My life story

Hello all.

Here goes my 2nd attempt at trying nofap. This might be a bit long cause I'm basically gonna spill my guts here, so I offer my gratitude if you manage to read to the end and can offer any empathy, solace, advice, prayers, or positive energy into the universe. There may be a few triggers here, so if you are feeling vulnerable and at risk of relapsing, it might be a good idea to stop here.

I successfully used the support of this board back in 2015 and managed to abstain the longest I ever had since starting PMO around the age of 12. After around two months, I was at a high point in my life, and completed a job in another country. The final day of the job, we had a wrap party, and I drank fairly excessively as I often did... I ended up relapsing while drunk in my hotel that night, and I haven't been able to break that two month record to this day. I go a few weeks or days every once in a while, but not enough to make any meaningful difference. Last time I tried nofap, I was not an active part of this message board, never posted, and used other people's stories and posts as support. This time I'm going to attempt to be an active member, and really give it my all. Anyways, let's start at the beginning...

I will preface by saying as a young kid (like 5), I can remember always being attracted to girls. I used to fantasize about my babysitter, would even say to my friends during sleepovers "let's dream about naked ladies tonight". I would fantasize about girls in school kidnapping me and laying on top of me even though I had no idea what sex was. I'm not sure why, but my dad has said he always had a problem with lust, so maybe something passed down from him.

I came from a moderately poor family, essentially right at the poverty line. Not enough to truly be suffering, as this is America, and even with a low income we are blessed with the ability to, relatively speaking, have a fairly decent life (believe me, I've been to multiple 3rd world countries, and we have it pretty good here). Despite this, it was enough that the income disparity was noticeable in ways that looking back are fairly superficial, but definitely affected me as a kid. I'm talking about never having a nice car, nice clothes, nice shoes, matching socks, living in a trailer park (or worse), going years without full-time electricity or proper plumbing, not being able to shower every day, not getting haircuts from barbers, etc. One time I was even called out in school because I was wearing some clothes that my mom got from the thrift store, and one of the other kids noticed that it used to be his, and made a big deal out of it causing a big scene of people mocking me. We also used to move around a lot, and growing up, I was never really able to become very close with any friends because it was rare that we stayed in place for longer than a couple years.

On top of this, my father was morbidly obese (I'm talking 500lbs + here, big enough to cause a scene anywhere he went), and people just loved making fun of him, and as a result me, because of it. Finally, to make matters worse, my mom was/is extremely bi-polar which caused its own set of embarrassments, and in many ways held the family back due to some poor and / or manic decisions that made major impacts on our livelihood.

The point of me saying all this, is that from a very early age, I was stricken with shame, depression, and compulsion. Not only was it genetic, but also the very nature of my circumstances caused major oppression from the world around me. I ended up finding ways to deal with this.

The first of my majorly unhealthy habits I developed early on was compulsive lying. I felt so ashamed of myself, my family, my life, that I ended up telling wild lies in an attempt to compensate for what felt like shortcomings. I typically gravitated towards more gullible seemingly less-intelligent kids that would buy my lies. This went on for most of my early grade school days until there was a brief period of "normalcy" around 4th grade, which felt amazing and to this day is the happiest I've been in my life.

I then started to be drawn to "bad" kids who did things like fight, steal, smoke, etc. This was largely a product of my environment, but I embraced it. I started shoplifting for the thrill of it, breaking into buildings at night, getting in fights for no reason, and anything else that would give me an adrenaline rush or thrill. This continued for a year or so as almost getting caught one too many times finally scared me away from doing it anymore.

Around 6th grade my personality was starting to develop, and I actually became quite popular as I was kind of the class clown due to my excessively sarcastic humor, but also consistently scored among the highest in placement tests, and got good grades. I became "friends" with a large variety of people, and stayed out of my house as much as I possibly could. Unfortunately, one of these "friends" ended up introducing me to VHS porn and masturbation. At the time, I think I was just not as sexually mature as him, because I was pretty weirded out by it, and did not really receive any pleasure from it, but I DID enjoy looking at naked women. The kid came on to me multiple times, masturbated in front of me, did many sexually deviant things in front of me, until finally I had enough and decided to stop hanging out. The guy is now a registered sex offender, so I'm glad I removed him from my life before things got worse, but regardless, the seed had been planted.

Around this time, we got our first access to the internet.. WebTV. I'm not sure how many of you remember that or know what it is, but it was a device in the mid 90's that connected to a TV that gave internet access for a MUCH lesser cost than a computer. This was my first introduction to internet porn. Web browsing wasn't as easy then as it is now, search engines were still primitive, it was slow, and material was scarce, and despite never PMOing with this device, I still thoroughly enjoyed it, and another seed was planted.

The following summer, a friend of my parents gave me and my brother a job, and we ended up making $800 or so after a couple months. We pooled our money together and bought our first computer. At this point in time, it was 100% about the gaming, so the porn element of the internet was suppressed as I was just thrilled to finally be able to play any game I wanted.

However, as a result of my love of gaming, I started to get really obsessed with Japan and anime, and I noticed myself getting very turned on by the anime girls. I began to get obsessed with Sailor Moon, and started having dreams about it, and literally praying that the sailor scouts would get naked at some point during the episode. Lol, pathetic I know, but I was a blooming 12 year old in the midst of a digital revolution. All of a sudden, it clicked. I wondered if I could finally see Sailor Moon naked if I looked for it on the internet, and sure enough, there it was, I finally got to see what I had been fantasizing about for so long. I was massively turned on, and I remembered the masturbating that my old friend had taught me... That was the first time I ever PMO'ed, and I remember actually feeling kind of proud afterward. Like I was "grown up". Plus, it felt really good and the new discovery felt exciting.

Unfortunately, things quickly escalated downhill from there. My gaming obsession and newfound discovery of hentai quickly became my priority in life and it began to affect my social life and grades. I no longer cared as much about going outside and hanging out with friends as my computer offered me all the stimulation I needed and then some. I also started puberty and got TERRIBLE cystic acne, which conjured up and exacerbated many of my old feelings of shame and embarrassment. In the course of one year, I went from being in honors classes and getting straight A's to being in classes for the mentally disabled and barely passing at all. I came "this" close to flunking 8th grade, and that sort of scared me straight just enough to put in the minimal effort to pass from then on.

My addiction to porn was only growing. It began to affect my sleep. I would stay up till 3am or later on school nights masturbating constantly. I'd then sleep during the first several periods in school, and this became my routine. Eventually my hentai obsession turned into real girls, especially lesbians. This marked my first "evolution" into different tastes in porn and the thrill of finding a different sort of stimulation. My habits made me numb to the excitement of real women, and between this and my deep-ingrained shame, I stayed away from any actual relationships despite having opportunities.

In 10th grade or so, I began to find my way again and my old humor started to shine as I noticed people appreciated it and I started getting "popular" again. I was also way ahead of my time with my knowledge of computers and this created a lot of interest with other classmates. My addiction, while not gone, began to subside and return to "healthier" levels as I started getting more and more enjoyment out of real life. Unfortunately, as it's been most of my life, nothing good ever comes without something bad, and my new social life eventually led me to my second major addiction in life: Marijuana (and alcohol).

Drugs and alcohol opened up a whole new world to me, and offered me this dopamine rush I had been getting with masturbating, except I was able to share that fun with other people, and at the time it felt "cool". This continued on until I graduated high school, and I eventually ended up moving to California specifically because of the weed culture. I managed to start a fairly successful career for myself despite no college education, and my life really started to feel like it was going somewhere. This was the 2nd happiest time in my life.

Eventually, I met a girl who really liked me. Despite me still being a virgin, having major mental hangups when it came to sex and the shame I had created with my masturbation habit, we eventually ended up falling in love, and at the age of 23, I finally lost my virginity. The first few months of this was bliss, as I was madly in love and real sex was immeasurably better than masturbating, and my career was still taking off. Around a year into our relationship, the passion started to wane a bit, and I found myself going back to porn. Somehow in all this mix, I accidentally stumbled upon transexual porn which turned me on. This marked my 3rd evolution of escalating porn tastes as it went beyond my sexual preference. This is probably the first time I realized that I definitely had a "problem" with PMO. Not only was I more and more often choosing to look at porn and masturbate rather than having sex with my girlfriend, but I noticed I was starting to have PIED (porn induced erectile disfunction) which further complicated an already failing relationship. About 2 years in, we broke up, and this devastated me, as despite my actions, I truly did love her and felt like I had potentially given up the greatest thing I ever had.

My breakup caused a new round of debauchery for me. As I was now "out of my shell" in the sex scene, it all seemed easier and more obtainable for me, so I started hooking up with girls from online dating sites. I did this to numb the pain of my breakup, as well as keep the dopamine flowing. This lasted only a year or so as shortly after that, my career really started to take off and that became a major focus in my life.

Despite my growing success in my career, the PMO was still constant, and I was increasingly ashamed of it, especially as the transexual porn eventually led to gay porn and I was now masturbating to straight, gay, cartoon, transexual, and almost anything else I saw that triggered that rush of dopamine. This is all despite the fact that I consider myself straight, have never been attracted to anything but women in real life, but in my bedroom, alone, nothing was off limits. I began to notice that if something bad was happening in my life, I would, without thinking about it, grab my penis. Fortunately never in public, but I'd always think about it or sometimes rub it over the pants. Eventually, it got to a point that if something bad was happening to me or I was getting excessively depressed, I would ejaculate without even needing to touch myself. Like my brain just knew how to get that dopamine fix to feel better and was gonna do it with or without my help.

I knew I had a problem, it was causing MAJOR depression and self-loathing, but I somehow managed to keep moving up in my field. I was good at my job, but also very noticeably depressed, and people wondered how the hell I could hate myself so much and be so depressed when I was seemingly doing so well in my life for my age. They had / have no idea the level of disrespect I have shown myself and the damage I have done to my brain.

Things continued on this same path until the next major disruption in my life occurred, I was robbed by one of my best friends. This shook me up on a very deep level, and I began to resent a lot of things - my career, the city I lived in, my landlord, my family, and above all myself. I made a rush to judgement to get the hell out of that city, and ended up buying a house over 100 miles from where I worked in the middle of nowhere. I wanted to escape the betrayal and the violation, and this seemed like a healthy move at the time. Because I did not work every day, commuting was still possible especially because I had an arrangement on where I could stay if I went back for work. At first, this seemed to be working out very well. Fixing up my house became my new obsession and my masturbation drastically decreased. I was able to still go back for work when it came up, and my life seemed to have once again found some balance.

Then, the next phase of my life began, the ultimate disruption, something that affected us all, Covid-19... By the time this happened, I was in my mid 30's, had a house (payed off in full), a sizeable nest egg, a growing resentment towards myself, and a fading interest in my career as politics started to get in the way. Covid almost completely halted the industry I worked in, and work dried up completely. I now found myself alone, in the middle of nowhere, no obligations, enough money that I didn't need to work, so unfortunately, no motivation.

This new situation caused my weed and booze habits to be kicked into overdrive as I had an "excuse" to do nothing but chill. I found myself drinking every day, smoking weed non-stop, playing video games, and generally living like I was a spoiled 14 year old except with no parents to keep me in line or tell me what to do. I could feel myself falling apart at a faster pace than I had ever felt it before, and then, I hit rock bottom.

One day, after pounding several beers, I noticed myself out of weed, and decided to go pick some up. Me, being a dumb ass in general, but also drunk, was looking at my phone (there was a disturbing text message from my dad I was thinking about how to respond to), I looked up, and I was about to hit the guard rail on the side of the road, I overreacted, lost control of my vehicle, totaled it, badly injured myself, and ended up getting a criminal charge for the first time in my life - a DUI. Because I had never been in trouble before and didn't know the laws, my response was to "not talk to the police without a lawyer present" as my limited knowledge of legal issues told me that was the best thing to do. Unfortunately, I was wrong. In California, not complying with the police when there is probable cause to believe you are DUI, you get an automatic one year suspension on your license.

I now find myself a hundred miles from my place of work, without the ability to drive, no friends in my direct area, no work, a criminal conviction and the repercussions involved with that, more shame and self loathing than I had ever had before, and generally speaking, a life that had completely gone to shit...

At first, this was a wake up call. I immediately stopped drinking and smoking weed cold turkey. I also completely stopped masturbating and started putting effort into cleaning up my life. I began to look for new ways to make money and started trading stocks and cryptocurrency online.

The lack of weed and booze in my life left a void. The dopamine I had been feeding myself all my life had suddenly stopped, and I was losing my mind. Eventually, I broke, and I PMO'ed again. Now, the PMO frequency is the worst it's ever been in my life as I am constantly feeding my sober brain that dopamine rush. I've also gained 50lbs since then as gluttony with food has also been filling that void. My "trading" with stocks and cryptocurrency is now really more of a gambling addiction than anything. I start my day with PMO, end it with PMO, and PMO as many times as my body can handle in between. My tastes in porn have continued to escalate into darker and more deviant things, and my life has essentially become a living hell.

I know I'm prone to depression, I know I'm prone to compulsion, but at the root of it all, I truly believe 100% that the root of my problems comes from the psychological damage that I have done to myself through PMO. They say, "it takes 10,000 hours of intensive practice to achieve mastery of any skill" and it makes me deeply ashamed and embarrassed, and honestly sick, to say that my number one "skill", by a long shot, is looking at porn and masturbating. The days I don't do it I am less depressed, more productive, more intelligible, and more pleasant in every single way. The days I don't do it are also getting fewer and farther between.

I know I should probably see a shrink, but I have literally no motivation to do anything, let alone go pay someone I have no faith would actually help me. I can't even bring myself to accomplish basic tasks and now find myself sometimes going a week or longer without even taking a shower or cleaning my house. I'll be 40 in less than 4 years and I REALLY want to get a hold of my life and try to live the rest to its fullest. I need to forgive myself and move on. I need to quit my dopamine "drug" addiction in any way possible. This is where I start. This is my cry for help. This is my story.

Thank you for reading. Believe it or not, I "shortened" it as much as I could. I look forward to reading any potential responses from members of the community. If I posted this in the wrong sub-forum, please let me know or feel free to move it to the correct one if you are a mod.

Any and all advice, recommendations, etc. are very welcome.

Thanks again, and please wish me luck.

 

Hey man. Thanks for the warm welcome. I've noticed from my reading that there are many elements to everyone's story that have vast similarities. I guess we really are all in this together, in a matter of speaking. Congrats on 8 days...