way to wrote to him and i hopped maybe you will notice my message and reply to me too. I hope this doesnt make me too shady. Thank you for existing brother . You never have to worry that i will not reply, even if it takes a little longer. You like it or not, you are my friend for life now

I dont consider that knowing what we are capable of means showing off. It good to remember who we are and the good things that really define us. It really showes how much this addiction changed us for the worst. I used to be a really friendly guy , always willing to make new friends , ready to have fun and party , and very laid back . The kind of funny guy who everyone want to be arround. I had big succes with girls , not only in relationships , but a lot of female friends who trusted me and always searched for answers from me. I was very happy to help, it made me whole knowing i can give back to the world.After my break up( the biggest trauma of my life that activated the really adiction to the sissy life ) i became this introvert full of hate and bad thoughts . I was full of bad energy and negativity. I HATED everything arround me. I hated cute girls and tought they were all whore (just because mine used to be) , i hated happy couples and hopped they will cheat on each other so they can fell the pain in felt. I was a train wreck. The worst thing about it was that i couldnt talked to anyone.I didnt trusted anyone anymore to share that kind of pain that i had inside . And that pain shreded my from the inside out. The first time i found the courage to say something about this was after about 3 years. I was driving with my best friend at that time and he started to question me why am i always sad and never smile (my mood would change i less than a second when hearing a song of anything that would remind me of her ). So i started to give him some little insides about what is going on in my heart and instant burst into tears , and dude i mean tears . I stopped the car and cryed like a kid who lost his mother. I couldnt control myself.only the i realised that i had to let things out i order to start healing .i never told anyone the whole story , only fragments , but it improved my situation a little . Its been 6 years and im still not over that episode , and it ruined my life . Maybe now that i have a friend who knows something even worse about me i could share that . I notice that sharing makes me feel slightly better .

Its good to make bold statements as long as you stick to them. And i really belive in your change . 3 weeks ago when i first found this site i started to read all these succes stories and i didnt belive anything. I knew that quiting this behavior would have some benefits , but not in all life aspects. After 3 weeks i realise that almost 99% of the problems i had were caused by my p addiction. In all these 3 weeks i didnt had problems with urges , except only when i saw a cute girl in bikini, my mind instantly tought about m and from there to frustration in one second cuz i knew i would never be able to handle a girl like that( cuz of my trauma cute girls started to scare me ). The first week the brain started to project random images of p i saw in the past in order to make me relapse ( its funny how the brain reacts to withdrawal the same for every drug, i got the same feeling when quiting drugs) . Then sexualizing every random image or sound ( a girl eating a hot dog, ice cream, the face a girl made yawning almost gave me a boner )a sign the brain needed its dopamine .The second week i started to have nightmares , i woke up in the middle of the night very sad not knowing why . I had headaches , i was always dizzy and couldnt concentrate more than a couple of minutes . But the 3 week started to show some improvements that i didnt tought would happen. First of all my state of mind changed , im not sad anymore . I started to enjoy the little things , started to enjoy my music again , the sun, talking to people and being intrested in what they have to say. I actually had a nice conversation with a cute woman a few days ago and really talked , without checking her out or imagining things . I used to sexualize every girl i met and put tags on them like i was used to do with my p. It was the only way a girl was intresting to me , if she had the right tag. Now i dont think about those stuff , and more than ever in my life i crave being close to a girl . I want to connect , talk , laugh , hold a girls hand , play to her hair , every little thing that as an addict you dont find intresting. This makes me very happy and gives me power to go on seeing that nofap actually works. I am amazed. Im pretty sure that the rest of my problems will find a solution , stuff like bad skin, anger management , moods and other stuff.

I was asking about your fast recovery cuz i wanted to know how far are you . Im curently in a flatline and it kills me. Have to managed to get out of it ? Ever had sex so far ? Im asking because i know that beside rebooting , rewiring is just as important, and im curious what you did for that matter.
There is a girl here that keeps smiling for about a week . I really like her and i would love to talk to her , but girls on the ship are pretty straight forward and in one night or two she will probably propose to go to her cabin for you know what. And i know for sure im not ready for that , but it will be a huge boost for my confidence and a great chance to rewire my brain. I dont know what to do. If i engage in the conversation its only a matter of time till we get to sex , and God knows i cannot handle yet another embarassing episode . I was thinking about using some sexual pills for ED. What do you think ? Dont get me wrong , im not looking to cheat or shorten my reboot , im just trying to aproach this girls and rewire in the same time . I will help me a lot . Whats your opinion Todor ?

Thanks for everything

Love , Chris

 

[Kinkster2016]

Hello Kinkster,

I've read your story and I can tell you I have got some similar issues.

My parents had told me a little too much about pedophilia when I was a child, I've encountered two times people whom I believed to be pedophiles, once when I was alone for 5 minutes in a store, and when I went back to see my parents, I asked them at once if their behavior was to be related to this. (such awareness is not normal for a young child).

After that, I remember that I suspected my father to have once touched me inappropriately. I now think he didn't... it was just the fear of rape who settled in my child brain.

As I grew a little older, once I had discovered porn, I became obsessed with it, and as I couldn't lay hands on real girls because I had a very poor social life (home school), I started developing the fantasy of being desired by older men, precisely (to my opinion) because of the ghost of pedophilia, who however scared the shit out of me at the beginning.

It continued to live alongside with both my sentimental life (or maybe expectations) AND to a greater extent with my use of hard heterosexual porn (gay porn always disgusted me).

What's important to understand is that fantasy has NOTHING to do with love, or with the person you would like to live with.

The only word that links all the stories similar to yours or mine is ABUSE or for me the fear that it might happen. And in the end, we fear it so much, that we fantasize about it and punish ourself in some kind of compulsive death drive which ruins our self-esteem, as you explained very well.

It is the same death drive who led me to search for pictures and videos showing young-looking girls (the barely legal stuff when girls are just 18), and fortunately I've never come across the real sick pedophile stuff — but keep in mind some people do and get trapped in the same way we do.

Abuse, even if it just the fear of it, leads to abuse, at least in virtual fantasies. This is some kind of dark energy...

Anyway, I now have a girlfriend, have strong love towards her and feel completed when I have her in my arms. Yet, porn has affected me to the extend that I still today need to think to kinky stuff when we make love in order to keep my excitation to the maximum, and that's a problem.

So, just like you, I've had issues with my sexual performance: sometimes I was too quick or sometimes I just couldn't experience any pleasure or simply have an erection.

But there's one thing I can tell you from what I've heard of you: you're not gay, you've just linked the idea of masculine abuse to something thrilling, because it gives you both fear and excitation. To me, this form of sexuality has even nothing to do with a loving relationship between two gay men.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and please don't hesitate to contact me. I'll be glad to help!

Cheers!
TTMT

Dear TTMT , thank you for your reply and sorry it took me so long to response. Just the fact that guys with similar issues as me responded to this thread makes me feel like im not alone and that there is hope out there . I just have to reach it .i ve read a few things about psychology but i still dont know if my sexual cravings started cuz of my abuse or by porn, but i know for a fact that porn made it worse, because i only felt that strong urgers after watching porn and edging . I didnt fantasise about stuff like that in other moments , only when i was horny and thinking about p. I also think its not because im gay , because i only think about men in a sexual context . After i suffered a big trauma cause by a break up i started to blame myself for everything. So probably my brain went that far and made me humiliate myself so bad. I tought so bad that im less of a man and i dont deserve to be treated right , that i started to search that treatment in real life.

I want you to know that you re very lucky to have a gf and being able to have sex to her, even though you re not always 100% yourself . That can be changed . I also used to think about kinkier stuff when having sex and didnt manage to connect . Your brain still distracts you from whats in front of you and still cant get its dopamine from real interactions. I think you still need to work on that. But you re one step ahead of many guys . You have her . My advice would be to try to talk to her , try to spice things up with her . I read a lot of posts from guys who were saying they want to give up theyr fetishes. And its a good thing as long as they are p induced. I have a lot of p induced fetishes , but i also have a lot of kinky stuff i like to do that i developed in real interactions. And thats healthy , and i dont want to give that up. Its who i am. I dont want this reboot to make me a crying to the sunset vanilla guy. Kinky means something different for everybody . As long as it consensual and doesnt hurt anyone, for me the sky is the limit . Remember , whats chaos for the fly is normal for the spider . Im here to get rid of my pied and reclaim my sexual life back . Im craving for a connection with a real girl, but that doesnt mean we will not have or enjoy life . So try to talk to her and try to spice things up. Suprise her , find out what fantasies she has(if you dont already know) . Communication is the key on a relatioship and the nr cause of cheating . Healthy sex is very important , knowing your partners need and providing them will only bring you guys closer. People break up from almost every reason, but 2 people who fuck each others not only bodys but brains , those remain togheter and overcome many obstacles. Thank you for taking your time to write brother and i hope i will hear from you soon.

Chris

 

[Kinkster2016]

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, but you're having success. First thing I will say is watch the YouTube video called Your Brain on Porn if you haven't already. I've/listened to it at least 6-7 times and I'm still learning from it. You have to learn more about porn induced fetishes. In your case some of those fetishes may have come from sexual abuse, but I can't say from experience. You also mention your ED and have been tempted to relapse just to test yourself out. Unfortunately I have relapsed but can tell you it only takes a day or two to regain my size, so don't worry about being able to get hard. Our brains though are much harder to rewire and it takes much longer. That's where I'm struggling. The most I made is 29 days and then I got bored and relapsed. The cravings are still there and are just as intense after just one relapse. Appreciate the story. We have so much to learn about ourselves.

Dear James , thank you for your kind words. Yeah , my plate was more than full. The last 10 years of my life i did nothing that watch p and seek for damaged people like me for all kind of sick and twisted experiences. And everytime one ended , i had to go further . It felt like i was a hamster on a wheel , runnning faster and faster towards achieving what i tought were my sexual dreams and fantasies. But everytime i felt blank and in need of something more extreme.and thats how drugs work, you need more and more to get that kick.
Before i came to nofap i didnt knew what a flatline was , so after maybe a week without pmo , my libido was very down and Jr started to shrink, so that scared me everytime and i would relapse to see if its still works.you are lucky to regain your size after one day or two. Im in my 3rd week and theres still no change. Its the only thing that frustrates me the most . I hope this will change soon. Thank you for your reply and i hope to hear from you soon.

Chris

 

[Todor]

Chris, you are such a wonderful human being! I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. And what I mean by saying that is that I can see how loving, caring and kind you are inside if you just manage to stay away from the P addiction. Read again this part of your message:

my state of mind changed , im not sad anymore . I started to enjoy the little things , started to enjoy my music again , the sun, talking to people and being intrested in what they have to say.

Is there something more beautiful on Earth than a being that can appreciate all these things? God, I love what you just said about yourself! And I'm sure you have so much more to give to this world!

----------------------------------------------

Now, please try to listen to me, if you believe that I'm a real person, with a real story so similar to yours, who is here willing to help you;
and listen to all the other people here, who have experience way longer than mine, who also care about you:

FINISH THE 90 DAYS REBOOT.

Do your best, as much as you can, to restrain from P/PMO/MO.
I don't know what other will advise you on this, but my personal opinion is that you are not ready to engage in any sexual contact at this point! My inner feeling says this will not help you. You don't need any medication to help you with the ED. You need a break. To truly know what you want your erection has to be yours and it will be, if you allow your body and mind to rewire, i.e. reboot first.

Again here - read what you just wrote down:

"And i know for sure im not ready for that..." /Kinkster2016 considering having sex with a girl/

You don't have to ask me or anybody else when you know inside you what is good for you. Please, just listen to yourself, because this sounds just like you; the real sane you. Write it down on paper. Keep it with you.
You don't have to prove to anybody that you're capable of intimate relationship, not even to yourself. I'm sure you know it, just admit it to yourself.

Before you get to the 90 days, I promise you I'll be finished with my work and then we'll discuss a hell lot more about all the questions that you have!

Keep your self-respect high up!
I'm with you!

Todor

 

[Kinkster2016]

I think it's brave of you to share your story and that's half the battle really, feeling able to open up. I suffered abuse as a child too from an older 'friend' who lived in the same block of flats as me and like you he was the first person to introduce me to porn, although at the time I was too young to understand it and i didn't have the level of excitement he did about it. Later on that all changed, i started out by cutting out pictures from catalogues and back pages of newspapers with phone sex lines and pasting them into a scrap book and from the age of 11 too. So i had already began to start a destructive habbit but also because i grew up in a family that never talked about sex, intimacy or consent also my father being a staunch christian who was against sex before marriage I only had the words and pictures of mens magazines to guide me about what sex is. When I got to secondary school and it was time to do sex education it was so tame and irrelevant to me as I had seen lots of things already. I did have one relationship when I was 17 which lasted 5 years and that was the only physical relationship I have ever had. Since then (i'm 34 now) I have not been intimate with anyone else but i ended up completely immersed in online porn, collecting and sorting pictures and vidoes from all kinds of categories. In the end I progressed onto the worst kind of stuff and I was arrested, i got involved in class A drugs when my mother pased away from cancer and that was like adding rocket fuel to a fire. Today i'm over 3 years clean from porn and drugs and alcohol and i can safely say that I have a much healthier view of sex, love and intimacy. People go in all sorts of directions when they nurture a compulsive porn habbit/addiction. It was like going into a different world, but in everyday life when i was interacting with people I never acted out innapropriately and I knew the difference between right and wrong yet in this almost trance like state when viewing porn, all that went out the window with this warped belief that because it's just pictures it's not really harmful etc and plus 'everyone watches porn so it's ok right'? it's those beliefs early on that i think laid the path to over stepping the line, plus the whole sense of anonymity, ease of access and affordability of any type of porn these days.

Things do get much better when you stop viewing porn, for starters you start to be more interested in people as human beings, learn empathy, compassion, rebuild your moral compass and do different more constructive things with your life. The kind of content people view is not indicative of someones sexuality rather it's indicative of what stage they are at in porn consumption. I have yet to speak to anyone on here on in real life that started out with just 'super models' and only ever stuck to that whilst being a compulsive user, it often progresses but to which end is unknown as everyone is unique. It's like saying because a man has viewed lesbian porn that he must be a lesbian, or if he has viewed asian porn then he must be an asian man, we know that to be complete rubbish yet many people still believe that kind of thing.

Dear thorswrath32 , thanks for your reply and sorry it took so long to answear. We have a lot of things in common.

Just like you i grew in a cristian house where sex was something taboo. We never talked about it or even mention the word . My parent tryed to protect me from everything they tought it was bad. And i never blamed them. They lived in a communist country so sex ed or stuff like that didnt exist . They didnt knew how important talking to your kid was , i mean , its not like were not gonna find out about sex , right . I remember a very awkward moment in my childhood . I was probably arround 7-8 yo when my mom caught me in the shower playing with Jr. i wasnt even fapping , just discovering my manly parts just like every kid does at that age. she did a huge deal about it , started to scream and treat me like i killed someone. Then started telling me how wrong playing with your genitals was and how upset God and the universe will be and that everytime i do that something bad will happen to me. She even went the extra mile and wrote this statement saying that if she will ever catch me doing that she will put me in a foster home , and made me sign it. I was traumatized and ashamed . Not enough to stop me from fappin, but everytime i did it i would expect something bad to happen to me. Sometimes it would , sometimes i would find the worst thing that happend that day and blame it in m. I grew up in a very loving family , but u didnt felt that loved if you know what i mean. Growing up as a boy sex is something fascinating , so having porn magazines and related stuff is nothing bad in my opinion. I had tons of them hidden in the attic, and im not talkinf about your regular playboy. These were some hardcore german magazines , pretty intense stuff for a 13 yo. You dont want to know my moms look when she found those . I bought myself another awkward parent talk . But as i said , i dont blame them. They did what they tought was best . And the collecting hobby didnt stop when i reached the internet . Just like you i would spend hours sorting videos , a lot of times it was more fun than actually watching them. I would browse thousands of links to find the most extreme stuff on the web . At some point i upgraded my pc just so it could suport more tabs in my browser. And when i couldnt find something that i didnt saw already , i instaled a browser for the dark web. Luckly for me im not a very pacient guy and because i didnt quite knew how things worked there i returned to the usual stuff.

Im sorry to hear about your mother . Im sure shes up there watching over you . I also had police issues because of drugs and drug related problems and i was arrested twice . I didnt spent too much time in but it wasnt very pleasant . I dont want to say i can relate on what you ve been thru but i have an ideea . I felt that trance state that you talk about . Everything seems normal when youre in your comfort zone in front of your pc . Its just the internet , so you re not doing anything wrong . The only wrong thing is the addiction that came after . Im a normal guy when walking the street , but i ve probably seen more porn than all of my friends will in their lifetime. I remember one time my coworkers watching a super gross video on someones phone , the one that makes everyone sick and that many cant even watch till the end,and i had to act shocked , but i knew it cuz i fapped to it the previous night. But just like any addiction it takes you to the extreme, craving for more and more . Im pretty sure we will have those memories with us our whole life , but quiting p will also help us replace those empty nights in front of the pc with meaningful ,healthy relationships. Its just a matter of time. Luckly for us this place exist , and finding people with the same problem as me helped me a lot. I dont feel like a freak anymore,i just need to set my priorities straight. I was very lucky to find great girls that wanted me, but i ve always pushed them away when they refused my twisted fantasies. I know now that sex isnt everything in life , and having someone to share your life is more important . Thank you for sharing your story with me and replying my post . I wish you all the best and i hope to hear from you soon.

Take care brother .
Chris

 

[Toutanmemtan]

Dear TTMT , thank you for your reply and sorry it took me so long to response. Just the fact that guys with similar issues as me responded to this thread makes me feel like im not alone and that there is hope out there . I just have to reach it .i ve read a few things about psychology but i still dont know if my sexual cravings started cuz of my abuse or by porn, but i know for a fact that porn made it worse, because i only felt that strong urgers after watching porn and edging . I didnt fantasise about stuff like that in other moments , only when i was horny and thinking about p. I also think its not because im gay , because i only think about men in a sexual context . After i suffered a big trauma cause by a break up i started to blame myself for everything. So probably my brain went that far and made me humiliate myself so bad. I tought so bad that im less of a man and i dont deserve to be treated right , that i started to search that treatment in real life.

I want you to know that you re very lucky to have a gf and being able to have sex to her, even though you re not always 100% yourself . That can be changed . I also used to think about kinkier stuff when having sex and didnt manage to connect . Your brain still distracts you from whats in front of you and still cant get its dopamine from real interactions. I think you still need to work on that. But you re one step ahead of many guys . You have her . My advice would be to try to talk to her , try to spice things up with her . I read a lot of posts from guys who were saying they want to give up theyr fetishes. And its a good thing as long as they are p induced. I have a lot of p induced fetishes , but i also have a lot of kinky stuff i like to do that i developed in real interactions. And thats healthy , and i dont want to give that up. Its who i am. I dont want this reboot to make me a crying to the sunset vanilla guy. Kinky means something different for everybody . As long as it consensual and doesnt hurt anyone, for me the sky is the limit . Remember , whats chaos for the fly is normal for the spider . Im here to get rid of my pied and reclaim my sexual life back . Im craving for a connection with a real girl, but that doesnt mean we will not have or enjoy life . So try to talk to her and try to spice things up. Suprise her , find out what fantasies she has(if you dont already know) . Communication is the key on a relatioship and the nr cause of cheating . Healthy sex is very important , knowing your partners need and providing them will only bring you guys closer. People break up from almost every reason, but 2 people who fuck each others not only bodys but brains , those remain togheter and overcome many obstacles. Thank you for taking your time to write brother and i hope i will hear from you soon.

Chris

Hi Chris,

Thanks for answering us all separately, it's very kind of you.

Just like you, I don't always know what is porn-induced and what "naturally" came to my young mind at that time. Problem is the following : how can any fantasy be totally devoid of the influence of porn when porn becomes a part of our lives so early and also represents such a violent and powerful stimulus? If porn doesn't create everything, it definitely sets a frame.
To such an extent that almost no youngster nowadays can boast on not having watched porn a single time!

Otherwise, just like you, I have always been unable to imagine myself giving sensual affection to another man. The vision of man I was having in such fantasies was always that of a selfish brute, or even some kind of a rapist, it's sad to say..

Other point: it's maybe subjective, but I don't agree with you when you say that the sky is the limit as long as a sexual practice is consensual. I strongly believe that some fetishisms end up completely de-personalizing the partner, I mean objectify him/her in a role playing game which often includes sick domination.

When you start imagining yourself being an adultery father in bed with a young student baby sitter whom you regularly abuse (it's a mere example), although the person you are making love to is your caring girlfriend, I can tell you that fantasizing gets disgusting.

That's why, I may like stockings for instance, I'm afraid that if my girlfriend wears them while we make love, I'll end up calling her a wh*re in my head, just to feed my porn-induced mental mechanisms.

I'm very sorry but I have difficulties to consciously want this to happen...

Anyhow, many thanks for the support, my friend. I'm sure you will get better!

TTMT