My Life Story - How I began Watching Pornography & How its derailed my life.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by TomBradyGOAT, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. TomBradyGOAT

    TomBradyGOAT Fapstronaut

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    I know this is a long read but please bare with me.

    I might need special help and advice as I feel my situation is a little more unique than most as I have another underlying problem making nofap almost impossible. Ive never heard anyone else on here talk about this problem that I will get to later in my story.

    I was 8 or 9 years old at the time and the year was 2008. I was a normal happy kid. I made friends easily whether at school or in my neighborhood and played outside all day. When I wasn't outside I liked to play videogames, watch cartoons/anime, watch the patriots play on Sunday, and play with cars and toys. Typical kid stuff. I was raised under good parents/family members and in a good enviornment. Never could I have ever fathomed that my life would go down the way it did.

    One day I was watching television in the living room at my dads house. When I walked past the den I saw my sister watching a video of a man licking and sucking on a womans breast. I had never seen anything like that before and I couldnt believe my sister would be watching something like that so openly because their were no doors around the den. Anyone could see what she was doing. The video peaked the curiosity of my young pea brain and I began to sneakily watch the video without her noticing. Eventually she heard me and figured out what i was doing and closed the tab and never re opend it. I desperately hope she would. This moment was the pioneer of the downfall of my life.

    The following days after the incident I would look at basic strip teases on youtube since they didnt allow nudity. Eventually I was tired of being teased and wanted to see some real nudity. I dont know what I typed into google or the URL but what I saw was the most shocking thing I have ever seen as a child. I discovered a porn website an old one as it had that early 2000s late 90s website look. I saw nude men and woman. Images of Men penetrating woman with their penises in both their holes. I did not know what a vagina or Semen was at the time so I had no idea WTF I was looking at. The feeling I felt was the feeling of discovering something you know you werent suppose to see. It was like the feeling of finding hidden government secrets or stumbling upon a demonic cult ritual. I could literally feel the evil just staring me in the face from my monitor. I immediately closed out of the website and vowed never to look at that website or any others ever again. However my curiosity was way to peaked....


    The following days I would go back to that website and more vowing to never look at them again only to look at them again and again until i basically became desensitized to them and accepted them into my life. Newgrounds, a website I use to frequent to play flash video games on, had a mature section that I discovered. This is where I began to start watching cartoon/anime porn. I knew what I was looking at was wrong, but I couldnt stop myself.

    During 5th grade my sister had graduated and went to university. My brother was out with his friends all day after school playing basketball and doing other things. My dad was a truck driver and only came home on Friday or Saturday and left on sunday or monday. I was alone for usually 8 hours after school giving me more than enough time to look at Porn and play hentai/cartoon porn games. I didnt know what masturbation was so all I did was just sit and watch it for hours sometimes.

    When 5th grade was over I moved to maryland to live with my mom and my stepdad for middle school. I didnt have the apartment to myself but I did have my own room which was all I needed to do the evil deed. I eventually discovered masturbation and began to do it every single day, sometimes multiple times per day. I began developing acne, I thought it was just puberty, little did I know I was completely fucking up my hormonal balance. I would fap at the urinals at school wanking one out in 15-20 seconds before anyone could catch me and did it in other public bathrooms. I would either use porn or my imagination to masturbate.

    7th grade is where I started to get bullied by my peers and 8th grade is where everything completely fell apart. I was a big beta and a pushover which I'm sure porn contributed too heavily. I was also so desperate to be popular and trying to hang with the cool kids even though they didnt give a fuck about me and eventually I pushed away good friends that I had made just for a taste of popularity that I never got. People began to lose respect for me and I began to lose respect for myself. I began to hide myself away in my room with the comfort of porn, tv and videogames. I talked less and less at school.

    Because of financial reasons I had to move with my mom back to north carolina and live with my aunt and grandma in the middle of the school year. I expected it to suck since I was going to a new school right in the middle of the school year.

    I didnt always sit my room 24/7 doing nothing and I did try other activities like playing trumpet in Middleschool and trying to make flash games and animations since I was always on the computer. I tried out for the football team and began excercising too, but I was never proficient in any of these activities. I could never really focus due to excessive masturbation and porn viewing and never knew about transmuting my sexual energy so I just failed and sucked at everything I did and tried. But I atleast had the fire and motivation to try new things unlike later on in my life where I no longer had the motivation to do anything besides eat, play videogames, and browse the internet. Its just that whenever I hit that wall to reach the next skill level, I could never get past it and gave up.

    High school is where things took a turn for the worse. The bullying and disresepct I recieved in 10th grade was far worse than middle school and it caused a terrible underlying problem that heavily has been preventing me from getting anywhere on nofap. I also began to stray away from fapping with my imagination, to only using pornography.

    Sorry for this next part. I know it may be uncomfortable to read and it strays off of my experience with pornography a little but its crucial for you to understand because it plays a massive role in me struggling with nofap.

    I was a bullys target because of my looks because of my face. I developed a bad overbite because I could never afford braces and my looks were mocked almost every day. I also had a nose not proportiante with my face. Even my own friends constantly made fun of my looks. My bullies said and did horrible things to me. I was humiliated infront of my peers multiple times. Strangers at school didnt even want to be around me. I have way too many experiences for me to write them all out but I will give you a tidbit of what I had to go through on the daily.

    I was riding the school bus home. A couple of people on the bus next to mines at the Red light were shouting at me and rolled down their windows. They were shouting "Ugly!" "Ugly as fuck!" "God that n!ggas ugly!" I was just so confused and paralyzed in fear at what was happening. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Luckily I was sitting in the back and only one other person was around me and they didnt see what was going on. I cried myself to sleep immediately when I got home. A few days later i saw the leader of the pact at school and as I was walking down the stairs he was shouting and laughing at me saying "haha that n!ggas ugly yo!"

    This might sound unbelievable to most of you but believe me this did happen and I have many, MANY more stories similar to this one. If you want more stories just ask me.

    My confidence and ego were destroyed and I was never able to recover. I began to become antisocial and developed anxiety only amplified even more by pornography. I began developing a skin diseases as well caused by excessive masturbation as well as acne and acne marks on my back and shoulders. My skin was atrocious. The disease made patches of my skin lighter than others. Every product I tried didnt work. I also began to develop pimples on the back of my head so bad that I had to stop shaving the back of my head and have a mullet at all times.

    I had actually heard of nofap around 9th or tenth grade and was practicing it since then. The most I could ever make it was 9 days clean. With all the bullying I went through and all the hate I recieved and my destroyed mind there was no way I would be able to refrain from masturbation and porn because it was an easy outlet to escape my shitty life. I always knew fapping was causing these things to happen to me due to a hormonal imbalance, I could feel pimples forming on me whenever I relasped. I could feel my skin tingling and feeling wierd whenever I relasped.

    12th grade was relatively decent. I learned that i could mask my overbite by mewing and extending my jaw. I had actually been lifting since 10th grade but I never bulked up until senior year. I wasnt tall, only 5'9 but I weighed 185 and was around 9% BF. People stopped bullying me. No one went out there way to mess with me anymore although I did still occasionally get called or implied to be ugly. Usually it was by one of my friends or a coworker. However I had finally found the one thing I was good at and that was lifting weights. I began using minoxidil to grow facial hair. It didnt give me a full beard, just a patchy one. Decent coverage, better than nothing. Also the disease pretty took over and made my skin completely lighter so no more uneven patches all over except for a few on my arms that no one would ever point out or care about. I stopped being a push over. I went from shrek level ugly to just ugly. Not someone whos attractive in anyway shape or form but not so ugly that people feel the need to bully and put me down out of maliciousness.

    Once I graudated and university came around I became 100% introverted. I always sat in the back of the classroom and never initated contact with anyone unless they came to me first or unless I had too for an assingment or group work. I never talked because I didnt want to bother anyone with my ugliness. I didnt want to get bullied again since everytime I had been bullied, it was because I "put myself out there". I did not want to be called ugly because that word is like a knife going through my chest whenever someone calls me it. It brings back terrible memories.

    My anxiety just went away somehow so I was always able to socialize and talk like a normal human being if I needed to. I started off well with the gym at uni. However once I lost contact with my workout parthners at uni, I became lazier and lazier throughout the next semesters lifting only 1 time a month or somtimes going months without lifting and lost alot of strength and my some of my physique and size.

    Don't worry, I'm getting to the end of this ass long story now.

    During my time in uni I learned way more than I ever knew before about nofap and its correlation to the law of attraction, the chakras of the body, and transmutation of sexual energy. I finally figured out who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do in life but I still continue to fail over and over again never topping 9 days clean. Infact recently ive been heavily struggling to get past 4 days. Like I said I never recovered from the bullying of my looks. I would like to join clubs and activities in uni and other places to fill time in my day and transmute my energy to something productive but my destroyed subconcious mind stops me from doing so because of how I get treated when I put myself out there.

    I figured inside activities would be best since I like writing. I'm working on a big storyline for a comic, although ive been wasting alot of time on youtube and the inernet and can barely focus. I'm about to buy an electric guitar and start practicing drawing since these activities actually correlate to my goals and what I want to do in life. I took all my videogames back home, and I leave my phone in my car most of the time, but I end up bringing it inside eventually and relasping.

    Thanks to anyone that read all of this. I just want to quit this pornography cancer and turn my life around already. Ive also been thinking about chemical castration but I'm assuming you lose all sexual feeling so it would be pointless since you need to transmute your sexual energy.
     
    Hugoalsace, Metis07 and Coffee Candy like this.
  2. Porterhouse

    Porterhouse Fapstronaut

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    Welcome and thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that you have had so many traumatizing interactions in your life. If you’re not already, you may want to consider seeking a counselor or therapist. It’s kinda wild how much the past traumas we had can impact our current life. I personally never got into the hentai games (usually required personal info that I didn’t want to give out), but when I was at the end of high school and for some years after I struggled with porn (among other things) addiction PMO’ing 5+ some days. When I first started NoFap I was committed to never acting out again, but no matter how hard I tried, I kept stumbling. For me personally, I have forced myself to get some quiet time (no distractions whatsoever) so that I can truly figure out for myself what is true about me. The mind has a funny way of making us seem like terrible unloveable people, but that’s a lie. I have also switched to no longer focusing on stopping forever (that is sort of the goal), but instead focus solely on the next 24 hours. You got this man, you already took a strong step in the right direction by sharing. Now keep the momentum going!
     
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  3. TomBradyGOAT

    TomBradyGOAT Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for reading and thanks for the response bro because I know not alot of people can sit and read something so long.

    When you say sit around with no distractions do you mean meditation? Also has focusing solely on not fapping for 24 hours each day rather than setting a goal of stopping forever helped you?
     
  4. Porterhouse

    Porterhouse Fapstronaut

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    Not necessarily meditation because that is more about clearing your mind. In my own experience mediation is good, however I didn’t ever feel like I addressed the negative beliefs I had about myself. For example, my dad passed when I was 22 and we never had much of a relationship. One of my negative beliefs was that I must be a pretty messed up and terrible person for my own father not to want to have a relationship with me, therefore I am unlovable and not worth anyone’s time. That took me to some pretty dark places. However, I later learned my dad had his own issues that made it very difficult for him to open up to people, including family. This belief I had was not true at all, but I allowed it to torment me for years. To your second question, yes it has been more help for me because a single day seems much more manageable than a lifetime. I was more likely to sacrifice a single day or even a week of sobriety when comparing that to a lifetime (eh, it’s only one day, not the rest of my life kind of argument). Don’t get me wrong, focusing on a single day can be super difficult at times as well when I start getting tempted. However, I keep reminding myself, just one more day. If I feel this way tomorrow I can address it then, but right now today I’m going to stay sober. Thanks for the great questions and I hope you have a wonderful day!
     
  5. Hugoalsace

    Hugoalsace Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you've had things really tough but it's a positive that you are now trying to beat this "cancer". Please don't even contemplate chemical castration as that is way too drastic and would only make your life much worse.
    This is an addiction and that's why we all find it so hard to quit. In the last two years, the longest I've managed without porn is 30 days but I'm determined to win this fight long term.
    Stay motivated and try to read as much as you can about porn addiction. It gives you a better understanding of what you're fighting against and gives you more weapons in the battle.
    Hope you can make progress. Don't despair, you are still young and can have a happy and fulfilling life.
     
    Porterhouse likes this.
  6. TomBradyGOAT

    TomBradyGOAT Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the answers brother. Good luck to us both!
    Thanks alot for reading my story and providing feedback. I actually already went ahead and ordered some SSRI's earlier today which are antidepressants because I heard that they can lower your sex drive. There was actually a thread a few years ago I found where someone said he took different antidepressants and it killed his sex drive mostly and made nofap way easier and he was way more productive and happy, so thats what I'm going for.
     
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  7. Hugoalsace

    Hugoalsace Fapstronaut

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    If you think that will help you then that's fine, whatever you feel comfortable with is the best way to go.
    But i would still be wary of over-medicating as that can cause it's own problems. It's also a short term fix to a long term problem.
    Good luck with your quest
     
    TomBradyGOAT likes this.

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