My log/e-diary

Hello guys . I am a 19 year old guy in Ireland (Ethnic Minority , but grew up here) and I am stopping this habit once and for all .I am studying STEM in university which is really hard but I put no effort (I am not a genius) and I get the exact results I put in. I used to masturbate 4 times a day , now around 2 . (yes even during school hours, I might sneak to the toilets early in the morning to whack it ) It is time consuming and has made me very lazy ,unfit and less studious - less productive in general . It really is a trap for young males ..I am short but handsome (5ft7 at 75 kg)which is annoying I guess(maybe I can still grow lol) I am a virgin but that does not bother me so much (I will solve this problem within 7 months , I am determined)..
My main problem is wasting time , I fell I spend alot of time procrastinating ..whether if I should beat my meat or not, time spent beating my meat , chatrooms(hiphop and Reddit boards) and board rooms and random video chat /kik trying to convince girls I will never meet to strip live for me online or send me nudes -I am successful 3/10 times.. All these factors lead to me have an untidy appearance and postponing and avoiding exercise and career enhancement..I have gone 7 months without a haircut recently . I feel porn is everywhere I go. It is so hard to avoid .I want to gain my enthusiasm about life again . I feel I have given up already at 19 which is ridiculous .

I have an advantage that I am an african guy in a mostly white country and a positive stereotype regarding 'endowment' for my race , so girls are always interested though I do prefer the girls within my race.I also play the guitar pretty well .Strangely enough , I am quite confident (I am funny and have the gift of the gob, especially when I am in good fitness and I gain muscle very quickly due to my genetics.Obviously I lose this confidence the moment I masturbate . I am not going to give any excuses or a sob story, I take full responsibility for my actions , all I will say is I am using this website solely as a log to monitor my abstainment period ,my career/job progress(money I have earned and progress towards a job), my academic results and time spent studying and my hopefully improved physique and relationship (hopefully losing my v-card). I will update this website with a pic of my physique after 3 months , then after 6 months again(with progress).I will write a log at least once a week , if not twice a week. I also want to start praying again , I am not religious though I believe in God , so I am curious to see where reading the bible and praying takes me.This goal of Nofap is not motivated by faith though.I am going to be very honest with you guys , and hopefully I will be so occupied

 

Welcome here! You've come to the right place to get help and support. We need to encourage one another to reach our goals and overcome our addictions. You can do it! I applaud you for taking ownership of your actions, but you may also need to dig deep to see just where your damage lies, the damage that is causing you to medicate with PMO. I know that's assuming a lot on my part, and I don't want to presume to know anything about you, but in my experience, most of us are trying to cover up something that hurts, and that's why we turn to "easy" coping methods like PMO. Anyway, enough of my advice, this is just a welcome wishing for you as you join NoFap. I wish you all the best in your journey to health. Feel free to message me anytime. Cheers

 

I use laziness as an excuse for underachievement .. my hurt comes from isolation and feeling like I am wasting my time , I don't have many friends and I feel I have wasted the time I have in University . I haven't done anything memorable . I live at home and don't drink or smoke or do drugs (this doesn't bother me ). Thank you for the encouragement . I will beat this problem by force|!!

 

Today is Day 1 of my log . I did not MO but I did not study or exercise either. I visited the chatrooms and boards that waste my time .However I intentionally looked for websites that are not pornographic in nature but do contain erotic(nude) images.
I procrastinated most of the day playing my guitar and went on the video chat app(omegle, holla and monkey chat room versions ) today and even got the number of a very curvaceous girl from South Africa my Age) . She video called me the next day on whastapp,wanting me to play guitar for her sister(teenage ) and her to sing christian (hillsong)music but obviously that wasn't my intention when I added her. We all know why I go on the video chat rooms and it isn't for praise and worship . I did play the nice guy theme . So what I did was intentionally remove my internet connection randomly during the conversation and block and delete her number. I feel bad for doing that but I have to stay in the real world now and meet a real life girl I need radical change .
As I said it is very easy for me to get girl's numbers online but what use is it if I will never meet them . I have about 40 numbers of girls that I have met online that I speak to casually ,some have sent me 'stuff' (on kik) but what use is it ? I am going to start my counter again . I havent studied or exercised in a week . I feel ashamed about the trajectory of my life at the moment. I have friends but I wish I had somebody to trust with all of this shit . Its crazy . Oh well , Let's start again . I will be back in a week Out!!!

 

Next update in 1 week to preserve time ..........

 

Day 3. .... relapse... i had been doing NoFap for a week before I joined this site. I felt my voice sounded much deeper and my flaccid dick was also bigger as well as random boners , I also get more dreams when I dont masturbate but no dreams(not wet)when I do . It's weird. but not necessarily hornier than usual . I have spent most of this week eating like shyt . I have not exercised and I wasted 10 euro on bullshyt . I have not studied in 9 days .
Even though I have a mock interview in a few days. I have still viewed the message boards and used video chat services to meet random women . I met a different South Africa woman online befriended her on whats-app and video chatted wasting time .I continued matching with African women and we had hour long conversations and traded numbers .SPOILLLLER. NSFW........Eventually I got bored and whipped my dick out with my face exposed , I happened to match with a Kenyan lady on the video chat completely nude and she was so happy to see another black person and the fact we were both really horny - so we mutually masturbated . I feel my orgasms are not even worth it anymore. I am going to start praying again and see if that will help . I feel I have made no progress but I am still motivated to make a change. I will report back if I relapse again . I am starting the counter again . Pray for me .

 

I discovered the meaning of nofap -'selfishness' you have to ignore the instinct and inhibitions that cause you to masturbate and seek pornography . selfishness allows self-improvement . I am going to be selfish for the next 1 year and report back . Selfishness in this case refers to tenacity and a determined spirit not lack of empathy and an egoistical soul/attitude .

If I am selfish I want to look better than my peers to I will eat , exercise and sleep better than them to detract attention from them . If I am selfish I will want to score better marks than peers so I will study harder and longer than them , I will play and study my guitar better than them and practice more efficiently than them . If I am selfish I can help my parents by getting my driver's licence and getting a form of income and a good education to leave my family and stop being self-dependent on them . I can pay for my parents trips an be a MAN for once ! I want to recreate myself and be the best version I can be .I wasnt even trying before and see where I am . I am going to give this a go again . I can't lose , I have too much at risk , where I am from children die of hunger everyday , there are terrorist attacks everyweek , basic illnesses cause death , I always need to remember where I am from . No cacs or brehs can distract me ....................I can't lose track , I just can't........

 

I am distracted . ....................restarting counter again
!

 

I haven't beat my meat or used video chat , but these chat forums are still wasting my time . I have started short interval exercise during my study breaks which really helps me feel a bit better . I felt kinda depressed today but after exercising that left me feeling better . I have started studying again but I am really behind and overwhelmed by the work load .. I have a mock interview and wasted all my time.... something needs to change ............

 

I have loads of things to do , i still prioritise time to beat my meat when I want to though. I would go into the disabled toilet and just whack it . I could and can beat it anywhere . It's disgraceful . If I lived on university campus , I think I would be less of a social recluse . I kinda missed out on the university experience..... It sucks man .

 

Exercising is great with nofap , so is learning an instrument and reading. You need a goal with NoFap . A means to an end.

 

Definitely. I find that focusing on the things I'm really passionate about helps. Sometimes you need to find that passion first. It's more than just cutting out harmful behaviour, it's about replacing that behaviour with healthy activities that give you real pleasure. That can be really tough, though, but it's something I need to work on and practice. Eventually it becomes a new normal. That's where a renewal of the mind begins.

 

Do you respect yourself ? .............I don't think I do .

 

Getting self respect back is a huge thing and was a drive for me. It will come.

 

Self-respect is something I've been dealing with for my whole life. Or lack of self-respect, I should say. Self-love, self-compassion, self-respect, these are things that need to be cultivated. They go hand in hand with overcoming addiction.

 

Thank you friend

 

Thank you friend. I discovered confidence and self-respect are mutually exclusive. That shocked me.

 

I relapsed today .I want to change but I still had the urge to give in . Self-control is so difficult. The video camera app is what caused my relapse but I had stimuli throughout the day that contributed before it . I gave i mutually masturbating with 3 ladies on this video app used for random chat . The esteem boost I get always goes after a few minutes but the guilt and regret stays with me throughout the day .

 

I feel silly after I relapse . Almost immobilised and distant . It's a horrible feeling . It's like life force is being sucked from me.i really messed up today. I'm embarrassed.

 

Use what you are feeling as a motivation. You can do this.