my life without much sex

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Nattydstar, Dec 27, 2017.

  1. Nattydstar

    Nattydstar Fapstronaut

    Hi all,

    I didn't know this community existed until about an hour ago. I'm very excited to have found it as I've felt a calling to quit porn and masturbation recently, and I didn't realise it was a thing others did, until now.

    I'm 39 and am married. I've been with my wife for nearly 10 years and for the first six years we enjoyed a wonderful sex life. Four years ago, whilst pregnant with our daughter, and after several biopsy procedures (the last of which caused a rupture of the amniotic sack) my wife was diagnosed with cervical cancer. The doctors convinced us that our daughter should be delivered early (at 33 weeks) by Caesarian section and that my wife should have a radical hysterectomy two months later. At the time I didn't do any research, my only concern was eliminating the cancer and preserving her life.

    The procedure didn't go well. She was unable to walk for about a month. She spent about two weeks in hospital, in excruciating pain - they'd advised minimal pain and a two night stay. Her serious pain continued for at least a year and still presents every now and again. We also found that her sex drive had gone and it was replaced with major resentment toward me for supporting the doctors' advice, "well, we don't want any more children so what good's keeping your uterus?" Wow, knowing what I know now, I'm shocked I ever said that to her. But I did. And, one way or another, she accepted it.

    The following three years were peppered with specialist appointments, therapy sessions and very rare sex. All the experts told us the same thing; keep having sex, as often as possible. Despite the lack of (her) libido, and despite the pain she was experiencing with penetration. During this time, I thought we were a team, trying to work this shit out. Little did I know that at some point in this journey she had lumped me in with all the doctors and therapists telling her to keep having sex. Her resentment, unbeknownst to me, grew and grew. Meantime, we were having sex probably once every few months, and every time I'm sensing something is wrong, as we are never connecting after. Post lovemaking used to be the most euphoric and connected, playful times for us, but now shed be up and out of bed, not wanting to talk, let alone remain connected. This lack of satisfaction for me caused me to keep returning, trying to turn her on or seek more, which lead to constant rejection, shame and ultimately to porn and masturbation. And it was always fast and shameful. Always hidden from her.

    So fast forward to January this year. The years of disconnection had taken their toll, on both of us, no doubt, and we were basically at an impasse, we had a big fight and each of us spoke more of our truth than ever before. We almost divorced but ultimately that moment changed my life. That's when I realised I needed help, I couldn't do it alone. I spoke with a close friend and he recommended a few intensive retreats for my wife and me. At the first retreat, within a few days I rediscovered the love for my wife, I was madly in love with her again. She was the most beautiful woman, she still is to me. now she's attracted to me again, but I still sense the resentment and her libido hasn't returned. She also can't handle any sexuality from me, or any sexual touch, let alone actual sex.

    About a month ago she did a women's sexuality dance workshop, which awakened her sexuality, more than ever before. That was an amazing week, and after it finished I had to go away for a few days for my studies, and when I returned she'd completely regressed. So now we are back where we were before, no sex, no touch, no sexuality. And she doesn't want to talk about it, and despite loving the workshop when she was in it, she now has this story going that it was stupid and she won't ever do anything like that again.

    That week of being sexual together again was amazing and I have No idea what to do - if anything at all, as it's probably all down to her - to get it back. But I figure this has to help. I feel drawn to reclaiming my own sexuality and control for myself. And that has to be a bloody good start.

    I'm also struggling with feeling insecure my relationship, even though I know she won't leave me and that she loves me I always feel like something's missing. And I hope this will help me better respect her boundaries, to give her the space she needs to heal.

    Well, there you have it folks; a summary of my sex life and what ultimately drove me to porn and masturbation addiction. I imagine I've gone overboard with this initial introduction, but that's the way I roll...

    Last edited: Dec 27, 2017
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you.

    Love your wife where she is, the way she needs to be loved. As you do do that, continue to work on you, rid yourself of this leech to you and your marriage.

    It may take more time than you think but progress can be made. Your story reminds me of a friend and fellow member, @JohnQ3369. He will be a great source of encouragement and understanding that this is a process.

    The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
    Nattydstar likes this.
  3. Nattydstar

    Nattydstar Fapstronaut

    Thanks for your reply, support and advice. It means so much and actually for years I had been wondering if there was somewhere I could get support.
    Well, onto my strategy, tonight I declared to my wife that I'm giving up porn and masturbation. She just said "mm hmm". Well,
    I'm doing this. Also, I'm seeking an AP and lately I've really been feeling pretty grossed out by porn, so mostly I've been masturbating to memories (and fantasies) of my wife. I'm really excited to see where this can take me. I have had periods in the past where I've abstained from PM and I remember how much better that made our sex. Also we did a Tantra retreat during which time I abstained from PMO but not from sex, and that felt powerful. Like boundless energy and as though the lovemaking never ends and the line into and out of it is blurred. That was fun. Thanks again for your reply DJ.
  4. Natty,
    I have had struggles with my wife as well, as @D . J . has said. My wife was repeatedly molestated by a man in her family. He held financial power over the entire family so he was never reported.
    It has significantly affected our sex life and limited our sexual options.
    PMO and ultimately and affair on my part were part of my “solution.”
    I’m working now to heal my issues, she is working on hers. She does not know about my struggles or my issues with my sexuality (I am same sex attracted). As we heal, it’s my hope that I can reveal this so we can be united in this fight.
    Job one is trying to be on her side, even when it feels like she is the problem. You are in this with her together. You need to fight for her. She’s in there something waiting for you.
    D . J . and Nattydstar like this.
  5. Nattydstar

    Nattydstar Fapstronaut

    Thanks JQ, I appreciate you reaching out and I feel you in your own struggle.

    It's so good to have a community for support :)
    D . J . likes this.
  6. Nattydstar

    Nattydstar Fapstronaut

    I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and be more thankful for what I have. I want to be there for my wife as her partner, not just wanting to get laid.

    Ahh, I had to get that out. That's my struggle.
    D . J . likes this.
  7. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

    Welcome to the community. You will find lots of support here from fellow fappers. I know how you feel as I too have difficulties with my wife ...
    Nattydstar and D . J . like this.
  8. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Check out In Case You Didn't Know for strategies and tips which may help you along your journey.
    Nattydstar likes this.
  9. Nattydstar

    Nattydstar Fapstronaut

    Thanks DJ, I'm so ready for this.

    After the first retreat I attended earlier this year I enjoyed the group therapy so much I enrolled in a masters of psychotherapy program. I've completed the first year of study, which doubles as a post-grad certificate in gestalt therapy, and has a yearly requirement of at least 10 personal therapy sessions. 2017 has been my awakening year. Awakening to my body, emotions, sexuality; everything other than my ego. Awakening to truth and authenticity. I've already changed so much in my life this year, and I'm ready to let porn go now too. I feel blessed to have had these difficulties which caused me to look inward and begin this journey. Blessed also to have found this community. Thank you.
  10. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    The road you are about to travel will push and pull you in directions you never thought could or would occur. There will be highs and lows and ins and outs and rethinking what you knew you knew as well as what you thought you knew.

    We will be here the entire time, as much as possible.

    Creating a journal will also allow us to follow you along your journey. To do so, go to the Reboot Logs, find your age group and begin a thread, which is your journal. Copy/ paste a link here so that we can encourage you along your journey.
  11. Nattydstar

    Nattydstar Fapstronaut

    Thanks guys.

    My journal is here.

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