My list of hurt...

I used to just rephrase the question as a new question back or argument back, like a lawyer. It's a shut out argument.

For example - "sex isn't important in a relationship, why do you think sex is so important? That's stupid. (more rant, including things like men are tired, they work hard, blah blah blah)
Spending time is important."

"you don't get to tell me sex isn't important anymore. You choose to have sex alone instead of with me, so don't make me feel bad for wanting to have sex with you. Clearly sex is important.. And you thought so too.
You just didn't think it was important With me."

My last gaslight.

He stopped cutting chicken and just stood there.

 

Women love broken things

 

As do we, it's good to be needed.

 

@Kenzi Omg yes, the sex thing. I remember Jak being all like, "Why do you care about sex so much, it isn't what makes a relationship" he would say that when he was in that stage of constantly rejecting sex. I felt like an awful person for having a sex drive and actually looked up homeopathic ways to make a woman's drive less because I felt so bad. Luckily now we are past that, but gaslighting truly is so damaging!

 

Actually, I am, this self-torture they are putting themselves is completely avoidable because they are willfully placing themselves in this situation. These are the types of things they need to be writing directly to their SO and if that SO isn't at least listening to them it's self-inflicted harm.

There are so many psychological studies on relationships whereas the primary reason these types of people find themselves vested in the entire relationship in the first place is that they want to be the one that "fixes" the partner. In some roundabout way instead of just leaving whomever, this SO is that's causing them this much emotional pain there are some real insecurities they hold about themselves and what they deserve in a partner.

Nothing will slap a PA into reality faster than actual LOSS, and if the PA really does LOVE them they will see that loss for what it is and make changes. However, by sticking around and not demanding this question be answered really just means the answer itself scares the hell out of them.

Either the PA loves you or porn more, force them to answer the question not with words but with actions.

And if the PA does love porn more than you, do you really want to waste years finding that out the hard way.

 

Luckily he has only gaslighted me once, with that comment. And I don't stand for BS so I told him it obviously wasn't an issue with me, as I had offered to watch with him in the beginning. Before I realized he had a problem. If it were just my insecurities why would I have been so willing to engage in it with him, and even make light of things at first. It took him one second to realize he was wrong.
He still doesn't think he has a "problem". He thinks daily sometimes twice daily PMO is normal.
Today is day one of boundaries.
It was the first morning in 8 months the tablet didn't go to the bathroom with him.
We'll see how serious he is about not ever wanting to do anything to hurt me.

 

@Merovingian, thanks for explaining yourself in more detail...your earlier post that just said "Women love broken things" left me wondering what kind of jerk you are!

Your long explanation now -- I get what you are saying..and there is definitely some truth in there. Now, your delivery .. well, to each his own.

Thanks for expounding.

 

@Merovingian See, I see your points, but at the same time there are SO's who have been married for years and have kids to think about, so it's not always they stay because of insecurities or some pathology, but because they want to make sure they give the marriage 100% for the sake of the kids and if it doesn't work, then they at least know they tried their best, to give their kids the best chance at having a "whole" family instead of a broken one. At least, that's how I've seen it sometimes.